2010: The Year We Make Contract

Sorry I’ve been posting so rarely. My life has been really busy, now that I have a day job. Also, I’ve felt mostly humorless about politics lately. So here is a list of recent stuff that bothered me in this foul year of our lord 2009 that I hope changes (Please Obama, give us that change you promised right now!). In the spirit of PMW’s Contract for America, designed by Goofers, I submit to you, Resolutions for America in 2010.

Stop hoping or expecting the most successful athletes/actors/politicians will be the most moral citizens. You don’t rise to the top by being the nicest. You do it by being confident and driven, boldly pursuing what you want, and not taking “no” for an answer. Those are not the characteristics of saints and family man. If anything, we should view famous people as MORE likely to cheat. You don’t have to be HAPPY Tiger cheated, but at the very least, don’t be SURPRISED or HURT. He did not cheat on the public. It’s not our business if he cheats, unless it’s on the golf course (or unless he bangs another woman on the golf course during a tournament). In 2010, expect more Charlie Sheen and less Tom Hanks.

Stop acting like there was an obvious course of action in Afghanistan. (Yeah, I took a shot at Goofers. It happens sometimes) Obama had to decide among a set of less terrible options. I have no idea if he’s doing the right thing and anyone who is sure either way frightens me. This surge could easily turn into Vietnam Part II, but leaving could increase the chances of an Af-Pak Nuclear Free-For-All. Obama is walking a fine line and it may turn out that he’s doing brilliantly. He may also be trying too hard to please everyone and may end up failing miserably and incurring everyone's wrath. Is this 8 years overdue or 8 years too late? In 2010, we may find out.

Stop acting like Mike Huckabee is on the hook for the murder of those Tacoma cops. This went down in my state, so it definitely matters to me. There are many people partly to blame, and Huck is one of them, but he pardoned a teenager sent to jail for approximately 100 years for armed robbery. If you think that was a fair punishment, you’re insane. However, I will enjoy watching to see what far-right stance Huck will soon take to try to win back the conservative base. In 2010, Huck-Haters need to find legit reasons to attack Huck, or at least make fun of him getting fat again.

Stop making hopelessly inconsistent arguments. Republican leaders say Obama/Pelosi/Reid never worked in the private sector, so they can't run the economy well. So...I’ll be expecting resignations in 2010 from those of them who have not served in the military, since they can't keep us safe, as well as resignations from those who haven't worked in the non-profit sector, since they can't solve our social problems. In 2010, I don’t expect politicians to change, but I hope the public will tire of their bullshit.

Stop letting the GOP bully you, Democrats. Stand up for yourselves. The GOP is using the filibuster in historically unprecedented ways. It was always used relatively rarely, then the Democrats used it to stop many of Bush’s judges, and now the GOP uses it to stop any bill they dislike. Basically, the Democrats now need 60 votes to pass anything (the GOP needs fewer votes because the Dems are cowards). While some delight in this cautious approach to governance, it means that nothing ever happens in congress (and my jokes about Democratic cowardice are getting stale, so it also deprives me of new material). If a party scores huge victories in elections, they should be allowed to govern, and then if the public disapproves of their governance, they should vote them out next time. It doesn't matter which party is in power. The public deserves the government they put in power, even if you think it’s bad. I say, bust out the nukes! Nuclear Option! Kill the filibuster! In 2010, the Democrats should pass the Harkin Plan or something like it.

Stop acting like the world is ending. You don’t need to hoard gold or guns. We’re gonna make it. In 2010, things will get better. Trust me.

Congressional Cripple Fight

Disclaimer: If you are offended by jokes about the disabled, or casual use of the word “cripple,” please stop reading now, because this isn’t gonna be pretty. But first, let me argue that whether you call them Specially-Abled Persons or Crippety Crips shouldn’t matter. PC labels do not cure them of their disability nor do labels help them garner the respect they deserve. We should accept people’s flaws rather than pretend that we don’t see them. These people are not worthless even if their legs are. Unless, their legs can be cured with medical treatment, which brings us to today’s subject.

Cripple fight in Congress! Have you ever seen two more ineffectual groups battle and bicker with each other in such a hopeless stalemate? It’s like Jimmy and Timmy on South Park. You have Timmy, who spouts the same thing over and over again, and Jimmy, talks more but still struggles.

“So we should have a…a, you know, a public option. To compete with the private companies, so they--.”

“SOCIALISM!”

“Well, okay…how ‘bout a, a, a, a weak public option, so that the private companies can, uh, do better than the public option and then it’s definitely not a socialist kinda--”

“SOCIALISM!”

“So then we can, like, make a like, a like, private plan, but, like, call it a public plan and the government would, like, you know, look at it from time to time, and be like--”

“SOCIALISM!”

The Republicans are making amazing use of what little power a 40-seat opposition has, but all they can do is stall. And they can’t win public support because they have no coherent vision, just contradictory reasons why the Democrats’ ideas are dangerous (But the one perk of being in the minority is you can do that all day long).

For example, there are two main problems with the Democrats’ health care reform: First, it will cost too much. Second, it will have death panels that will pull the plug on Grandma because they'll be SO concerned about keeping costs down, but at the same time costs will be SO high that Uncle Sam will go bankrupt or need to tax all your money.

The public option is also a huge problem. The worst part about the public option is that it will be terrible for everyone who has it. The second worst thing is that this terrible government health plan will attract everyone to it and put the good health plans out of business. People will voluntarily choose inferior, evil government health plans, putting all the good plans out of business. Americans will make these unbelievably dumb decisions, even though they are smart enough that they don't need the government to make decisions for them. Don't hurt yourself trying to understand this, especially if you have bad insurance.

Finally, the GOP is proposing an amendment requiring that all members of congress enroll in the public option. If it's so good, why don't you try it, the GOP asks, channeling the first grader in all of us. This is the second best argument the GOP has made, only surpassed by their argument that socialized medicine is bad and consumers should have choices, but should not be able to choose a public option. So, we established before that the biggest threat from the public option is that if it crowds out the private sector, people will be FORCED into it. And no one should be forced into the public plan. Except congress. (Al Franken is up for it anyway).

So the Democrats are facing an opposition which just spouts complete nonsense and is less powerful than the opposition the Republicans faced during the Bush years, but they have been unable to convince the public and are too afraid to stand up to a filibuster. The Blue Dogs are also proving difficult to convince, but it looks like after a bunch of fuss, most or all of them may come around (they’re all bark and no bite), but only after Democrats made huge compromises on the bill. Still, it’s been a helluva thing to witness. The Republicans haven’t had a leg to stand on and the Democrats have been paralyzed by fear. Looks like a cripple fight from here.

PMW UPDATE: UPDATE!

We've got t-shirts people! They're going for $30.00 + S&H. We need all the help we can get from your pockets since most of us are unemployed or working at minimum wage jobs.





We have two tshirt styles currently available which we will be transfering into a "Merch" section once we figure out how to do it. Both styles can be delivered in Men's or Women's t-shirt cuts and sizes.







Style 1: PMW Main Logo

Style 2: PMW Update Logo

Send T-Shirt Requests to PoliticalMouthWash@gmail.com, please be sure to specify size, design and color.

Regards,

Goofers

PMW Update: Oh my god is this blog still here? I am SOOooo sorry..

I want to send out a heartfelt public apology to all the readers of this blog (all six of you). I had an unfortunate job working for the Dark Lord Kromdar over the last 8 months and he gave me little if any time to blog or use my soul in any way other than to fuel his dark dominion in the undercaverns of Mt. Doom. I know, it's really no excuse to let you down and I felt that in order to maintain our credibility with the readership we needed to establish some sort of trust bond or safety blanket type thingy so that you aren't left in this kind of situation again.

If this wasn't a digital sort of pledge I'm sure we'd all spend a day together doing trust falls backward into each others arms and re-enacting our birth from the womb of forgiveness but since this is a blog, and i'm pretty sure that kind of stuff is all clap trap anyways, Let's do this... I'd like to offer you the same kind of bullshit pillow talk that the Republican party offered us way back in 1994.

I present to you:

THE POLITICAL MOUTHWASH CONTRACT WITH AMERICA!!

The Deadbeat Bloggers and Journalists at PMW declare the following:

1. We shall post every week (rain or shine) twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday.

2. We will do our best to rely less on facts (which are easy to get wrong) and try to write articles based solely on opinion and conjecture.

3. We promise to use smaller words and keep all text at a maximum of a 6th grade reading level

4. We will decrease the amount of drunk/high blog postings by 50% over the next 10 months.

5. If anybody still wants a PMW T-shirt they are officially on sale today for $30, email me for details and i can get them to you within 17 business days.

Thanks everybody for your understanding...stay weird!

America is Royally Screwed!

The problem with American politics is that it involves policy as well as pomp and circumstance. In the 2000 election, I would have voted for Gore (if I was 18), but if you had asked me who I would rather have had a beer with (if I was 18--I mean 21), I would have said Bush, as many people did. I honestly don’t think Bush beat Gore because of policy positions. People like George W. Bush win elections because, deep down, America's ideal president is a guy with a cowboy hat, twin pistols, a big belt buckle, and a giant SUV from the reddest depths of Red America who establishes the kind of center-left policies overwhelming associated with Democrats from Blue America. Sadly, the Blue Staters pushing these policies tend to be too nerdy or too urban or not pretty enough. So we end up electing the Red State Cowboy, and we get the right figurehead, but the wrong policies.

Obama is sort of an exception. He has the charisma to impress most Americans and the press loves brooding over what his wife’s wearing or what his daughters are doing. He’s the “Celebrity President.” But lately he is having trouble balancing his status as hip figurehead with his role as leftish policy wonk. Obama goes to speak at schools or stump for the Olympics, and some people like to have the president do such things, but others criticize him for “politicizing the Olympic bid” or “indoctrinating students.” We need to separate these two roles, figurehead and policy wonk. We need to separate policies from personality.

America needs a king! Just think, Obama could make his nice speeches and go out to dinner with Michelle and have no problems. No more accusations that he's politicizing anything. He's the king! That's just what he does.

For years, I mocked the British for their obsession with their royalty, for even having royalty, but now I see the error of my ways. America is no different. We need that outlet for celebrity obsession, and apparently Hollywood is not satisfying our needs. The Brits got it right. All this time we've been trying to combine Prince William and Tony Blair into a single figure. What fools we've been! Bring back monarchy! America needs a meaningless figurehead (before the president becomes one).

Idea based on comments made by Matt Yglesias

***UPDATE

So, Friday, Obama won the Nobel Prize. Another case where as king, this would have been awesome, but as President, this is a political fiasco.

GRAND OLD POUTERS: The Path to Failure

The Republicans have become the party of Kanye West and Serena Williams. Two of the biggest stories in our beloved mainstream media this week have been Serena Williams’s tirade against a line judge and Kanye West interrupting the VMAs to tell poor Taylor Swift that she did not deserve a completely worthless award (I mean MTV doesn’t even show music videos anymore, so why should their awards mean anything???)

But both these stories are perfect symbols of the Republican Party at this time. They also interrupted Obama during a speech and have been whining about the health care reform process. Obama and the Democrats are suffering, but that has more to do with the fact that the opposition during a recession doesn’t really have to do anything except bitch about those in power. It is not as if the GOP has offered people a compelling alternative on health care or any of today’s big issues.

Jason Whitlock recently wrote a great article for Fox Sports called “Serena’s a whiner, Jordan’s a winner,” basing their differences on reaction to adversity. No matter what happened to him throughout his career, Jordan simply got better and better and proved he was the best, rather than whining like Serena. If you don’t like the call, play harder, don’t whine louder.

The GOP lost badly in the last midterms and the presidential election. They need to get over it. America voted for the Democrats, so now the Democrats get to govern. This is exactly what the GOP said during the Bush years. America elected Barack Obama president and they elected big majorities to both houses, like it or not. The Republicans have to accept that they’re not going to get their way this year or next year. If they don’t like it, they had better take back congress in 2010 or beat Obama in 2012. They need to be like Mike, not Serena.

The Republicans have also been reduced to childish antics such as Joe Wilson’s interrupting the president to call him a liar. I’m sorry, but I don’t think Obama is a liar. More importantly, I doubt the GOP’s “Liar, Liar Pants on Fire” campaign will work, even if Sarah Palin is running it.

I don’t know what strategy would work for the GOP, but they should start by acting like grown-ups. Learning to raise their hands and wait their turn to speak would be nice. And, to paraphrase Bambi, “If you don’t have anything intelligent to say, don’t say anything at all.” Learn these childhood lessons, Republicans, and then come back to the grown-up’s table and talk to us.

We need an adult conversation about health care, not pictures of Obama with a Hitler mustache (a pathetic twist on juvenile behavior). But the Republicans don’t want that. All they want is to stall and obstruct the Democrats (Remember how the Democrats did that a few years ago, and the GOP said was disgraceful?).

The mainstream media wants something even worse. They want what they always want: an epic, bare-knuckle, no-holds-bar, hyphenate-filled, Steel Cage Match. A Battle Royale between Socialists and Reactionaries. They want to see the Party of No and the Party of D’oh play a childish game of hot potato with the future of our country. Their medical bills are skyrocketing too, and they gotta raise money to pay ‘em with catchy quotes and record-high ratings. They need viewers and they’re not about to put everyone to sleep with lectures on insurance exchanges or cost curves.

The only way the public will get an informative report on health care is if the Federal Commission of T-Pain deploys those crazy kids to auto-tune it for us. Help us, angry gorilla! You’re our only hope.

Was There an Election Last Year?

What in the wide world sports is going on? Obama won an election in November on a “Change” platform, but little has actually changed. Now, he can’t seem to herd the cats of congress, his approval ratings are in free fall, his town halls are being disrupted by angry mobs, and the health care bill got delayed till after Congress’s summer recess (it's fitting that congress gets recess, they’re such children).

What went wrong?

The Sudden Ending of the Unexplained Obama Love-Fest: His inflated poll numbers during his honeymoon were bound to come back down to Earth now that he’s actually doing stuff and people are forming opinions. Those numbers were based on the fact that nothing had happened.

The Public’s Memory Problem: Obama ran explicitly on health care reform. Is anybody home? This is not like Bush running on a “humble foreign policy” and then launching that misadventure in Iraq. Although, to be fair, maybe the public has just learned not to believe to politicians when they make promises.

Madame Failure and the Mormon Mime: The Senate is being led by Harry Reid (D-Nevada), the Bumbling Boxer, the Soft-spoken Westerner who is rarely speaking and never heard, the Mormon Mime. I don’t blame him perse. He seems like a nice guy and it’s not easy for a Democrat to hold office in Nevada, but clearly the Democrats made a poor choice (as usual) by putting him in charge. Whatever he’s doing isn’t working. Meanwhile, the House is run by Nancy Pelosi (D-Hippietown), aka Madame Failure. Pelosi should be recognized for pulling off a huge feat. She has been the strongest uniting force for a divided Republican Party, while somehow not bringing home the bacon for her Democratic base. Bottom line: Neither one has accomplished anything other than proving that 60 votes aren’t enough for the Democrats to pass bills. So who are Pelosi and Reid unable to convince?

Blue Dog Democrats: Meet the Blue Dogs. These moderate to conservative Democrats are on an epic quest to prove that Democrats are not tax and spenders who only waste your money. They are also wary of health care reform’s hefty price tag. They are correct to argue that few American institutions are more wasteful than the government. However, they fail to realize that one of those few institutions is the US Health Care System. We could pull ideas from a hat at random and get a less wasteful system. Opposing health care reform because it is too expensive is like wearing jeans to an interview with H&R Block because a suit would cost too much. This is what we call being pennywise and pound foolish. Despite the large startup cost, reform would probably save money in the long run. Even the Democrats should be able to create a system that is less wasteful.

Angry Mobs (WTF???): Other people are worried the government will not only spend all their money, but will take their doctors way from them. These angry mobs have been lent credibility by Sarah Palin (more sub-prime loans!) who has echoed their fears of death panels, forced euthanasia, and government-funded abortions (personally administered by Obama!). Now, these people have a right to express their opinions on health care, but so far all they’ve done is make a lot of noise and say nothing (they should run for office!). In fact, you could even say these people are patriotic (as long as you thought anti-war protesters were patriotic). If you’re like me, you’re just sick of hearing about them (another Palin connection).

Obama pulls a Reverse Clinton (no, that’s not a sex position): Traveling back in time to 1992, we can see that Bill enlisted Hillary to draft a bill and then dumped it in the hands of the 535 members of congress, assuming that they’d line up loyally like they always do. Who could have predicted that politicians like to hear themselves talk and tend to bicker over issues for months? Obama has decided instead to let congress draft its own bill, except that they’ve drafted more than one. So this means we’re debating a set of hypothetical bills, only one of which will pass. Somewhere along the lines our political system became Deal or No Deal. Alright, America! You may be holding a briefcase with the Baucus Plan or the Kennedy-Dodd Plan or the Blue Dog Plan. Now do you want to keep this briefcase? I’m on the phone with the banker and he says the insurance companies will pay you $800 billion dollars for the briefcase.

Until the Democrats agree on a final plan, we’re fighting futile battles over hypotheticals. Obama has to pull his party together soon and show that he remembers what happened last November.

***UPDATE

Hours after this post, the White House responded, changing their tune.