PMW ELECTION UPDATE! (election was over last month..nothing new to report)

DEAR JOHN...... MCCAIN! ,

HAH! (always wanted to right a Dear John letter)

I've got some terrible news for you and Red State America. I'd really like to tell you all that it was a long hard campaign and that both sides fought long and hard to secure their position as President of these United States; however, that is largely not the case. The Blue states will prevail in 2008. This is not just speculation, oh no! Such wild statements in any other political climate would be wild, reckless and negligent. But this is not any other climate. With the Dow behaving like a yo-yo on crack, nothing scares America more than 4 more years of America. I'm sorry McCain, you're an establishment candidate in the face of a change election. Obama almost didn't have to try. Perhaps the biggest loser in this election isn't you. Let's think of it this way (to make you feel better) Obama didn't have to try...but he did anyways. He raised more money in one month than you could raise in 6 months. As a point of fact, he's raised more money than any other Democratic candidate in US history. He didn't have to, what a waste of time. He could have spent the entire election in Hawaii sipping Mai Tai's and mocking an effigy of you from a distance (maybe stage a mock lynching?) It's hard to say what sort of bat-shit crazy fun he could've had if he wasn't making money and "campaigning" but it goes without saying, on an economic level his opportunity cost was much higher than yours.

So after you've completely blown this election, it's going to be difficult to keep yourself occupied. As the Executive Director of PMW I figured it was my responsibility to interview those who are mired in mediocrity kind of like yourself. Natural "losers" who will never amount to much (no offense) Let's listen to their comments! :

Tom Cruise (Reason for Losing - Scientology): Hi John, When my movie career was definitely at it's best I decided to join a cult full of wackos and halfwits. I think one reason that we are similar is that we were both good at what we originally did, that is being an appealing but un-memorable 2nd rate professional. Kind of like how you were a popular senator in Arizona about 8 years ago, I was a popular actor 18 years ago. Now that I'm not really an A-lister anymore i spend my time reading about Scientology and spending my money from Top Gun royalties on the books. Did you know it costs $3,000,000 to buy the books for OT8? OMG i love this religion, poor ass suckers will never be god like me :D


1986 Boston Red Sox (Reason for Losing - Bill Buckner): Wrong time, wrong place, why did we keep Buckner in? I think his ankle was broken right? So really John, we're nothing like you. While you are almost entirely flawed, our team had only one critically flawed component. So what should you do now that your Presidential bid is over? How about commissioner of baseball? Oh wait, no, even better. I think the Yankees need a new coach?


Balki from Perfect Strangers (Reason for Losing - Balki from Perfect Strangers): Hello John McCain!!! I love America and I love you! USA! I want to talk that your campaign has been most sexy..errr...affectionate...wait? My English is not so good yet i do believe we have much in common, yes no? Please excuse my erection of English incorrection. We are both who we are, and that is very wonderful men. We could make sweet times together? My number is 206-321-4870. Be my love.

There you have it John McCain. This is the best we could do here at PMW. While it's not much, I know you read this blog daily and i think it will do, for now. We really never supported you from the beginning but we admire the fact the you are losing in the quickest and most graceful way possible. PMW hopes that your transition into mediocrity is painless and unfulfilliing.


Sincerely
(Suck it),

Goofers McWaxalot

PROFILES IN REAL ISSUES: The Electoral College

The final debate was terrible. There was nothing funny about it. At least, nothing that hasn’t been covered by the Daily Show or Saturday Night Live. I got nothin’. Nothin’. So, moving onto to a real issue…

Elections do not come down to who has the most real votes, (see Gore, Al, 2000) but rather who has the most Make Believe Votes. Every four years, each state gets together and votes. However, they don’t actually vote on a president, they vote on a trusted Townsman to ride his horse and carriage to Washington D. C. and cast a vote for the entire town. Obviously, there was no way we could actually count up everyone’s vote. Plus, how could they all get up to Washington in their buggies? Who would watch the farm?

Well, one day, we all realized that most of us aren’t on farms and the TV figured out how to count everyone’s vote. This became apparent when the townspeople rode to Washington to vote for Bush in 2000, even though Al Gore earned more real votes. Then, we turned to the nation’s Town Elders, in their deep wisdom, to explain to us what happened. They explained to us that we were bad at making laws. “Now, children, you have proven you are too stupid to elect your president. Florida, we thought you were responsible enough to conduct your own elections. We were sorely mistaken. So, we’ll have to decide for you.” The elders voted 5-4 for Bush.

Associate Justices:
Nancy Grace, David Souter, Clarence Thomas, Stephen Breyer (Top Row)
Roy Snyder, Judge Reinhold, Judge Judy, Mike Judge (Bottom Row)
Chief Justice: Judge Dredd (center)

This led many people to say, why the town representatives or the elders decide. Let the people decide! At first glance, this seems like a good idea. But remember, the Electoral College was set up for important reasons.

1) Keep third parties out.
Do you reeeeeeeeally want this guy running the country? Look at him! LOL

2) Keep the people confused
When people understand the electoral process too clearly, they start to catch on to the necessary ways that politicians manipulate them and they try to actually advocate for themselves and take control of their own country. It also lowers electoral optimism and turnout to dangerously high levels. Remember in the primaries, the long lines at the voting booths? Some people didn’t even get to vote. They were disenfranchised, all because of high voter turnout.

3) What would the Founding Fathers say?
How dare you question the system put in place by the founding fathers? How DARE you?

Even so, I MOVE THAT WE ABOLISH THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

In this country, we let the big cities decide the election. They get more electoral votes than the American Heartland (what did Palin call it, the real America?). Even worse, this creates a liberal bias in the Electoral College, since big cities always vote Democrat. What if we let the president be elected not by the Elders, the Townspeople in the horse and carriage, or the Upper West Side? What if we let the Joe Sixpack decide? Why can't Joe the Plumber have a voice??? Look at the electoral map! Those tiny blue spots are overriding the will of the large red spots (The Mountains and Plains are proud to endorse John McCain!). The Elite, Snooty Liberal’s best friend is the Electoral College and it’s time we got rid of it.

Weekend Montage with LeVar Burton

Greetings, PMW Nation.

Waco has suggested that, given my skills on Microsoft Paint, I consider taking on a regular post in this space: the Weekend Montage. I’ll give it a shot. As the election draws near, the economy is no doubt a top issue on PMW readers’ minds. Treasury secretary Henry Paulsen appears on Mad Money and MSM mag covers about as often as President Bush these days.

I was watching CNN the other day, and I noticed that Paulsen bears a striking resemblance to one certain actor John C. McGinley. In a couple decades, McGinley will resemble Paulsen like Gul Dukat resembles Elim Garak. Perhaps he can accelerate this process with two or three packs a day, unfiltered.

I digress. Point is, these guys look a lot alike. And if Paulsen ever wants someone else to take the heat for the Dow, he can easily tap McGinley as his stand-in. I’m just sayin’.

That is all. Stay tuned for more.

LeVar

GUEST POST: The Socialist Contradiction

I pose a very basic question to Republicans who are accusing Barack Obama of adopting “socialist principals.” How are stimulus checks not a form of socialism?

Let’s back up for a second. The concept of stimulus checks is nothing new. The idea is that the government gives its citizens a check for a few hundred dollars with the idea that they are going to piss it away on DVD’s, clothing or other retail items to improve the GDP. The problem is that most people use those checks to pay their rent or pay down existing debt or other things they need which are likely not made in the United States anyways. The research is in and stimulus checks don’t work as intended especially when the economy is doing badly. This comes down to targeting. Stimulus checks are issued to those who have relatively low incomes and don’t have as much money for discretionary spending. Instead of buying stuff as they are intended, they would rather use the money to simply not be as poor.

So what does this have to do with socialism and Republicans and the election? I am glad you asked. About a week ago when Obama was talking to our favorite person ever, Joe the Plumber, (if you don’t know who he is, please invite me to the rock you have been living under or use your stimulus check to purchase a television). Obama mentioned that he was interested in trying to reduce the class warfare our country faces by changing our tax structure to favor those making less then $250,000 a year (I.E. Those who are not pretty damn wealthy). John McCain took one line he used to describe this, “spreading the wealth around”, to be the battle cry to call Obama a socialist. Now here is where I get a little confused. How are reducing taxes for poor American’s more socialist then issuing them stimulus checks, which is quite literally spreading the wealth around which John McCain supports? If you can answer that then you are smarter then I am.

The great irony is that this country has always been interested in spreading the wealth around. Have you ever wondered why social security didn’t simply pay out benefits that directly correlate to the amount of money you have contributed to it in your lifetime and no more? That would be in alignment with John McCain’s Darwinist principals as well as that of the free market but he would never get elected if he said that directly (In fairness, he remembers when there was no Social Security! -ed). So basically John McCain and George Bush support socialism but as the old saying goes, it is not that they don’t get it, it is just that they can’t sell it. Well maybe not Bush but that is a different story…Have a great day.

That is all

-Jonathan Frakes

PMW NEWS FLASH: Sudden Blow to McCain

This just in: Senator John McCain (D-AZ) has suffered a serious blow to his campaign from Senator Barack Obama. It appears McCain was Rick Roll’d by Obama! Some are saying he was Barack Roll’d. Regardless, it caught the McCain campaign offguard. Obama spokesman David Axelrod called it the campaign's “greatest accomplishment,” and a McCain spokesman admitted they would need to “respond strongly” in order to recover. CNN reported this one the “game changer” Obama needed and it could put McCain away.

The footage is here.

Also, here’s a gigantic OOPS in Upstate New York. Uhh, it was a typo. You know the “B” and “S” keys are so close on the keyboard. I don’t know whether I’m offended or simply stunned that someone was dumb enough to let this happen. Someone should be fired for utter incompetence!

If you thought things couldn’t get worse for McCain, you might have been wrong. A Troopergate report will soon be released from Alaska and some believe it could sink Palin. (Frankly, I think it’s nothing a wink and a beautiful smile can’t take care of, but you never know).

Debate III: Snoozefest II

If you’re an Undecided Voter, I have to say, I’m sorry because I don’t know if this debate helped you at all. (I also have to say…really? The choice isn’t clear? This isn’t Hillary-Obama. They barely agree on anything!) Nothing new came up tonight. Here is a truncated transcript of the debate.


John McCain: My friends, Barack Obama is naïve about foreign policy.

Barack Obama: You said we’d be greeted as liberators. I couldn’t be that naïve if I tried.

McCain: He’ll raise your taxes.

Obama: Only for the wealthiest 5%.

McCain: That includes small businesses, my friends.

Obama: Only 5% of businesses.

McCain: Well you still suck. [Insert lame joke here]

Obama [Fake laugh]

McCain: You want to bomb Pakistan. How dumb!

Obama: Only if they can’t or won’t give us bin Laden. You sang Bomb, Bomb Iran!

McCain: I was just kidding! I’m so funny. [Ridiculous grin]

Obama: [Professorial brow furrow] Yeah I need to start telling jokes like you. They’re not funny, but people think you’re more laid back and have a better sense of humor.

McCain: It’s true my friends. Heh, heh, heh. But you’re still up in the polls. It’s not fair, I’m the Maverick. You never question your party.

Obama: My party’s had much less time in power and we haven’t done anything as damaging as yours in the last eight years.

McCain: Well, you’ll win in a few weeks and then they will.

Obama: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’ve only won this debate.

McCain: Yeah, but it’s not a debate. Nobody won. We just wasted 90 minutes of America’s time sniping at each other.

Obama: Fuck…

Tom Brokaw: I’m going to whine at you for taking too much time, even though I never bothered to cut you off. This job is sweet. I don’t have to do anything. Well, undecided ladies and gentleman, I hope they gave you the sound bites you need to make your choice.

Admin Update XII: Klingons in the White House?

Greetings PMW Readers

Goofers is still on sabbatical, or whatever, although hopefully he’ll fit a few posts in here before the election. After the election, the whole staff may be taking a sabbatical (or moving Canada! The horror, the horror!). Meanwhile, I will continue covering the debates and responding to commenters.

I support our wonderful commenters in their ongoing journey toward staying on-topic. So many good points have been competing with semi-related (at best) Star Trek references. While I absolutely want to encourage limiting those references, I do offer a treat for all our Star Trek fans in PMW Nation. As always, we are maintaining a political context.

David Wu, (D-Crazytown, OR) apparently knows more about Star Trek than politics. Imagine Ron Paul in a Star Trek uniform. Nothing like making a moral argument about public policy with a Star Trek analogy! I leave it open to our commenters to determine if his analogy made sense.

Debate II: If That’s What You Could Call It

Tonight’s debate was ridiculous and unsatisfying. You know what else is ridiculous and unsatisfying? The Cubs are about to go down 2-0. How is this possible? They are cursed! They were unbeatable, unhittable, and unstoppable, and now suddenly they suck. Zambrano just threw a no-hitter and now he’s terrible? Is this a joke? Could he at least punch a Dodger? Can he do anything right? The Cubbies were supposed to be a lock for the Series. I was supposed to get a Subway Series maybe. (Actually the Chicago Transit Authority runs Elevated trains, aka the El, so it’d be an El Series, but that’s neither here nor there).

But back to the debate, Obama is way ahead in the polls. Most likely because of the sad state of the economy. Dammit, the Dodgers got another run! But seriously, back to the debate. Sarah Palin didn’t really say much substantial, but she was adorable. She looked gorgeous, she had that All-American smile, and she winked a bunch. I don’t know what that was about, but it was extremely endearing. I disagreed with everything she said, but I wanted to agree with her. She’s like a hot Reagan.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I not actually address the stated topic of what happened at the debate? Well, I was more on-topic than Sarah Palin. She routinely refused to answer questions. At one point, Biden called her on it and she admitted to it. She just stayed on her talking points. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a debate, it was a Sound-Bite-Off and she may have some good sound bites for the news to play over and over again. Biden somehow managed not to have any bad sound bites, though. So, once again, this debate may change nothing.

***UPDATE

From http://politicalwire.com/archives/2008/10/03/leaked_from_palins_debate_prep.html