The People Have Spoken

First, let me start by saying watching these damn primaries has been like watching Lost. We don’t know what the hell is going on or where this is going. Week after week, we tune in looking for answers. Week after week, we learn very little and more questions are introduced than answered. The Democrats seem to know what they’re doing about as well as those poor schmucks marooned on the island. Both cases show groups split by a cynical pragmatist and a notional idealist. The suspense is killing us! And just as the villain on Lost warns the protagonists of impending doom, the Democrats have a mysterious, complicated disaster coming their way.

The People of Ohio and Texas had a clear choice on Tuesday, whether they realized it or not. Their choice was between Barack Obama and a Gigantic Circus at the Democratic National Convention. They have chosen the brokered convention, every journalist’s dream and the Democrats’ worst nightmare. Unless Obama rebounds quickly, a brokered convention looks very possible, which is bad for the party. If Obama still emerges victorious, Hillary's campaign can end on the same note it began and…well, really it’s kind of been a one-note campaign. See if you can identify the theme:

“Caucuses are unfair because they disenfranchise voters.” (She first realized this when Obama kicked her ass in all the caucuses)

“Nevada’s casino caucuses unfairly benefit cooks.” (After she unexpectedly lost the cullinary union’s endorsement)

“It’s a travesty that Michigan and Florida’s delegates don’t count.” (This became clear to her when she won those states, but was losing overall)

“Texas’s caucuses are unfair and I may sue.” (After Obama caught up to her in the Texas polls)

Hillary’s campaign theme is…Bitching about how unfair the system is (after it bites her in the ass). So she will save face by putting the party through an arduous ordeal in Denver.

But, what a minute! What if Hillary cuts some slimy, backdoor deal with the superdelegates and wins the nomination? Think about it. A powerful politician, on her last legs, her last shot at the presidency, and her ex-president husband calling in all their favors and using all their influence. Suddenly, things look bleak for Obama, even though he has more votes from the people.

The real problem here is that the Democrats have the dumbest primary rules you could possibly imagine. Texas had a primary and a caucus and you have to vote in the primary to participate in the caucus. Having so many superdelegates makes it impossible for anyone to win a close race before the convention. I mean, we all had extremely low expectations for the party, but this is a new low. Unfortunately, Obama needs to just suck it up. He can’t fall into Hillary’s bad habits of blaming a system she signed onto a year ago. He has to suck it up and win as many delegates as possible. If Obama wants to lead the Democratic Party, he had better get used to dealing with complete idiocy on a daily basis.

Admin Update III

As we enter our third month here at Political Mouthwash, things are a little crazy. Goofers is still on sabbatical, but he should be back before too long. I'm guessing he's applying for jobs in the MSM so he can sabotage them. That or he's at at a gun show testing out automatic weapons. I will be sort of on sabbatical in March (SPRING BREAK!!!), probably posting weekly. Hopefully we'll be back up to speed soon. As always, thanks to all our loyal supporters and readers. We appreciate your comments and feedback as well. And feel free to submit guest posts to Goofers or me anytime.

Happy Second PMW Month-a-versary!
Cheers,

PMW Staff

PETA: Perpetually Egregiously Terribly Asinine

Someone please tell me: When your cause is to protect cute, fuzzy animals, how can you alienate so many people? (And let’s not forgot PETA’s smokin’ hot ads) I was watching The Colbert Report on Thursday, and he had Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA, on the show (nice to see a female president not named Hillary). Now, I was very interested to hear what she had to say because I have heard many bad things about PETA.

This surprised me because I am a very passionate supporter of animal rights. I grew up with dogs and if anyone mistreated my dogs I would rip out their heart and feed it to them. Now, I firmly believe that animals should be treated very nicely from the moment they are born until the moment you cook them. I don’t like these factories where they treat animals badly, but what’s wrong with letting them live happy lives and then making good use of them afterwards? It would be terrible to waste all that delicious meat. If I tasted good, I would want to be eaten when I die.


So with that in mind, I watched the PETA lady. She immediately set me off with her statement, “We should all be vegetarian.” Excuse me? That’s the worst thing I have ever heard. Now, I know vegetarians. They’re good people, the ones that don’t preach to you anyway. I think if you’re vegetarian, that’s wonderful. Good for you. You’re missing out on so much wonderful food, but that’s you choice. What’s important isn’t whether or not you eat meat. It’s that you make that choice and then shut the hell up about it! So, I think it’s asinine for someone to tell me I should not eat meat.

She continued by saying they have proven meat is bad for you. Really? Because I have eaten meat my entire life and the doctor has always said I am very healthy. This is the case for millions of people. Now, surely lots of people eat too much meat, and that’s bad for you. Well, guess what? You know what else is bad for you when eat too much of it? EVERYTHING! I really don’t think in 100 years, we will look and back say, can you believe all those people who used to eat meat? What an egregious thing to do!

So I will perpetually stand by beliefs. We must treat animals well from birth until death and then, if they taste good, we can eat them. Unless you’re talking about eggs, in which case you eat them before they’re born, which is good because then you don’t have to kill them and it avoids an ethical dilemma! (Although, to paraphrase George Carlin, does an omelet count as an abortion?)

The Waco Kid Endorses Barack Obama: But Why?

I would be lying if I said my posts have not been favoring Obama over Hillary, but I am now formally announcing my support for Barack Obama. I released this news today to all the campaigns. The Obama camp released a statement saying, “We appreciate The Waco Kid’s support. It is an honor because he writes for the best blog on the Internet with his esteemed colleague Goofers McWaxalot, whom we hope will endorse Obama too. However, we are not sure if this helps Obama in any way.” A spokesperson for Hillary shot back, “This is no surprise, coming from the writer of a blog who kisses Obama’s ass all the time. Waco clearly has a man-crush on Obama, but fortunately no one reads Political Mouthwash or cares what Waco thinks.”

McCain’s chimed in at a rally, “The Waco Kid is a liberal pansy. I’m sure he loves Obama’s Leftist garbage. This far-left politics will not win in November. While McCain was going on his rant against political lefties, I was pondering why it was that Obama appealed to me. Last night, at the debate, I figured it. I was watching Obama write notes while Hillary was going on about a Saturday Night Live sketch so she could pout about the media favoring Obama. As he wrote his notes, I noticed, Obama is a lefty!

Not a left-winger, but left-handed! Like me, Bill Clinton, Poppa Bush, Ronald Reagan, and many others. As a left-hander, I have always had to endure struggles such as learning how write (and holding the pencil all weird), never being able to borrow anyone’s baseball glove in a pickup game, having to switch to right-handed for golf, finding a left-handed desk in the lecture hall (one time I was taking a test and they had NONE, would not accommodate me, and I had to sit at a table in the front of everyone to take a test and I felt like an idiot), and worst of all, witnessing society not care about Left Hander’s Day in any way (you could at least send me a card, I have never gotten a single card).

So I thought of all of that, as Obama wrote, and decided that I truly identify with him. Hillary sat there writing with her right hand, like she was better than the lowly lefties. So I endorse Obama. I was also excited when I discovered so many presidents have been left-handed, and then I realized John McCain also is. Fine, let there be a Lefty Battle this November. Power to the Lefties!

Hillary’s Pillory: Sexism or Herself

Hillary’s done. Obama has a big delegate lead and he’s going to win. I’ve recently suggested she could make a crazy comeback, but as she’s been saying lately, Let’s Get Real. Hillary already has a lot bad blood around her politically and it’s getting to the point where staying in the race can only make things worse for her. Here she has a chance to look graceful and humble, which would shock many people. I have previously argued that with little regard for policies, people just hate Hillary, now I ask, why? Is she what a dyslexic person might call a witch or the victim of subtle, embedded sexism in America? The answer is…Yes.

Hillary frequently engages in behavior that reinforces her negative image (Much like John Kerry saying his favorite Red Sock is Manny Ortez), regardless of how accurate that image is. In these primaries, it started with cynical, Billy-come-lately charges of voter disenfranchisement in The Happy Ending State. Now she is talking about seating the Florida and Michigan delegates, which is a similar, but even more disingenuous tactic. They did not campaign in Florida, so she capitalized on the fact that she does better the less people see of her and Obama. But the Michigan situation is shameless and appalling. After complaining about the lack of debates and not getting her voice heard, maybe Hillary should debate her closest rival in Michigan: Uncommitted. It’s easy to win delegates when no one else’s name is on the ballot. Just think of all the Uncommitted delegates being disenfranchised. Clearly, Hillary is excessively cynical, ambitious, and egotistical.

However, let’s remember, that makes her like 95% of people in politics. This is nothing we haven’t seen before. It’s just more obvious when she does it because she’s a Clinton, a woman, and she’s actually more successful and capable than most of the corrupt, unprincipled jerks in politics. Getting back to sexism, it’s fair to say we notice these qualities in Hillary more because she’s a woman. They are real, but they are not unique. We expect men to be jerks, but we anticipate different flaws in women. We expect them to be too meek or passive, not too pushy and scheming. Hillary let us all down, because she’s just like one of the guys. Sadly, that’s how most politicians survive. That’s why Obama is so unique, because we think maybe, just maybe, he isn’t like that. And people would think better of Hillary and not make unfair charges against her if she stopped finding ways to prove them right.

One final note: Hillary is engaging in the ultimate act of selfishness by not only staying in the race, but also going so negative. The tide is clearly turning toward Obama and the party is gravitating toward him. Obama has a huge lead in pledged delegates and a decent lead even when you include superdelegates. For Hillary to make a full comeback, she needs Obama to epically implode (He would have to say something in the “Kill All the White Man” ballpark). If she wants to stay in, fine, but why mock the new hero of her party? Best case, she probably forces a superdelegate showdown, where she can only win through backdoor shenanigans. Worst case, she crashes in flames and brings Obama down with her. Now, Obama is not the Messiah (or Obamassiah, as those insufferable hipsters love to say). However, it is worth noting that promising Democratic candidates are almost as rare as messiahs. Hillary is willing to risk severe damage to her party for what has basically become a long shot candidacy. So thank you, Hillary, for clearing up this question of sexist vs. self-inflicted hatred, because this pretty much proves it’s mostly your own fault!

***UPDATE: When I say Hillary has gone too far and is mocking Obama, I mean this.

Obama Snubs Black Union Forum: Why shouldn't he?

It was called "ugly", "disrespectful" and "un-dignified" but when Barack Obama decided to skip the Black Union forum today (a classic standby for privledged white liberals to show they "feel" the anguish and injustice suffered by so many of the nations minorities) the world decided not to care. The nation itself realized the stark reality that Barack Obama [is] black, and therefore probably understands the problems of black individuals better than his opponents (who, incidently, are not black) . To be fair to the Black Union Forum, in over 200 years there never has been a serious black candidate to run for office. It's really no surprise that they didn't see the writing on the wall, most of us didn't, we'd been asleep for quite a while. In fact, it was so surprising when Obama began to run for president as a serious contender many of us were in disbelief. There were questions asked like: "is he really black enough?". Most people understood, of course, that this line of questioning was sourced from the nation's black community, fearing it had lost one of it's own to the socio-economic black hole known as "neo-conservatism" better known in the black community as "wish i was a self absorbed white asshole syndrom" (W.I.W.A.S.A.W.A.S. for short) . Famous African-American's to have fallen into this hole include Condolezza Rice, Clarence Thomas, Gary Coleman and Allen Keyes) . His blackness, once a point of contention was finally laid to rest after the release of the famous Barack/Iraq bumber sticker. (Pictured Below)

Although Mr. Obama may be off the hook this time, he's sure to be more heavily scrutinized and misunderstood by both blacks and whites alike. With the pressure of running for the world's most powerful office combined with the racial magnifying glass that he's being put under, it leaves us all to ask "how does he get it all done and still manage to look so cool, calm and presidential?" Maybe we're asking the wrong questions. Black or white might not be the key distinctions. Perhaps there's something more to Mr. Obama, something a little more than skin-deep???.....

Meet your new president............Sarah Conner :D

That 70s Party: The Grand Old Has-Beens

The times they are a-changing, but the Republican Party is not. They are an elegant Rolex in a Digital Age. The Reagan Coalition is crumbling because the Reagan Years are long gone. Without a New Reagan, Republicans have turned to John McCain, a traditional man, but a media darling with a hip, relaxed image. Unfortunately for the GOP, McCain is the New Reagan, coming eight years too late. In 2000, they had the perfect candidate. He was a hero to Independents, and even liked among Democrats. McCain would have coasted to victory covering all his political bases: Experience, Likeability, and Bi-Partisan support, not to mention his Straight Talker reputation. There would have been no Florida fiasco.

But suddenly, someone who will remain nameless (let’s call him Karl R., no that’s too obvious, we’ll say K. Rove) called primary voters and told them McCain had an illegitimate black child (Oh my, he cheated on his wife! With a colored woman, even worse!). In fact, he and his wife had adopted a Bangladeshi girl (No good deed goes unpunished). So the Straight Talker lost to a politically cynical man who smirks every time he utters a sentence without stuttering.

McCain learned a valuable lesson from his defeat. He slowly abandoned his maverick approach and began towing the party line (becoming the Phantom Maverick). It took him awhile, but by 2004, he was turning into an articulate version of George W. Bush, a guaranteed winner for 08. By 2006, he was so loyal to Bush that in a presidential straw poll, he asked his supporters to cast their vote for Bush. Maybe he wanted them to know there was no difference. Maybe he had become so loyal he would campaign for a third term (technically, W did not win in 2000, so he should be eligible to run right now). Now, John McCain represents a 70s solution that was popular in the 80s and could have worked in 2000, but now is outdated. He’s a re-run!

Welcome to the Ronald Reagan Show. Your guest host John McCain will address welfare queens, defeat the Red Menace, reduce regulation of the economy, and cut your taxes dramatically. Wait? That was already done? Uh, more tax cuts? Even less regulation? Iraq could be our new Menace...We can still talk about lazy people even after broad welfare reform, right?

Suddenly, Ronald Reagan has turned into Bob Dole. Our unstoppable hero has turned into a cranky, out-of-touch, old codger. He sounds like a broken record in an era where CDs could soon become obsolete. This is the best luck the Democrats have had since Rove bailed them out by beating McCain. The question now is: Just as in 2000, how will the Democrats find a way to squander this? Ohio, we’re looking in your direction.