Congressional Cripple Fight

Disclaimer: If you are offended by jokes about the disabled, or casual use of the word “cripple,” please stop reading now, because this isn’t gonna be pretty. But first, let me argue that whether you call them Specially-Abled Persons or Crippety Crips shouldn’t matter. PC labels do not cure them of their disability nor do labels help them garner the respect they deserve. We should accept people’s flaws rather than pretend that we don’t see them. These people are not worthless even if their legs are. Unless, their legs can be cured with medical treatment, which brings us to today’s subject.

Cripple fight in Congress! Have you ever seen two more ineffectual groups battle and bicker with each other in such a hopeless stalemate? It’s like Jimmy and Timmy on South Park. You have Timmy, who spouts the same thing over and over again, and Jimmy, talks more but still struggles.

“So we should have a…a, you know, a public option. To compete with the private companies, so they--.”

“SOCIALISM!”

“Well, okay…how ‘bout a, a, a, a weak public option, so that the private companies can, uh, do better than the public option and then it’s definitely not a socialist kinda--”

“SOCIALISM!”

“So then we can, like, make a like, a like, private plan, but, like, call it a public plan and the government would, like, you know, look at it from time to time, and be like--”

“SOCIALISM!”

The Republicans are making amazing use of what little power a 40-seat opposition has, but all they can do is stall. And they can’t win public support because they have no coherent vision, just contradictory reasons why the Democrats’ ideas are dangerous (But the one perk of being in the minority is you can do that all day long).

For example, there are two main problems with the Democrats’ health care reform: First, it will cost too much. Second, it will have death panels that will pull the plug on Grandma because they'll be SO concerned about keeping costs down, but at the same time costs will be SO high that Uncle Sam will go bankrupt or need to tax all your money.

The public option is also a huge problem. The worst part about the public option is that it will be terrible for everyone who has it. The second worst thing is that this terrible government health plan will attract everyone to it and put the good health plans out of business. People will voluntarily choose inferior, evil government health plans, putting all the good plans out of business. Americans will make these unbelievably dumb decisions, even though they are smart enough that they don't need the government to make decisions for them. Don't hurt yourself trying to understand this, especially if you have bad insurance.

Finally, the GOP is proposing an amendment requiring that all members of congress enroll in the public option. If it's so good, why don't you try it, the GOP asks, channeling the first grader in all of us. This is the second best argument the GOP has made, only surpassed by their argument that socialized medicine is bad and consumers should have choices, but should not be able to choose a public option. So, we established before that the biggest threat from the public option is that if it crowds out the private sector, people will be FORCED into it. And no one should be forced into the public plan. Except congress. (Al Franken is up for it anyway).

So the Democrats are facing an opposition which just spouts complete nonsense and is less powerful than the opposition the Republicans faced during the Bush years, but they have been unable to convince the public and are too afraid to stand up to a filibuster. The Blue Dogs are also proving difficult to convince, but it looks like after a bunch of fuss, most or all of them may come around (they’re all bark and no bite), but only after Democrats made huge compromises on the bill. Still, it’s been a helluva thing to witness. The Republicans haven’t had a leg to stand on and the Democrats have been paralyzed by fear. Looks like a cripple fight from here.