License to Spill

PMW received this statement from Tony Heyward and BP, with apologies to the Beastie Boys.

Now, here’s a little story I got to tell
About a big corporation you know too well
It started way back in history
With Barack, Sarah Palin, and us, BP

Sarah said...it’s time to drill baby drill
Barack hesitated, but said yes we will
Drilling in the soil, getting lots of oil
Till we sprung a leak and caused lots of turmoil

Our name is BP, we got a license to drill
I think you know what time is, it’s time to stop the spill
Now what do we have here? America shouldn’t fear
We’ll clean this land, you understand. We’ve made ourselves clear

So we tried the top hat, we tried the hot tap
We tried the junk shot and a huge dome cap
We even tried a system that was called top kill
But no matter what we did, oil continued to spill

We were in a tough boat, the GOP began to gloat
And right about now we need Obama to emote
The King Barack; that is my name
And I know you’re all mad but I won’t take the blame

Sarah Palin said, you know, this only goes to prove
We gotta drill on land, where it’s easier to move
She says, this is bad, the outlook ain’t sunny
But I’m writing a new book and I’m about to get money

We at BP know we’ve lost some respect
But to keep making profits is what we expect

Sarah got the money, Barack’s down in the polls
We’re facing many criminal charges, that’s cold

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN? CULTURE WARS END IN COMPROMISE

What we have here, AS USUAL, is a failure to communicate. But it's really bad this time. The culture wars are coming back and I fear they'll be worse than ever.

- The Waco Kid, previous post

Yes, here come the culture wars again. Here come ugly, nasty debates. The Amoral, Naïve Liberals vs. the Intolerant, Holier-Than-Thou Conservatives. These are issues that polarize America, that get people out in the street marching, and mostly importantly, make lots of money for political candidates.


So, I’m fed up. I want these issues to go away. They suck. So, here is my modest proposal to end the culture wars in America, so we can go back to the good old days when Obama was called an Atheist, Socialist Elitist rather than a Muslim Spy.

LET’S START WITH GAY MARRIAGE. Face it, people. Gay marriage is happening. Older folks are much more likely to be against it, so here's the deal. We're going to legalize gay marriage, but we're phasing it in slowly.

For Blue States, gay marriage will take affect in 8 years. For Swing States, 10 years. Red States, 12 years. States can ban gay marriage before then, but all bans expire at the deadline. That way, far fewer of you old folks will have to endure it and we can move on and stop debating this issue.

Also, we’re starting with Lesbian Marriage. A recent Political Mouthwash/Deadwood Pioneer poll shows that while only 50% of the country supports gay marriage, 70% support Lesbian Marriage. 80% of males opposing gay marriage in this poll agreed with the following statement: “When I said I opposed gay marriage, I was thinking of two dudes, and now that I think about it, two chicks getting married sounds hot.” This will help people warm up to the idea of gay marriage.

This plan has been approved by the Supreme Court. The Scalito Four predictably voted against it. Justice Breyer and the Liberal Ladies obviously voted for it. The plan was ruled grrrreat by "Tony the Tie Breaker" (aka Anthony Kennedy), giving it 5-4 victory.

So, gay marriage? Solved. Ground Zero Muslim Center? Immigration? Abortion? I'll get back to you...

I Quit

Am I leaving this blog? No. Not yet. This blog is may be on its last legs. I'm hoping that midterm elections inspire me to write a little, then the Grand Old Primary will begin immediately, and that could destroy my writer's block. Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Good n' Pawlenty, and Mitt from the Mitt all ripping each other to shreds for the opportunity to finish the job Old Man McCain couldn't and then take on the hardest job ever.

But right now, nothing is funny. It's all super-charged, pissy, joyless bickering. A large portion of the public is offended by the building of a mosque at Ground Zero. Remember the people who said the government's recent efforts to provide people with health care or other necessities of life were a gross infringement on our freedom? They are now demanding that the government meddle in affairs regarding private property to prevent a religious group from worshipping anywhere it wants.

That's the punchline. That's it. There's nothing funny about this. People are upset and have decided the wounds of 9/11 have overpowered their will to think rationally. This is irrational, plain and simple. Everyone's entitled to their opinions, but that doesn't mean they are logical. So the anti-Mosque folks say this is too painful for 9/11 families to endure and maybe an Islamic takeover. The pro-Mosque crowd says the anti-Mosque-itos are racists. I don't have the energy to process this anymore. Have we deteriorated to a level of dumb beasts? Is there no communication is this country?

What we have here, AS USUAL, is a failure to communicate. But it's really bad this time. The culture wars are coming back and I fear they'll be worse than ever. Already, this country is broke, many more than usual are out of work, there's no end in sight, and there's no consenus on a single policy that could help. Yet, these cultural issues are coming back already.

In addition to this mosque uproar, now illegal immigration is coming to the forefront. The job market is so bad that fewer and fewer illegals can even come here, yet somehow this issue is gaining traction again. It's another issue that devolves into yelling and name-calling. If you wanna deport all the illegals, you're a racist. If you don't, you're a naive fool who doesn't care about national security or law enforcement.

These are loaded issues where civil, productive discussion is difficult. With Mr. Post-Partisan, Let's Just Have a Beer and Tone it Down a Notch as president, if HE can't get us to chill out, no one can and it'll only be a matter of time before there's full-blown civil war.

There I go sensationalizing. That rant could well land me a job in the Mainstream Media. I'm sorry, I just care about my country's ability to have civil debates, and I fear for it. I'm gonna go turn on Glenn Beck and cry with him.

EXODUS REDUX

The world is ending! The oceans run black with oil, there’s flooding everywhere, hurricanes, melting ice, rising temperatures, widespread war. Clearly, this a repeat of Exodus, the Ten Plagues of Egypt. The Lord is raining down terror upon us, but why? Falwell and Robertson have already tried to blame the gays, or any lack of Christian morality, that’s played out. Let’s be creative. Why is God angry at America?


Marijuana is illegal:

Old cheap beers dying out:

Crackdowns on illegal immigration:

Not telling Christian zealots when they’ve gone too far:

Any other ideas?

DEAR OBAMA: Letter from America

To: President Barack “Big O” Obama
Cc: Uncle Sam, Joe “Big Mouth” Biden,
The Waco Kid, Goofers McWaxalot

Greetings. It’s the America Public. We are really tired and frustrated and pissed off. The economy’s in the shitter. There aren’t even jobs for immigrants to take from us. We’re at war in two places…right? We’ve stopped caring about that, but it still kinda sucks.

You spent a ton of money changing our health care system. We don’t really know how that’s gonna work out. You got those Wall Street laws going into place, we guess that’s good. But now we got that unstoppable oil spill, and it is making you look bad. It’s not your fault, we know, but we have to blame someone. We could blame BP, and we kinda do, but we don’t really know them. Turns out they’re British and we’re tired of blaming foreigners for stuff. We need to blame someone right here in America. You’re in charge, we gotta blame you. Don’t take it personally. We even found shit to unfairly blame on Bush.

Most of all, the economy’s doing badly and we need help. Health care and financial reform may help in the future, but we need something right now. But, not another Stimulus. We don’t like that. That cost a lot of money and didn’t really affect us directly. In fact, no more government programs. The Republicans keep saying the government makes things worse and we’re inclined to agree. But you still need to do something, so…you’re gonna have to help us without expanding government.

How ‘bout tax cuts? We like those. Except you can’t cut our programs, we like those, too. And you can't increase the debt. That’s bad too. So, you’re going to have to find Fat somewhere in the budget to cut. There must some kind of pork project you can cut that’s expensive and unnecessary. Not from my state, though. My state’s programs our crucial. You can’t cut them. Cut something from West Virginia, no one likes them.

If you could cast a magic spell on Small Businesses, that might be good. If this is too much to ask, we’ll vote Copperfield Blaine in 2012 cuz they have already promised to do this. Or maybe get the Pope to go on tour blessing all Small Businesses. At the very least, say you did something to help small businesses. That would make us happy.

Maybe this is all impossible. You better hope not, cuz we want it. And if you don’t get it, we’ll vote for someone who promises it to us. Again, this isn’t your fault, it’s just tough shit. Don’t take it personally. We re-elected W. And Nixon. Nixon! We HATED the bastard and still re-elected him.

So, at least we’re consistent about what we want, even if what we want is full of inconsistencies. Sorry, we don’t care. Honestly, try scraping to survive and then worrying about consistency at the end of the day.

You signed on for this, Mr. President. Think of something. You went to Harvard, you’re a lawyer. You’re smart. You organized on the South Side of Chicago, so you have experience working in Total Economic Clusterfucks. Figure this out. We like you. We don’t want to elect another asshole, but we will.

Laters, Big O. You’re the Best!

John Q. Public and Co.

P.S. If you can find any way to blame this on Biden, do it!

The More Things Change

Have you heard what the GOP is saying about ObamaCare?

Via Dana Milbank

"This is the largest tax bill in history," the Republican leader fumed. The reform "is unjust, unworkable, stupidly drafted and wastefully financed."

And that wasn't all. This "cruel hoax," he said, this "folly" of "bungling and waste," compared poorly to the "much less expensive" and "practical measures" favored by the Republicans.

"We must repeal," the GOP leader argued. "The Republican Party is pledged to do this."

Wait, no that was about Social Security in the 1930s.

If we pass this, "one of these days, you and I are going to spend our sunset years telling our children, and our children's children, what it once was like in America when men were free."

Wait, no that was Ronald Reagan talking about Medicare.

Here’s what they’re saying about the Immigration.

We have in the United States today hardcore, indigestible blocs which have not become integrated into the American way of life, but which, on the contrary are its deadly enemies. Today, as never before, untold millions are storming our gates for admission and those gates are cracking under the strain. The solution of the problems of [Mexico] will not come through a transplanting of those problems en masse to the United States.

No, I’m sorry, actually that was Senator Pat McCarran talking about Eastern European immigrants.

All I’m saying is Republicans need some new material. Or, if they are correct, and Big Government and Immigrants are destroying America, at least be consistent and say this has been happening for 70 years, with FDR’s Social Security and Truman’s veto of the McCarran Act, and LBJ’s Medicare. Either way, Obama has not orchestrated a sudden Socialist takeover.

T.E.A. Party like it’s 1799

Thursday was Tax Day, the day when we are all TEA partiers. But Friday I went back to thinking the tea partiers are crazy. Why?

They are the hippies of our time, except they are Right Wing hippies.

They are a Silent Majority that is neither silent nor a majority.

It stands for Taxed Enough Already. They must have come here in a DeLorean.

Back in the good ol' days, Ronald Reagan would never have raised taxes, right?

If taxes are too high for you here, move to a country with lower taxes. For lower personal and corporate taxes, your choices are Iceland, Australia, Ireland, New Zealand, Mexico, Korea, or a third-world country. I’m guessing you want to avoid learning a new language and you’re looking for somewhere sunny like Cost Rica, that narrows it down to Australia. Bon voyage, mate!

These people believe health care reform that lacks even a Public Option is a “government takeover.” If they have a problem with it, they should move with Rush Limbaugh to Costa Rica, where they can see what a government takeover of health care really looks like.

These people decided to show their concern about sky-rocketing spending and deficits after George W. Bush left office. Probably because the new president happens to be a Democrat, or maybe because he is black or has a funny name like Barack Obama, but for some reason, they suddenly decided their country was falling apart. I never thought I’d say this, but give Lou Dobbs credit. He was harassing Bush on these issues as well, so at least he is consistent.

Why don’t you write a letter to the editor stating exactly why Obama’s policies will be ineffective, rather than drawing Hitler mustaches on him or praying that the Ghost of Reagan will smite him?

It’s fine to criticize the president. I could write an entire post about things he has done wrong (I just haven't thought of a way to make it funny, and my posts have been humorless enough lately). But you have two choices, Tea Party.

Option A: Stop being ridiculously nostalgic about the past. The time’s they are a-changin’ so too bad. Whether you’re upset that the president has a funny name, or that he’s black, or simply that he’s changing things, get over it. 53% of the country voted for a president who said “Change” more than Giuliani said 9/11. You can say individual changes are bad, but you seem to be simply against Change. The whole Tea Party image is about romanticizing the past. You think you’re all little Paul Reveres, saving the country from King George (you missed your chance, that was the last president). Don’t tell me what the Founding Fathers would do. Like they would understand the internet or al Qaeda or derivatives. Don’t tell me what Reagan would do (you already guessed Never Raise Taxes and you got that wrong, folks, thanks for playing). Stop living in the past (one that you remember inaccurately). Let it go.

Option B: Get back in your DeLorean and travel back to the past. Say hi to the Gipper for me!