Political Mouthwash

GOP Candidates Take Values Quiz

2011-10-06T12:59:00.000-07:00

Rick Perry
Score: N/A
“I don’t take quizzes. That’s for pansies.”

Mitt Romney
Score: 100%
He cheated. “I did well because I love America so much.” Nope, definitely cheated.

Michele Bachmann
Score: 120%
She made up and answered her own extra credit questions on the tests. “Are there retakes? I could do better.”

Ron Paul
Score: N/A
Automatic disqualification for supporting legalization of heroin. “The American people should be grading the test themselves. The scorers are corrupt.” Probably true.

Newt Gingrich
Score: N/A
He devised his own test, gave himself an A, and then accused Romney of cheating.

Jon Huntsman
Score: F
“I would have scored well if the test were graded by independents.”

Herman Cain
Score: N/A
Scorers disqualified Cain, mistaking him for McCain. He met them in face-to-face to clear up the confusion, but was then mistaken for Obama.

Rick Santorum
Score: C
Answered each question with a diatribe against gay marriage. Damn, he still got C!

Sarah Palin
Score: N/A
She did not take the test, but drove up in her bus outside the test for a 2-hour speech, spoke for 15 minutes about how George Washington always said tests were for Communists, and then left early.

Obama Needs Jack Bauer

2011-08-02T00:15:00.000-07:00

On the show 24, President Palmer (the actual first black president) often dealt with terrorism. He routinely negotiated with terrorists. Not out of fear or stupidity or pacifism, but simply to stall for time while Jack Bauer secretly hunted them down. The plan, like the show, was usually awesome.

Obama has used the analogy of taking hostages to talk about the GOP threats to shut down the government or not raise the debt ceilings, saying he has to give in to some of their demands to avoid disaster, as painful as it is. Well, continuing the analogy, the reason you don’t negotiate with terrorists is that they keep coming back asking for more, unless you can stall them and then defeat them. Honestly, what is Obama’s plan? Does he have Jack Bauer waiting in the wings? Does he have a Keifer Sutherland endorsement coming? Is Sutherland actually going to fight Chuck Norris at a bi-partisan fundraiser?

Maybe Obama has a trick up his sleeve, or maybe he’ll really shine in his reelection bid. Maybe he’s just banking on this drama hurting the GOP's public image. Maybe I say maybe too much.

Anyhow, I watched 24 for a long time, but I never finished it. I got tired of Jack Bauer saving the world over and over again (also the DVDs are expensive and the illegal websites streaming it weren’t working on my computer). I’m also getting tired of the GOP extracting demands from Obama over and over again, only to later call him a Socialist. I’m really tempted to stop watching.

2012 GOP Primary Predictions

2011-07-03T21:30:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me express my great joy at how slow the process has been, compared to the Circus of 2008. As we near the 6-month mark before the Iowa caucuses, potential candidates like Perry and Palin (both of whom could actually win) have not even made a decision. I predict that Palin won't run. Palin wants to be a pundit, not a policymaker. And she might lose. Some blame her for McCain's loss and practical every independent in the county hates her.

If Rick Perry jumps in, I think he has the unique ability to run the table. He's their dream candidate, lacking the flaws of the rest. He doesn't come across as too crazy (see: Santorum), he holds up the legs of the GOP Stool (like Romney, except sincere), he's not seen as past-his-prime (see: Gingrich), he actually has a chance to win the nomination (see: Paul), and he seems to know what he's doing (see: Pawlenty; Huntsman). He could potentially dominate the primary. Perry might be too much of a Bush clone for the public, but at least then Barack Obama could keep running against George W. Bush! You can't make this shit up.

However, if Perry sits out, we have 2004 Redux: The GOP Version. Here, primary voters are bored and uninspired by old dudes like John Kerry and Dick Gephardt (now played by Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich) and not about to pick Joe Lieberman, their last candidate's running mate (in this case...Sarah Palin I guess). They see hope in the young, charismatic John Edwards (Tim Pawlenty), but he never really catches on. They also think Wes Clark (Jon Huntsman) will appeal to independents and be a fresh alternative, but he enters the race late and also fizzles. They find themselves captivated by the bombastic Howard Dean (in this case Michele Bachmann) who chastises the party for straying from its principles and weakly caving to the other side. Not to mention Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich, (now Rick Santorum and Herman Cain) who have no chance. (Not cast in this movie: Ron Paul, as he clearly belongs in neither party and should really have his own story)

Many remain reluctantly undecided, still dissatisfied with their choices and worried about the frontrunner's electability. The other candidates see that they still have a chance, but must take out the frontrunner, so they unite against their common foe. In the final days, the frontrunner is taken down, and immediately reacts by making an ass of himself on national TV, ensuring that he'll always be remembered as not just a loser, but a crazy loser (I can't WAIT to see what Bachmann does in the sequel! 50-50 chance she declares it a sign of the Apocalypse).

In the end, the boring, tone-deaf Kerry wins the nomination, viewed as the least offensive candidate. The voters hate the incumbent so much that they are thrilled to vote for any alternative.

In the general election, despite troublesome wars and a bad economy, the incumbent wins. History is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. You have no clue what's going on at first and there's always a twist, but it's pretty much the same formula every time. Also a small number of elites make lots of money, but the masses are generally dissatisfied.

GOP POWER RANKINGS

2011-05-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

After years of lying dominant, it has finally returned. Not Political Mouthwash, well, that too, but I mean the GOP Presidential Primaries. Primaries are much easier to write and joke about. I am much prouder of the work I did lambasting kooky candidates than my mockery of movements, like the Tea Party, or actual policy. Let’s be honest, I was getting bitchy and wonky at the same time, so onward! Here is my ranking of 2012 primary contenders by how likely they will earn the nomination.

Front Runner: Tim "Good n' Pawlenty"
aka T-Paw aka Early Front Runner (usually a bad sign)
He’s boring, but every candidate has a fatal flaw. His path to victory should follow McCain’s in 2008. Be the boring, not crazy, candidate, take an early lead, don’t appeal to the fringe too much, run a lame campaign, fall behind, watch the crazy people destroy each other, win randomly in the last week, laugh at everyone. Then pick a random and inexperienced but super-hot, super-conservative running mate: Christine O’Donnell, this could be your comeback!

2. Mitt from the Mitt
One part of the John McCain playbook T-Paw can’t achieve is that “Next in Line” vibe that rarely fails in GOP primaries from Reagan to McCain. Here, Romney shines. He was runner-up to McCain in 2008 just as McCain was runner-up to Bush in 2000. Still, he was governor of Taxachusetts. I dunno, maybe the GOP will respond to this stump speech:“ObamaCare will destroy our economy, and while I signed into law almost the same program for Massachusetts, I believe in states’ rights, so what I did was fine. And Massachusetts is already a doomed, Liberal dystopia anyhow. How many of you Republicans care that I destroyed Massachusetts? That’s right. None of you. I did you a favor. You’re welcome.”Still, I think they’ll just ask him to run for governor of Vermont instead.

3. Newt Gingrich aka Fig Newton
America wants to forget the last decade, but Newt can with win Nineties Nostalgia! Step back, Mitt, Newt’s next in line, not you. You oppose Obama for passing nation-wide RomneyCare, but Newt was decrying Bill Clinton’s adultery even while he was cheating on his own wife. Also, he’s smarter, somehow less sleazy, and shrewd enough not to tell black babies, “Hey, you got some bling-bling.” Watch out, Mitt.

4. Michele Bachmann
aka Bachmann Turner Overbearing
Well, Sarah, there’s only room for one Mama Grizzly in this primary. You snooze, you lose. If you wish Sarah Palin was less charming and spent less time on talk shows and more time finishing out her terms in office, Michele Bachmann is your candidate. Does Palin even want to run? Too late, Bachmann definitely wants to. Sorry, Sarah, Michele is Looking Out for Number 1. You’ll have to Let it Ride. She is already Takin’ Care of Business. You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet. Also, it’s fitting that she spells Michele with only one L because she’s one ‘ell of a lunatic.
5. Ron “my son outranks me now” PaulHe’s still running. He still opposes a large, active military. He’ll divide the true Tea Partiers and the generic Republicans trying to ride the wave, which is exactly how to lose a primary. He’s a real longshot, but he’ll make things much more entertaining.

6. Rick “Google Me Right Now” Santorum
Don’t do it. Definitely stop reading at “frothy.”

7. Huck
He may not even run, but he could. He has more charm than anyone in the field. Most of all, I think Chuck Norris wants this to happen, and if he campaigns for Huck again, Huck could win easily.

8. Sarah Palin aka Sarah P the Pharisee
See Bachmann. Also, what a relief that the media is finally getting bored of her.

9. Trump aka Wait, WHAT?
Campaign Strategy: Obama? Fired.
On the Issues: Terrorists? Fired. Recession? Fired. Taxes? Fired. Debt? Fired. High gas prices? I’m proud to introduce new Trump Gas Stations. Best gas stations in the world. Period! They’ll solve the gas crisis. Guranteed!
Finally, a very special season of Vice Presidential Apprentice. It’s gonna be huge!

Opt Out of America

2010-09-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

Many people argue tirelessly that the federal government is the problem, not the solution. The question is, do any of them mean it? Conservatives have lamented the Obama administration's excessive spending and regulating, some going as far as bringing up secession.

I think it's time we called their bluff! Let them secede! The fact is none of these states have the balls to secede, and Texas and Florida are the only states that have a prayer of surviving on their own. Red States survive because they are highly subsidized primarily by the Blue States and by big cities, which tend to be more liberal. Basically, for all their complaining about welfare, most of Red America is leeching off a giant welfare system. If they don't like federal spending, let's see how long they can survive without federal subsidies. I bet they come crawlin' back real fast!

As we ask ourselves which corporations are too big to fail, we should ask, is the United States of America too big to succeed? Did the Health Care Fiasco of 2009, with all those town halls and protests and Tea Parties, prove that Democracy doesn't work for a country of 300 million? Can we agree on anything? There's sort of agreement that the Obama has been a disappointment, but why? (hint: ridiculous expectations) Some say he's catering to the liberal base and changing things too much. Some say he sold out his base and is too conservative. Some say he's a weak, naive dreamer. Some say he's just another corrupt Chicago politician. Our nation encompasses so many viewpoints, regions, climates, and demographics. We have people from thousands of miles away telling New Yorkers where they should build a mosque.

What holds us together? In the wake of the Civil War, we were sharply divided, North and South. Now, we're fragmented, divided in muliple ways on a multitude of issues. What do New York and Texas have in common? Florida and Washington (DC or State)? Really, the only thing similarity is that the British wanted all this land for themselves.

Many people say that what makes America great is our diversity. Not just the Black History Month kind of diversity. Also, that we have the "Left Coast," the Libertarian West, Texas, the Midwest, The Deep South, and the East Coast all in one country. That we have Gun Nuts and Soccer Moms, Hippies and Socialites, Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck, John Stewart and Dr Phil (well, maybe not Dr. Phil). And I agree. This is part of what makes this country so great. It's like the Beatles. They were great because they had John Lennon and Paul McCartney, two great musicians with very different approaches. John thought Paul was pretentious, Paul thought John was a hippie, but they made it work, and they were one of the greatest groups of their time.

It's worth noting that the Beatles broke up after 10 years. Other bands lasted much longer, but should have broken up sooner (see Led Zeppelin; U2; Weezer). It's pretty amazing that the Beatles lasted 10 years. The same goes for the USA. Maybe it's time to break up. We have discussed whether states would be able to opt out of health care reforms. They should be able to opt out of America!

Let some states do those solo projects they wanted to do, like that Free Market Paradise, where the government is small enough to drown in a bathtub (it'll flop, I guarantee it!). Then we can have a reunion tour in a couple decades, when states are bankrupt or recovering from drug problems, assuming that none of them ends up like John Lennon.

License to Spill

2010-09-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

PMW received this statement from Tony Heyward and BP, with apologies to the Beastie Boys.

Now, here’s a little story I got to tell
About a big corporation you know too well
It started way back in history
With Barack, Sarah Palin, and us, BP

Sarah said...it’s time to drill baby drill
Barack hesitated, but said yes we will
Drilling in the soil, getting lots of oil
Till we sprung a leak and caused lots of turmoil

Our name is BP, we got a license to drill
I think you know what time is, it’s time to stop the spill
Now what do we have here? America shouldn’t fear
We’ll clean this land, you understand. We’ve made ourselves clear

So we tried the top hat, we tried the hot tap
We tried the junk shot and a huge dome cap
We even tried a system that was called top kill
But no matter what we did, oil continued to spill

We were in a tough boat, the GOP began to gloat
And right about now we need Obama to emote
The King Barack; that is my name
And I know you’re all mad but I won’t take the blame

Sarah Palin said, you know, this only goes to prove
We gotta drill on land, where it’s easier to move
She says, this is bad, the outlook ain’t sunny
But I’m writing a new book and I’m about to get money

We at BP know we’ve lost some respect
But to keep making profits is what we expect

Sarah got the money, Barack’s down in the polls
We’re facing many criminal charges, that’s cold

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN? CULTURE WARS END IN COMPROMISE

2010-08-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

What we have here, AS USUAL, is a failure to communicate. But it's really bad this time. The culture wars are coming back and I fear they'll be worse than ever.

- The Waco Kid, previous post

Yes, here come the culture wars again. Here come ugly, nasty debates. The Amoral, Naïve Liberals vs. the Intolerant, Holier-Than-Thou Conservatives. These are issues that polarize America, that get people out in the street marching, and mostly importantly, make lots of money for political candidates.

So, I’m fed up. I want these issues to go away. They suck. So, here is my modest proposal to end the culture wars in America, so we can go back to the good old days when Obama was called an Atheist, Socialist Elitist rather than a Muslim Spy.

LET’S START WITH GAY MARRIAGE. Face it, people. Gay marriage is happening. Older folks are much more likely to be against it, so here's the deal. We're going to legalize gay marriage, but we're phasing it in slowly.

For Blue States, gay marriage will take affect in 8 years. For Swing States, 10 years. Red States, 12 years. States can ban gay marriage before then, but all bans expire at the deadline. That way, far fewer of you old folks will have to endure it and we can move on and stop debating this issue.

Also, we’re starting with Lesbian Marriage. A recent Political Mouthwash/Deadwood Pioneer poll shows that while only 50% of the country supports gay marriage, 70% support Lesbian Marriage. 80% of males opposing gay marriage in this poll agreed with the following statement: “When I said I opposed gay marriage, I was thinking of two dudes, and now that I think about it, two chicks getting married sounds hot.” This will help people warm up to the idea of gay marriage.

This plan has been approved by the Supreme Court. The Scalito Four predictably voted against it. Justice Breyer and the Liberal Ladies obviously voted for it. The plan was ruled grrrreat by "Tony the Tie Breaker" (aka Anthony Kennedy), giving it 5-4 victory.

So, gay marriage? Solved. Ground Zero Muslim Center? Immigration? Abortion? I'll get back to you...

I Quit

2010-08-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

Am I leaving this blog? No. Not yet. This blog is may be on its last legs. I'm hoping that midterm elections inspire me to write a little, then the Grand Old Primary will begin immediately, and that could destroy my writer's block. Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Good n' Pawlenty, and Mitt from the Mitt all ripping each other to shreds for the opportunity to finish the job Old Man McCain couldn't and then take on the hardest job ever.

But right now, nothing is funny. It's all super-charged, pissy, joyless bickering. A large portion of the public is offended by the building of a mosque at Ground Zero. Remember the people who said the government's recent efforts to provide people with health care or other necessities of life were a gross infringement on our freedom? They are now demanding that the government meddle in affairs regarding private property to prevent a religious group from worshipping anywhere it wants.

That's the punchline. That's it. There's nothing funny about this. People are upset and have decided the wounds of 9/11 have overpowered their will to think rationally. This is irrational, plain and simple. Everyone's entitled to their opinions, but that doesn't mean they are logical. So the anti-Mosque folks say this is too painful for 9/11 families to endure and maybe an Islamic takeover. The pro-Mosque crowd says the anti-Mosque-itos are racists. I don't have the energy to process this anymore. Have we deteriorated to a level of dumb beasts? Is there no communication is this country?

What we have here, AS USUAL, is a failure to communicate. But it's really bad this time. The culture wars are coming back and I fear they'll be worse than ever. Already, this country is broke, many more than usual are out of work, there's no end in sight, and there's no consenus on a single policy that could help. Yet, these cultural issues are coming back already.

In addition to this mosque uproar, now illegal immigration is coming to the forefront. The job market is so bad that fewer and fewer illegals can even come here, yet somehow this issue is gaining traction again. It's another issue that devolves into yelling and name-calling. If you wanna deport all the illegals, you're a racist. If you don't, you're a naive fool who doesn't care about national security or law enforcement.

These are loaded issues where civil, productive discussion is difficult. With Mr. Post-Partisan, Let's Just Have a Beer and Tone it Down a Notch as president, if HE can't get us to chill out, no one can and it'll only be a matter of time before there's full-blown civil war.

There I go sensationalizing. That rant could well land me a job in the Mainstream Media. I'm sorry, I just care about my country's ability to have civil debates, and I fear for it. I'm gonna go turn on Glenn Beck and cry with him.

EXODUS REDUX

2010-06-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

The world is ending! The oceans run black with oil, there’s flooding everywhere, hurricanes, melting ice, rising temperatures, widespread war. Clearly, this a repeat of Exodus, the Ten Plagues of Egypt. The Lord is raining down terror upon us, but why? Falwell and Robertson have already tried to blame the gays, or any lack of Christian morality, that’s played out. Let’s be creative. Why is God angry at America?

Marijuana is illegal:

Old cheap beers dying out:

Crackdowns on illegal immigration:

Not telling Christian zealots when they’ve gone too far:

Any other ideas?

DEAR OBAMA: Letter from America

2010-06-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

To: President Barack “Big O” Obama
Cc: Uncle Sam, Joe “Big Mouth” Biden,
The Waco Kid, Goofers McWaxalot

Greetings. It’s the America Public. We are really tired and frustrated and pissed off. The economy’s in the shitter. There aren’t even jobs for immigrants to take from us. We’re at war in two places…right? We’ve stopped caring about that, but it still kinda sucks.

You spent a ton of money changing our health care system. We don’t really know how that’s gonna work out. You got those Wall Street laws going into place, we guess that’s good. But now we got that unstoppable oil spill, and it is making you look bad. It’s not your fault, we know, but we have to blame someone. We could blame BP, and we kinda do, but we don’t really know them. Turns out they’re British and we’re tired of blaming foreigners for stuff. We need to blame someone right here in America. You’re in charge, we gotta blame you. Don’t take it personally. We even found shit to unfairly blame on Bush.

Most of all, the economy’s doing badly and we need help. Health care and financial reform may help in the future, but we need something right now. But, not another Stimulus. We don’t like that. That cost a lot of money and didn’t really affect us directly. In fact, no more government programs. The Republicans keep saying the government makes things worse and we’re inclined to agree. But you still need to do something, so…you’re gonna have to help us without expanding government.

How ‘bout tax cuts? We like those. Except you can’t cut our programs, we like those, too. And you can't increase the debt. That’s bad too. So, you’re going to have to find Fat somewhere in the budget to cut. There must some kind of pork project you can cut that’s expensive and unnecessary. Not from my state, though. My state’s programs our crucial. You can’t cut them. Cut something from West Virginia, no one likes them.

If you could cast a magic spell on Small Businesses, that might be good. If this is too much to ask, we’ll vote Copperfield Blaine in 2012 cuz they have already promised to do this. Or maybe get the Pope to go on tour blessing all Small Businesses. At the very least, say you did something to help small businesses. That would make us happy.

Maybe this is all impossible. You better hope not, cuz we want it. And if you don’t get it, we’ll vote for someone who promises it to us. Again, this isn’t your fault, it’s just tough shit. Don’t take it personally. We re-elected W. And Nixon. Nixon! We HATED the bastard and still re-elected him.

So, at least we’re consistent about what we want, even if what we want is full of inconsistencies. Sorry, we don’t care. Honestly, try scraping to survive and then worrying about consistency at the end of the day.

You signed on for this, Mr. President. Think of something. You went to Harvard, you’re a lawyer. You’re smart. You organized on the South Side of Chicago, so you have experience working in Total Economic Clusterfucks. Figure this out. We like you. We don’t want to elect another asshole, but we will.

Laters, Big O. You’re the Best!

John Q. Public and Co.

P.S. If you can find any way to blame this on Biden, do it!

The More Things Change

2010-04-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Have you heard what the GOP is saying about ObamaCare?

Via Dana Milbank

"This is the largest tax bill in history," the Republican leader fumed. The reform "is unjust, unworkable, stupidly drafted and wastefully financed."

And that wasn't all. This "cruel hoax," he said, this "folly" of "bungling and waste," compared poorly to the "much less expensive" and "practical measures" favored by the Republicans.

"We must repeal," the GOP leader argued. "The Republican Party is pledged to do this."

Wait, no that was about Social Security in the 1930s.

If we pass this, "one of these days, you and I are going to spend our sunset years telling our children, and our children's children, what it once was like in America when men were free."

Wait, no that was Ronald Reagan talking about Medicare.

Here’s what they’re saying about the Immigration.

We have in the United States today hardcore, indigestible blocs which have not become integrated into the American way of life, but which, on the contrary are its deadly enemies. Today, as never before, untold millions are storming our gates for admission and those gates are cracking under the strain. The solution of the problems of [Mexico] will not come through a transplanting of those problems en masse to the United States.

No, I’m sorry, actually that was Senator Pat McCarran talking about Eastern European immigrants.

All I’m saying is Republicans need some new material. Or, if they are correct, and Big Government and Immigrants are destroying America, at least be consistent and say this has been happening for 70 years, with FDR’s Social Security and Truman’s veto of the McCarran Act, and LBJ’s Medicare. Either way, Obama has not orchestrated a sudden Socialist takeover.

T.E.A. Party like it’s 1799

2010-04-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Thursday was Tax Day, the day when we are all TEA partiers. But Friday I went back to thinking the tea partiers are crazy. Why?

They are the hippies of our time, except they are Right Wing hippies.

They are a Silent Majority that is neither silent nor a majority.

It stands for Taxed Enough Already. They must have come here in a DeLorean.

Back in the good ol' days, Ronald Reagan would never have raised taxes, right?

If taxes are too high for you here, move to a country with lower taxes. For lower personal and corporate taxes, your choices are Iceland, Australia, Ireland, New Zealand, Mexico, Korea, or a third-world country. I’m guessing you want to avoid learning a new language and you’re looking for somewhere sunny like Cost Rica, that narrows it down to Australia. Bon voyage, mate!

These people believe health care reform that lacks even a Public Option is a “government takeover.” If they have a problem with it, they should move with Rush Limbaugh to Costa Rica, where they can see what a government takeover of health care really looks like.

These people decided to show their concern about sky-rocketing spending and deficits after George W. Bush left office. Probably because the new president happens to be a Democrat, or maybe because he is black or has a funny name like Barack Obama, but for some reason, they suddenly decided their country was falling apart. I never thought I’d say this, but give Lou Dobbs credit. He was harassing Bush on these issues as well, so at least he is consistent.

Why don’t you write a letter to the editor stating exactly why Obama’s policies will be ineffective, rather than drawing Hitler mustaches on him or praying that the Ghost of Reagan will smite him?

It’s fine to criticize the president. I could write an entire post about things he has done wrong (I just haven't thought of a way to make it funny, and my posts have been humorless enough lately). But you have two choices, Tea Party.

Option A: Stop being ridiculously nostalgic about the past. The time’s they are a-changin’ so too bad. Whether you’re upset that the president has a funny name, or that he’s black, or simply that he’s changing things, get over it. 53% of the country voted for a president who said “Change” more than Giuliani said 9/11. You can say individual changes are bad, but you seem to be simply against Change. The whole Tea Party image is about romanticizing the past. You think you’re all little Paul Reveres, saving the country from King George (you missed your chance, that was the last president). Don’t tell me what the Founding Fathers would do. Like they would understand the internet or al Qaeda or derivatives. Don’t tell me what Reagan would do (you already guessed Never Raise Taxes and you got that wrong, folks, thanks for playing). Stop living in the past (one that you remember inaccurately). Let it go.

Option B: Get back in your DeLorean and travel back to the past. Say hi to the Gipper for me!

We Live in a Moment that Doesn’t Exist

2010-04-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the J.J. Abrams presidency. That insane ‘08 campaign was only the beginning. Does anyone know what is going on? The nation’s fate is utterly uncertain, like the folks running around on that island. Obama exudes a feeling of wonder, a sense that he could save the day at any second but strings you along like mid-season episodes of Lost.

The ambiguous tension, wandering, yelling, and constant twists yield no real game changes. No sense of resolution. (Health care reform passed, but doesn’t take effect for years, and the GOP is vowing to Repeal and Replace it.) Now we seem to have traveled back in time to 1994 (GOP poised to take back congress). The Others are running around swearing the end is near if we don’t change course (angry mobs and TEA Partiers).

So what now? The only way to top all this insanity would be a tie in 2012 presidential election…which would be a disaster. Imagine the 2000 Election mess, but amidst a gigantic recession. Imagine those Florida mobs, but the size of TEA Party mobs: Democrats being accused of a Nazi Socialist takeover, Republicans being called racists of a second confederacy. The entire country would start coming apart at the seams and descend into a civil war. Man, this always happens when elect skinny Illinois lawyers to the presidency!

Plus, we should note that congress decides a tie. So a Democratic congress would pick Obama. But if the GOP takes over congress, they could Repeal and Replace him with their candidate, who we’ll call Mitt McPalin Huckalenty, from Grand Old Tea Party Ticket. Madness…

Still, there are countless other possibilities, which brings me to the point of this meandering post. We live a moment that doesn’t exist. Day after day, America toils aimless through a 24-hour news cycle of hopeless absurdity. Democratic and Republican favorability shoots up and down in the polls like the stock market, while snake oil salesmen try desperately to make sense of it all and sell the story to you, usually hyper-analyzing fleeting fads and trends until something important (or at least scandalous) comes up.

None of it matters. An entire year of angry mobs berating congressmen about hypothetical health care bills felt like an eternity, but it will all be a footnote in history. And the public sees each footnote documented in detail on cable news and the internet. As we are flooded with information, we depend on the Mainstream Media to filter it for us, but they’re the ones saturating our brains with distractions and disinformation. Year and year, emotions build daily as partisan anchors educate their side on every piece of dirt they have on the other side, and non-partisan anchors stand back spinelessly, eager to split the difference. Viewers are then turned loose to have ill-informed debates with each other, or to cast ill-informed votes.

The point is that emotions are running high over things that hardly matter or are hardly understood. We are extremely informed yet essentially ignorant. I don’t know what the solution is. All I can say is take a deep breath and remember that, much like Lost, most of this madness is a mere interlude before we find out what really happens. The signing of the health care bill may turn out to be landmark event, but most of the time we live in a moment that doesn’t exist.

The Prayerbook, Reinvented

2010-04-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

A Different kind of review of the iPad
The iPad is to technology what the prayerbook is to religion. It may not be the entire bible but it sure does quote it, and includes quite a few original verses as well. Can religion exist without prayerbooks? Absolutely. Is it better off because of them? Many would argue yes. Apple is occasionally viewed as a religion or a cult due to the zealous nature of its fans and its us or nothing approach to its ecosystem. However, you don't have to be a Catholic to appreciate the prayerbook they've created and you may even find something in it for you that you didn't expect.
Most reviews of the iPad all go the same way. It's an amazing piece of technology and engineering but it doesn't do Flash, has no USB ports and is basically a large iPod touch. They might spend time telling you that it has an Apple branded A4 processor and has 512 Megs of RAM. You may then, as others have, compare it to a computer you own and say that you'd never buy the iPad because 512 Megs of RAM isn't enough to do the things you do with a computer. I admit, I first thought back to my old IBM Thinkpad 600e with a 400 Meg PII and 512 megs of RAM from 1998 when I heard the specs. The hardest thing for technical people to do in this day and age is separate the specs from the actual experience.
For the past twenty-five years or so, we have used specs of this nature to define the computing experience. I personally remember when we made the switch from measuring processor speed from MHz to GHz. It meant we were going to enter a new age of computing performance. Everything is going to run lightning fast and we will have as many programs as we want up at once. But something rather interesting occurred. We realized that most of the things we did on the computer didn't change at all. Word processing, web browsing, IM didn't appear to run any faster and we stopped caring that it could run more apps at once because we already had the six or so ones we cared about open.
Then came the evolution of the display. Displays started to become much larger and resolutions became much greater. We noticed this, cause we could now see two documents on the screen, side by side. Aspect ratios changed from 4:3 to 16:9. But again, the experience remained static.
You simply can't compare the experience of using the iPad to other computers you've used before. You might then say, it uses the iPhone OS and I've used an iPhone before so it's the same thing except larger. This too is simply untrue. Perhaps my favorite, are the talking heads who state, never having used the device mind you, that while the device may be good at consuming content, it's terrible at creating it. We will deal with that one a bit later. Now that we've mentioned the common fallacies, what makes the iPad different? Why should I care? To get to the root of what makes the iPad a game changer, we have to start with the word I.
The iPad is a deeply personal experience. It is easily tailored to your needs and desires. Despite what people say about all the apps and the iWork suite, the iPad will be defined by what you decide to do with it. Yes, it is an ebook reader and an iPod and a word processor. However, like the preverbal tree in the woods, if you don't set it up that way, no one will hear it. In the end, it is very much like a computer in this regard.
Going back to the specs for a moment, the one stat that certainly matters is the battery life. Apple rated it at ten hours. I used my iPad nonstop for almost fourteen hours and still, had twenty-two percent left. You will easily be able to get a few real days of use out of it on a single change. A quick note on speed. Despite the specs mentioned earlier, the iPad is lightning fast. It performs all tasks with ease and never feels "bogged down" as computers sometimes feel. The other big knock is on multitasking. This unfortunately is rather true to an extent. You can have email fetching and music playing while performing any other task. In fact I have Bon Jovi blaring as I write this. However it would be nice to have IM running in the background while doing something different or streaming music while reading a magazine.
One minor issue with the word processor. There is no tab button on the keyboard. You need to turn the iPad vertically and pull tab out of a menu. It is surprisingly annoying. This issue can be mitigated with any Bluetooth keyboard. In general there are good work arounds for most issues and the issues it has can all be addressed later with software updates.
Almost ten years ago when wifi was becoming available to the general public, I boldly predicted that computers were going to be moving away from self contained modules and would become thin clients. This has basically come true. Our content is now stored in the "cloud" and we can now access it from multiple devices from anywhere. The iPad isn't the first device to do this but is the first device to take on the traditional PC. To address the content creation issue, this entire review was written on the iPad's virtual keyboard at roughly the same pace as a normal one. There are also apps that mimic a piano or give you an entire sketchbook. One last thing, the iPad can actually be used as a prayerbook and it may surprise you to learn that the most popular type of app in the store continues to be the Bible.
-Lance Murdock

OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE ULTIMATUM

2010-03-04T00:26:00.000-08:00

President Obama has been demanding action on health care from a gridlocked congress. Today, he made a final ultimatum to those blocking his health care bill. PMW received this statement from the administration.

My fellow Americans, the time for partisanship and stalling tactics has long passed. It is time to pass this bill. It is time to serve the people. I have urged congress to act, but they have failed to do so. This will be the most important bill I will sign into law as president. If I cannot get this bill through while my party overwhelmingly controls both the House and the Senate, I do not see how I will accomplish anything as president. At that point, I might as well walk away.

That’s right, America. If congress does not pass health care reform THIS MONTH, I will resign as president of the United States. I quit. Why continue this charade?

Now, you all know what this means. If I quit, Biden is president. How do you like them apples? So, anyone who doesn’t want Joe Biden running this country had better call their representatives and demand that they vote for my health care bill.

It’s your choice, America. I’ve seen the poll numbers. I know you like me better than Joe. I know he scares you. What if he says some stupid shit to a nuclear power? Boom! One gaffe leaves America glowing with radiation for hundreds of years. He’ll take us on the next Amtrak train straight to hell.

Your call, folks. Health care for America now or President Biden for America now.

LET DOWN WITH REVEREND OLBERMANN

2010-02-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

Good evening and welcome to Countdown. I’m Keith Olbermann. I am liberal and proud of it. I am also intelligent and well-educated, and slightly too proud of that. My first guest is a fellow intelligent liberal and we shall discuss how right we are about an issue and how wrong the Republicans are. There will be some real news, but we shall try to limit that.

Next, we shall discuss celebrity tabloid news. Hopefully, we will cover Paris Hilton tonight, as she is an easy person of which to make fun. This is beneath me, but it ensures higher ratings so that I can maintain this sweet gig. Now, back to the real news.

Coming up next: I am going to announce which right-wing asshole is currently enraging me the most. Could it be Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly? I could report on more real news, but admit it: it is so very fun to watch me roast these assholes. Also, you will not want to miss my Special Comment. Will I remain calm and make some good points? Or will I go on a ridiculous tirade and end up as fodder for the Daily Show? Find out later.

We’re back. I pick Bill O’LIE-ly from Fox Boos as today's biggest asshole, for the 687th time. I hope I have convinced you that he is a jerk.

Our top story tonight: Political Mouthwash blogger The Waco Kid, famed for his bad puns and low readership, has been referring to me as Reverend Olbermann, because my show is “little more than self-indulgent preaching to the liberal choir.” He offered me faux praise, saying my show “sucks less than most news shows.” I figured I would read that on my show so that more than two people might actually hear about it. I am quite pleased with that insult, lest you cannot tell from my smug grin.

That’s Countdown, on this, the 2,519th day since the “liberal” Mainstream Media actually let an openly liberal anchor have his own show. To all those searching for high quality news: good night and good luck.

Thrillabuster II: Land of the Dead

2010-01-31T15:37:00.000-08:00

How do you kill something that is already dead? Our nation's politics have turned into a zombie movie (but not because the GOP lumbers around mumbling the same thing and attacking Dems, while the Dems flee helplessly). Congress is haunted by a superzombie. I tell you, the filibuster is dead, and yet is undead, as in WILL NOT DIE. Observe:

The filibuster was originally created in the nineteenth century to allow a senator to say his peace as long as he wanted (Senators can do basically whatever they want, whereas members of the House have to clean the bathrooms themselves). Over time, they made a rule that 67 Senators could close debate on issue and force a vote (aka CLOTURE), and then 60. But the idea was, it was an emergency barrier to one-in-a-blue-moon, dangerous policy.

This really was a non-issue until the Democrats decided that most of W's judicial nominations were nut-jobs and tried to filibuster them. The GOP reacted strongly saying they were shocked--SHOCKED--to see the Democrats abuse a beloved Senate tradition. When the Dems took back congress and the White House, the GOP, ever the model of consistency, proceeded to vote against cloture on every major issue they voted against.

Example: Health Care

You would expect votes on health care to follow party lines, with moderates feeling torn. You'd assume that some might decide to vote against it without seeing the need to play the filibuster card. And you would be wrong. The Senate Dems got everyone to vote for health care (even the Benator and Joementum, after buying them off). The GOP got everyone, even the Moderate Maine Maidens (who voted for the stimulus) and Chuck Grassley (Max Baucus's bromantic hetero life-mate) to vote for it. Not only did these people vote against it, they all voted against cloture. They went from, "maybe I could vote for this" to "I'm taking desperate measures to stop this."

The GOP has shown it will use emergency measures to block every bill it opposes. So everything the Democrats do is an emergency. But that means emergencies don't really exist anymore (like moderate Senate Republicans). The filibuster, as an emergency brake for legislation, is no more. What's left is an old rule that has strangely mutated into a requirement that only 60 votes can pass a bill (that...or a pair of testicles). The filibuster is dead, and yet must be killed. It is terrorizing the Senate, scaring the hell of out Democrats.

Will Baucus and Grassley’s bromance fall apart? Can the Mormon Mime find the courage to speak out and lead the Senate (or lose reelection in November)? Will Big O finally live up to the hype (or simply end up delivering the greatest concession speech in history)? Tune in next time on WTF is Wrong with our Country?

Thrillabuster! GOP Gains 41 Percent Majority

2010-01-20T18:07:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, the Republicans gained their coveted 41st seat to attain the plurality they were searching for. Facing a divided Democratic party (some fire-breathing liberals, some cowering liberals, a few Blue Dogs), the Republican obstructionist coalition now holds the most votes. This is a huge blow to President Obama, who is watching the bill he has vigorously defended with speeches and soundbytes slip away.

America has spoken and they have demanded that the Democrats adopt a more bi-partisan approach. This means they must move beyond compromise to discover a new way forward. This could include letting the Republicans write all legislation, yielding all debate time to the GOP, or even filibusters where the Democrats stand up and apologize for all the bad bills they have passed.

“We are so sorry,” said Sen. Max Baucus, a major player in the health care debate. “If we had known you would break our filibuster-proof majority, we would have taken health care off the table long ago.”

“The people of Massachusetts should be ashamed of themselves,” yelled Speaker Pelosi. "Their pathetic stupidity has destroyed our 60-vote crutch and all hope that we would enact any part of our agenda. Now we have to wait until we regain our supermajority before we can pass any bill."

“I really don’t care,” remarked fatalistic Super-Minority Leader Harry Reid. “I may lose my seat, too. At this point, a dark-skinned African American with a negro dialect could probably beat me.”

Farewell Dreary Oh’s: PMW Prediction Check

2010-01-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

Thank God this last decade is over. The 2000s, the Ohs, the Aughts, the Naughties, the Zeroes, whatever you call it. I call it the Dreary Oh’s. I say bring on the Teens (not like that, sicko). So, here are some predictions for the next decade, but first, let’s take a look back on predictions from this blog, in honor of its Two-Year Wash-iversary. You know how annoying it is when a TV show does a “clip show.” This is like that, except no one’s getting paid (Buy merchandise please!) Let’s call it a Link Show. Here we go:

Correct predictions:
Obama wins primary and general.

Huckabee gets fat, Edwards has love child: I correctly predicted both these facts in a post on January 12, 2008.

Springsteen endorsement seals McCain’s fate: Unsubstantiated but trust me! Way to go Goofers.

Rise of the Tea Parties: I think this is the Libertarian Revolution I predicted.

McCain picks Palin: I called it…sort of.

Wrong Predictions:
Writer’s Strike Forces Good Shows Off Air: So many awesome shows on TV right now. But what the HELL is up with cancelling Conan? NBC is batshit insane.

Hillary Clinton contracts cholera: A genuine threat, but it didn't happen.

Obama picks me as his VP: Would have been a good idea though…

Obama Taps Doc Brown: Would have been a good idea though...

Howard Dean influencing primaries/getting HHS post (although he now works for CNBC and was prominent in the health care debate)

Frequent promises to increase posting on this blog…Hey, sorry…

Future Ones:
ObamaCare passes, but Cap’n Trade gets put out to sea and Immigration Bill gets deported.

Biden will make 2,010 gaffes in 2010.

Sarah Palin joins Fox News, calls Democrats unpatriotic, immoral Socialists. She will run for the GOP nomination and eventually lose badly. She’ll call the GOP sexist, and run as an independent.

Romney will run too, but everyone will have forgotten who he is. He’ll try to harness anti-ObamaCare sentiment but will drop out when he can’t explain how it’s different from RomneyCare.

The GOP wins a few Senate seats in 2010. Obama’s political stressors build up and seep into his personal life. He starts smoking again and has an affair with Hillary. It causes an uproar, but unites the liberal base and ultimately leads to his reelection.

99 PROBLEMS BUT HEALTH CARE REFORM AIN’T ONE

2010-01-09T13:05:00.000-08:00

PMW received the following statement from Barack Obama, entitled Verse 2:

(See Verse 1 here)

The year is ’09 and our health care’s flawed
On the Senator floor is a bill from Senator Dodd
Congress has two choices, they can give up or
Bounce to the bill, put the bill on the floor
Now I know that this is a really tough case
It’ll cost a few dollars but will cut much waste
So, I pull over on Capitol Hill
I hear “Obama, do you know why we’re opposin this bill?”
Cuz, you think I’m a Socialist, Elitist still?
You think that the country doesn’t have the will?
You think I’m gonna mess up just like Bill?
"Well you forgettin' that there's no bill that we can't kill
Take out the public option or we’ll filibuster
We opposin’ this bill with all the strength we can muster”
Fine, take it out and leave everything else in.
And it looks like we can buy off Senator Nelson.
“Well aren't you clever, looks like you got even.
You’re crafty like a lawyer, but is this change we can believe in?”
I did pass the bar and I know a little bit
I know that congress is gonna pass this shit
“Well, we’ll see how smart you are when the immigration bill comes”
I got 99 problems but health care ain’t one
Hit me!

2010: The Year We Make Contract

2009-12-31T14:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry I’ve been posting so rarely. My life has been really busy, now that I have a day job. Also, I’ve felt mostly humorless about politics lately. So here is a list of recent stuff that bothered me in this foul year of our lord 2009 that I hope changes (Please Obama, give us that change you promised right now!). In the spirit of PMW’s Contract for America, designed by Goofers, I submit to you, Resolutions for America in 2010.

Stop hoping or expecting the most successful athletes/actors/politicians will be the most moral citizens. You don’t rise to the top by being the nicest. You do it by being confident and driven, boldly pursuing what you want, and not taking “no” for an answer. Those are not the characteristics of saints and family man. If anything, we should view famous people as MORE likely to cheat. You don’t have to be HAPPY Tiger cheated, but at the very least, don’t be SURPRISED or HURT. He did not cheat on the public. It’s not our business if he cheats, unless it’s on the golf course (or unless he bangs another woman on the golf course during a tournament). In 2010, expect more Charlie Sheen and less Tom Hanks.

Stop acting like there was an obvious course of action in Afghanistan. (Yeah, I took a shot at Goofers. It happens sometimes) Obama had to decide among a set of less terrible options. I have no idea if he’s doing the right thing and anyone who is sure either way frightens me. This surge could easily turn into Vietnam Part II, but leaving could increase the chances of an Af-Pak Nuclear Free-For-All. Obama is walking a fine line and it may turn out that he’s doing brilliantly. He may also be trying too hard to please everyone and may end up failing miserably and incurring everyone's wrath. Is this 8 years overdue or 8 years too late? In 2010, we may find out.

Stop acting like Mike Huckabee is on the hook for the murder of those Tacoma cops. This went down in my state, so it definitely matters to me. There are many people partly to blame, and Huck is one of them, but he pardoned a teenager sent to jail for approximately 100 years for armed robbery. If you think that was a fair punishment, you’re insane. However, I will enjoy watching to see what far-right stance Huck will soon take to try to win back the conservative base. In 2010, Huck-Haters need to find legit reasons to attack Huck, or at least make fun of him getting fat again.

Stop making hopelessly inconsistent arguments. Republican leaders say Obama/Pelosi/Reid never worked in the private sector, so they can't run the economy well. So...I’ll be expecting resignations in 2010 from those of them who have not served in the military, since they can't keep us safe, as well as resignations from those who haven't worked in the non-profit sector, since they can't solve our social problems. In 2010, I don’t expect politicians to change, but I hope the public will tire of their bullshit.

Stop letting the GOP bully you, Democrats. Stand up for yourselves. The GOP is using the filibuster in historically unprecedented ways. It was always used relatively rarely, then the Democrats used it to stop many of Bush’s judges, and now the GOP uses it to stop any bill they dislike. Basically, the Democrats now need 60 votes to pass anything (the GOP needs fewer votes because the Dems are cowards). While some delight in this cautious approach to governance, it means that nothing ever happens in congress (and my jokes about Democratic cowardice are getting stale, so it also deprives me of new material). If a party scores huge victories in elections, they should be allowed to govern, and then if the public disapproves of their governance, they should vote them out next time. It doesn't matter which party is in power. The public deserves the government they put in power, even if you think it’s bad. I say, bust out the nukes! Nuclear Option! Kill the filibuster! In 2010, the Democrats should pass the Harkin Plan or something like it.

Stop acting like the world is ending. You don’t need to hoard gold or guns. We’re gonna make it. In 2010, things will get better. Trust me.

Congressional Cripple Fight

2009-12-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: If you are offended by jokes about the disabled, or casual use of the word “cripple,” please stop reading now, because this isn’t gonna be pretty. But first, let me argue that whether you call them Specially-Abled Persons or Crippety Crips shouldn’t matter. PC labels do not cure them of their disability nor do labels help them garner the respect they deserve. We should accept people’s flaws rather than pretend that we don’t see them. These people are not worthless even if their legs are. Unless, their legs can be cured with medical treatment, which brings us to today’s subject.

Cripple fight in Congress! Have you ever seen two more ineffectual groups battle and bicker with each other in such a hopeless stalemate? It’s like Jimmy and Timmy on South Park. You have Timmy, who spouts the same thing over and over again, and Jimmy, talks more but still struggles.

“So we should have a…a, you know, a public option. To compete with the private companies, so they--.”

“SOCIALISM!”

“Well, okay…how ‘bout a, a, a, a weak public option, so that the private companies can, uh, do better than the public option and then it’s definitely not a socialist kinda--”

“SOCIALISM!”

“So then we can, like, make a like, a like, private plan, but, like, call it a public plan and the government would, like, you know, look at it from time to time, and be like--”

“SOCIALISM!”

The Republicans are making amazing use of what little power a 40-seat opposition has, but all they can do is stall. And they can’t win public support because they have no coherent vision, just contradictory reasons why the Democrats’ ideas are dangerous (But the one perk of being in the minority is you can do that all day long).

For example, there are two main problems with the Democrats’ health care reform: First, it will cost too much. Second, it will have death panels that will pull the plug on Grandma because they'll be SO concerned about keeping costs down, but at the same time costs will be SO high that Uncle Sam will go bankrupt or need to tax all your money.

The public option is also a huge problem. The worst part about the public option is that it will be terrible for everyone who has it. The second worst thing is that this terrible government health plan will attract everyone to it and put the good health plans out of business. People will voluntarily choose inferior, evil government health plans, putting all the good plans out of business. Americans will make these unbelievably dumb decisions, even though they are smart enough that they don't need the government to make decisions for them. Don't hurt yourself trying to understand this, especially if you have bad insurance.

Finally, the GOP is proposing an amendment requiring that all members of congress enroll in the public option. If it's so good, why don't you try it, the GOP asks, channeling the first grader in all of us. This is the second best argument the GOP has made, only surpassed by their argument that socialized medicine is bad and consumers should have choices, but should not be able to choose a public option. So, we established before that the biggest threat from the public option is that if it crowds out the private sector, people will be FORCED into it. And no one should be forced into the public plan. Except congress. (Al Franken is up for it anyway).

So the Democrats are facing an opposition which just spouts complete nonsense and is less powerful than the opposition the Republicans faced during the Bush years, but they have been unable to convince the public and are too afraid to stand up to a filibuster. The Blue Dogs are also proving difficult to convince, but it looks like after a bunch of fuss, most or all of them may come around (they’re all bark and no bite), but only after Democrats made huge compromises on the bill. Still, it’s been a helluva thing to witness. The Republicans haven’t had a leg to stand on and the Democrats have been paralyzed by fear. Looks like a cripple fight from here.

PMW UPDATE: UPDATE!

2009-12-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

We've got t-shirts people! They're going for $30.00 + S&H. We need all the help we can get from your pockets since most of us are unemployed or working at minimum wage jobs.

We have two tshirt styles currently available which we will be transfering into a "Merch" section once we figure out how to do it. Both styles can be delivered in Men's or Women's t-shirt cuts and sizes.

Style 1: PMW Main Logo

Style 2: PMW Update Logo

Send T-Shirt Requests to PoliticalMouthWash@gmail.com, please be sure to specify size, design and color.

Regards,

Goofers

PMW Update: Oh my god is this blog still here? I am SOOooo sorry..

2009-12-04T10:20:00.001-08:00

I want to send out a heartfelt public apology to all the readers of this blog (all six of you). I had an unfortunate job working for the Dark Lord Kromdar over the last 8 months and he gave me little if any time to blog or use my soul in any way other than to fuel his dark dominion in the undercaverns of Mt. Doom. I know, it's really no excuse to let you down and I felt that in order to maintain our credibility with the readership we needed to establish some sort of trust bond or safety blanket type thingy so that you aren't left in this kind of situation again.

If this wasn't a digital sort of pledge I'm sure we'd all spend a day together doing trust falls backward into each others arms and re-enacting our birth from the womb of forgiveness but since this is a blog, and i'm pretty sure that kind of stuff is all clap trap anyways, Let's do this... I'd like to offer you the same kind of bullshit pillow talk that the Republican party offered us way back in 1994.

I present to you:

THE POLITICAL MOUTHWASH CONTRACT WITH AMERICA!!

The Deadbeat Bloggers and Journalists at PMW declare the following:

1. We shall post every week (rain or shine) twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday.

2. We will do our best to rely less on facts (which are easy to get wrong) and try to write articles based solely on opinion and conjecture.

3. We promise to use smaller words and keep all text at a maximum of a 6th grade reading level

4. We will decrease the amount of drunk/high blog postings by 50% over the next 10 months.

5. If anybody still wants a PMW T-shirt they are officially on sale today for $30, email me for details and i can get them to you within 17 business days.

Thanks everybody for your understanding...stay weird!

America is Royally Screwed!

2009-10-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

The problem with American politics is that it involves policy as well as pomp and circumstance. In the 2000 election, I would have voted for Gore (if I was 18), but if you had asked me who I would rather have had a beer with (if I was 18--I mean 21), I would have said Bush, as many people did. I honestly don’t think Bush beat Gore because of policy positions. People like George W. Bush win elections because, deep down, America's ideal president is a guy with a cowboy hat, twin pistols, a big belt buckle, and a giant SUV from the reddest depths of Red America who establishes the kind of center-left policies overwhelming associated with Democrats from Blue America. Sadly, the Blue Staters pushing these policies tend to be too nerdy or too urban or not pretty enough. So we end up electing the Red State Cowboy, and we get the right figurehead, but the wrong policies.

Obama is sort of an exception. He has the charisma to impress most Americans and the press loves brooding over what his wife’s wearing or what his daughters are doing. He’s the “Celebrity President.” But lately he is having trouble balancing his status as hip figurehead with his role as leftish policy wonk. Obama goes to speak at schools or stump for the Olympics, and some people like to have the president do such things, but others criticize him for “politicizing the Olympic bid” or “indoctrinating students.” We need to separate these two roles, figurehead and policy wonk. We need to separate policies from personality.

America needs a king! Just think, Obama could make his nice speeches and go out to dinner with Michelle and have no problems. No more accusations that he's politicizing anything. He's the king! That's just what he does.

For years, I mocked the British for their obsession with their royalty, for even having royalty, but now I see the error of my ways. America is no different. We need that outlet for celebrity obsession, and apparently Hollywood is not satisfying our needs. The Brits got it right. All this time we've been trying to combine Prince William and Tony Blair into a single figure. What fools we've been! Bring back monarchy! America needs a meaningless figurehead (before the president becomes one).

Idea based on comments made by Matt Yglesias

***UPDATE

So, Friday, Obama won the Nobel Prize. Another case where as king, this would have been awesome, but as President, this is a political fiasco.

GRAND OLD POUTERS: The Path to Failure

2009-09-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

The Republicans have become the party of Kanye West and Serena Williams. Two of the biggest stories in our beloved mainstream media this week have been Serena Williams’s tirade against a line judge and Kanye West interrupting the VMAs to tell poor Taylor Swift that she did not deserve a completely worthless award (I mean MTV doesn’t even show music videos anymore, so why should their awards mean anything???)

But both these stories are perfect symbols of the Republican Party at this time. They also interrupted Obama during a speech and have been whining about the health care reform process. Obama and the Democrats are suffering, but that has more to do with the fact that the opposition during a recession doesn’t really have to do anything except bitch about those in power. It is not as if the GOP has offered people a compelling alternative on health care or any of today’s big issues.

Jason Whitlock recently wrote a great article for Fox Sports called “Serena’s a whiner, Jordan’s a winner,” basing their differences on reaction to adversity. No matter what happened to him throughout his career, Jordan simply got better and better and proved he was the best, rather than whining like Serena. If you don’t like the call, play harder, don’t whine louder.

The GOP lost badly in the last midterms and the presidential election. They need to get over it. America voted for the Democrats, so now the Democrats get to govern. This is exactly what the GOP said during the Bush years. America elected Barack Obama president and they elected big majorities to both houses, like it or not. The Republicans have to accept that they’re not going to get their way this year or next year. If they don’t like it, they had better take back congress in 2010 or beat Obama in 2012. They need to be like Mike, not Serena.

The Republicans have also been reduced to childish antics such as Joe Wilson’s interrupting the president to call him a liar. I’m sorry, but I don’t think Obama is a liar. More importantly, I doubt the GOP’s “Liar, Liar Pants on Fire” campaign will work, even if Sarah Palin is running it.

I don’t know what strategy would work for the GOP, but they should start by acting like grown-ups. Learning to raise their hands and wait their turn to speak would be nice. And, to paraphrase Bambi, “If you don’t have anything intelligent to say, don’t say anything at all.” Learn these childhood lessons, Republicans, and then come back to the grown-up’s table and talk to us.

We need an adult conversation about health care, not pictures of Obama with a Hitler mustache (a pathetic twist on juvenile behavior). But the Republicans don’t want that. All they want is to stall and obstruct the Democrats (Remember how the Democrats did that a few years ago, and the GOP said was disgraceful?).

The mainstream media wants something even worse. They want what they always want: an epic, bare-knuckle, no-holds-bar, hyphenate-filled, Steel Cage Match. A Battle Royale between Socialists and Reactionaries. They want to see the Party of No and the Party of D’oh play a childish game of hot potato with the future of our country. Their medical bills are skyrocketing too, and they gotta raise money to pay ‘em with catchy quotes and record-high ratings. They need viewers and they’re not about to put everyone to sleep with lectures on insurance exchanges or cost curves.

The only way the public will get an informative report on health care is if the Federal Commission of T-Pain deploys those crazy kids to auto-tune it for us. Help us, angry gorilla! You’re our only hope.

Was There an Election Last Year?

2009-08-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

What in the wide world sports is going on? Obama won an election in November on a “Change” platform, but little has actually changed. Now, he can’t seem to herd the cats of congress, his approval ratings are in free fall, his town halls are being disrupted by angry mobs, and the health care bill got delayed till after Congress’s summer recess (it's fitting that congress gets recess, they’re such children).

What went wrong?

The Sudden Ending of the Unexplained Obama Love-Fest: His inflated poll numbers during his honeymoon were bound to come back down to Earth now that he’s actually doing stuff and people are forming opinions. Those numbers were based on the fact that nothing had happened.

The Public’s Memory Problem: Obama ran explicitly on health care reform. Is anybody home? This is not like Bush running on a “humble foreign policy” and then launching that misadventure in Iraq. Although, to be fair, maybe the public has just learned not to believe to politicians when they make promises.

Madame Failure and the Mormon Mime: The Senate is being led by Harry Reid (D-Nevada), the Bumbling Boxer, the Soft-spoken Westerner who is rarely speaking and never heard, the Mormon Mime. I don’t blame him perse. He seems like a nice guy and it’s not easy for a Democrat to hold office in Nevada, but clearly the Democrats made a poor choice (as usual) by putting him in charge. Whatever he’s doing isn’t working. Meanwhile, the House is run by Nancy Pelosi (D-Hippietown), aka Madame Failure. Pelosi should be recognized for pulling off a huge feat. She has been the strongest uniting force for a divided Republican Party, while somehow not bringing home the bacon for her Democratic base. Bottom line: Neither one has accomplished anything other than proving that 60 votes aren’t enough for the Democrats to pass bills. So who are Pelosi and Reid unable to convince?

Blue Dog Democrats: Meet the Blue Dogs. These moderate to conservative Democrats are on an epic quest to prove that Democrats are not tax and spenders who only waste your money. They are also wary of health care reform’s hefty price tag. They are correct to argue that few American institutions are more wasteful than the government. However, they fail to realize that one of those few institutions is the US Health Care System. We could pull ideas from a hat at random and get a less wasteful system. Opposing health care reform because it is too expensive is like wearing jeans to an interview with H&R Block because a suit would cost too much. This is what we call being pennywise and pound foolish. Despite the large startup cost, reform would probably save money in the long run. Even the Democrats should be able to create a system that is less wasteful.

Angry Mobs (WTF???): Other people are worried the government will not only spend all their money, but will take their doctors way from them. These angry mobs have been lent credibility by Sarah Palin (more sub-prime loans!) who has echoed their fears of death panels, forced euthanasia, and government-funded abortions (personally administered by Obama!). Now, these people have a right to express their opinions on health care, but so far all they’ve done is make a lot of noise and say nothing (they should run for office!). In fact, you could even say these people are patriotic (as long as you thought anti-war protesters were patriotic). If you’re like me, you’re just sick of hearing about them (another Palin connection).

Obama pulls a Reverse Clinton (no, that’s not a sex position): Traveling back in time to 1992, we can see that Bill enlisted Hillary to draft a bill and then dumped it in the hands of the 535 members of congress, assuming that they’d line up loyally like they always do. Who could have predicted that politicians like to hear themselves talk and tend to bicker over issues for months? Obama has decided instead to let congress draft its own bill, except that they’ve drafted more than one. So this means we’re debating a set of hypothetical bills, only one of which will pass. Somewhere along the lines our political system became Deal or No Deal. Alright, America! You may be holding a briefcase with the Baucus Plan or the Kennedy-Dodd Plan or the Blue Dog Plan. Now do you want to keep this briefcase? I’m on the phone with the banker and he says the insurance companies will pay you $800 billion dollars for the briefcase.

Until the Democrats agree on a final plan, we’re fighting futile battles over hypotheticals. Obama has to pull his party together soon and show that he remembers what happened last November.

***UPDATE

Hours after this post, the White House responded, changing their tune.

Michael Jackson-Sarah Palin Affair Revealed

2009-07-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

Sources today confirmed that Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin had an affair. That is the only story regarding either one of them that I would like hear about. Otherwise, the media needs to let it go. MJ left the world and Sarah Baracuda left her post in Alaska. Time to move on! Instead the Mainstream Media, as usual, has served up a piping hot plate of nonsense for us to devour daily.

Anchor: Good evening. Our top story tonight: Michael Jackson is still dead. Here to comment we have Sean “To Be Announced” Combs, once again between nicknames. How do you feel about our coverage of this tragedy?

Combs: I think we should focus on the positives of Michael. We got months to analyze his flaws as a human being.

Anchor: Thank you, Sean. Now, we have Rep. Peter King of New York. Congressman, how do you feel about the coverage.

King: This guy was a pervert and a low-life. To give him this much coverage, day in and day out, what does it say about us as a country? This coverage is too politically correct. What we need to ask ourselves is: Would you leave your child or grandchild in the same room with Michael Jackson?”

NO NO NO! God help us, Diddy, I can’t handle months of Michael coverage. And please, Rep. King, we don’t need to spend time debating how perverted MJ was, we need to STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Speaking of things I don’t want to hear about, guess what! Sarah Palin resigned as governor. If it’s about making money, I don’t care. If it’s about running for president, I don’t think her strange timing will pay off. If it is about leaving public life, then fantastic! I will not be subjected to constant reports on every uniquely-named member of her family. I am begging the MSM to stop reporting on her.

Unless of course there’s any chance she had an affair with Michael Jackson.

RIGHT WINGERS DISCOVER POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

2009-06-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

In a move of tactical brilliance, two frequent targets of PMW’s wrath (Right Wing Wackos and PC Nonsense) have united in an unlikely and uneasy truce. On Friday, Sarah Palin demanded that comedian David Letterman apologize for a joke about A-Rod knocking up her daughter at a Yankees game. But not to her or her family! He is supposed to apologize to all the young women of America, who are apparently suffering emotional scarring from his sexism.

While Letterman’s joke was not very funny, Palin's call for an apology is wrong on so many levels.

1. THE WRONG VICTIM: The person in this joke we should focus on is first-class douche Alex Rodriguez. After burning the city of Seattle, making millions in Texas, becoming a Yankee, cheating on his wife, testing positive steroids, and pretty much being a terrible human being, we need to focus the negative energy on HIM. I have repeatedly called for the Mainstream Media to leave the Palins alone, as I am sick of hearing about them.

2. PC NONSENSE: David Letterman told a joke. I’m shocked, SHOCKED, that a late-night talk show host would make a crude sexual joke. This has never happened before. Seriously? Look, if you don’t like inappropriate jokes, you should unplug your TV and throw it out the window (hopefully hitting A-Rod).

3. EPIC HYPOCRISY: Right Wingers (and, let’s face it, most people in the world) are no strangers to hypocrisy, but this is just a completely new level. The GOP is supposed to be the Party of Rugged Individualists. Badass Southerners and Westerner Pioneers. Tough Bastards in off-roading Jeeps, with their friends riding shotgun like in the old days, with an actual shotgun. Now, Sarah Palin is turning them into the Party of Thin Skin. Meek Children offended by everything. The Right suddenly cares about sexism when their biggest star is a woman. Hmmmm. After hearing them over the years mock any Democrats who suggested something was sexist or politically incorrect, this is just hilarious to watch.

VERDICT: DO NOT APOLOGIZE, DAVID LETTERMAN. Your joke was stupid, but Palin’s reaction was even stupider. In fact, I call on David Letterman to make fun of Palin every night until she shuts up and stops using phony outrage to get more media coverage. Spare the daughter, foil the mother.

**UPDATE

Letterman has apologized, which is sad. However, anti-PC hero Bill Mahr is backing us up, arguing that he knows Letterman, he's not a pervert, and there was no reason for Letterman to apologize. Thanks, Bill!

***UPDATE II
Gail Collins at the New York Times has my back as well.

"Recently, during a dust-up with David Letterman, Palin once again violated the cardinal rule for famous parents who want to shield their children from the media, which is, of course, don’t talk about your children to the media.
She is perhaps the only celebrity in America who does not understand that if a late show host makes a tasteless joke about your daughter, the worst possible response is to complain loudly until it’s certain the entire universe knows your child was insulted, all the while making the joke sound even more offensive than it was."

ADMIN UPDATE: Waco Returns…the Rest of PMW is MIA

2009-06-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

Greetings PMW Nation

Waco, here. I’m back, baby! We nearly went a month without posting. I was swamped with the very end of classes and then I was out of town. I got back and checked into the PMW office, but the entire staff is gone. They've abandoned me! Everyone’s life is crazy right now I suppose.

I can’t say if we’ll get this ship back on course or go down in flames, but we’ll at least have someone cover the confirmation for Sonia Sotomayor, Obama’s Supreme Court nominee. Will the Republicans mount a risky attack on her? Will they alienate all Latinos, who are already voting Democrat more and more? Hispanicdotal evidence also suggests an electoral shift. We’ll have the coverage here.

Thanks to our loyal readers. I’ll try to track down the staff so you can keep reading hilarious (or mediocre) posts and as always, please submit your guest posts. Although it appears even our commenters are gone (LeVar and Jonathan are no doubt watching Star Trek over and over again, which to be fair was a good movie).

Cheers

The Waco Kid

MADAME FAILURE: Nancy Pelosi sucks at life

2009-05-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

It was nice to see a lady elected speaker of the house in 2006 (congress is SUCH a Sausagefest), but despite her party having both houses since 2006 she seems incapable of accomplishing anything. Yes, until recently, Bush could veto everything in his final two years of lame duckery, but she didn’t even make him veto many bills. He bullied with her with his “don’t waste America’s time with legislation I’ll veto” line, so she just ran the clock out on his presidency. If congress has to wait for a Democratic president to get elected, then it is useless and powerless.

Nancy, it’s your job to find ways to assert congress’s authority as a co-equal branch of government (or at least pretend congress has power). The word we use for people who can’t do their job is FAILURE!

Now, Pelosi is caught in this C.I.A scandal. Basically, the story is…well, I forget, it’s stupid and I’m tired of hearing about it. The point is, I don’t think she did anything wrong, I think she’s just an idiot. Frankly, the Democrats should hope that she gets censured and has to step down as Speaker, and then hope that her replacement sucks less.

THIS JUST IN: Mike Huckabee (R-Fox News) has written a poem about Nancy Pelosi called “Fancy Nancy,” about how much she sucks. Excerpt:

She sat in briefings and knew about enhanced interrogation
But claims she wasn't there, and can't give an explanation.
She disparages the CIA and says they are a bunch of liars
Even the press aren't buying it and they're stoking their fires.

Well I wrote a poem for Mike Huckbee

Rose are red
Violets are blue
I suck at poetry
But I’m better than you

Anyways…

LESSON TO BE LEARNED: Stop putting people from the most liberal parts of the nation in party leadership roles. They don’t know how to do anything. To get elected in San Francisco by a bunch of hippies, Nancy Pelosi doesn’t have to do shit. Most of the San Francisco electorate is stoned during any election. They all show up and pull the lever for the “D” candidate (hoping it stands for “DIME BAG,” but they always accept the outcome later).

Similarly, John Kerry was awful at campaigning because he came from Massachusetts, where nobody cares how liberal you are or asks you tough questions. This is the state where Republican Mitt Romney said he was a stronger supporter of gay rights than Ted Kennedy. According to a PMW/Daily Planet poll, when asked their stance on gay rights, Bostonians answered:

8%: I stand proudly for homosexual rights

5%: I’m watching Glenn Beck, don’t bother me.

87%: I’m watchin’ the Sox. Piss off!

But, I can hear you asking, what about Barack Obama? He comes from Chicago, as blue as San Francisco or Massachusetts. Excellent question. Obama defied logic here for many reasons. First, he has magical powers, or at least we hope he does. Face it, as the economy goes deeper and deeper into the shitter, you’re hopin’ like hell that he’s the Messiah (Make it stop, Lord, please!).

Second, having lived in Chicago (aka the Most Corrupt Place Ever), let me tell you: Politics is not dominated by Democrats or Liberals or Hippies or Commies. It’s dominated by Corruption. Mayor Daley built a corrupt empire, then mentored Rod Blagojevich, now an infamous example of the Windy City (which is actually named for its politicians’ hot air, although the wind will also knock you on your ass from time to time).

Finally, Obama grew up on the South Side of Chicago. If you can survive that, you can do anything. I used to think a black man getting elected president would be very difficult, but having lived on the South Side, I realize the hardest day as president will be a piece of cake for Obama. No matter what happens, he has secret service. On the South Side, you can be shot in the face at any moment (skipping obvious Dick Cheney joke). This is like an easy retirement for Barack, and I say he deserves it. He should be able to get a lot done as president, as long as the bumbling Speaker of the House stays out of his way!

ADMIN UPDATE: First 100 Days

2009-04-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

This is the make or break time for Obama. The success of his entire presidency has been realized in these first 100 days. FDR, Reagan, all of the successful presidents wrapped things up during this time. To see how he’s doing during this crucial time, this new PMW poll measures public approval of Obama.

He has secured his place as a great president: 5%

It’s really early, but he’s done fine so far I guess: 70%

He’s destroying the country/I’m watching Glenn Beck: 12%

I can’t comment, I’m eating a tofu scramble: 5%

I can’t comment, I’m at a Ron Paul convention: 3%

LOL, everyone is talking about tea bagging: 5%

Thanks for reading, everyone. The PMW Staff is busy with their day jobs (or looking for day jobs), so you may hear less and less from us. Unless, of course, things get really bad, because unemployed people always have time to blog!!! Good luck to you all. Hopefully the next 100 days are better for everyone than the last 100 days.

Cheers

PMW Staff

GAYS ROB SOME CALI CHICK OF CROWN!

2009-04-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, has complained that she came in #2 and not #1 in the Miss USA pageant because when pageant judge Perez Hilton (Gay-FL) asked her if she thought gays should be able to marry, she said no. She now feels that political correctness (well-known enemy of PMW) has robbed her of her crown. And by the transitive property, gay people have robbed her of that crown. But she says she feels like a winner (and that is totally not a lame thing to say). So why does she deserve this? Let me count the ways. Now I didn’t watch the pageant, because…pageants are dumb, but here goes…

1. It is a beauty pageant. Did it never occur to you that, at an event so fabulous, gay people might be there? Yes, I know, you talk to men, and they usually don’t listen. Fair point. But the gay people, I’m guessing, were listening. Just a hunch. I’m not going to perpetuate the beauty queen stereotype by calling you stupid, but you are pretty much doing the work for me.
2. What the hell kind of name is Prejean? (Kind of sounds like Prejudge). How do you even say that? Is that French? Oh, I’m sorry, am I being intolerant? How insensitive of me.
3. "I see where he was coming from and I see the audience would've wanted me to be more politically correct, but I was raised in a way that you can never compromise your beliefs and your opinions for anything." Actually, that’s respectable and honorable. You should always stand up for what you believe. Moreover, you’re fighting for what you believe is right, showing virtue and devotion that would make Rod Blagojevich proud. You keep fighting the good fight and one day you’ll be able to say you delayed the acceptance of gays a little longer. I know it’s hard only being considered the second most beautiful girl in America, but hang in there, kiddo, you’ll be fine. And when you get divorced in...probably 5-10 years, you can try to blame the gays for that, too.

Walker Texas President???

2009-04-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

On March 9, 2009, Chuck Norris blogged

“On Glenn Beck's radio show last week, I quipped in response to our wayward federal government, ‘I may run for president of Texas.’

That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.

From the East Coast to the "Left Coast," America seems to be moving further and further from its founders' vision and government.”

I sincerely hope this speech was intended for the Bush administration, but somehow got delayed. Norris proceeds to quote the founding fathers in attempts to paint Obama’s stimulus plan and then hints that a second American revolution should be considered.

“I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it. As most know, Texas was its own country before it joined the Union as its 28th state. From 1836 to 1846, Texas was its own Republic.”

This is a serious problem. Chuck Norris, as everyone knows, is a black belt. He’s Walker Texas Ranger! That wasn’t trick photography. He’s a badass. He kicks people’s asses just for fun. You can’t mess with this man. He could certainly kick my ass.

To stop Obama from turning America into a defenseless Commie Share Camp, Chuck Norris will command an entire army and they will rise against the forces of…bailouts or taxes or something. They’re all buying guns, too, at record rates. They think Obama will ban all guns, apparently. Norris and his army will start a revolution and he will take back his country. NO ONE CAN STOP THIS MAN! NOT A SINGLE HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET! Except…

This man is our only hope. We’ll have to pardon him from his torture charges (isn’t that what’s happening on the show? After years of awesomeness, I finally lost interest). The scary part is the way this has already occurred in internet lore. I thought those Jack Bauer vs. Chuck Norris webpages were just hilarious nonsense. Apparently, they predicted the next great battle of our time. It will not be Obama v. Palin or Santelli v. Stewart or Wolverine v. Sabertooth, NO!

Get me Jack Bauer! Get his ass over here, now. It’s time to plan for war. One American hero against another. But give him a ride, please, just in case. The man has a drinking problem and he doesn’t need a third strike on his record.

The Waco Kid v. Motley Fool v. Jon Stewart v. Jim Cramer

2009-03-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

The interwebs are buzzing with different takes on the Jon Stewart-Jim Cramer Cable TV Smackdown. Legendary MSM basher Eric Alterman argues that Jon Stewart (single-handed killer of Crossfire) and Steven Colbert (White House Correspondents Dinner) are two of the most influential and important figures in political media, and this makes a third victory for the forces of reason over the idiocy of the MSM.

“Stewart and Colbert have done yeoman work for the rest of us by exposing the thoughtlessness of the punditocracy's perpetual-motion machine, which spins itself silly powered only by hot air.”

Tim Hanson at financial blog Motley Fool dismisses the interview as amateur hackery and accuses Stewart of insinuating that long-term investing doesn't work. He continues:

“Rather than be angry, let's recognize that the stock market, like most human endeavors, is flawed. There will be disasters and blow-ups from time to time, just as there will be bubbles. Let's use this as an opportunity to educate more Americans about how to take control of their finances and ignore the market's manic day-to-day movements. The solution is not to scare Americans into thinking the stock market is some Ponzi scheme controlled by immoral cretins that can never work for them.”

Money issues are not my area of expertise, but I did watch the interview twice, so here goes.

In no way did Jon Stewart say long-term investing does not work. No sane person would say that. He basically said just what the author says: "let's recognize that the stock market, like most human endeavors, is flawed." Stewart also said, "If it's too good to be true, it probably is." Stewart was mostly talking about the financial schemes where they tell you you'll get rich quick, not long term investing. They were talking about his mother who is 75, so there's not much long-term investing there.

Stewart is angry, and the author is right that anger is counterproductive, but a lot of Cramer's comments made it really sound like people behind the scenes knew this stuff was risky and passed it off as easy money, which would obviously make people angry, whether you think it's their own fault or not. Jon Stewart's original argument, that he harped on all week before the interview, was that Santelli is a fucking idiot (which the author admits) and that CNBC "is not good at hard-hitting reporting" (which the author admits).

At a certain point, it's true that it's counterproductive for Stewart to be overly pessimistic about the market. The difference is Jon Stewart is just a comedian and more people care about what CNBC says about the market. So I think it's totally unfair to say Stewart is "scaring Americans into thinking the stock market is some Ponzi scheme," especially when he's having less affect than CNBC. It's also unfair to scold Stewart for being overly pessimistic while giving CNBC a pass for being overly optimistic, especially when way more people care what CNBC says about the market.

Ultimately, this was all for show. Cramer is just an entertainer too, and the whole thing was about ratings. I think it was more substantive than most news only because so much of the news focuses on gossip and stories like "Obama disparaged the Special Olympics" or "John McCain misspoke today." So, it's fair to say Stewart got too angry. But his main argument was the CNBC was giving bad advice, has silly promos like "In Cramer We Trust," and Santelli sounded like an idiot. It's fair to say the argument was trivial, but I disagree that it was counterproductive.

Finally, he was really hard on Cramer, and this recession is not Cramer’s fault, but Stewart did make it clear multiple times that Cramer is kind of a scapegoat and this “feud” between them was manufactured by the media.

IT’S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD

2009-03-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

The headline is not a reference to Mad Money or its host, Jim Cramer, who is currently recovering from John Stewart’s righteous-but-justified-pummeling of him last week. It is more a reference to the fact that we are in a Repression and everyone’s yelling and no one seems to have a single valuable idea that I’ve heard. (aside from the PMW Staff and sometimes John Stewart. Murdock, time to post your ideas for tax reform!) No one else seems to have anything important to say, but everyone keeps talking.

HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY? What is the world coming to when the most reasonable person in the public debate is GEORGE W. BUSH???

Slate’s Dhalia Lithwick explains the stupidity of Meghan McCain and Ann Coulter’s political catfight. Political discourse becomes a Coors Lite commercial! (Can we AT LEAST replace Ann Coulter with Sarah Palin? Much hotter!).

Meanwhile Michael Steele called out Rush Limbaugh, then apologized. WTF? Are the Republicans even trying? Have they given up? Grab some Libertarian economists. Bring out Mike Huckabee with a Republican-who-actually-gives-a-shit-about-working-people plan. DO SOMETHING! Jeez...

So far, the best they’ve come up with is Rep. Connie Mack, from the anti-bailout wing of the GOP. He is demanding that Geithner resign or Obama fire him (and his colleage Chuck Grassley wants AIG execs to either resign or kill themselves!!!) Seriously? Geithner was confirmed less than two months ago! Did you think he would turn things around in two months? Is it his fault that Asshole International Group wasted the bailout the money on wild parties and bonuses? Geithner hasn’t been impressive, but he’s pretty much done what you'd expect someone to do in the first two months of a four year job: NOT MUCH. Frankly, he has not done enough for anyone to assess his job performance in any way.

There’s a reason Obama has consistently had a 60% or so approval rating. It’s not because 60% of America is liberal. It’s because it’s too early to say. For all the crap I give the American public, they are actually smart enough to know that no one really knows anything at this point. All I know is the Democrats are in power, the public is being both smart and fair and Republican political strategy is a hopelessly failure. What’s the world coming to?

ADMIN UPDATE: Sham-less Self-Promotion

2009-03-15T23:56:00.000-07:00

Greetings PMW Nation

Things have been a little crazy over here. Our bailout from ShamWOW fell through. I guess you should not trust a product that has the word SHAM in it. The Waco Kid has fallen off the face of the Earth, apparently mired in academic tribulations. We have received word that Goofers has been away on business much of the time, and is so busy that he has barely had time to attend to his vast gun collection. He hopes to make his umpteenth comeback before too long (kudos to anyone who knows the word umpteenth).

We want to recognize the great work of Lance Murdock, who has helped us keep up our posting rate. Also, special thanks to Resident Mathematician Nick for catching our epic math mistake (so many zeroes to keep track of with the stimulus!). The Waco Kid is hanging his head in shame as both his hope of Howard Dean and prediction of Bill Bradley for HHS failed. Turns out Gov. Kathleen Sebelius (D-Obama VP Short List/Kansas) will have that job. Finally, Waco and Murdock have concluded their Blago coverage. There may be a concluding post, but Blago's simply a train wreck and there’s little else to say.

Thanks to all our great readers. Also, thanks to LeVar and Friends in the comment section. You guys are great. As always, send us your guest posts. Even funny pictures or anything. This is a community process, we share everything but the profits! (Still none yet).

One more thing, anyone who has not seen Jon Stewart’s week of tearing CNBC a new one, and his climactic interview with Jim Cramer (who was a humble and fair in the role of Wall Street and CNBC’s fall guy), find it on the interwebs and watch it out now! YouTube or comedycentral.com surely has it.

Cheers for Beers

PMW Staff

And the Walls Came Tumbling Down

2009-02-26T09:14:00.000-08:00

History is about to be made. Unfortunately, (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) it is not being done here. Rumors are starting to circulate that William Shatner, yes William Shatner (Captain Kirk himself) is eyeing the top spot in Canada's Government, Prime Minister. A few weeks ago he declined the role of Governor General because he thought he would be more effective in the role of Prime Minister. This is one of those rare cases where the sheer beauty of the world we live in gets thrust into reality and thus becomes a better place.

Prime Minister's Log, Supplemental: The mounties... Began ... to rebel against the orders... I gave. Must... Call in the national guard. Red Alert, eh. The Montana ... hunters ... are approaching the border... Can't ... Quite ... Give the order ... for the retreat ... of the mounties and get them oooot, eh.

Price Line Negotiator: Have you ever wanted a discount on your taxes? Are you tired of national healthcare? PRICE LINE NEGOTIATOR: Ask for 10% off your taxes. Most countries charge a fortune for these services. Canada shops the lowest possible rates so you don't have to and passes on the savings to you the people.

On behalf of all of us, I would like to express my sincere hope and desire that this comes to pass. It would become open season for news outlets who need a new filler to focus on now that Bush is gone. Remember that if this comes to pass, you saw it here first... Unless you happened to read this article. That is all.

-Lance Murdock

Repression: An Economic Brunch

2009-02-23T21:23:00.000-08:00

It’s not quite Recession, not quite Depression. We’re in a Repression, an economic brunch. Hear that? We’re going out to brunch! What a wonderful thing for Obama to include in the stimulus package (I’ve had brunch down the street from Obama’s house in Hyde Park!)

A Repression sounds like being in denial and we’re all in denial about the economy anyway. Congressional Democrats were putting things like CONDOMS in the bill, which are good, but not related to the stimulus (of the economy…). Congressional Republicans are blocking the plan without really having a better plan and clearly are in denial about losing more seats in 2010.

Obama is in denial about the fact that his friend/enforcer/chief of staff, Rahm Emmanuel, has failed to provide him with adequate vetting services, or anything worthwhile. Can we just have Rahmbo go on TV and cuss out Bill O’Reilly? That’d be more fun. Per the Fairness Doctrine, he can cuss out Keith Olbermann too. Finally, we all know Blago’s in denial, even as his appointee, Sen. Burris, is being asked to resign.

ERIC HOLDER IS RIGHT! He wins the Cajones Awards. In the tradition of Joe Biden, he bucks the Democratic trend of pussyfooting around the issues. He was also awarded the No Bias No Bull Award by Anchorhottie Campbell Brown.

Just because we elected Obama doesn’t mean we’ve solved all race problems. He didn’t say white people HATE black people, or even that they don’t RESPECT black people. He said they don’t talk about race and they don’t mix with black people. That seems reasonable (and largely very true!)

Conservatives bashed liberals and black people for supporting Obama just cuz he was black, since race shouldn’t matter, and now they’re saying electing him was a historic event of racial reconciliation, which now means race shouldn’t matter. See the pattern? No matter what happens, the Republicans try to avoid talking about race. What’s a word for some who always avoids stuff? Oh yeah...coward!

In fairness, New York Times columnist Charles M. Blow is right as usual. (another decent journalist infiltrated the MSM!) “Cowards” is kind of harsh and divisive, if true.

PMW contacted both Black Republicans regarding Holder’s comments and neither was available for comment.

Admin Update 2009: Recession hits PMW

2009-02-14T13:05:00.001-08:00

Greetings PMW Nation!

Time are tough, but now they are really hitting PMW hard. Already running on a shoestring budget, we have struggled to operate with a volunteer workforce. We have tried to recruit more people, but Goofers and Waco have been getting busier and busier. Our Editor Emeritus Viceroy Fizzlebottom has been M.I.A. for months. Despite the fine work of our new editor, Murdock, and a good post by our friend Nick, it looks like we're not gonna make it.

We needed a bailout. We asked Obama for a favor and, once again, he turned us down. Neither Goofers' nor Waco's endorsement meant anything to him! Luckily a more prosperous business has offered to buy us out. Everything here will operate as before, but our new corporate ownership will take on any and all profits from this website (suckers!) From this point forward, we shall be officially known as ShamWow!®-Political Mouthwash.

ShamWOW!®-Political Mouthwash! Works against Democrats AND Republicans.

Easily removes political correctness
Absorbs all bullshit
WILL scratch the surface of any issue (unlike the Mainstream Media)
Lasts ten years (hey, we can last as long as a stupid towel)

RATED #1 by Blog Commenter LeVar Burton! GUARANTEED to distract you at work OR YOUR MONEY BACK. Sorry, creepy guy with headset NOT included.

ShamWOW!®-Political Mouthwash: You’ll Say WOW, that was hilarious AND insightful EVERYTIME!

Thanks always to all our readers!

PMW Staff

GUEST POST: Total Shortfall

2009-02-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

A $42 BILLION DEFICIT BROUGHT THEM TOGETHER. NOW THEY WILL HAVE THEIR REVENGE!

Governor Schwarzenegger (R-Hollywood) slashes the state’s budget for state parks and other government programs to make up for the state’s growing debt. It seems like a good move, but it will come back to burn him.

Pretty soon they're gonna cut forest firefighting equipment out of the budget and they won't be able to afford to import any more water and the whole state will be engulfed in flames. The rich Hollywoodites will be donating $10 a bottle VOSS water to the cause, but it'll be no use as the firefighters will have already been laid off.

Arnold will set off to try and arm-wrestle the fire for control of the state, but will only end up army rolling out of his Hummer when he drives it off an enormous washout on the 1, sending the car flying off the cliff and into the ocean.

Mel Gibson will walk over from his heavily modified 1973 Mustang in a leather jacket asking for gas. They'll look across the washout to see their best friend Billy Baldwin setting up a ramp to jump over to them. When he tries to get back into his car he'll be complaining about the door handle being too hot to touch, and despite his friends' cries of protest, Billy will decide to kick in the window so that he can attempt to jump the washout.

But when he does he's hit with a huge backdraft exploding outward catching his leg and shirt on fire. Frantically Billy tries the drop and roll strategy forgetting where he is and rolls right off the cliff. Arnold will let out a guttural scream, tear off his shirt and grab the nearest claymore while Mel will quietly brood and grab the nearest sawed off shotgun. The pair will embark into the depths of the forest fire on a revenge story for the ages.

-Nick

Math: The Solution to the Stimulus

2009-02-11T12:26:00.000-08:00

I am the first to admit that math is not the first place I generally look for solutions to pretty much anything let alone giant economic boondoggles. When you start actually adding stuff my eyes get glossy and I just see Barney (the purple dinosaur) singing 2+2=4 over and over again. However, it is very hard to refute basic math.

Currently Congress is debating whether or not to pass an 800 Billion dollar stimulus package. Just to be clear that is the following number:

$800,000,000,000

Currently there are roughly 280 million people in the United States. That is the following number:

280,000,000

Now, unless I have the disease called Inacalculium (the inability to perform arithmetic functions) and my calculator is broken (must be from China), we have the ability to give the following amount of money DIRECTLY to each person living in the United States:

800,000,000,000 / 280,000,000 = $2,857,142

That is not a typo. Each of us could simply be given a check for $2,857,142 and we could all retire to Yemen. All this being said, I have a very simple question. Raise your hand if you don't want a check for that amount? Do we think poor people would be less poor if they had that kind of money? Do we think the bank bailout would be necessary? We certainly wouldn't have to worry about unfreezing the credit markets.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand that this is all with money we don't have etc and inflation would be insane etc. But why not give everyone making less then a certain amount a very small fraction of that, say $50k? That would certainly cause relief. In most people's cases, it would be an enormous relief and cost us a mere ten billion ($10,000,000,000) assuming only 200,000,000(or almost 2/3) people would need or qualify for $50,000. I am not suggesting we just hand people that money at once but even over five years or so it is still an enormous amount of money for most people. Furthermore, it would only be a tiny fraction of the proposed stimulus bill. Can you imagine how many people would use that money to save their homes? Buy an American car? Buy STUFF which is the main reason for the recession, depression, sadression, stupidession, douche bagession, well you get the ideassion, in the first place?

I never thought I would see the day where our problems could actually be solved with simple math. You will notice below that one of Blaygo's future jobs was not mathematician. I guess we now know why. That is all.

-Lance Murdock

***UPDATE: Thanks to PMW guest poster and Resident Mathematician, Nick, for pointing out this math is wrong ($2,000/person not $2 million). But the joke's on you, Nick. This isn't a math blog. This is AMERICA, you math nazi biatch! Main point still stands. This is lots of money. How are we spending it?

***UPDATE: LANCE MURDOCK OFFICIALLY APOLOGIZES FOR THE INACCURACY OF THIS POST AND DUE TO HIS COMMITMENT TO JOURNALISTIC EXCELLENCE, WELL OK, JOURNALISTIC MEDIOCRITY, WILL HEREBY PROMIS TO WORK NIGHTS TO LEARN BASIC ARITHMETIC. IF YOU HAVE ANY SELF HELP GUIDES OR PERHAPS A SECOND GRADE MATH TEXTBOOK, PLEASE MAIL THEM TO NICK. THAT IS ALL.

MICHAEL PHELPS: National Disgrace

2009-02-04T20:00:00.000-08:00

While the nation grapples with a serious recession, apparently gold medal-winner and former national hero, Michael Fred Phelps (this time I’m using a real middle name!) is squandering his riches on illegal drugs. As a country goes hungry, desperate for a chicken in every pot, apparently the Michael Phelps solution is some pot in every pot. This is serious. We need to strip him of his medals. The International Olympic Committee strictly forbids athletes from smoking marijuana as it clearly enhances their ability to perform (apparently the IOC smokes a lot of weed too!).

I submit the comment section of this post as a petition to strip Phelps of all his medals (and nothing else, ladies, don’t get confused!) as well as a space for PMW Nation to express their outrage at his use of an illicit drug. My only hope is that we influence him to quit before he overdoses.

In case Mr. Phelps reads this, the ideas expressed here are solely those of The Waco Kid (I-Blogosphere) and are not necessarily the views of Political Mouthwash or the PMW Staff. Also, if you have any weed or know where to find it, please contact Goofers McWaxalot, Lance Murdock, and/or Viceroy Fizzlebottom.

DASCHLE HASSLE

2009-02-03T20:34:00.000-08:00

Before we begin, BLAGO UPDATE!
Still an idiot! Still bat-shit insane! Still fighting. Still going down in flames. And he's clinging to his Bible.

Now, to our main story. A huge disappointment this week (No, not the Sixburgh Steelers winning the Super Bowl…again). Thomas Augustus Daschle was Obama’s Health and Human Services nominee, but he has decided to withdraw (even though science has proven this technique ineffective, and as Obama’s Health guy, he should know that!). Apparently, Democrats don’t know how to pay taxes. I really thought Obama would prove Will Rogers wrong, but I guess they’re not an organized political party after all.

So, now we need a replacement. I don’t have any suggestions, but I will say this.

BYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

But Rahmbo doesn’t like him, so probably Bill Bradley. He…plays basketball, so he’s healthy? If either one is picked, I will gloat about my powers of prediction.

Blago to the Future

2009-02-02T11:38:00.000-08:00

To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield. These were the words that our boy Blago quoted on his final press conference as IL's Governor. Perhaps what he should have said was "To seek, to strive, to find... a new job." So you may be asking yourself, what is Blago possibly going to do now that he has found himself unemployed? I am glad you asked. Here is a list of careers which he is now considering:

1. Game Show Host: Win Shit with Blago! Blago hosts a show where you have to try to buy various items from him and he gets to say lines like this: "This car is a fucking valuable thing, I am not going to give it away for fucking nothing."

2. New Host of American Idol: "Thank you contestant number four hundred thousand, twenty six but your hair just isn't cutting it for me. If you can put me on the board of directors for your company and get a job for my wife then I will think of letting you through to Hollywood."

3. Poet Laureate Rod: In his famous interview with Campbell Brown (please refer to list of hot news woman mentioned below), he said the following which make him well qualified for this post: "Well, here, let me set the record straight. I don't know a lot of poetry. There's a couple of poems I learned ever since I was a little kid..."

4. President of Emily's List: People talk rough. "If I had known there were ladies listening, I never would have talked like that."

5. Supreme Court Justice: "The constitution is fundamental that everyone has a right to contest false accusations and to confront accusers and they're simply denying these outright, but it's bigger then me and that's why I am taking to a national audience."

6. Civil Rights Activist: "I thought about my wife I was leaving behind and I tried to find some inspiration from historical figures who had similar experiences because that gives you inspiration and I thought of Mandela and Gandhi..." "I am not comparing myself to Dr. King but he had a saying 'In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

7. Director of the FBI: "I want to have every taped conversation of the wiretapped phone involved, heard in the process. I am in many ways the anti-Richard Nixon, who worked very hard in Watergate to keep those tapes from being heard."

8. Prophet: "This is about the office of the governor, and if they're successful, which I suspect they will be, with these rules and removing me from office, then it's going to be difficult for my successors and any other government in future impeachments to be in a position where they can properly defend themselves, because this is the precedent that's being set on the removal of an officer elected by the people by a legislative branch that's not elected by all the people." He foresaw his own fate...

To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield. Well he certainly got the last part right. That is all.

-Lance Murdock

EXAGGERATION THEATRE: The Blago Trial

2009-01-27T18:10:00.000-08:00

The following is the (SLIGHTLY) exaggerated reenactment of Day One of the Impeachment Hearings of Governor Milorad Rutherford Blagojevich (D-Most Corrupt Place Ever).

[Cue up Law & Order theme now…actually the People’s Court theme would be even better, you choose]

BACKGROUND
Rod R. Blagojevich, D-MCPE (hereafter Blago) was a devoted public servant for 17 years until the evil establishment forces of Washington D.C. decided to bring him down. He started his career as Assistant Illinois State Attorney under the tutelage of mayor-to-be Richard M. Daley (who apparently taught him corruption but not discretion). He then got elected to Illinois congress (because his opponent pled guilty to mail fraud) campaigning as a crime fighter (a slam dunk in this town). In 2002, he expressed publicly his love for his country and devotion to fighting terrorism (by voting for the invasion of an unrelated country). He soon was elected governor of Illinois, with the help of Barack Obama and Rahm Emmanuel, who praised him as the most trustworthy politician in Illinois and stated that he inspired them to start Obama’s presidential run. (so they could get the hell out of Chicago politics)

Sadly, Blago was plagued by several trumped up “scandals” (and his own corruption charges Wikipedia entry!). Despite his 56% disapproval rating, he was still able to defeat a Republican challenger (LOL). He is being charged with demanding bribes from people in exchange for Obama’s Senate seat (and using foul language in a wiretapped conversation).

Despite these charges, he went ahead and nominated a replacement anyway, outraging the Senate. It seemed like getting his nominee confirmed would be impossible, but he brilliantly remembered that old rule of political appointments: If you nominate a black man to replace a black man, it always works no matter what (The Clarence Thomas Principle).

DAY ONE
So began the trial, Monday morning. It was the battle of Blago’s life, and he knew how to fight it. Taking a page from the Martin Luther King playbook, Blago boycotted the unjust court of Crusading Prosecutor Patrick Johannes Fitzgerald. Not only that, he went to the fairer courthouse of Daytime TV, where he gave rousing speeches comparing himself to great historical figures.

“Following in the footsteps of Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ, Mohandas Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr, I will fight this injustice to the bitter end. I'm not above doing anything to restore your faith if I can. Some people see through the eyes of the old before they ever get a look at the young. I'm only willing to hear you cry because I am an innocent man. And I almost appointed Oprah to the Senate.”

[Cue inspirational theme music for Blago]

Will the Illinois congress vote to impeach Blagojevich?

Will Blago be forced to attend the proceedings?

Will justice reign supreme?

Will Oprah hold a grudge?

Tune in next time on Exaggeration Theatre.

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN? Obama taps Doc Brown

2009-01-15T14:04:00.001-08:00

As Barack Obama takes office, he realizes the challenges we face and the consequences of failure. However, he is unsure what to do, having only 4, or maybe 8, years to lead the country. If only he had more time! Then he realizes his only option.

He calls up Doc Brown and orders him to build him a time machine. Soon, they travel into the future to survey the extent of the recession. There, they open up the newspaper (an industry that inexplicably survives the recession) to find that our fine country is totally in shambles. As they read it, they are in utter shock.

Employment is incredibly low, inflation is incredibly high, and there is no hope. They learn that hope apparently died in the past when President Obama drove away in a DeLorean with a strange scientist and they were never seen again.

At that point, Joe Biden assumed the presidency and that was a disaster. In his inaugural address, Biden told the country, “Well I’ve looked at the numbers. We’re completely screwed.” At that point, the stock market plummeted and never recovered.

“We must do something,” Obama tells Doc Brown. So they travel back in time to 2009. Obama tells his story to congress and they agree to pass whatever legislation he wants. America gets a stimulus package and it eventually helps the economy recover. They also pass laws requiring that all workers get a special basketball break for every 8-hour shift and all White Sox games are televised nationally on a major network. Obama and Doc Brown pull out their papers just in time to see the headlines change...

PMW NEWS FLASH: Hippie Liberal Whiners

2009-01-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

First of all, it's time to discuss a word: Recession. Don't let it overwhelm you. Sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down! Let's do that, shall we? Recess-ion: Think of it as recess. You get a break from work (could be a long one!). That bully that burned you in the past is gone, but you know he’s coming back one day (high gas prices?). And if we hit a Depression, think of it as…just being depressed? Bread lines are a great place to meet people...

Also, last week was the ex-president luncheon. It was funny to see them all together with Obama, who’s riding high from his recent election and high approval ratings. Clinton was a successful president, sort of. He at least got reelected. Now, Carter and Bush…did not, so they’re clearly failures as presidents. Could you be any more of a failure than that? Oh, look, it’s W!

Finally, to our main story. I want to talk about a hippie liberal whiner. This woman blames the struggles in her life on other people, rather than accepting responsibility for her standing in life. She is complaining that the media is sexist (even well after elections) and feels that she was held back based on her gender. Who is this radical feminist?

Yes, she’s STILL complaining about sexism in the media ruining the election for her as the Right attempts to recruit her for a 2012 run. I guess she must be a feminist infiltrating the Right and trying to get them to care about sexism. Still, I would not expect this from an Alaskan pioneer Maverick Republican such as herself. What happened to the party of “too bad,” “tough shit,” and “stop whining.” Can we please get Schwarzenegger to tell her to shut up? Just sayin'.

Admin Update 09: Washiversary

2009-01-10T00:46:00.001-08:00

Greeting PMW Readers

Happy New Year! And more importantly, Happy Washiversary. We have been sucking less than the mainstream media for an entire year now. We are very proud to be a nonsense comedy site that still manages to provide somewhat legit news to our faithful, totally awesome readers.

What lies ahead is uncertain. We are trying to expand (for the 20th time, FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT GUEST POSTS) and trying to just find time to write. Waco and Goofers are both incredibly busy. But we appreciate those checking our site regularly (or leaving that to the RSS feed).

We appreciate your support as the nation navigates through these tough times (we may have to wait to sell merchandise till AFTER the recession). We also have Waco covering the Blago scandal in Chicago (impeachment! One step closer to jail, where he can actually meet other former IL governors!)

Happy New Year and Happy Inauguration to our candidate, Obama. Hopefully, he can smoothly guide the clowns running congress.

Cheers

PMW Staff

Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays: Battle to the Death

2008-12-20T17:47:00.000-08:00

First of all, I must point out how weird Christmas is as a “religious” holiday, as Laura Miller points out. It’s kind of ubiquitous in America, because of both our Christian majority and the fact that even some atheists celebrate it, so it’s a strange issue. Also, in the interests of full disclosure, I celebrate Christmas, so maybe I’m biased, but whatever. There is a battle raging between the PC Left and the Traditionalist Right about how to appropriately wish people well during, uh, these upcoming days of December. There are two schools of thought on the issue:

MERRY CHRISTMAS: Some people may view this phrase as politically incorrect, but it’s one of the nicest phrases in the English language. Even if you are not celebrating on December 25th, I still hope your day is…merry. What’s wrong with that? I can’t say Happy Holidays with a straight face. A faceless corporation can wish a multi-cultural audience Happy Holidays, but from one individual to another, it feels like an empty slogan. Also, even if you want to be PC, call a spade a spade. Anyone putting up Christmas trees, etc. and calling them “Holiday Trees” is just dumb and that simply insults people on both sides of the debate.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS: On the other hand, there is no War on Christmas (sorry, Bill O’Reilly). It’s more like a forgettable skirmish that doesn’t deserve news coverage, despite what Christmas activists may tell you. And they need to shut up, because, seriously, the only thing worse than hearing a group whine about something is hearing a majority group whine about something. Christianity is the dominant religion in this country. Can’t Christmas activists be satisfied with that? Come on! Furthermore, while I personally do not wish people Happy Holidays (unless I know they prefer that phrase), referring to Christmas and New Years as “the holidays” is perfectly reasonable, since…you know, when you have one holiday plus one more holiday, you have (drum roll please)…HOLIDAYS. This bothers many of the anti-PC right wingers, but it’s their fault all the PC-niks came out of the woodwork in the first place.

VERDICT: IT DOESN’T MATTER! You say potato, I say potato. (Wow, not only does that joke not work in print, but I initially typed “potatoe,” after years of mocking Dan Quayle). So I wish the PMW Nation Merry Holidays, Christmas and otherwise. I hope you enjoy yourselves and avoid this pointless, Yule-tide dilemma.

Blago Mistako and the Obama Revolution

2008-12-15T16:06:00.000-08:00

PMW has now developed the ability to predict the future. We can now project that Gov. Rod Blagoya-whatever (D-Most Corrupt Place Ever), will be arrested. To your left, you can see his FBI MUG SHOT. Blago decided to auction off Obama’s vacant Senate seat and he got caught. He will serve time in prison (hopefully).

What an idiot! This is your classic stupid criminal. Mayor Richard M. Daley, (D-Most Corrupt Place Ever) has done so much worse shit, but he’s way too smart to get caught (sadly!). The Dick-tator of Chi-town is probably laughing his off at Blago right now. I don’t know what Blago was thinking. I guess he thought he could hide behind all that hair.

But the corruption won’t stop there. PMW predicts that Obama will set off a terrible Liberal Revolution. The world will descend into a moral cesspool. I can’t describe it conventionally. I can only share it with you in the form of the next book published by A. A. Milne (cliffnotes version):

Winnie the Pooh and The Obama Revolution

NO ROO: First of all, don’t expect to see the cutest member of the Hundred Acre Wood because, in this story, KANGA HAD AN ABORTION! Abortions for everyone under Obama!

POOH AND PIGLET ARE GAY MARRIED: Yes, more like Winnie the Poof. Not that either of them were very butch to begin with, but now both of them are gayin’ up Pooh Corner. Marriages everywhere are falling apart because of their sinful and deeds.

TIGGER IS SOLICITING PROSTITUTION: This always rebellious creature has reached new lows. He’s roaming the Hundred Acre Wood yelling obscene things to the ladies like: “Hey babe, want to join the Hundred Acre Club?” “Once you’ve had Tigger, you’ll never have bigger.” “Check out MY Hundred Acre Wood!” Disgusting! But he never gets busted, because Obama has legalized prostitution.

EEYORE IS ON WELFARE: This donkey lounges lazily outside all day and always complains about how hard his life is. Get a job, you ass! Despite years of Donkey Affirmative Action, he has squandered every opportunity in his life and lives off Obama’s handouts.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN IS A DRUNK: Obama lowers the drinking age to 6 and Christopher Robin hasn’t been sober since.

RABBIT AND OWL ARE MISERABLE: They are the only responsible, morally sound members of the community and everyone takes advantage of them.

THE END

***P.S. Did you see that still-president Bush was attacked by Random Task from the Austin Powers movies?

Happy Thanksgiving from Political Mouthwash!

2008-11-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

Greetings PMW Nation

We're all very tired from covering the election, very busy with our day jobs (or school or whatever it is that we do, be it acting or testing assault weapons), so no posts for awhile, probably through the holidays. But have a great Thanksgiving and eat a lot. And be sure to make this Thanksgiving PORK FREE. Eat turkey with no earmarks. (Wow, I guess I need a break to let my creativity come back to me...)

Cheers

The Waco Kid and PMW Staff

THE HOPE CABINET: What will change mean?

2008-11-18T16:49:00.000-08:00

In the aftermath of the election, the big scoop in the MSM has been (aside from how the GOP will regroup) Obama’s cabinet. Rahm Emmanuel will be his Chief of Staff, which means (in case you don’t watch The West Wing) that he will run the office and just kind of…you know (why don’t you watch The West Wing???). Now, Hillary is getting lots of buzz for Secretary of State (Way to shatter that glass ceiling by becoming a secretary!!!) Obviously, PMW has been critical of Hillary, but this is different. Today, Obama announced Eric Holder will be his Attorney General and this is the direction the country needs to go in. This is the change we need!

We must have a Mustachioed Cabinet.

Eric Holder, Attorney General

Bill Richardson, Secretary of State

David Axelrod, Deputy Chief of Staff

Paul Krugman, Secretary of the Treasury (You’re off probation, buddy. I ain’t mad at ya!)

Hillary, if think you're up to being Secretary of State, you better step up!

***UPDATE

Obama has picked a clean-shaven Secretary of the Treasury, but he has picked Bill Richardson for Commerce (not State). Axelrod was made "Senior Advisor." Hillary accepted an offer for Secretary of State, but photos suggest she did NOT grow a mustache. Oh well...

Mr. Obama’s Neighborhood: Never Go There

2008-11-13T16:35:00.000-08:00

Soon, President-Elect Obama will be moving to Washington D.C. and good for him because Hyde Park is a terrible place. Take it from me, another escapee of Hyde Park, the only thing nicer the scenery is when you get to leave. It’s a weird, stupid place that’s hard get to and even harder to leave. It’s not really a terrible place in and of itself, but it’s kind of boring, it’s far away from any cool neighborhoods and it's surrounded by neighborhoods which are sketchy or worse. Here is a map of Hyde Park showing where the crime spills into it (Waco nearly got mugged just west of Obama's house).

However, what this shows is that President Obama will have serious firsthand experience with poverty and crime and he will hopefully have a better idea of what communities need to rebuild (these areas were actually normal and even vibrant 10 years ago). It’s the Change Hyde Park Residents Need (to survive). So, let’s hope for the best. Few places need help more than the South Side.

Speaking of things which should be left alone, leave Sarah Palin alone! I hate to be the one to defend her, but good Lord! She’s not going to be president for at least four years and probably longer (or never, fingers crossed). Stop bothering her. She lost, she sucked, so who cares now? This is unfair to Sarah, Todd, Crisco, Trek, Snausage, and especially the newest Palin, Maverino.

Admin Update XIII: The Future of PMW

2008-11-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

Greetings PMW Readers

We congratulate Barack Obama on his presidential victory. PMW had supported him since the primaries and Goofers endorsed him in our very first post (although Ron Paul would have made our jobs much easier). Anyway, onto the business of the day. We welcome the triumphant return (it’s for real this time) of our Executive Director and Editor-in-Chief Goofers McWaxalot. He has been plotting and scheming about the future of this fine blog (when he has a free minute). Nothing is set in stone, but I have heard about merchandising, a possible move to www.politicalmouthwash.com, and some level of expansion.

As we speak, our Senior Editor, The Waco Kid, is recruiting new staff members to write for us. Once again, any readers interested should submit guest posts. You may be given a regular job. We can’t pay you (YET), but it’s fun. And when we make it big, you may get paid and you’ll definitely have street cred (if not in the real world, at least here in the tubes.

Already, we have added a new member to the team. We welcome our new Associate Editor, Lance Murdock, to the PMW Staff. We expect he’ll bring lots of wit and wisdom to the table. And of course, thanks to all our awesome readers and commenters.

Cheers

PMW Staff

GUEST POST: The Least Popular Kid in the Class

2008-11-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

Well it is official. The good men and women of America have officially decided that President Bush is the least popular president in the history of recording popularity. His disapproval rating has just topped 70%. To give you some perspective on just how unpopular this is, Richard Nixon after resigning the office of the presidency after Watergate had a disapproval rating of 66%. Harry Truman in January of 52 managed to hold the record for over fifty years at 67%. This means that people dislike Bush more then they were pissed about Vietnam in the 60’s, Hoover in the Great Depression, and again Nixon after he said that he STOLE the taxpayers money and lied to get into office.

There is an old saying that no one likes the smartest kid in the class. At least the smart kid is smart enough not to become the least popular kid in the class. While I am not ready to declare that the era of stupid politicians is over, I take some small amount of solace in the fact that we are getting there. The American people are weighing in that they want someone who knows that Africa is a continent and not a country in office. They want someone can bring respect back to the presidency. They want the office to mean something not just to them but to the rest of the world as well. They want to open the newspaper or watch The Daily Show and not see the leader of the free world dancing around like a buffoon or struggling to get through a complete sentence. They are sick of the president opening his mouth to reassure the American people that the economy is strong and then seeing the Dow drop hundreds of points. But mostly, they are just sick of believing that the government is unable to do anything at all to affect their lives for the better.

For the first time since WWII, people are saying that they actually want bigger government and believe that the government should help them with their lives. Well to those people I say this: “Help is on the way.” Obama has already inspired millions of people here and billions around the world that help is coming soon to a country near you January 20th. No longer do we have to live with the fear and frustration that our government can only be used as an instrument of apathy and talk. Action is not far behind and action converts hope into success. I look forward to the day where I can write a post saying that President Obama has broken the record for having the highest approval rating in history. In the meantime, I will take pleasure in the hope I have for this country and the world in times to come.

That is all.

-Lance Murdock

MSM’s ELECTION COVERAGE

2008-11-06T15:44:00.000-08:00

For starters, I got to cover the election from Grant Park in Chicago for PMW, so that was pretty amazing. Due to a lack of merit-based ticketing, major networks had front row access, while I got to watch from afar on the Jumbo-Tron. I watched CNN’s coverage before and after, because the other networks were pretty much in the tank for their candidates. Here’s my report card.

HIGH POINTS

Roland Martin
Three cheers for his emotional speech on racial reconciliation and his assertion that allies of people of color should share the feeling of triumph. Classy work from one of the few rising stars of the MSM.

Campbell Brown and John King
John King reports news! It’s astonishing. He has no business on a major news network. There was no nonsense, no celebrity references. He was explaining important information! Wow! He had his “magic wall.” (CNN’s words, not mine, wtf Anderson Cooper?) And Campbell? Uh, she’s just hot and actually smart, too, making her more hot.

Low Points
Paul Begala

He continues to benefit from sitting next people to more lame than he is, thus preventing anyone from realizing how lame he is. Along with Alex Castellanos and Bill Bennett, he was less annoying than usual, but still contributed little.

CNN LOLograms
Help me, Wolf Blitzer, you’re my only hope. These were very cool for the first 30 seconds, but quickly proved to serve no purpose. Yet another technological gimmick from CNN. But No Bias No Bull correspondents appearing “via hologram” (lol?) is not as scary as what is to come. One day we’ll be voting for holograms. Our presidents will be phony, empty projections of some special interest. That would be scary.

In closing, I salute John McCain for a classy concession speech. Way to salvage some of your dignity, sir. You lost most of it in your complex political battle with W, but I can sense there’s still good in you. PMW calls for a ceasefire. No more attacks on you, for now.

Hind-wash: Why McCain lost in 2008

2008-11-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

As we reach the end of the road in the 2008 Presidential Election, Obama has been crowned the victor. But most of us are on political overload at this point. Almost like LSD overdose, "you took too much man, too much." Hunter S Thompson might have summed up the Republican experience best. I changed the context of the quote to apply to the election rather than acid.

"The [Election] had shifted gears on [Them]. The next phase would probably be one of those hellishly intense introspective nightmares, followed by four [years] or so of catatonic despair."

-Dr. Hunter S Thompson

Let's get to it shall we? Begin the introspective nightmare! Why did it happen? Why was McCain a Loser?

REASON 1: He's a Fucking Cripple!

In this journalist/blogger's opinion what was the SOLE deciding factor in an Obama victory? Better policy, speaking ability, intelligence level, campaigner? None of the above! On November Fourth, America stood up and resoundingly told John McCain if you can't lift your arms above your shoulders, you shouldn't be president

"We will not go into that good night, with a man who will only be limited to low-fives for the rest of his presidency!"

- America

REASON 2: THE MAGICAL OBAMA GROUND GAME

Let's also give credit where it is due. McCain didn't lose due to his own incompetence and negligence alone. Obama brought to bare the most powerful ground game in an Election history. Just to give you some idea of the spectacle that was "The Obama-non ground game". Here is some real time footage of the campaign in action!

Things to watch for in this video:
1) Amazing organization skills: watch the Obama team "step in time"
2) Uniting of classes: Whether it be the rich woman in red or the lowly chimney sweeps everybody takes part.
3) Dodging the low blows from the old man: When McCain fires off shots from across the rooftops the Obama camp instinctively takes cover and quickly counter-punches.
4) Protecting the youth vote: The youth vote is vital to the Obama camp.
5) The old white people fear but eventually come to love the Obama campaign
6) Hillary Clinton makes an appearance in the very end with a "Votes for Women" sash. She proudly sacrifices her own presidential bid to march alongside the Obama supporters. Well done.

REASON 3: Sarah Palin is Probably Retarded...
I'm not sure how many people have been following this but in the most recent news, McCain staffers have acknowledged that Palin didn't know Africa was a continent, rather then just one big country and she couldn't name all the countries in North America. So I Actually think this is a legitimate claim. I know a lot of people are going to bitch and wine and say "Goofers...that's soooo un-PC of you." But i think she seriously has a mental disability. One of her kids has down syndrome for starters. I'm not sure if it's "Twix" or "Spatula" or whatever her fucking kids names are, it's one of them. Anyways, she probably passed it on to them. And, wait, seriously. Look at her kids names, could you imagine what's going to happen when she ends up in congress.

"Ok the house minority leader will now introduce Sarah Palin's new bill ....H.R. 100447 the Ok yeah Twix trig you betcha, go Alaska bill" (<-- dramatic interpretation) I leave you with this proof. But i warn it's quite painful to watch.

99 PROBLEMS BUT MCCAIN AIN’T ONE

2008-11-05T00:31:00.000-08:00

PMW received the following statement from President-Elect Obama at 1:00 CT.

I got al Qaeda and other foes that nobody knows
And the insurgency in Iraq ain’t in its last throes
People wanna make sure their mortgage ain't foreclosed
Global warming’s melting the ice at the North Pole
Media critics say I got an elitist pose
I’m from the South Side, bitch, what type of facts are those
I coulda gone white collar if I had chose
Instead of community organizing for people without dough
I don’t know what you take me as
Or understand all the challenges Obama has
I’m from hopes to votes, cynics, I ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but McCain ain’t one
Hit me!

YES WE CAN! YES WE DID ! OBAMA

2008-11-04T22:08:00.000-08:00

Election Eve: New Dirty Tricks from John McCain

2008-11-03T19:48:00.001-08:00

PMW has recently discovered two flyers from the McCain campaign that discourage younger voters from making it out to the polls. A new low for the McCain camp.
(Click to Enlarge)

PMW NEWS FLASH: MSM Still Worthless and Confused

2008-11-01T18:00:00.001-07:00

The MSM (previously Mostly Shitty Media, hereafter Mainly Schizo Media) clearly has no clue what’s going on in this election. One week, they tout a poll where Obama and McCain are in a dead heat. The next week, Obama’s up by double digits. Obviously, this makes for a great story, but come on! A single poll means nothing. So, let me predict the outcome of the election. I can do it better than any of those clowns (with few exceptions, and sorry, Krugman, you’re on probation, even with your Nobel).

Obama will win. It will be a bloodbath (think Saw VIII, or maybe Saw ’08). McCain will go home and take a well-deserved nap (lucky bastard). Obama will saunter into the White House victorious (although he’ll be sauntering into a shitstorm). Ludacris will write a song about how awesome it is. Kid Rock will tell Access Hollywood it’s a shame.

Maybe conservatives will emulate whiny liberals and threaten to move to…somewhere with no taxes (if they can stomach Spanish)…or maybe somewhere that’s ultra-conservative (Iran, North Korea, Russia?). Or maybe they’ll just all go to Alabama and lobby for more state’s rights. That could make for good legal trades between red and blue states! (We’ll give you abortion bans if you give us gay marriage. We’ll give you assault weapons, but we’re not paying for the federal subsidies you get anymore).

I don’t know what will happen, I hope I didn't jinx it, and I’m sure you learned nothing from this post, but dammit if I couldn’t do this for a living.

PMW ELECTION UPDATE! (election was over last month..nothing new to report)

2008-10-29T17:39:00.001-07:00

DEAR JOHN...... MCCAIN! ,

HAH! (always wanted to right a Dear John letter)

I've got some terrible news for you and Red State America. I'd really like to tell you all that it was a long hard campaign and that both sides fought long and hard to secure their position as President of these United States; however, that is largely not the case. The Blue states will prevail in 2008. This is not just speculation, oh no! Such wild statements in any other political climate would be wild, reckless and negligent. But this is not any other climate. With the Dow behaving like a yo-yo on crack, nothing scares America more than 4 more years of America. I'm sorry McCain, you're an establishment candidate in the face of a change election. Obama almost didn't have to try. Perhaps the biggest loser in this election isn't you. Let's think of it this way (to make you feel better) Obama didn't have to try...but he did anyways. He raised more money in one month than you could raise in 6 months. As a point of fact, he's raised more money than any other Democratic candidate in US history. He didn't have to, what a waste of time. He could have spent the entire election in Hawaii sipping Mai Tai's and mocking an effigy of you from a distance (maybe stage a mock lynching?) It's hard to say what sort of bat-shit crazy fun he could've had if he wasn't making money and "campaigning" but it goes without saying, on an economic level his opportunity cost was much higher than yours.

So after you've completely blown this election, it's going to be difficult to keep yourself occupied. As the Executive Director of PMW I figured it was my responsibility to interview those who are mired in mediocrity kind of like yourself. Natural "losers" who will never amount to much (no offense) Let's listen to their comments! :

Tom Cruise (Reason for Losing - Scientology): Hi John, When my movie career was definitely at it's best I decided to join a cult full of wackos and halfwits. I think one reason that we are similar is that we were both good at what we originally did, that is being an appealing but un-memorable 2nd rate professional. Kind of like how you were a popular senator in Arizona about 8 years ago, I was a popular actor 18 years ago. Now that I'm not really an A-lister anymore i spend my time reading about Scientology and spending my money from Top Gun royalties on the books. Did you know it costs $3,000,000 to buy the books for OT8? OMG i love this religion, poor ass suckers will never be god like me :D

1986 Boston Red Sox (Reason for Losing - Bill Buckner): Wrong time, wrong place, why did we keep Buckner in? I think his ankle was broken right? So really John, we're nothing like you. While you are almost entirely flawed, our team had only one critically flawed component. So what should you do now that your Presidential bid is over? How about commissioner of baseball? Oh wait, no, even better. I think the Yankees need a new coach?

Balki from Perfect Strangers (Reason for Losing - Balki from Perfect Strangers): Hello John McCain!!! I love America and I love you! USA! I want to talk that your campaign has been most sexy..errr...affectionate...wait? My English is not so good yet i do believe we have much in common, yes no? Please excuse my erection of English incorrection. We are both who we are, and that is very wonderful men. We could make sweet times together? My number is 206-321-4870. Be my love.

There you have it John McCain. This is the best we could do here at PMW. While it's not much, I know you read this blog daily and i think it will do, for now. We really never supported you from the beginning but we admire the fact the you are losing in the quickest and most graceful way possible. PMW hopes that your transition into mediocrity is painless and unfulfilliing.

Sincerely
(Suck it),

Goofers McWaxalot

PROFILES IN REAL ISSUES: The Electoral College

2008-10-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

The final debate was terrible. There was nothing funny about it. At least, nothing that hasn’t been covered by the Daily Show or Saturday Night Live. I got nothin’. Nothin’. So, moving onto to a real issue…

Elections do not come down to who has the most real votes, (see Gore, Al, 2000) but rather who has the most Make Believe Votes. Every four years, each state gets together and votes. However, they don’t actually vote on a president, they vote on a trusted Townsman to ride his horse and carriage to Washington D. C. and cast a vote for the entire town. Obviously, there was no way we could actually count up everyone’s vote. Plus, how could they all get up to Washington in their buggies? Who would watch the farm?

Well, one day, we all realized that most of us aren’t on farms and the TV figured out how to count everyone’s vote. This became apparent when the townspeople rode to Washington to vote for Bush in 2000, even though Al Gore earned more real votes. Then, we turned to the nation’s Town Elders, in their deep wisdom, to explain to us what happened. They explained to us that we were bad at making laws. “Now, children, you have proven you are too stupid to elect your president. Florida, we thought you were responsible enough to conduct your own elections. We were sorely mistaken. So, we’ll have to decide for you.” The elders voted 5-4 for Bush.

Associate Justices:
Nancy Grace, David Souter, Clarence Thomas, Stephen Breyer (Top Row)
Roy Snyder, Judge Reinhold, Judge Judy, Mike Judge (Bottom Row)
Chief Justice: Judge Dredd (center)

This led many people to say, why the town representatives or the elders decide. Let the people decide! At first glance, this seems like a good idea. But remember, the Electoral College was set up for important reasons.

1) Keep third parties out.
Do you reeeeeeeeally want this guy running the country? Look at him! LOL

2) Keep the people confused
When people understand the electoral process too clearly, they start to catch on to the necessary ways that politicians manipulate them and they try to actually advocate for themselves and take control of their own country. It also lowers electoral optimism and turnout to dangerously high levels. Remember in the primaries, the long lines at the voting booths? Some people didn’t even get to vote. They were disenfranchised, all because of high voter turnout.

3) What would the Founding Fathers say?
How dare you question the system put in place by the founding fathers? How DARE you?

Even so, I MOVE THAT WE ABOLISH THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

In this country, we let the big cities decide the election. They get more electoral votes than the American Heartland (what did Palin call it, the real America?). Even worse, this creates a liberal bias in the Electoral College, since big cities always vote Democrat. What if we let the president be elected not by the Elders, the Townspeople in the horse and carriage, or the Upper West Side? What if we let the Joe Sixpack decide? Why can't Joe the Plumber have a voice??? Look at the electoral map! Those tiny blue spots are overriding the will of the large red spots (The Mountains and Plains are proud to endorse John McCain!). The Elite, Snooty Liberal’s best friend is the Electoral College and it’s time we got rid of it.

Weekend Montage with LeVar Burton

2008-10-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

Greetings, PMW Nation.

Waco has suggested that, given my skills on Microsoft Paint, I consider taking on a regular post in this space: the Weekend Montage. I’ll give it a shot. As the election draws near, the economy is no doubt a top issue on PMW readers’ minds. Treasury secretary Henry Paulsen appears on Mad Money and MSM mag covers about as often as President Bush these days.

I was watching CNN the other day, and I noticed that Paulsen bears a striking resemblance to one certain actor John C. McGinley. In a couple decades, McGinley will resemble Paulsen like Gul Dukat resembles Elim Garak. Perhaps he can accelerate this process with two or three packs a day, unfiltered.

I digress. Point is, these guys look a lot alike. And if Paulsen ever wants someone else to take the heat for the Dow, he can easily tap McGinley as his stand-in. I’m just sayin’.

That is all. Stay tuned for more.

LeVar

GUEST POST: The Socialist Contradiction

2008-10-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

I pose a very basic question to Republicans who are accusing Barack Obama of adopting “socialist principals.” How are stimulus checks not a form of socialism?

Let’s back up for a second. The concept of stimulus checks is nothing new. The idea is that the government gives its citizens a check for a few hundred dollars with the idea that they are going to piss it away on DVD’s, clothing or other retail items to improve the GDP. The problem is that most people use those checks to pay their rent or pay down existing debt or other things they need which are likely not made in the United States anyways. The research is in and stimulus checks don’t work as intended especially when the economy is doing badly. This comes down to targeting. Stimulus checks are issued to those who have relatively low incomes and don’t have as much money for discretionary spending. Instead of buying stuff as they are intended, they would rather use the money to simply not be as poor.

So what does this have to do with socialism and Republicans and the election? I am glad you asked. About a week ago when Obama was talking to our favorite person ever, Joe the Plumber, (if you don’t know who he is, please invite me to the rock you have been living under or use your stimulus check to purchase a television). Obama mentioned that he was interested in trying to reduce the class warfare our country faces by changing our tax structure to favor those making less then $250,000 a year (I.E. Those who are not pretty damn wealthy). John McCain took one line he used to describe this, “spreading the wealth around”, to be the battle cry to call Obama a socialist. Now here is where I get a little confused. How are reducing taxes for poor American’s more socialist then issuing them stimulus checks, which is quite literally spreading the wealth around which John McCain supports? If you can answer that then you are smarter then I am.

The great irony is that this country has always been interested in spreading the wealth around. Have you ever wondered why social security didn’t simply pay out benefits that directly correlate to the amount of money you have contributed to it in your lifetime and no more? That would be in alignment with John McCain’s Darwinist principals as well as that of the free market but he would never get elected if he said that directly (In fairness, he remembers when there was no Social Security! -ed). So basically John McCain and George Bush support socialism but as the old saying goes, it is not that they don’t get it, it is just that they can’t sell it. Well maybe not Bush but that is a different story…Have a great day.

That is all

-Jonathan Frakes

GUEST POST: The Eight Hottest Newscasters

2008-10-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

Fellow PMW Readers:

Waco has allowed me the rare opportunity to post in this location. Without further ado, I submit the most pressing issue facing our hard-hitting ’08 election: The eight hottest newscasters on 24-hour cable news. They are, in order:

Amy Robach, MSNBC. Recently bumped Soledad from the top.
Soledad O’Brien, CNN. PMW’s former number-one newscaster, were it not for Robach’s run to the top.
Chris Jansing, MSNBC. Exotic hot, sort of.
Campbell Brown, CNN. After extensive consultation with Waco, I’ve allowed Brown to move up a few ranks. Personally I’d have her at #6 or #7. Not that she isn’t hot.
Heidi Collins, CNN. I’m not partial to redheads, but she defies all logic. Bravo.
Brianna Keiler, CNN. Keiler is on the cusp of the pro leagues. Keep working at it!
Betty Nguyen, CNN. Also hot. Just not as hot as Keiler.
Ann Curry, MSNBC/NBC. Very nearly Nguyen-hot.

Star Trek, take note: These women challenge your longstanding supremacy. Seven of Nine and Dax: Time to step up the game.

That is all. I look forward to mocking Riker’s comments in particular.

LeVar

PMW NEWS FLASH: Sudden Blow to McCain

2008-10-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

This just in: Senator John McCain (D-AZ) has suffered a serious blow to his campaign from Senator Barack Obama. It appears McCain was Rick Roll’d by Obama! Some are saying he was Barack Roll’d. Regardless, it caught the McCain campaign offguard. Obama spokesman David Axelrod called it the campaign's “greatest accomplishment,” and a McCain spokesman admitted they would need to “respond strongly” in order to recover. CNN reported this one the “game changer” Obama needed and it could put McCain away.

The footage is here.

Also, here’s a gigantic OOPS in Upstate New York. Uhh, it was a typo. You know the “B” and “S” keys are so close on the keyboard. I don’t know whether I’m offended or simply stunned that someone was dumb enough to let this happen. Someone should be fired for utter incompetence!

If you thought things couldn’t get worse for McCain, you might have been wrong. A Troopergate report will soon be released from Alaska and some believe it could sink Palin. (Frankly, I think it’s nothing a wink and a beautiful smile can’t take care of, but you never know).

Debate III: Snoozefest II

2008-10-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

If you’re an Undecided Voter, I have to say, I’m sorry because I don’t know if this debate helped you at all. (I also have to say…really? The choice isn’t clear? This isn’t Hillary-Obama. They barely agree on anything!) Nothing new came up tonight. Here is a truncated transcript of the debate.

John McCain: My friends, Barack Obama is naïve about foreign policy.

Barack Obama: You said we’d be greeted as liberators. I couldn’t be that naïve if I tried.

McCain: He’ll raise your taxes.

Obama: Only for the wealthiest 5%.

McCain: That includes small businesses, my friends.

Obama: Only 5% of businesses.

McCain: Well you still suck. [Insert lame joke here]

Obama [Fake laugh]

McCain: You want to bomb Pakistan. How dumb!

Obama: Only if they can’t or won’t give us bin Laden. You sang Bomb, Bomb Iran!

McCain: I was just kidding! I’m so funny. [Ridiculous grin]

Obama: [Professorial brow furrow] Yeah I need to start telling jokes like you. They’re not funny, but people think you’re more laid back and have a better sense of humor.

McCain: It’s true my friends. Heh, heh, heh. But you’re still up in the polls. It’s not fair, I’m the Maverick. You never question your party.

Obama: My party’s had much less time in power and we haven’t done anything as damaging as yours in the last eight years.

McCain: Well, you’ll win in a few weeks and then they will.

Obama: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’ve only won this debate.

McCain: Yeah, but it’s not a debate. Nobody won. We just wasted 90 minutes of America’s time sniping at each other.

Obama: Fuck…

Tom Brokaw: I’m going to whine at you for taking too much time, even though I never bothered to cut you off. This job is sweet. I don’t have to do anything. Well, undecided ladies and gentleman, I hope they gave you the sound bites you need to make your choice.

Admin Update XII: Klingons in the White House?

2008-10-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

Greetings PMW Readers

Goofers is still on sabbatical, or whatever, although hopefully he’ll fit a few posts in here before the election. After the election, the whole staff may be taking a sabbatical (or moving Canada! The horror, the horror!). Meanwhile, I will continue covering the debates and responding to commenters.

I support our wonderful commenters in their ongoing journey toward staying on-topic. So many good points have been competing with semi-related (at best) Star Trek references. While I absolutely want to encourage limiting those references, I do offer a treat for all our Star Trek fans in PMW Nation. As always, we are maintaining a political context.

David Wu, (D-Crazytown, OR) apparently knows more about Star Trek than politics. Imagine Ron Paul in a Star Trek uniform. Nothing like making a moral argument about public policy with a Star Trek analogy! I leave it open to our commenters to determine if his analogy made sense.

Debate II: If That’s What You Could Call It

2008-10-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

Tonight’s debate was ridiculous and unsatisfying. You know what else is ridiculous and unsatisfying? The Cubs are about to go down 2-0. How is this possible? They are cursed! They were unbeatable, unhittable, and unstoppable, and now suddenly they suck. Zambrano just threw a no-hitter and now he’s terrible? Is this a joke? Could he at least punch a Dodger? Can he do anything right? The Cubbies were supposed to be a lock for the Series. I was supposed to get a Subway Series maybe. (Actually the Chicago Transit Authority runs Elevated trains, aka the El, so it’d be an El Series, but that’s neither here nor there).

But back to the debate, Obama is way ahead in the polls. Most likely because of the sad state of the economy. Dammit, the Dodgers got another run! But seriously, back to the debate. Sarah Palin didn’t really say much substantial, but she was adorable. She looked gorgeous, she had that All-American smile, and she winked a bunch. I don’t know what that was about, but it was extremely endearing. I disagreed with everything she said, but I wanted to agree with her. She’s like a hot Reagan.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I not actually address the stated topic of what happened at the debate? Well, I was more on-topic than Sarah Palin. She routinely refused to answer questions. At one point, Biden called her on it and she admitted to it. She just stayed on her talking points. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a debate, it was a Sound-Bite-Off and she may have some good sound bites for the news to play over and over again. Biden somehow managed not to have any bad sound bites, though. So, once again, this debate may change nothing.

***UPDATE

From http://politicalwire.com/archives/2008/10/03/leaked_from_palins_debate_prep.html

GUEST POST by David Copperfield

2008-09-29T14:05:00.001-07:00

My Fellow Americans

Today, we stand on the brink of oblivion. Washington has failed to act to save our country from financial breakdown. You, the American people, made your position clear. You wanted the government to act, for once, to help you, the people, and not the corporations and special interests. Too often, they stand by and do nothing, or else give handouts to fat cats while you, the hard working people of America, are left for dead. It’s wrong.

You wanted a bailout, but you did not want a plan that spent $700 billion of your money. This mess is not your fault, so why should you pay your tax dollars to fix it? You asked congress to pass a bailout bill that cost you little or nothing. Congress failed you. McCain failed you. Obama failed you. But there is one last hope for America.

I stand before you today declaring my Presidency for the United States. I will stop this crisis without costing you a dime. I humbly ask for your support.

Copperfield-Blaine 2008
A Magical Opportunity for a Country in Need

Debate I: Epic Snoozefest

2008-09-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

If you missed the debate, SPOILER: nothing happened all night. Obama scored some underwhelming, inevitable hits on Iraq. McCain scolded Obama as a naïve novice. Ultimately, it was not the “game changer,” the press was looking for. It actually got pretty boring after awhile. (But it was better than Gipped Us and Snuffleupagus harping on William Ayers and they didn't ask about McCain's houses)

Luckily, CNN – HD was there to entertain me. A panel of CNN correspondents was there to rate the candidates in real time alongside an audience tracker that had different colored moving lines that engaged viewers as shiny keys entertain a baby or small animal. CNN’s panel was perfectly balanced, with 2 Democratic hacks, 2 GOP hacks, and 2 non-partisan staffers sworn against taking sides.

CNN is clearly on a mission to become the No Bias No Bull Network, the independent alternative to Fox Noise and MS Now Bashing Conservatives. Most anchors convey as little emotion as possible (none better than Robotic Boob Wolf Blitzer) with the exception of personality-driven Lou Dobbs, with his Independent’s Convention (because let’s face it, both parties are failing this country when it comes to bashing immigrants).

CNN Debate Scoring Panel, Formerly The Best Political News Team of All Time

Paul Begala: Democratic Hack, Clintonista, Crossfire Host (got owned by Jon Stewart)

Donna Brazile: Democratic Strategist. A smart woman, but she ran Al Gore’s presidential campaign, so she is a hack by default.

Alex Castellanos: Former Romney advisor, clearly he’s still on Romney’s payroll and Romney paid him $100 every time he marked his scorecard (he gave McCain a point while he and Obama were taking the stage!?!)

Bill Bennett: Republican Strategist. He gave McCain a victory on points halfway through and then stopped scoring. Most likely, he got bored and went out for a second dinner (actually, not a bad choice).

Gloria Borger: CNN No Bias No Bull Representative, said Obama won on points. She hilariously refrained from marking any points for the first 30 minutes of the debate, by far the most entertaining part of the night.

John King: CNN No Bias No Bull Rep, Respected and Distinguished MSM Correspondent (1 of 5 nationwide). I was waiting for him come out with his Giant Google Map and show us which counties thought Obama won the debate.

I have nothing to report on post-debate spin because my friends and I drank every time Castellanos marked his scorecard. I don’t remember anything after the debate except that Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade holds up surprisingly well on a second viewing. Commenters, feel free to elaborate on this (the post-debate coverage or Indiana Jones).

WALL STREET CRISIS: Rich people forced to care about recession

2008-09-25T14:52:00.000-07:00

Amidst all this economic turmoil, congress is now fervently debating the best way to bail out all these corporations. Some of them, like Lehman Brothers, apparently are not that important and can be forced to suffer for their stupidity. However, others, like AIG, are vital to our economy and must be saved. The fate of all working people depends on the survival of a corporation. (Hey, Bush can’t be wrong every time!)

I interviewed different politicians to hear their ideas about this crisis.

Sarah Palin: The hard working people of America are now the victims of a terrible crime: Greed. Greed on Wall Street has taken advantage of the people and we will offer all the help we can. I propose a special kit for all those who got screwed by a corporation. Unfortunately, it’s crucial that they pay for their own kits.

Joe Biden: John McCain is trying to blame this on the Democrats! He must think the voters are complete idiots! Come on, people! Wake up!

Barack Obama: I will the bring the change we need to Washington. I will change our policies and fight for working families. Specifics? Well, I’ll put end to the generally excessive de-regulation and enact policies which involve a sensible amount of regulation. Yes, I know, that’s vague, but the voters will choose vague over obviously wrong. The voters know McCain knows nothing about the economy. How? Because he told them explicitly. I’m sorry, what does true-shay mean? Oh…that’s funny I guess. No, I never vetted you, you’d have gotten a call. Look, I have to go, Waco.

John McCain: My friend, you have to remember, when I was a P.O.W. in Vietnam, I didn’t have a financial crisis. I didn’t have a bank, stocks, insurance. All I had was my patriotism, my faith in God, and my maverick sensibilities. I’m sorry what did you say? Two of three what now? Look, Waco, I’m not a numbers guy, but I made it out of Vietnam, so we can make it through this crisis.

Hillary Clinton: I’m exhausted and pissed off. Leave me alone. I’ve told you people a thousand times the solution is to elect Barack Obama. I’m not voting for McCain, even with the Moose Huntress as his VP. What am I, stupid?

Ted Stevens was in court and could not be reached for comment, but we imagine he would have yelled at us.

George W. Bush: Congress needs to pass this legislation now! Our economy must remain strong. If congress does not pass legislation this instant, I will continue to make empty threats. This is bullshit, no one even listens to me anymore. I should make Dick finish out my term.

Bob Barr and Ralph Nader (Joint Statement): This financial crisis is just another example of how both parties are failures. And the media has failed us, too. Bush is getting more attention than both of us combined.

PMW Poll: Who do you trust most to handle the economy?

David Palmer: 30%
Matthew Santos: 30%
Barack Obama: 25%
John McCain: 12%
Barr or Nader: 2%
Ron Paul: 1%**

**?????

Hurricane Sarah Ravages Election

2008-09-14T23:37:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Ike hit the Gulf Coast recently and thank God it hasn’t been as bad as Katrina. The death toll was only 15 on Sunday, but some parts of Texas were hit hard by Ike. FEMA has designated these areas as Tina Zones. (Too soon?)

Courage Under Fire: After Sarah Barracuda and Rudy the Hegemony of Failure mocked Obama’s community organizing, Newt Gingrich was quoted as saying Obama just “wandered around the South Side of Chicago” as a community organizer. Honestly, that’s almost as dangerous as fighting in Vietnam. I sure as hell don’t wander around the South Side.

Since September, 130,000 women across the country have become WASPs!

McBAMA: Hey, It Could Happen
No, I’m not saying they’ll run together, but this election will be close. I was thinking there could be recounts in Ohio, although McCain is pulling away there at the moment (Aggregate poll data here). Colorado could be razor thin, as well as Nevada, and possibly even blue-leaning Michigan. Obama is behind McCain in national polls, but he still looks likely to win Michigan, Colorado, and New Mexico. If this trend continues and I think it will…well I’ll just make a prediction.

John McCain will win the presidential election…in the way Gore did. Obama will win the Electoral College and not the popular vote. The GOP will cry injustice, while still maintaining that Gore was a sore loser. A lawsuit could drag it out for months (and God knows what Bush and Cheney would do, stay on the side lines or invoke some creepy executive power, per usual). One can only hope it would lead to the destruction of the Godforsaken Electoral College. (“That shit is so antiquated,” as a friend of mine once said)

***UPDATE
Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton, together at last! lol

An In-Depth Look at Election Meta-Analysis

2008-09-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

The public appears skeptical of Obama’s McBush narrative. After being far ahead in the polls, John McCain has now caught up to him, which is largely attributed to McCain’s big convention bump. It is also believed that after reading about the success of the convention, voters continued to move toward McCain. The most recent polls show even more gains for McCain and before the end of this sentence, McCain is expected to increase his lead. Check out the new PMW poll taken last Thursday.

Who’s More Like Bush: McCain or Obama?

2008-09-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

Everyone’s heard the McSame/McBush meme, which PMW constantly echoes (and let’s hear for it Joe Biden’s Freudian slip during his speech. Heyo!) However, a friend of mine suggested to me that picking Biden made Obama seem more like Bush than the Maverick from the Gang of 14: a young, inexperienced dude who’s liked for his personality picks an older, experienced VP to hold his hand through the presidency. Interesting argument. Here’s my response.

McCAIN vs. BUSH
If you overlook some (alleged) pandering to the Right during the primaries (which, in fairness, happens every time), McCain is not a standard Republican, although he’s not moderate either. But let’s look at his Maverick stands:

Pork-Barrel Spending: Whoop-dee-doo, only politicians disagree with you! (Plus, Bush is with you here).
Environment: Bravo, sir, only right-wing nut jobs think you go too far on this!
Campaign Finance Reform: Meh, I’ll give you a point for that.
Immigration: Assuming you re-renege or un-renege (is that a nege???) this counts as a Maverick position, but it’s the same as Bush’s stance, so you’re still McBush.
Foreign Policy: Bush - torture + competence, where competence = 0 because your ideas are batshit insane!

TOTAL: 3 points. McCain is an anti-torture, pro-campaign finance reform, more environmentalist version of Bush.

OBAMA vs. BUSH

First of all, Biden ran for president and, while he failed miserably (twice!), Biden is not totally unelectable and he was running against three political superstars. Cheney was unelectable, and making him VP was some kind of crazy Texas Trojan Horse ju-jitsu (I feel so professional for working ju-jitsu into a post). Also, Cheney was known for being a hardline conservative, whereas Biden is known for being fairly moderate, sensible, and non-ideological. He’s an arrogant, rambling plagiarizer, but that’s child play compared to Cheney (Bush’s second term was Child’s Play 2, let’s not go for Bride of Chucky starring Sarah Palin). Ultimately, let’s face it: Obama is smarter, more educated, and more driven than Bush (or at least he’ll read the paper). He’s not the type to let his cabinet and staff run everything.

ON THE CHARGE OF BEING TOO SIMILAR TO GEORGE W. BUSH, The Honorable Waco Kid finds Barack Obama not guilty and he finds McCain guilty. You are sentenced to two months running a doomed campaign (plus time already served), and may God have mercy on your soul. (Politically speaking, of course)

George Bush Action Figures

2008-09-07T16:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I see Bush on TV and forget he's still in charge because no one cares about him, which is sad. For once, I feel bad for him. With that in mind, I present a tribute to our outgoing president. He couldn't really run a country to save his life (luckily other people's lives were at stake), but he was...a man of many costumes, so I present this merchandise set, coming soon to the PMW Store.

George W. Bush Action Figures: Collect all 4:

Baseball Star Dubya

Cowboy Dubya

Dapper Dubya

Navy Pilot Dubya

Coming Soon: actual commentary on this issue

RNC Thoughts: Strange Bedfellows

2008-09-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

How did Sarah Palin and Big n Rich appear at the same convention? It’s the party of Abstinence-Only Education and “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy.” Are the Democrats so incompetent and off-putting that they have united these opposing forces?

How could the Republicans rail all night against political correctness and lambast the Democrats as PC pansies, but then call Sarah Palin’s critics sexist? Let’s have a little consistency, guys (and girls!) for once.

Just asking...

P.S. Brutally mocking Community Organizing moves Rudy Giuliani into the Top 10 List of Most Heartless Men in America. He was so close for so long as the bed-hopping, wife-switching star of the Family Values Party. Congrats, man!

P.P.S. PresidentBushSucks offers a follow-up to the post I previously linked, and echoes my resentment of mocking Obama's time spent serving the communities of the South Side.

First MILF VP candidate: Different Takes

2008-09-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

Below are links to articles and posts about McCain’s VP choice. I find it startling reminiscent of 1984 (just as the Bush Administration was startling reminiscent of 1984). Charismatic candidate runs with experienced VP. Boring candidate with no choice of winning picks a woman. I’m guessing the results will be the same.

Recent Photo of Palin (lol)

The Leftish anti-Bush blog PresidentBushSucks offers a scathing take on McPalin.

Gail Collins is insulted.

Matthew Continetti thinks she’s the best VP to create a Reformer Image for McCain.

Maureen Dowd thinks it sounds like a plot to a Lifetime Original Movie.

***UPDATE

Some funny ytmnd's here, here, and here.

Admin Update XI: PMW in a Frenzied Disarray

2008-08-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

Greetings PMW Readers Everything here at PMW has gone totally haywire during the essential beginning of the general election. Goofers's gun lobby organization or wherever he's working is assigning him to a new project, so he has no idea where or when he's supposed to start.

I am now back in Chicago, sans Internet, blogging from the library and dodging the South Side sniper fire. After I move, resolve bitter differences with the assholes at Comcast, spend a week in Boston, and get my internet set up, I hope to blog more. Goofers's declaration that he returned was apparently premature, so don't expect a post from him for awhile. Everytime you see him, it could be a comeback (kind of like Weird Al!).

Btw, McCain picked Palin. I called it. Check the last post. Palin = dark horse. Nailed it! Sort of...

Wish us well as we try to get PMW up and running some day in September. And as always, thanks for your comments and feel free to submit guest posts.

Cheers

The Waco Kid & PMW Staff

Veepstakes Update

2008-08-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

Obama has announced Joe Biden will be his running mate. Honestly, I view this as a good choice, despite my reservations expressed in my previous post. In fact, those reservations make it a better choice. Kaine and Bayh were safe boring choices. Biden, with his hilarious gaffes, is a slightly less boring choice, despite being on old, experienced, white man. Having called Obama a “clean, articulate, black man,” Biden clearly struggles to be PC, which I personally see as a plus and will probably help Obama avoid the scolding, PC image that liberals have.

But more than anything, Biden’s personality will keep things interesting. He speaks more plainly than any member of the Senate. He’s the anti-Kerry. He rambles on a lot, but never sounds academic. The O’Biden ticket will be entertaining no matter what. Rather than watching O’Kaine limp toward a narrow victory or defeat, Biden will either serve as an effective messenger for Obama, turn nuanced points into something short and sweet, or he’ll torpedo the ticket with a gaffe of epic proportions. Go big or go home! Pick someone who has a chance to actually make a difference on the ticket, and if you’re going to crash, you might as well pack the plane with dynamite. Or Bidenmite© (commenters, please let me know if my puns become intolerable).

Honestly, Biden could be what the Democrats need. Instead fumbling and pussyfooting around the issues, Biden may help the Obama campaign stay on message and cut through the crap. Or he could be another useless sidekick like almost every other VP candidate. Only time will tell.

On the Republican side, McCain will announce his VP choice tomorrow. In true PMW fashion, I will now speculate the night before, so by the time everyone reads this post, it will be too late. But here’s what we know at this point: Good n’ Pawlenty and Mitt from the Mitt State are the two favorites, and Joementum and Sarah Palin (businesswoman and Alaskan governor) are the dark horses.

Good n’ Pawlenty supposedly “connects with the little people” (you know how I love it when the press says such things) and certainly seems personable. He’s from Minnesota, where the GOP convention is and the GOP sees a chance to turn that state blue. Romney is seen as giving McIKnowNothingAboutEconomics some economic credentials and could deliver the Mitt (and maybe the U.P. too!). Picking Joementum risks alienating the base because he’s a “Democrat,” but it may let them run the table with Independents by creating a Maverick vs. Partisan race. Not bloody likely though. Finally, Sarah Palin brings economic credentials and could seal up tons pro-Hillary anti-Obama votes.

I predict Good n Pawlenty. He’s youthful but not inexperienced and he’s a charismatic speaker. Although Romney is already known and McCain may prefer someone he doesn’t have to introduce to America. By the time you read this, we’ll probably know. From a blogging standpoint, I’d like to see Mitt from the Mitt because he’s easy to make fun of. Joementum would also work well for me. But I can say for sure, it won’t be McWaco!

Obama VP Announcement…Any Time Now

2008-08-22T00:43:00.000-07:00

We expect to learn Saturday who Obama has chosen as his VP. The pundits have spent months speculating and thus far have only narrowed it down to three finalists. We’ve debated the Dream Ticket/Unity ticket with Hillary. Would he pick someone with tons of experience, like Sam Nunn (the Why is Obama on the Top of the Ticket ticket)? Would he dare to slight Hillary (slash make a good decision) and pick Kathleen Sebelius, who has emerged as the dark horse choice (yeah, O’Belius!). Strangely absent from the discussion is governor of New Mexico, and former Everything, Bill Richardson, who is almost as well-known as Hillary and similarly has a strong demographic without all the baggage. However, if we can trust the press, (and, really, this is the last thing we still trust you for, guys) it’s down to these three: Sen. Joe Biden, Sen. Evan Bayh, and Gov. Tim Kaine.

This is outrageous. These are weak choices. Sure they have their upsides. Biden is one of the few non-phony politicians in Washington (but people don’t want that as much they claim) and he is always hilarious (At the same time, he obviously could destroy the campaign at any time with a gaffe). Bayh could attract moderates and maybe bring in Indiana. Kaine also could attract independents with his calm, Obama-esque style. Still, it seems clear he picked these candidates because of how they’d sound on the ticket:

O’Biden, O’Bayhma. Pretty catchy huh. Although, it highlights his problem that he’s a secret Irishman. O’Kaine is the best. O’Kaine vs. McCain? Kaine and Able? O’Kaine vs. McSame? Not bad, Obama. Although, we’d have an impossible time discussing the election. “The problem with Kaine, I mean McCain, which Cain? The one that helps Obama gain, not the one who uses a cane.” That would get old fast (just like my sorry wordplay). But honestly, it’s the same reason Kerry didn’t run with Bob Kerrey in ’04. It’s too confusing. So, there’s one choice.

The first black sheriff in the United States knew what to do. He knew he needed a sidekick who would always have his back. A drunk with no fear, no aspirations, and no loyalties to anyone else. Sheriff Bart picked the Waco Kid!

Obama Waco 2008!

Admin Update X: Save Me!

2008-08-16T02:25:00.001-07:00

I can't speak for Goofers (although I heard he's really busy at work), but I personally am very very busy. My company is having a conference this weekend and sleep has really given way to 12 hour workdays and 3 hours of trying to reach a state of mind where such workdays make sense (that usually takes place a bar). I'm kinda goin crazy here but it should be over soon.

I recommend you watch The Daily Show. That pretty much reflects my opinion of what's going on in the world right now (aka Jon Stewart mocking Bush saying "You can't just invade a sovereign country unprovoked, occupy their capital and overthrow their government." His inability to understand irony is amazing!) I promise better coverage in the future, PMW readers, but right now I'm exhausted.

One final note: The USA is kicking ass in the Olympics this year and actually acting like we're the best. Usually, we just say we're the best, but now we're acting like it. And also next week is the Democratic Convention, so if we don't hear Obama's VP this week, I'll be stunned. It's looking like Evan Bayh, but possibly Joe Biden. Paw-lenty of satire is sure to come.

Cheers

The Waco Kid and PMW Staff

Tribute to Ted Stevens

2008-08-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

No, he’s not dead, but he is hilarious. Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska, the oldest Republican in the Senate is a frequent target of Jon Stewart on The Daily Show for his incoherent babbling from his famous assertion that the internet is a series of tubes (technically true) to his Bridge to Nowhere scheme to his tantrum where he threatens to leave the Senate. So, I have nothing to say in this post, but I wanted to link some great material. Here are some web gems from the former pro-tem (that joke kills with the congressional scholars, although consider yourself cool if you didn’t get it).

All clips are short

Here’s his famous Series of Tubes Speech, where he describes the internet.

Here’s the electronica remix, actually not as funny as the raw material

Here’s his tantrum after the Senate passed a defense bill without provisions for drilling in ANWR

Here’s a great Daily Show bit about him.

GOOFERS MCWAXALOT: The Return of the KING!

2008-08-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

My Subjects, I Returneth!

First I must apologise for my frighteningly long absence. Over the past 3 months I've been settling into a lifestyle that does not allow me to endlessly indulge in the simple pleasures of blogging. I'm afraid that my days of making 4 to 5 posts within 24 hours are long over; however, I do promise to give you at least one good post every week (and maybe a few bad ones). So with that out of the way I bid you all well...let's get into today's post!

ISSUES THAT HAVE FUCKED WITH MY BRAIN WHILE I'VE BEEN GONE..

1.) GEORGE BUSH IMPEACHMENT

I'm not sure if a lot of readers have been noticing, but this issue has been flown silently under the radar for the better part of the last 3 months now. Dennis Kucinich and a handful of left-leaning Democrats have decided to try and string up Bush on war crimes charges. Once more a book alleging that the white house forged documents to create ties between Al Qaeda and Saddam could give this argument some serious headwind. MSM has been really out of the loop on this one, considering how much they love to break a scandal. Mainstream Democrats also seem reluctant to pull the lid off this one since they think it might jeopardize the chances of a democratic victory in November. In this bloggers opinion i think it would give a great deal of credibility to our nation (maybe even more than an Obama victory) when it comes to changing the perception of our cowboy diplomacy stance (pictured below)

If there's one thing that cowboys and the rest of the world can agree on (other than killing each other) it's a good ol' fashioned lynching!

2.) Hillary supporters going "shitty-pants crazy" for John McCain

Here at PMW we feel sorry for those legitimate Hillary supporters who thought that she had a better message and a more solid idea platform than Barack Obama. That's your opinion and obviously you're entitled to it. What continues to confound me are those individuals who are turning to John McCain as the cure-all for their Hillary loss. This sort of back stabbing smacks of racism, sexism and ageism all together! You've heard of "the race card" well I'm playing the trifecta if you will. The royal flush of complaining. I'm calling you all out! Either

A) you won't vote for a black guy...

B) You wanted a woman president and have decided to remind us that hell hath no furry like a woman's scorn (which 99% of Americans ALREADY learned from Rosie O'Donnell thank you.) or

C) Obama is just too young and you wanted a crotchety old nut-scratcher/vag-digger to make the same old decisions presidents have been making for the last 8 glorious/prosperous/economically golden years.

Thanks a lot crazy Hillary supporters...if McCain wins I'm blaming you (and Ralph Nader :D )

3) UFO's are REAL!!!!!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!

Here's another quaint little diddy that managed to pass under the radar screen not to long ago. Apollo Astronaut Dr. Edgar Mitchell (DOCTOR for christ sakes...he's no moron here) who incidentally flew on Apollo 14 and holds the longest recorded moon walk EVER (9hours) reported that Aliens are in contact with humans and have been since the Roswell crash. I think the general tone across the USA from this tone was something like "Thank god...the Ron Paul supporters weren't COMPLETELY wrong....they tried so hard there losses were almost soul crushing"

*IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT A RON PAUL SUPPORTER IS, ONE IS PICTURED BELOW IN IT'S NATURAL HABITAT*

Anyways, after all the fuss, this is probably the most credible official EVER to come out in favor of UFOs. He's a fucking national hero for christ sakes. For the first time ever i side with the Ron Paul crazies. Let's seriously shed some light on this. I want answers!

Where's my tinfoil hat???

I RETURN!

BLUE COLLAR UPDATE: Obama beating McCain!

2008-08-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been mocking the press’s coverage of “the people,” the everyman, the working class longer than John McCain’s been alive. We’ve especially heard a lot about the the poor whites/Reagan Democrats/Hillary Democrats (how the hell did those two terms converge???) We’ve heard how the Democrats struggle getting those votes. We’ve heard how Hillary can get those votes and Barack can’t. Well, check out this new report from the Kaiser Foundation.

Obama leads McCain 47-37 among the white working class. Boom! Shows what the MSM knows. Of course, this is just one study, but Kaiser is a respected institution and chances are this means it will at least be close. I guess he doesn’t Hillary’s help (remember that as you pick your VP, Barack!).

Admin Update IX: Admin's Revenge

2008-07-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

Greetings PMW Nation

Thank you, loyal readers, for reading our blog. We apologize there has been little to read lately. In our defense, there has been little to report. Veep picks can be expected soon. That should be interesting. PMW readers selected... Commander Riker, to be Obama's running mate, so...good job guys. Obama Riker '08? No one has weighed in on who McCain should pick to succeed him during his first term. But we should have a field day on the final VP choices in the next couple weeks.

Other than that, nothing important has happened. John Edwards has a love child and mistress probably. Boo hoo! The Waco Kid and Goofers McWaxalot had a sociopolitical/cinematic debate over whether or not Batman represents George W. Bush in the Dark Knight. The debate probably was too long (and serious) to be contained in PMW and degenerated into bitter name-calling and malicious condescension. The Bush-Batman connection argument (and counterargument) is here.

August could be busy, but we'll be getting into prime campaign season, so expect an increase in PMW posts eventually. But whatever you do, don't call it a comeback!

Cheers

PMW Staff

PROFILES OF REAL ISSUES: The Internet

2008-07-21T22:31:00.001-07:00

During my internship this summer, I have gotten my first exposure to a typical desk job. Sit at your computer all day, fill out Excel spreadsheets, check your Outlook, and, most importantly, surfing the ‘net. Now, let me assure you, web browsing is not entertainment (not always, maybe half the time), but actually is a way I get a lot of research done at work. However, my experience has led me to one important conclusion:

THE INTERNET IS A BOON TO THE LAZY
Thanks to the internet, as well as always-improving features for web browsers, productivity has grown tremendously. I can get so much work done, but more importantly, it also allows lots of time for non-work activities. I can check my email, the news, this blog, and Facebook once an hour without becoming significantly less productive. I can buy movie tickets online (btw everyone, go see The Dark Knight at least once), search for happy hour bars for after work (please send me ideas, readers), and check the traffic report to see if it’s worth it to sneak out of the office early (hint: it always is). I can’t fathom what people did before the internet. They either were bad workers or actually had to do nothing but work for eight hours. Imagine that! But here’s another important issue:

ONLINE PRIVACY AND FACEBOOK SPIES
I’ve also learned a lot about Facebook over the years. Originally, I saw it as an obnoxious trend that depersonalized the virtue of friendship and brought the shallowness of high school beyond the schoolyard and into cyberspace. Eventually, I accepted it as a practical networking tool that allowed me to stay in touch with friends after moving to Chicago and it also can be good for planning social activities.

However, things changed as Facebook introduced its News Feed (aka Stalker Feed) which announced every action you take on Facebook to all your Facebook friends. So effectively, you can stalk people on Facebook. At the same time, this is all information people personally release to their “friends” and they personally accept all their friend requests. So it’s not exactly stalking, but it’s fairly awkward. It’s definitely stalkward!

Most of all, beware two problems. First, Facebook spies. Some cute girl at work adds you as a friend and think, “Wow, I can’t believe I’m this lucky.” Well, you’re not, bro. It’s probably a Facebook Spy. She was hired by your boss to track your behavior on Facebook. One wrong move and you’re fired. (Gentlemen, never post pictures of you and your boss’s daughter.)

Second, parents have figured out about Facebook. It’s a travesty that people born before 1975 do not have a separate Geezer Facebook for those who did not grow up in the Tech Age. It’s not so much a travesty for little kids (some one should keep an eye on those bastards). I’m talking about the height of awkwardness: teenagers and twentysomethings getting “friended” (a blatantly fake word) by parents. This is so wrong. It’s just wrong. I can’t explain why (sorry, Dad). It just is. Thankfully, Facebook has addressed this with Limited Profile! Of course, Dad, I’ll be your friend. Here’s my profile…not much there…no photos, just some basic info about me.

Watch yourselves out there in the cyberspace, PMW Nation!

Obama’s Secret Identity

2008-07-17T20:10:00.000-07:00

Recently, there has been much uproar over this New Yorker cover with the Obamas engaging in a terrorist fist bump. Let me tell you exactly what I think of this tasteless piece of “art.”

It. Doesn’t. MATTER!!! First of all, who are they concerned (maybe legitimately) will believe Obama’s a Muslim? The “blue collar, hard-working, beer-guzzling, working class” or whatever the elite MSM is clumsily calling them at the moment. The MSM always discusses how people are being condescending toward the common people, never noticing the irony. “We know the commoners. We know what they want. They don’t like this.” Gimme a break.

BUT, more importantly, this distracts from the true scandal. Obama is not a secret Muslim. That has been debunked. But the stupid MSM has never bothered to connect the dots and come to the obvious conclusion: Obama is a secret Irishman! They always gloss over the fact that he used to go by Barry.

Don’t you see? This is Barry O'Bama! This is a coup and I’m the only one who seems to give a shit! O’Bama will have us all drunk in the streets (hmmmm…could be good…) on Irish whiskey instead of proper southern bourbon and drinking pretentious imported Guinness (as pretentious as The New Yorker) instead of good ol' America Bud (Wait, Bud was just bought by Stella Artois, so…Coors). How did this happen? Up until now almost all the presidents were good old-fashioned WASPs!

And McCain is Irish too! My Goodness! (My Guiness!) We may have to vote for Nader.

Future America Mocks Past America

2008-07-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

PMW has intercepted this correspondence between Past America and Future America

Dear Future America,

Help us!!! Everything is going crazy. We have to vote soon and we don’t know what to do. Bush doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing, but this Kerry guy seems like a dumbass. It looks like we’re going to give Bush another chance. Iraq is not going well, but it could turn around. Bush has done some bad things, but he hasn’t totally screwed everything up. Afghanistan looks like it will turn out okay. The economy is not doing well, but it looks like it could turn around soon.

Also, oil prices are out of control and gas prices are soaring. The Boston Globe says prices will soon be up to two dollars! How can we afford this? We may have to buy Priuses. But let’s certainly not resort to public transportation. I’d rather be dead in my car than alive on the subway. We have to drill for more oil or something. But where? How much is left? What should we do? Help!!!

Past America

Dear Past America,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yours,

Future America

Admin Update VIII: The Final Admin Update

2008-07-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

Greetings PMW Nation,

Don't worry! Like any long-running series, this probably won't be the final update. Although, things have been slow here (we say that a lot, but this time we mean it). I am still toiling away for no money, 40 hours a week, leaving less time to blog. PMW readers may be interested to know my internship has been slightly political.

On Tuesday, we had a press conference about health care and the people at work who actually get paid got interviewed by reporters. On Thursday, we're having a conference call regarding immigration, which supposedly will feature Barack Obama (hopefully he's calling to thank me for my endorsement). Not that I'll talk to him or anything, but this is the coolest political thing to happen to me since I drove past President Bush on the 520 bridge.(bastard drove around town on the taxpayer's dime, blocking traffic for an hour to get money from the rich snobs on the Eastside, but I still got to drive past the president. Yay!)

Goofers has not been around much, but is supposedly "living the dream." So...I'm guessing he bought a small island and is cruising around it in his Camaro with a monkey and firing rifles into the air. That or making bank and partying it up.

Thanks for reading and supporting us. Special thanks to commenter LeVar Burton for his continued efforts to keep his comments related to politics and reality.

Cheers

P.M.W. Staff

PMW SPORTS: Seattle too poor for NBA team

2008-07-07T00:50:00.000-07:00

PMW SPORTS is a recurring column in which we examine sports issues vaguely related to politics.

Recently, the Seattle SuperSonics moved to Oklahoma by order of new owner “Cash Us Clay” Bennett (© Jim Caple). This came as no surprise to the city, but it still pains the local fans. Bennett complained that Seattle needed a new Arena. While it was rebuilt in mid-90s, it is currently the smallest NBA arena. The best part is, Bennett wouldn’t have to pay. He was making the city pay.

So now the Sonics are finally gone (much to this blogger’s dismay). Seattle keeps the rights to the team name, but Commissioner David Stern ordered that Seattle must build a new arena within 18 months if expects a new NBA team. Again, let me remind you, Mr. Stern, Seattle has no money! Have you looked at the economy lately? The price of gas maybe? Where’s the money coming from? In what magical land does Seattle have the money for a stadium? Where are we going to get it from, the taxpayers? HA! They didn’t even get full approval from them to build Safeco Field (but they were close and it was totally worth it!). Ergo, Seattle is too poor to have a basketball team. These are some tough times, my friends!

Obama panders: Millions of idealists broken-hearted

2008-07-02T23:43:00.000-07:00

Can you hear the sound of the starry-eyed liberals whimpering? After months of mocking Hillary’s tears, now they are wiping away their own. Last Tuesday, Barack Obama announced his support for faith-based initiatives. This was not a huge surprise to those who knew Obama before he ran for president, as he has always talked about religion more than many Democrats (and without tripping over himself as he does so…not to name names...ohn-Jay Erry-Kay).

The interesting point is that Bush was actually criticized by the supporters of faith-based programs for using it as a tool to get support from the Christian Right, but doing nothing with it. Obama argues that he can actually use them effectively and maintain separation of church and state. So the chattering classes debate: is this a good way address poverty and social issues, a possible way to win votes from evangelicals, or a simple pander (hint: #3).

The final question is: will this alienate his love-struck base, which is dying to see a counterrevolution against the last eight years? Conservatives often accuse liberals of being pansies and we’re about to see if they’re right. Can liberals realize that Obama will pander once in awhile and that he is only human? Will they have a Nader revolt? (Maybe they’ll forgive Nader after Roberts and Alito retire) Or will they pull out their box of Hillary Kleenex that they thought was such a clever political statement and cry themselves to sleep. Maybe they’ll sleep through the campaign season and wake up on Election Day. (Lucky bastards!)

Obama vs. Dobson: Standoff of Biblical Proportions

2008-06-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

Last week, James Dobson (leader of the most conservative Christians) and Barack Obama (leader of the least stupid Democrats) have been sniping at each other over the Bible. Obama suggested that some issues not central to the Christian Right’s talking points are crucial to the Bible’s message. Dobson said Obama’s an idiot with “fruitcake” ideas, marking the first time in 50 years that someone used the term “fruitcake” in a serious conservation.

The Bible is not some open book with multiple interpretations. There is only one and James Dobson knows what it is. Everyone knows the Bible is against gay people, abortion, divorce, premarital sex, and you know…all the other stuff…and that’s pretty much it. Obama tries to act like hunger and poverty should be key issues, but they don’t really come up in the Bible (except in Luke 1:53, Isaiah 58:10, Luke 18:22, James 2:15-17, Mark 10:25, Exodus 23:6, and Job 29:12, but I’m sure that’s it).

Clearly, Obama did not read or misread the part about how it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. The point is: they still make it to heaven because rich people can do anything! You can’t stop them! So clearly, it’s a metaphor for achieving the impossible and a challenge to the poor. That’s the meaning of the story. Let there be no other interpretations.

In other news, The Waco Kid is celebrating his birthday this week. (A week is necessary to give people more time to be included in the ceremonies). For those unable to attend, he still appreciates their birthday wishes, but hopes they have a good excuse for missing out on the fun.

A Serious Note: R.I.P. George Carlin

2008-06-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

Most of our posts here at PMW are light-hearted and tough-in-cheek, but today I post on a completely serious subject. This Sunday, George Carlin passed away at 71. He was a funny man whose humor I admired and whom I quoted on this site. George lampooned political correctness, which we like to do on the site (hopefully 1/10th as well as he did). Rest in peace, George. You were a king among men.

The Waco Kid and PMW Staff

PROFILES OF REAL ISSUES: Gas Prices

2008-06-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

Gas has now finally reached unbelievable heights. Prices have risen to a national average of 3 beers per gallon (so thankfully, those who drink and drive can no longer have their cake and eat it too). However, people are reacting in terrible ways. Some car companies have actually started paying for people’s gas. That’s like drug dealers “comping” your drugs till you can afford to buy them again, in order to keep you addicted. PMW recognizes the importance of this issue and interviewed the public for more information.

Sarah Saddler, student at Sunny Heights Private School, Irvine, CA:
We need public transportation. Cars are destroying the Earth. I have to go. My mom is driving me to school. No I don’t take the bus. I am not a peasant!

Ross Schwartz, farmer from somewhere in the Okanogan region of Washington State:

Lots of people are moving closer to businesses, but I live in an isolated, agricultural region, so I don’t have that option. Seeing that gas has risen to 3 beers a gallon, I just spend the money on beer. It distracts me from how much my life sucks more than McCain’s gas tax holiday would have. Also, I get the hangover, not the planet. I wish I had as much hope as my Milwaukee’s Best has taste.

McCain’s chief economic advisor could not be reached for comment because he is in Massachusetts waiting for McCain to offer him the VP spot

Milton Reynolds from Albany, NY:

The rising gas prices are great because they punish people for being lazy. Either work hard and make enough money for gas or take the subway with the commoners. It’s social Darwinism. My car gets 20 miles to the gallon (highway) and I can afford to fill the whole tank every week. I hope they get higher than Europe’s prices and the lazy liberals can all move to Europe, which they always threaten to do anyway!

PMW - NEWS FLASH!

2008-06-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

For all of our readers who watch ABC's LOST and follow'd the 2008 Democratic Nomination (you're probably confused about which is a bigger waste of time.)

As we've alluded in the past, both are/were fairly pointless. I hope we can bring those two worlds of failure and mediocrity together in order to make your life a bit more enjoyable.

http://thisismydestiny.ytmnd.com/

ENJOY :)

Goofers McWaxalot & PMW Staff

(P.S. As a side note - my next post will most likely concern socially retarded man-children who watch star trek and follow politics too closely. If this stereotype in any way applies to you have fun playing scrabble with mom on friday night and never getting laid EVER.)

Hail, Barack, the Wicked Witch is Dead!

2008-06-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, the Obamaniacs (or whatever the press is calling them now) and Republican Party found themselves strangely sharing in a joyous moment. Hillary was going to drop out and endorse Obama. The stake has finally gone through her heart. The death march ends!

Everyone was wondering why she decided to make a non-concession speech Tuesday and then later announced Saturday’s speech because if you’re looking to shed a spiteful, scheming, self-centered image, a delayed endorsement is not the best way to accomplish that goal. But I digress. Hillary scheduled her speech for Saturday morning and the news networks offered full coverage with their anchors for all the political nerds who were willing to wake up on Saturday morning to watch a concession speech. I covered it for PMW, but it turns out I learned nothing interesting (except that I am apparently one of the political nerds; the bastards tricked me!).

She was half an hour late to her speech and I started to get extremely nervous. Oh my God, she’s not gonna do it! Oh no! I knew the Democrats would never pick someone I endorsed. They never listen to me. Is she getting cold feet? What is this?

Well, finally, she got there (and it looked like reporters were staking out her house and following her to the event, I don’t know, but hopefully The Daily Show will look deeper into that). Then she proceeded to speak for six minutes about how awesome she was and how her supporters love her so much and this girl decided to go campaign for Hillary in Pennsylvania instead of going to Disneyland (NERD ALERT!) and a bunch of touching stories about the Great Hillary Clinton.

Then she started talking about Obama and how the Democrats need to elect him. I can’t say she looked natural doing it, but she made a serious case with good arguments. She said “Yes, We Can,” talked about how bad Bush has been, and how the screwed the Democrats are if they lose this year. She didn’t seem happy, but she did seem to mean what she said (which is rare for her).

The question now is whether Hillary supporters will flock to Obama in the general election. According to polls, many of them won’t, but polls also indicated that Kerry would beat Bush in 2004, Obama would easily win the New Hampshire Primary and that Titanic was a great movie. So decide for yourself if this poll means anything at all.

In conclusion Political Mouthwash forgives Hillary Clinton for all the stupid things she did (and thanks her for giving us lots of material to work with). However, if McBush beats Obama, we still reserve the right to blame her.

DON’T CALL IT A COMEBARACK

2008-06-04T19:46:00.001-07:00

Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Barack Obama is the Democrats’ nominee for president. This is a historic moment, as he is the first black nominee of a majority party. But what’s more historic is that the Democrats actually seem to almost, kind of, sort of know what they’re doing right now. Not since JFK have the Democrats picked someone who appears to be both capable and marketable. Obama has succeeded in these primaries, defeating a key member of the party establishment despite many obstacles. Obama has claimed the nomination and Hillary will drop out and endorse him.

Now, the question is: who will be his VP? (Please not Hillary, please not Hillary, please not Hillary!) I encourage readers to post suggestions for whom he could add to the ticket, serious or funny. Here are some obvious choices:

Obama Edwards, the ultimate change ticket?

Obama Webb, military credentials anyone?

Obama Richardson, foreign policy credentials? (And let’s face it, we could use some facial on hair on the ticket)

Obama Sebelius, female representation (without the baggage and zero appeal to Independents)