Where in the World is Edward Snowden?

All these people want to know: Where in the World is Edward Snowden?

Alright, gumshoes. We're gonna find Edward Snowden and send him to Guantanamo Bay to rot behind bars with that illegal alien Carmen Sandiego. We know he's flown through Hong Kong and Moscow.

His Last Known Whereabouts: Ecuador, which is Spanish for Harboring Traitors. Snowden has revealed US secrets and has also drained the Amazon River and whisked the water away. The first contestant to catch Snowden will receive 50,000 Acme Crimebucks. Good hunting.

GOP Candidates Take Values Quiz

Rick Perry
Score: N/A
“I don’t take quizzes. That’s for pansies.”

Mitt Romney
Score: 100%
He cheated. “I did well because I love America so much.” Nope, definitely cheated.

Michele Bachmann
Score: 120%
She made up and answered her own extra credit questions on the tests. “Are there retakes? I could do better.”

Ron Paul
Score: N/A
Automatic disqualification for supporting legalization of heroin. “The American people should be grading the test themselves. The scorers are corrupt.” Probably true.

Newt Gingrich
Score: N/A
He devised his own test, gave himself an A, and then accused Romney of cheating.

Jon Huntsman
Score: F
“I would have scored well if the test were graded by independents.”

Herman Cain
Score: N/A
Scorers disqualified Cain, mistaking him for McCain. He met them in face-to-face to clear up the confusion, but was then mistaken for Obama.

Rick Santorum
Score: C
Answered each question with a diatribe against gay marriage. Damn, he still got C!

Sarah Palin
Score: N/A
She did not take the test, but drove up in her bus outside the test for a 2-hour speech, spoke for 15 minutes about how George Washington always said tests were for Communists, and then left early.

Obama Needs Jack Bauer

On the show 24, President Palmer (the actual first black president) often dealt with terrorism. He routinely negotiated with terrorists. Not out of fear or stupidity or pacifism, but simply to stall for time while Jack Bauer secretly hunted them down. The plan, like the show, was usually awesome.

Obama has used the analogy of taking hostages to talk about the GOP threats to shut down the government or not raise the debt ceilings, saying he has to give in to some of their demands to avoid disaster, as painful as it is. Well, continuing the analogy, the reason you don’t negotiate with terrorists is that they keep coming back asking for more, unless you can stall them and then defeat them. Honestly, what is Obama’s plan? Does he have Jack Bauer waiting in the wings? Does he have a Keifer Sutherland endorsement coming? Is Sutherland actually going to fight Chuck Norris at a bi-partisan fundraiser?

Maybe Obama has a trick up his sleeve, or maybe he’ll really shine in his reelection bid. Maybe he’s just banking on this drama hurting the GOP's public image. Maybe I say maybe too much.

Anyhow, I watched 24 for a long time, but I never finished it. I got tired of Jack Bauer saving the world over and over again (also the DVDs are expensive and the illegal websites streaming it weren’t working on my computer). I’m also getting tired of the GOP extracting demands from Obama over and over again, only to later call him a Socialist. I’m really tempted to stop watching.

2012 GOP Primary Predictions

First of all, let me express my great joy at how slow the process has been, compared to the Circus of 2008. As we near the 6-month mark before the Iowa caucuses, potential candidates like Perry and Palin (both of whom could actually win) have not even made a decision. I predict that Palin won't run. Palin wants to be a pundit, not a policymaker. And she might lose. Some blame her for McCain's loss and practical every independent in the county hates her.

If Rick Perry jumps in, I think he has the unique ability to run the table. He's their dream candidate, lacking the flaws of the rest. He doesn't come across as too crazy (see: Santorum), he holds up the legs of the GOP Stool (like Romney, except sincere), he's not seen as past-his-prime (see: Gingrich), he actually has a chance to win the nomination (see: Paul), and he seems to know what he's doing (see: Pawlenty; Huntsman). He could potentially dominate the primary. Perry might be too much of a Bush clone for the public, but at least then Barack Obama could keep running against George W. Bush! You can't make this shit up.

However, if Perry sits out, we have 2004 Redux: The GOP Version. Here, primary voters are bored and uninspired by old dudes like John Kerry and Dick Gephardt (now played by Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich) and not about to pick Joe Lieberman, their last candidate's running mate (in this case...Sarah Palin I guess). They see hope in the young, charismatic John Edwards (Tim Pawlenty), but he never really catches on. They also think Wes Clark (Jon Huntsman) will appeal to independents and be a fresh alternative, but he enters the race late and also fizzles. They find themselves captivated by the bombastic Howard Dean (in this case Michele Bachmann) who chastises the party for straying from its principles and weakly caving to the other side. Not to mention Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich, (now Rick Santorum and Herman Cain) who have no chance. (Not cast in this movie: Ron Paul, as he clearly belongs in neither party and should really have his own story)

Many remain reluctantly undecided, still dissatisfied with their choices and worried about the frontrunner's electability. The other candidates see that they still have a chance, but must take out the frontrunner, so they unite against their common foe. In the final days, the frontrunner is taken down, and immediately reacts by making an ass of himself on national TV, ensuring that he'll always be remembered as not just a loser, but a crazy loser (I can't WAIT to see what Bachmann does in the sequel! 50-50 chance she declares it a sign of the Apocalypse).

In the end, the boring, tone-deaf Kerry wins the nomination, viewed as the least offensive candidate. The voters hate the incumbent so much that they are thrilled to vote for any alternative.

In the general election, despite troublesome wars and a bad economy, the incumbent wins. History is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. You have no clue what's going on at first and there's always a twist, but it's pretty much the same formula every time. Also a small number of elites make lots of money, but the masses are generally dissatisfied.

GOP POWER RANKINGS

After years of lying dominant, it has finally returned. Not Political Mouthwash, well, that too, but I mean the GOP Presidential Primaries. Primaries are much easier to write and joke about. I am much prouder of the work I did lambasting kooky candidates than my mockery of movements, like the Tea Party, or actual policy. Let’s be honest, I was getting bitchy and wonky at the same time, so onward! Here is my ranking of 2012 primary contenders by how likely they will earn the nomination.

Front Runner: Tim "Good n' Pawlenty"
aka T-Paw aka Early Front Runner (usually a bad sign)
He’s boring, but every candidate has a fatal flaw. His path to victory should follow McCain’s in 2008. Be the boring, not crazy, candidate, take an early lead, don’t appeal to the fringe too much, run a lame campaign, fall behind, watch the crazy people destroy each other, win randomly in the last week, laugh at everyone. Then pick a random and inexperienced but super-hot, super-conservative running mate: Christine O’Donnell, this could be your comeback!

2. Mitt from the Mitt
One part of the John McCain playbook T-Paw can’t achieve is that “Next in Line” vibe that rarely fails in GOP primaries from Reagan to McCain. Here, Romney shines. He was runner-up to McCain in 2008 just as McCain was runner-up to Bush in 2000. Still, he was governor of Taxachusetts. I dunno, maybe the GOP will respond to this stump speech:“ObamaCare will destroy our economy, and while I signed into law almost the same program for Massachusetts, I believe in states’ rights, so what I did was fine. And Massachusetts is already a doomed, Liberal dystopia anyhow. How many of you Republicans care that I destroyed Massachusetts? That’s right. None of you. I did you a favor. You’re welcome.”Still, I think they’ll just ask him to run for governor of Vermont instead.

3. Newt Gingrich aka Fig Newton
America wants to forget the last decade, but Newt can with win Nineties Nostalgia! Step back, Mitt, Newt’s next in line, not you. You oppose Obama for passing nation-wide RomneyCare, but Newt was decrying Bill Clinton’s adultery even while he was cheating on his own wife. Also, he’s smarter, somehow less sleazy, and shrewd enough not to tell black babies, “Hey, you got some bling-bling.” Watch out, Mitt.

4. Michele Bachmann
aka Bachmann Turner Overbearing
Well, Sarah, there’s only room for one Mama Grizzly in this primary. You snooze, you lose. If you wish Sarah Palin was less charming and spent less time on talk shows and more time finishing out her terms in office, Michele Bachmann is your candidate. Does Palin even want to run? Too late, Bachmann definitely wants to. Sorry, Sarah, Michele is Looking Out for Number 1. You’ll have to Let it Ride. She is already Takin’ Care of Business. You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet. Also, it’s fitting that she spells Michele with only one L because she’s one ‘ell of a lunatic.
5. Ron “my son outranks me now” PaulHe’s still running. He still opposes a large, active military. He’ll divide the true Tea Partiers and the generic Republicans trying to ride the wave, which is exactly how to lose a primary. He’s a real longshot, but he’ll make things much more entertaining.

6. Rick “Google Me Right Now” Santorum
Don’t do it. Definitely stop reading at “frothy.”

7. Huck
He may not even run, but he could. He has more charm than anyone in the field. Most of all, I think Chuck Norris wants this to happen, and if he campaigns for Huck again, Huck could win easily.

8. Sarah Palin aka Sarah P the Pharisee
See Bachmann. Also, what a relief that the media is finally getting bored of her.

9. Trump aka Wait, WHAT?
Campaign Strategy: Obama? Fired.
On the Issues: Terrorists? Fired. Recession? Fired. Taxes? Fired. Debt? Fired. High gas prices? I’m proud to introduce new Trump Gas Stations. Best gas stations in the world. Period! They’ll solve the gas crisis. Guranteed!
Finally, a very special season of Vice Presidential Apprentice. It’s gonna be huge!

Opt Out of America

Many people argue tirelessly that the federal government is the problem, not the solution. The question is, do any of them mean it? Conservatives have lamented the Obama administration's excessive spending and regulating, some going as far as bringing up secession.

I think it's time we called their bluff! Let them secede! The fact is none of these states have the balls to secede, and Texas and Florida are the only states that have a prayer of surviving on their own. Red States survive because they are highly subsidized primarily by the Blue States and by big cities, which tend to be more liberal. Basically, for all their complaining about welfare, most of Red America is leeching off a giant welfare system. If they don't like federal spending, let's see how long they can survive without federal subsidies. I bet they come crawlin' back real fast!

As we ask ourselves which corporations are too big to fail, we should ask, is the United States of America too big to succeed? Did the Health Care Fiasco of 2009, with all those town halls and protests and Tea Parties, prove that Democracy doesn't work for a country of 300 million? Can we agree on anything? There's sort of agreement that the Obama has been a disappointment, but why? (hint: ridiculous expectations) Some say he's catering to the liberal base and changing things too much. Some say he sold out his base and is too conservative. Some say he's a weak, naive dreamer. Some say he's just another corrupt Chicago politician. Our nation encompasses so many viewpoints, regions, climates, and demographics. We have people from thousands of miles away telling New Yorkers where they should build a mosque.

What holds us together? In the wake of the Civil War, we were sharply divided, North and South. Now, we're fragmented, divided in muliple ways on a multitude of issues. What do New York and Texas have in common? Florida and Washington (DC or State)? Really, the only thing similarity is that the British wanted all this land for themselves.

Many people say that what makes America great is our diversity. Not just the Black History Month kind of diversity. Also, that we have the "Left Coast," the Libertarian West, Texas, the Midwest, The Deep South, and the East Coast all in one country. That we have Gun Nuts and Soccer Moms, Hippies and Socialites, Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck, John Stewart and Dr Phil (well, maybe not Dr. Phil). And I agree. This is part of what makes this country so great. It's like the Beatles. They were great because they had John Lennon and Paul McCartney, two great musicians with very different approaches. John thought Paul was pretentious, Paul thought John was a hippie, but they made it work, and they were one of the greatest groups of their time.

It's worth noting that the Beatles broke up after 10 years. Other bands lasted much longer, but should have broken up sooner (see Led Zeppelin; U2; Weezer). It's pretty amazing that the Beatles lasted 10 years. The same goes for the USA. Maybe it's time to break up. We have discussed whether states would be able to opt out of health care reforms. They should be able to opt out of America!

Let some states do those solo projects they wanted to do, like that Free Market Paradise, where the government is small enough to drown in a bathtub (it'll flop, I guarantee it!). Then we can have a reunion tour in a couple decades, when states are bankrupt or recovering from drug problems, assuming that none of them ends up like John Lennon.

License to Spill

PMW received this statement from Tony Heyward and BP, with apologies to the Beastie Boys.

Now, here’s a little story I got to tell
About a big corporation you know too well
It started way back in history
With Barack, Sarah Palin, and us, BP

Sarah said...it’s time to drill baby drill
Barack hesitated, but said yes we will
Drilling in the soil, getting lots of oil
Till we sprung a leak and caused lots of turmoil

Our name is BP, we got a license to drill
I think you know what time is, it’s time to stop the spill
Now what do we have here? America shouldn’t fear
We’ll clean this land, you understand. We’ve made ourselves clear

So we tried the top hat, we tried the hot tap
We tried the junk shot and a huge dome cap
We even tried a system that was called top kill
But no matter what we did, oil continued to spill

We were in a tough boat, the GOP began to gloat
And right about now we need Obama to emote
The King Barack; that is my name
And I know you’re all mad but I won’t take the blame

Sarah Palin said, you know, this only goes to prove
We gotta drill on land, where it’s easier to move
She says, this is bad, the outlook ain’t sunny
But I’m writing a new book and I’m about to get money

We at BP know we’ve lost some respect
But to keep making profits is what we expect

Sarah got the money, Barack’s down in the polls
We’re facing many criminal charges, that’s cold