You Gotta Fight…Pastor Wright…For Your PARTY!

Your primary’s going long, man, Hillary needs to go
Everyone asks her please but she still says NO!
You thought you dodged a scandal but it just didn’t work
Cuz your preacher preaches crap like he’s some kinda jerk.

You Gotta Fight…Pastor Wright…For Your PARTY!

PMW awards the Least Gracious Idiot prize to the Wrong Reverend Jeremiah Wright. After Obama kindly put up with his crazy rants, he has continued to make controversial statements. Hopefully, this will help Obama, as it diversifies Rev. Wright’s Greatest Hits, which previously included such gems as “G.D. America” (apparently he’s still learning the Ten Commandments) and “Louis Farrakhan epitomizes greatness” (apparently he is bat-shit insane). While he recently showed a softer side, a sense of humor, and some reasonable beliefs, he also saw fit to reemphasize his belief that the government created AIDS to kill black people.

So this forced Obama to cut this wacko loose. If he’s lucky, it gives him the one-two punch of initially showing gutsy compassion for his pastor in a time of need, but ultimately demonstrating that he will only tolerate so much and is not a pushover. If he’s unlucky, he takes on the Flip Flopper Label. If you know your political chemistry, you know that Elitism + Flipping ---> John Kerry. This perfect storm would destroy him.

What will happen to Obama? Will Wright ever shut up? Will people care? Tune in next week for the answer and for the sequel, which covers John McCain’s campaign: “No Sleep Till the Cameras Turn Off.”

PROFILES OF REAL ISSUES: Education

I’m not too impressed with the average person’s body of knowledge. I’m not gonna lie; I think many people are dumb (or at least wouldn’t have known to put a semicolon there). That probably makes me an elitist (although for the record, I do not read books per se and I haven’t memorized any literary passages, so does that count for anything?). Bob Herbert noted last week in the New York Times (The Elitist’s Bible) that:

“A recent survey of teenagers…found that a quarter could not identify Adolf Hitler, a third did not know that the Bill of Rights guaranteed freedom of speech and religion, and fewer than half knew that the Civil War took place between 1850 and 1900.”

Solution: Education. That means reading the news, going back to school, and being informed, rather than voting for the candidate who gives the best speeches or who you’re familiar with or seems tough. I know, I know, that sounds unpleasant (did I mention I don’t read books per se?). As a lazy person, I sympathize with you. I only read the news to avoid studying or doing chores…so, wait a minute, let’s try something else. To have our cake and eat it too, we have to revitalize our democracy without doing the work ourselves.

We need to make America's children do it. Pass the responsibility on to future generations! Who’s with me? We’re a lost cause anyhow. At this point, we’ve all become entrenched in our place in this democracy of (1) being judgmental, (2) singing Kumbayah, or (3) drinking our indifference away (I am torn between singing and drinking and prefer to just combine the two).

The children are our future. They could turn it around. Put them to work! Make them figure things out. Teach them how to use their minds. When they start calling us out for being idiots, we’ll know we’ve done our job. And really, they’ll have done most of the work.

Education: Our democracy saved. Our children prepared. We do nothing. Win-win-win!

GUEST POST by GENE SHALIT

Today, PMW has received its first prestigious guest post from NBC’s Gene Shalit. He is known as one of the punniest move critics in the nation and he rocks that crazy handlebar mustache.

This general election was set up to be No Country for Old Men. McCain had no chance. But now the primaries are getting ugly and after this Philadelphia Story, let me tell you, There Will Be Blood.

Hillary is hoping to survive until the Colorado convention, where she and the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels who advise her will try to steal the nomination. Obama’s candidacy could go from the Man Who Would Be King to Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead.

Mr. Shalit went on like this, but we decided to cut him off here. His became progressively less funny until he started actually reviewing movies that recently came out.

Barack Obama may want to forget Hillary Clinton, but no one will be Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This movie is hilarious! I have a handlebar mustache!

We attempted to salvage his post by steering him toward political movies. He had no puns for us, but he shared a few interesting thoughts. He loved the movie SiCKO, saying Michael Moore made him feel thin. He then apologized for the poor quality of his post, as politics is "not his thing," but he was the best celebrity PMW could get.

Super Tuesday Redux: I’m Exhausted

Just like on Super Tuesday and every damn big primary Tuesday since, we had another election night that could have been written by J. J. Abrams. These elections are more hyped than any Lost episode and reveal far less. Here is the breakdown of the numbers:

Clinton’s Margin of Victory and Outcome

Less than 4 Clinton drops out

4-6 Clinton stays in, but no one cares

7-10 Uncertain, The Waco Kid slams his head into wall repeatedly

More than 10 Clinton regains a shred of credibility

Yes, the survey says 10% victory for Hillary. Once again, tonight we learn nothing! We continue to go in circles. Hillary’s victory seems impossible, but her elimination seems impossible, too. Her ghost will haunt Obama from the convention to the presidential debates. So, I am frustrated and exhausted.

This is terrible for me. It’s my job to cover this election (An angry commenter once told me, “Don’t quit your day job,” but I’m currently unable to find a day job). I can’t write anymore about this worthless rivalry. They agree on the issues almost entirely. I’ve already made jokes about potential endings, the endlessness of it all, and how bad the media coverage is. At this point, I may have to rely heavily on racist and sexist humor or else simply post papers I’ve written for school. This is like Chinese water torture. I can’t go on. I’m exhausted.

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN?: Pennsylvania Postpones Primary

In an defiant act that left The Waco Kid with an aneurysm, The Keystone Light State decided to postpone its primary elections another four weeks. State Democratic Party officials saw this is move as being in the best interests of the people of Pennsylvania.






“Our economy is in the tank, but the relentless campaigning here has produced a turnaround,” decreed PA Governor Ed Rendell, a Hillary supporter. "If we hold this election now, our gains will be reversed and Pennsylvania’s economy will spiral downward with the rest of the Rustbelt States." He added, “Both my candidate and Obama have spent the last six weeks arguing over what’s best for the struggling, working people of this great state. Well, this is the answer: more campaigning.”




Senator Bob Casey, an Obama supporter, agreed that this was what the people of Pennsylvania needed. “The more campaigning we have here, the less pork I have to bring home in the Senate and the more I can focus on the issues I believe in. So please, if you want me to serve the country and not the special interests, we MUST delay this election!”






All other 49 states signed a petition in opposition to this course of action, making this the most nationally unpopular political act ever. This is the first time 49 states have agreed on anything since Walter Mondale ran against Reagan in 1984 (except for the Patriot Act, but that was the political equivalent of getting rufied). Howard Dean vowed to strip The Quaker Oats State of all its delegates. Gov. Rendell balked at the idea, mocking Dean. “You can’t stop us. What’re you gonna do? Scream?” So, sadly, we face four more weeks of campaigning here. Madness...



Disclaimer: Political Mouthwash did not receive compensation for its mention of Keystone © or Quaker Oats ® and this does not qualify as product placement. PMW does not officially endorse either product, although The Waco Kid highly recommends Quaker Oatmeal, but not Keystone Light. As a superior alternative to Keystone if you are in PA, I recommend Yuengling Lager or plunging off the Ben Franklin Bridge.

PROFILES OF REAL ISSUES: Health Care

HILLARYCARE 2.0
Campaign Strategy: “This is my plan, it’s the BEST. And dammit, we’re gonna do it, no matter what the Republicans say.”
Coverage Claims: 100% of Americans vs. Obama’s 90% (that’s still an A where I come from)
Actual Coverage: 98-99% vs. 97-98% (Sorry, Paul Krugman, her plan is not perfect)
Benefits: Mandates are likely to increase coverage.
Pitfalls: Mandates are not a guarantee. Also, they make it easier to portray her program as Socialist.



OBAMEDICARE©
Campaign Strategy: “People don’t want to be forced to buy insurance, but they’ll probably just buy it anyway if you make it cheap enough.”
Coverage Claims: “Uh…both are probably very good, but mine cuts costs more.”
Actual Coverage: Hillary’s is likely a bit higher (see above).
Benefits: It may do more to reduce costs. Mandates backfire if costs are not reduced enough (Some people in Massachusetts actually pay fines rather than obey health care mandates)
Pitfalls: Hillary is probably right in this case that mandates generally increase coverage. (Even a clock that’s stopped is right twice a day!)




McHEALTHCARE
(Has a name fit for a McDonald’s menu and coincidentally sounds like a cheap, unhealthy product)
Campaign Strategy: “Hey, at least it’s not socialized medicine. Leave that to the Dumbocrats.”
Coverage Claims: “We really should focus on Foreign Policy. If we leave Iraq, the terrorists will follow us home, so really we save lives by staying in Iraq.”
Actual Coverage: Undetermined. Although, the longer we stay in Iraq, the more we can classify our health care spending as military spending! That could work, I mean, those military hospitals have offered our troops good care, right?
Benefits: Allows McCain to focus on the issues he’s more comfortable with. It’s also not ambitious at all, which greatly reduces the chances of failure.
Pitfalls: Reveals McCain’s discomfort with domestic issues. Also, his lack of interest in this issue suggests he is not expecting to make it through 8 years in the Oval Office.



WINNER: UNDETERMINED. Depends on how shallow, vapid, and worthless the media coverage of this issue will be.


The above campaign quotes are not direct quotes, but they are flawless interpretations of campaign platforms.

Obamedicare ® is a copyright of Political Mouthwash. If you steal it, you’ll only increase our blog’s credibility.

THANK YOU, COLIN POWELL!

As John McCain and Barack Obama battle it out for the title of Most Beloved by Independents, we now remember that no one has captured the love of Independents and Moderates than Colin Powell. Many people single-handedly credit him with giving Bush’s case for war credibility. “Oh well, Powell was for the war, I mean, how could I say no to him?” Much like McNamara in Vietnam, this former Secretary of State and voice of reason fell quickly from grace. Unlike McNamara, Powell is trying to fix his mistake now.

On Thursday, Powell, echoing PMW criticisms of the war, said that troop levels must be reduced during the next presidency. This is a huge blow to McCain, who Powell has frequently praised, as McCain is known for emphasizing a need for US troops to stay in Iraq and has not offered support for any possible troop cuts.

The question is: If the darling of the Middle has abandoned McCain on this issue, will this finally destroy his Maverick image? Obama has stolen his mantle of being fresh, anti-Washington, pro-change, and “more in-touch with the people” and McCain’s age will certainly be an issue. If the public sides with Powell on Iraq, he’s dead in the water. If he abandons his signature issue, he’ll look like an idiot, and will be left only with the economy, which he admits to knowing nothing about. If he sticks with it, he’ll have no chance. So if this works, opponents of the war owe Colin Powell a huge THANK YOU.

But wait, there’s more! Obama consults Powell on foreign affairs, so if you think about it, it's not totally impossible for…Obama/Powell 2008. That would be a powerhouse ticket. Also, imagine what that does to the prospects of Obama being assassinated. Shoot the black president, what do you get? ANOTHER BLACK PRESIDENT! Take that, racists!