After years of lying dominant, it has finally returned. Not Political Mouthwash, well, that too, but I mean the GOP Presidential Primaries. Primaries are much easier to write and joke about. I am much prouder of the work I did lambasting kooky candidates than my mockery of movements, like the Tea Party, or actual policy. Let’s be honest, I was getting bitchy and wonky at the same time, so onward! Here is my ranking of 2012 primary contenders by how likely they will earn the nomination.
Front Runner: Tim "Good n' Pawlenty"
aka T-Paw aka Early Front Runner (usually a bad sign)
He’s boring, but every candidate has a fatal flaw. His path to victory should follow McCain’s in 2008. Be the boring, not crazy, candidate, take an early lead, don’t appeal to the fringe too much, run a lame campaign, fall behind, watch the crazy people destroy each other, win randomly in the last week, laugh at everyone. Then pick a random and inexperienced but super-hot, super-conservative running mate: Christine O’Donnell, this could be your comeback!
2. Mitt from the Mitt
One part of the John McCain playbook T-Paw can’t achieve is that “Next in Line” vibe that rarely fails in GOP primaries from Reagan to McCain. Here, Romney shines. He was runner-up to McCain in 2008 just as McCain was runner-up to Bush in 2000. Still, he was governor of Taxachusetts. I dunno, maybe the GOP will respond to this stump speech:“ObamaCare will destroy our economy, and while I signed into law almost the same program for Massachusetts, I believe in states’ rights, so what I did was fine. And Massachusetts is already a doomed, Liberal dystopia anyhow. How many of you Republicans care that I destroyed Massachusetts? That’s right. None of you. I did you a favor. You’re welcome.”Still, I think they’ll just ask him to run for governor of Vermont instead.
3. Newt Gingrich aka Fig Newton
America wants to forget the last decade, but Newt can with win Nineties Nostalgia! Step back, Mitt, Newt’s next in line, not you. You oppose Obama for passing nation-wide RomneyCare, but Newt was decrying Bill Clinton’s adultery even while he was cheating on his own wife. Also, he’s smarter, somehow less sleazy, and shrewd enough not to tell black babies, “Hey, you got some bling-bling.” Watch out, Mitt.
4. Michele Bachmann
aka Bachmann Turner Overbearing
Well, Sarah, there’s only room for one Mama Grizzly in this primary. You snooze, you lose. If you wish Sarah Palin was less charming and spent less time on talk shows and more time finishing out her terms in office, Michele Bachmann is your candidate. Does Palin even want to run? Too late, Bachmann definitely wants to. Sorry, Sarah, Michele is Looking Out for Number 1. You’ll have to Let it Ride. She is already Takin’ Care of Business. You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet. Also, it’s fitting that she spells Michele with only one L because she’s one ‘ell of a lunatic.
5. Ron “my son outranks me now” PaulHe’s still running. He still opposes a large, active military. He’ll divide the true Tea Partiers and the generic Republicans trying to ride the wave, which is exactly how to lose a primary. He’s a real longshot, but he’ll make things much more entertaining.
6. Rick “Google Me Right Now” Santorum
Don’t do it. Definitely stop reading at “frothy.”
7. Huck
He may not even run, but he could. He has more charm than anyone in the field. Most of all, I think Chuck Norris wants this to happen, and if he campaigns for Huck again, Huck could win easily.
8. Sarah Palin aka Sarah P the Pharisee
See Bachmann. Also, what a relief that the media is finally getting bored of her.
9. Trump aka Wait, WHAT?
Campaign Strategy: Obama? Fired.
On the Issues: Terrorists? Fired. Recession? Fired. Taxes? Fired. Debt? Fired. High gas prices? I’m proud to introduce new Trump Gas Stations. Best gas stations in the world. Period! They’ll solve the gas crisis. Guranteed!
Finally, a very special season of Vice Presidential Apprentice. It’s gonna be huge!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Monday, September 13, 2010
Opt Out of America
Many people argue tirelessly that the federal government is the problem, not the solution. The question is, do any of them mean it? Conservatives have lamented the Obama administration's excessive spending and regulating, some going as far as bringing up secession.
I think it's time we called their bluff! Let them secede! The fact is none of these states have the balls to secede, and Texas and Florida are the only states that have a prayer of surviving on their own. Red States survive because they are highly subsidized primarily by the Blue States and by big cities, which tend to be more liberal. Basically, for all their complaining about welfare, most of Red America is leeching off a giant welfare system. If they don't like federal spending, let's see how long they can survive without federal subsidies. I bet they come crawlin' back real fast!
As we ask ourselves which corporations are too big to fail, we should ask, is the United States of America too big to succeed? Did the Health Care Fiasco of 2009, with all those town halls and protests and Tea Parties, prove that Democracy doesn't work for a country of 300 million? Can we agree on anything? There's sort of agreement that the Obama has been a disappointment, but why? (hint: ridiculous expectations) Some say he's catering to the liberal base and changing things too much. Some say he sold out his base and is too conservative. Some say he's a weak, naive dreamer. Some say he's just another corrupt Chicago politician. Our nation encompasses so many viewpoints, regions, climates, and demographics. We have people from thousands of miles away telling New Yorkers where they should build a mosque.
What holds us together? In the wake of the Civil War, we were sharply divided, North and South. Now, we're fragmented, divided in muliple ways on a multitude of issues. What do New York and Texas have in common? Florida and Washington (DC or State)? Really, the only thing similarity is that the British wanted all this land for themselves.
Many people say that what makes America great is our diversity. Not just the Black History Month kind of diversity. Also, that we have the "Left Coast," the Libertarian West, Texas, the Midwest, The Deep South, and the East Coast all in one country. That we have Gun Nuts and Soccer Moms, Hippies and Socialites, Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck, John Stewart and Dr Phil (well, maybe not Dr. Phil). And I agree. This is part of what makes this country so great. It's like the Beatles. They were great because they had John Lennon and Paul McCartney, two great musicians with very different approaches. John thought Paul was pretentious, Paul thought John was a hippie, but they made it work, and they were one of the greatest groups of their time.
It's worth noting that the Beatles broke up after 10 years. Other bands lasted much longer, but should have broken up sooner (see Led Zeppelin; U2; Weezer). It's pretty amazing that the Beatles lasted 10 years. The same goes for the USA. Maybe it's time to break up. We have discussed whether states would be able to opt out of health care reforms. They should be able to opt out of America!
Let some states do those solo projects they wanted to do, like that Free Market Paradise, where the government is small enough to drown in a bathtub (it'll flop, I guarantee it!). Then we can have a reunion tour in a couple decades, when states are bankrupt or recovering from drug problems, assuming that none of them ends up like John Lennon.
I think it's time we called their bluff! Let them secede! The fact is none of these states have the balls to secede, and Texas and Florida are the only states that have a prayer of surviving on their own. Red States survive because they are highly subsidized primarily by the Blue States and by big cities, which tend to be more liberal. Basically, for all their complaining about welfare, most of Red America is leeching off a giant welfare system. If they don't like federal spending, let's see how long they can survive without federal subsidies. I bet they come crawlin' back real fast!
As we ask ourselves which corporations are too big to fail, we should ask, is the United States of America too big to succeed? Did the Health Care Fiasco of 2009, with all those town halls and protests and Tea Parties, prove that Democracy doesn't work for a country of 300 million? Can we agree on anything? There's sort of agreement that the Obama has been a disappointment, but why? (hint: ridiculous expectations) Some say he's catering to the liberal base and changing things too much. Some say he sold out his base and is too conservative. Some say he's a weak, naive dreamer. Some say he's just another corrupt Chicago politician. Our nation encompasses so many viewpoints, regions, climates, and demographics. We have people from thousands of miles away telling New Yorkers where they should build a mosque.
What holds us together? In the wake of the Civil War, we were sharply divided, North and South. Now, we're fragmented, divided in muliple ways on a multitude of issues. What do New York and Texas have in common? Florida and Washington (DC or State)? Really, the only thing similarity is that the British wanted all this land for themselves.
Many people say that what makes America great is our diversity. Not just the Black History Month kind of diversity. Also, that we have the "Left Coast," the Libertarian West, Texas, the Midwest, The Deep South, and the East Coast all in one country. That we have Gun Nuts and Soccer Moms, Hippies and Socialites, Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck, John Stewart and Dr Phil (well, maybe not Dr. Phil). And I agree. This is part of what makes this country so great. It's like the Beatles. They were great because they had John Lennon and Paul McCartney, two great musicians with very different approaches. John thought Paul was pretentious, Paul thought John was a hippie, but they made it work, and they were one of the greatest groups of their time.
It's worth noting that the Beatles broke up after 10 years. Other bands lasted much longer, but should have broken up sooner (see Led Zeppelin; U2; Weezer). It's pretty amazing that the Beatles lasted 10 years. The same goes for the USA. Maybe it's time to break up. We have discussed whether states would be able to opt out of health care reforms. They should be able to opt out of America!
Let some states do those solo projects they wanted to do, like that Free Market Paradise, where the government is small enough to drown in a bathtub (it'll flop, I guarantee it!). Then we can have a reunion tour in a couple decades, when states are bankrupt or recovering from drug problems, assuming that none of them ends up like John Lennon.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
License to Spill
PMW received this statement from Tony Heyward and BP, with apologies to the Beastie Boys.
Now, here’s a little story I got to tell
About a big corporation you know too well
It started way back in history
With Barack, Sarah Palin, and us, BP
Sarah said...it’s time to drill baby drill
Barack hesitated, but said yes we will
Drilling in the soil, getting lots of oil
Till we sprung a leak and caused lots of turmoil
Our name is BP, we got a license to drill
I think you know what time is, it’s time to stop the spill
Now what do we have here? America shouldn’t fear
We’ll clean this land, you understand. We’ve made ourselves clear
So we tried the top hat, we tried the hot tap
We tried the junk shot and a huge dome cap
We even tried a system that was called top kill
But no matter what we did, oil continued to spill
We were in a tough boat, the GOP began to gloat
And right about now we need Obama to emote
The King Barack; that is my name
And I know you’re all mad but I won’t take the blame
Sarah Palin said, you know, this only goes to prove
We gotta drill on land, where it’s easier to move
She says, this is bad, the outlook ain’t sunny
But I’m writing a new book and I’m about to get money
We at BP know we’ve lost some respect
But to keep making profits is what we expect
Sarah got the money, Barack’s down in the polls
We’re facing many criminal charges, that’s cold
Now, here’s a little story I got to tell
About a big corporation you know too well
It started way back in history
With Barack, Sarah Palin, and us, BP
Sarah said...it’s time to drill baby drill
Barack hesitated, but said yes we will
Drilling in the soil, getting lots of oil
Till we sprung a leak and caused lots of turmoil
Our name is BP, we got a license to drill
I think you know what time is, it’s time to stop the spill
Now what do we have here? America shouldn’t fear
We’ll clean this land, you understand. We’ve made ourselves clear
So we tried the top hat, we tried the hot tap
We tried the junk shot and a huge dome cap
We even tried a system that was called top kill
But no matter what we did, oil continued to spill
We were in a tough boat, the GOP began to gloat
And right about now we need Obama to emote
The King Barack; that is my name
And I know you’re all mad but I won’t take the blame
Sarah Palin said, you know, this only goes to prove
We gotta drill on land, where it’s easier to move
She says, this is bad, the outlook ain’t sunny
But I’m writing a new book and I’m about to get money
We at BP know we’ve lost some respect
But to keep making profits is what we expect
Sarah got the money, Barack’s down in the polls
We’re facing many criminal charges, that’s cold
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN? CULTURE WARS END IN COMPROMISE
What we have here, AS USUAL, is a failure to communicate. But it's really bad this time. The culture wars are coming back and I fear they'll be worse than ever.- The Waco Kid, previous post
Yes, here come the culture wars again. Here come ugly, nasty debates. The Amoral, Naïve Liberals vs. the Intolerant, Holier-Than-Thou Conservatives. These are issues that polarize America, that get people out in the street marching, and mostly importantly, make lots of money for political candidates.
So, I’m fed up. I want these issues to go away. They suck. So, here is my modest proposal to end the culture wars in America, so we can go back to the good old days when Obama was called an Atheist, Socialist Elitist rather than a Muslim Spy.
LET’S START WITH GAY MARRIAGE. Face it, people. Gay marriage is happening. Older folks are much more likely to be against it, so here's the deal. We're going to legalize gay marriage, but we're phasing it in slowly.
For Blue States, gay marriage will take affect in 8 years. For Swing States, 10 years. Red States, 12 years. States can ban gay marriage before then, but all bans expire at the deadline. That way, far fewer of you old folks will have to endure it and we can move on and stop debating this issue.
Also, we’re starting with Lesbian Marriage. A recent Political Mouthwash/Deadwood Pioneer poll shows that while only 50% of the country supports gay marriage, 70% support Lesbian Marriage. 80% of males opposing gay marriage in this poll agreed with the following statement: “When I said I opposed gay marriage, I was thinking of two dudes, and now that I think about it, two chicks getting married sounds hot.” This will help people warm up to the idea of gay marriage.
This plan has been approved by the Supreme Court. The Scalito Four predictably voted against it. Justice Breyer and the Liberal Ladies obviously voted for it. The plan was ruled grrrreat by "Tony the Tie Breaker" (aka Anthony Kennedy), giving it 5-4 victory.So, gay marriage? Solved. Ground Zero Muslim Center? Immigration? Abortion? I'll get back to you...
Monday, August 16, 2010
I Quit
Am I leaving this blog? No. Not yet. This blog is may be on its last legs. I'm hoping that midterm elections inspire me to write a little, then the Grand Old Primary will begin immediately, and that could destroy my writer's block. Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Good n' Pawlenty, and Mitt from the Mitt all ripping each other to shreds for the opportunity to finish the job Old Man McCain couldn't and then take on the hardest job ever.
But right now, nothing is funny. It's all super-charged, pissy, joyless bickering. A large portion of the public is offended by the building of a mosque at Ground Zero. Remember the people who said the government's recent efforts to provide people with health care or other necessities of life were a gross infringement on our freedom? They are now demanding that the government meddle in affairs regarding private property to prevent a religious group from worshipping anywhere it wants.
That's the punchline. That's it. There's nothing funny about this. People are upset and have decided the wounds of 9/11 have overpowered their will to think rationally. This is irrational, plain and simple. Everyone's entitled to their opinions, but that doesn't mean they are logical. So the anti-Mosque folks say this is too painful for 9/11 families to endure and maybe an Islamic takeover. The pro-Mosque crowd says the anti-Mosque-itos are racists. I don't have the energy to process this anymore. Have we deteriorated to a level of dumb beasts? Is there no communication is this country?
What we have here, AS USUAL, is a failure to communicate. But it's really bad this time. The culture wars are coming back and I fear they'll be worse than ever. Already, this country is broke, many more than usual are out of work, there's no end in sight, and there's no consenus on a single policy that could help. Yet, these cultural issues are coming back already.
In addition to this mosque uproar, now illegal immigration is coming to the forefront. The job market is so bad that fewer and fewer illegals can even come here, yet somehow this issue is gaining traction again. It's another issue that devolves into yelling and name-calling. If you wanna deport all the illegals, you're a racist. If you don't, you're a naive fool who doesn't care about national security or law enforcement.
These are loaded issues where civil, productive discussion is difficult. With Mr. Post-Partisan, Let's Just Have a Beer and Tone it Down a Notch as president, if HE can't get us to chill out, no one can and it'll only be a matter of time before there's full-blown civil war.
There I go sensationalizing. That rant could well land me a job in the Mainstream Media. I'm sorry, I just care about my country's ability to have civil debates, and I fear for it. I'm gonna go turn on Glenn Beck and cry with him.
Friday, June 11, 2010
EXODUS REDUX
The world is ending! The oceans run black with oil, there’s flooding everywhere, hurricanes, melting ice, rising temperatures, widespread war. Clearly, this a repeat of Exodus, the Ten Plagues of Egypt. The Lord is raining down terror upon us, but why? Falwell and Robertson have already tried to blame the gays, or any lack of Christian morality, that’s played out. Let’s be creative. Why is God angry at America?
Marijuana is illegal:
Old cheap beers dying out:
Marijuana is illegal:
Crackdowns on illegal immigration:
Not telling Christian zealots when they’ve gone too far:
Any other ideas?
Friday, June 4, 2010
DEAR OBAMA: Letter from America
To: President Barack “Big O” Obama
Cc: Uncle Sam, Joe “Big Mouth” Biden,
The Waco Kid, Goofers McWaxalot
Greetings. It’s the America Public. We are really tired and frustrated and pissed off. The economy’s in the shitter. There aren’t even jobs for immigrants to take from us. We’re at war in two places…right? We’ve stopped caring about that, but it still kinda sucks.
You spent a ton of money changing our health care system. We don’t really know how that’s gonna work out. You got those Wall Street laws going into place, we guess that’s good. But now we got that unstoppable oil spill, and it is making you look bad. It’s not your fault, we know, but we have to blame someone. We could blame BP, and we kinda do, but we don’t really know them. Turns out they’re British and we’re tired of blaming foreigners for stuff. We need to blame someone right here in America. You’re in charge, we gotta blame you. Don’t take it personally. We even found shit to unfairly blame on Bush.
Most of all, the economy’s doing badly and we need help. Health care and financial reform may help in the future, but we need something right now. But, not another Stimulus. We don’t like that. That cost a lot of money and didn’t really affect us directly. In fact, no more government programs. The Republicans keep saying the government makes things worse and we’re inclined to agree. But you still need to do something, so…you’re gonna have to help us without expanding government.
How ‘bout tax cuts? We like those. Except you can’t cut our programs, we like those, too. And you can't increase the debt. That’s bad too. So, you’re going to have to find Fat somewhere in the budget to cut. There must some kind of pork project you can cut that’s expensive and unnecessary. Not from my state, though. My state’s programs our crucial. You can’t cut them. Cut something from West Virginia, no one likes them.
If you could cast a magic spell on Small Businesses, that might be good. If this is too much to ask, we’ll vote Copperfield Blaine in 2012 cuz they have already promised to do this. Or maybe get the Pope to go on tour blessing all Small Businesses. At the very least, say you did something to help small businesses. That would make us happy.
Maybe this is all impossible. You better hope not, cuz we want it. And if you don’t get it, we’ll vote for someone who promises it to us. Again, this isn’t your fault, it’s just tough shit. Don’t take it personally. We re-elected W. And Nixon. Nixon! We HATED the bastard and still re-elected him.
So, at least we’re consistent about what we want, even if what we want is full of inconsistencies. Sorry, we don’t care. Honestly, try scraping to survive and then worrying about consistency at the end of the day.
You signed on for this, Mr. President. Think of something. You went to Harvard, you’re a lawyer. You’re smart. You organized on the South Side of Chicago, so you have experience working in Total Economic Clusterfucks. Figure this out. We like you. We don’t want to elect another asshole, but we will.
Laters, Big O. You’re the Best!
John Q. Public and Co.
P.S. If you can find any way to blame this on Biden, do it!
Cc: Uncle Sam, Joe “Big Mouth” Biden,
The Waco Kid, Goofers McWaxalot
Greetings. It’s the America Public. We are really tired and frustrated and pissed off. The economy’s in the shitter. There aren’t even jobs for immigrants to take from us. We’re at war in two places…right? We’ve stopped caring about that, but it still kinda sucks.
You spent a ton of money changing our health care system. We don’t really know how that’s gonna work out. You got those Wall Street laws going into place, we guess that’s good. But now we got that unstoppable oil spill, and it is making you look bad. It’s not your fault, we know, but we have to blame someone. We could blame BP, and we kinda do, but we don’t really know them. Turns out they’re British and we’re tired of blaming foreigners for stuff. We need to blame someone right here in America. You’re in charge, we gotta blame you. Don’t take it personally. We even found shit to unfairly blame on Bush.
Most of all, the economy’s doing badly and we need help. Health care and financial reform may help in the future, but we need something right now. But, not another Stimulus. We don’t like that. That cost a lot of money and didn’t really affect us directly. In fact, no more government programs. The Republicans keep saying the government makes things worse and we’re inclined to agree. But you still need to do something, so…you’re gonna have to help us without expanding government.
How ‘bout tax cuts? We like those. Except you can’t cut our programs, we like those, too. And you can't increase the debt. That’s bad too. So, you’re going to have to find Fat somewhere in the budget to cut. There must some kind of pork project you can cut that’s expensive and unnecessary. Not from my state, though. My state’s programs our crucial. You can’t cut them. Cut something from West Virginia, no one likes them.
If you could cast a magic spell on Small Businesses, that might be good. If this is too much to ask, we’ll vote Copperfield Blaine in 2012 cuz they have already promised to do this. Or maybe get the Pope to go on tour blessing all Small Businesses. At the very least, say you did something to help small businesses. That would make us happy.
Maybe this is all impossible. You better hope not, cuz we want it. And if you don’t get it, we’ll vote for someone who promises it to us. Again, this isn’t your fault, it’s just tough shit. Don’t take it personally. We re-elected W. And Nixon. Nixon! We HATED the bastard and still re-elected him.
So, at least we’re consistent about what we want, even if what we want is full of inconsistencies. Sorry, we don’t care. Honestly, try scraping to survive and then worrying about consistency at the end of the day.
You signed on for this, Mr. President. Think of something. You went to Harvard, you’re a lawyer. You’re smart. You organized on the South Side of Chicago, so you have experience working in Total Economic Clusterfucks. Figure this out. We like you. We don’t want to elect another asshole, but we will.
Laters, Big O. You’re the Best!
John Q. Public and Co.
P.S. If you can find any way to blame this on Biden, do it!
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