GUEST POST by David Copperfield

My Fellow Americans

Today, we stand on the brink of oblivion. Washington has failed to act to save our country from financial breakdown. You, the American people, made your position clear. You wanted the government to act, for once, to help you, the people, and not the corporations and special interests. Too often, they stand by and do nothing, or else give handouts to fat cats while you, the hard working people of America, are left for dead. It’s wrong.

You wanted a bailout, but you did not want a plan that spent $700 billion of your money. This mess is not your fault, so why should you pay your tax dollars to fix it? You asked congress to pass a bailout bill that cost you little or nothing. Congress failed you. McCain failed you. Obama failed you. But there is one last hope for America.

I stand before you today declaring my Presidency for the United States. I will stop this crisis without costing you a dime. I humbly ask for your support.

Copperfield-Blaine 2008
A Magical Opportunity for a Country in Need

Debate I: Epic Snoozefest

If you missed the debate, SPOILER: nothing happened all night. Obama scored some underwhelming, inevitable hits on Iraq. McCain scolded Obama as a naïve novice. Ultimately, it was not the “game changer,” the press was looking for. It actually got pretty boring after awhile. (But it was better than Gipped Us and Snuffleupagus harping on William Ayers and they didn't ask about McCain's houses)

Luckily, CNN – HD was there to entertain me. A panel of CNN correspondents was there to rate the candidates in real time alongside an audience tracker that had different colored moving lines that engaged viewers as shiny keys entertain a baby or small animal. CNN’s panel was perfectly balanced, with 2 Democratic hacks, 2 GOP hacks, and 2 non-partisan staffers sworn against taking sides.

CNN is clearly on a mission to become the No Bias No Bull Network, the independent alternative to Fox Noise and MS Now Bashing Conservatives. Most anchors convey as little emotion as possible (none better than Robotic Boob Wolf Blitzer) with the exception of personality-driven Lou Dobbs, with his Independent’s Convention (because let’s face it, both parties are failing this country when it comes to bashing immigrants).

CNN Debate Scoring Panel, Formerly The Best Political News Team of All Time

Paul Begala: Democratic Hack, Clintonista, Crossfire Host (got owned by Jon Stewart)

Donna Brazile: Democratic Strategist. A smart woman, but she ran Al Gore’s presidential campaign, so she is a hack by default.

Alex Castellanos: Former Romney advisor, clearly he’s still on Romney’s payroll and Romney paid him $100 every time he marked his scorecard (he gave McCain a point while he and Obama were taking the stage!?!)

Bill Bennett: Republican Strategist. He gave McCain a victory on points halfway through and then stopped scoring. Most likely, he got bored and went out for a second dinner (actually, not a bad choice).

Gloria Borger: CNN No Bias No Bull Representative, said Obama won on points. She hilariously refrained from marking any points for the first 30 minutes of the debate, by far the most entertaining part of the night.

John King: CNN No Bias No Bull Rep, Respected and Distinguished MSM Correspondent (1 of 5 nationwide). I was waiting for him come out with his Giant Google Map and show us which counties thought Obama won the debate.

I have nothing to report on post-debate spin because my friends and I drank every time Castellanos marked his scorecard. I don’t remember anything after the debate except that Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade holds up surprisingly well on a second viewing. Commenters, feel free to elaborate on this (the post-debate coverage or Indiana Jones).

WALL STREET CRISIS: Rich people forced to care about recession

Amidst all this economic turmoil, congress is now fervently debating the best way to bail out all these corporations. Some of them, like Lehman Brothers, apparently are not that important and can be forced to suffer for their stupidity. However, others, like AIG, are vital to our economy and must be saved. The fate of all working people depends on the survival of a corporation. (Hey, Bush can’t be wrong every time!)

I interviewed different politicians to hear their ideas about this crisis.

Sarah Palin: The hard working people of America are now the victims of a terrible crime: Greed. Greed on Wall Street has taken advantage of the people and we will offer all the help we can. I propose a special kit for all those who got screwed by a corporation. Unfortunately, it’s crucial that they pay for their own kits.

Joe Biden: John McCain is trying to blame this on the Democrats! He must think the voters are complete idiots! Come on, people! Wake up!

Barack Obama: I will the bring the change we need to Washington. I will change our policies and fight for working families. Specifics? Well, I’ll put end to the generally excessive de-regulation and enact policies which involve a sensible amount of regulation. Yes, I know, that’s vague, but the voters will choose vague over obviously wrong. The voters know McCain knows nothing about the economy. How? Because he told them explicitly. I’m sorry, what does true-shay mean? Oh…that’s funny I guess. No, I never vetted you, you’d have gotten a call. Look, I have to go, Waco.

John McCain: My friend, you have to remember, when I was a P.O.W. in Vietnam, I didn’t have a financial crisis. I didn’t have a bank, stocks, insurance. All I had was my patriotism, my faith in God, and my maverick sensibilities. I’m sorry what did you say? Two of three what now? Look, Waco, I’m not a numbers guy, but I made it out of Vietnam, so we can make it through this crisis.

Hillary Clinton: I’m exhausted and pissed off. Leave me alone. I’ve told you people a thousand times the solution is to elect Barack Obama. I’m not voting for McCain, even with the Moose Huntress as his VP. What am I, stupid?

Ted Stevens was in court and could not be reached for comment, but we imagine he would have yelled at us.

George W. Bush: Congress needs to pass this legislation now! Our economy must remain strong. If congress does not pass legislation this instant, I will continue to make empty threats. This is bullshit, no one even listens to me anymore. I should make Dick finish out my term.

Bob Barr and Ralph Nader (Joint Statement): This financial crisis is just another example of how both parties are failures. And the media has failed us, too. Bush is getting more attention than both of us combined.

PMW Poll: Who do you trust most to handle the economy?

David Palmer: 30%
Matthew Santos: 30%
Barack Obama: 25%
John McCain: 12%
Barr or Nader: 2%
Ron Paul: 1%**

**?????

Hurricane Sarah Ravages Election

Hurricane Ike hit the Gulf Coast recently and thank God it hasn’t been as bad as Katrina. The death toll was only 15 on Sunday, but some parts of Texas were hit hard by Ike. FEMA has designated these areas as Tina Zones. (Too soon?)

Courage Under Fire: After Sarah Barracuda and Rudy the Hegemony of Failure mocked Obama’s community organizing, Newt Gingrich was quoted as saying Obama just “wandered around the South Side of Chicago” as a community organizer. Honestly, that’s almost as dangerous as fighting in Vietnam. I sure as hell don’t wander around the South Side.

Since September, 130,000 women across the country have become WASPs!

McBAMA: Hey, It Could Happen
No, I’m not saying they’ll run together, but this election will be close. I was thinking there could be recounts in Ohio, although McCain is pulling away there at the moment (Aggregate poll data here). Colorado could be razor thin, as well as Nevada, and possibly even blue-leaning Michigan. Obama is behind McCain in national polls, but he still looks likely to win Michigan, Colorado, and New Mexico. If this trend continues and I think it will…well I’ll just make a prediction.

John McCain will win the presidential election…in the way Gore did. Obama will win the Electoral College and not the popular vote. The GOP will cry injustice, while still maintaining that Gore was a sore loser. A lawsuit could drag it out for months (and God knows what Bush and Cheney would do, stay on the side lines or invoke some creepy executive power, per usual). One can only hope it would lead to the destruction of the Godforsaken Electoral College. (“That shit is so antiquated,” as a friend of mine once said)

***UPDATE
Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton, together at last! lol

An In-Depth Look at Election Meta-Analysis

The public appears skeptical of Obama’s McBush narrative. After being far ahead in the polls, John McCain has now caught up to him, which is largely attributed to McCain’s big convention bump. It is also believed that after reading about the success of the convention, voters continued to move toward McCain. The most recent polls show even more gains for McCain and before the end of this sentence, McCain is expected to increase his lead. Check out the new PMW poll taken last Thursday.

Who’s More Like Bush: McCain or Obama?

Everyone’s heard the McSame/McBush meme, which PMW constantly echoes (and let’s hear for it Joe Biden’s Freudian slip during his speech. Heyo!) However, a friend of mine suggested to me that picking Biden made Obama seem more like Bush than the Maverick from the Gang of 14: a young, inexperienced dude who’s liked for his personality picks an older, experienced VP to hold his hand through the presidency. Interesting argument. Here’s my response.

McCAIN vs. BUSH
If you overlook some (alleged) pandering to the Right during the primaries (which, in fairness, happens every time), McCain is not a standard Republican, although he’s not moderate either. But let’s look at his Maverick stands:

Pork-Barrel Spending: Whoop-dee-doo, only politicians disagree with you! (Plus, Bush is with you here).
Environment: Bravo, sir, only right-wing nut jobs think you go too far on this!
Campaign Finance Reform: Meh, I’ll give you a point for that.
Immigration: Assuming you re-renege or un-renege (is that a nege???) this counts as a Maverick position, but it’s the same as Bush’s stance, so you’re still McBush.
Foreign Policy: Bush - torture + competence, where competence = 0 because your ideas are batshit insane!

TOTAL: 3 points. McCain is an anti-torture, pro-campaign finance reform, more environmentalist version of Bush.

OBAMA vs. BUSH

First of all, Biden ran for president and, while he failed miserably (twice!), Biden is not totally unelectable and he was running against three political superstars. Cheney was unelectable, and making him VP was some kind of crazy Texas Trojan Horse ju-jitsu (I feel so professional for working ju-jitsu into a post). Also, Cheney was known for being a hardline conservative, whereas Biden is known for being fairly moderate, sensible, and non-ideological. He’s an arrogant, rambling plagiarizer, but that’s child play compared to Cheney (Bush’s second term was Child’s Play 2, let’s not go for Bride of Chucky starring Sarah Palin). Ultimately, let’s face it: Obama is smarter, more educated, and more driven than Bush (or at least he’ll read the paper). He’s not the type to let his cabinet and staff run everything.

ON THE CHARGE OF BEING TOO SIMILAR TO GEORGE W. BUSH, The Honorable Waco Kid finds Barack Obama not guilty and he finds McCain guilty. You are sentenced to two months running a doomed campaign (plus time already served), and may God have mercy on your soul. (Politically speaking, of course)

George Bush Action Figures

Sometimes, I see Bush on TV and forget he's still in charge because no one cares about him, which is sad. For once, I feel bad for him. With that in mind, I present a tribute to our outgoing president. He couldn't really run a country to save his life (luckily other people's lives were at stake), but he was...a man of many costumes, so I present this merchandise set, coming soon to the PMW Store.

George W. Bush Action Figures: Collect all 4:

Baseball Star Dubya

Cowboy Dubya

Dapper Dubya

Navy Pilot Dubya

Coming Soon: actual commentary on this issue

RNC Thoughts: Strange Bedfellows

How did Sarah Palin and Big n Rich appear at the same convention? It’s the party of Abstinence-Only Education and “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy.” Are the Democrats so incompetent and off-putting that they have united these opposing forces?

How could the Republicans rail all night against political correctness and lambast the Democrats as PC pansies, but then call Sarah Palin’s critics sexist? Let’s have a little consistency, guys (and girls!) for once.

Just asking...

P.S. Brutally mocking Community Organizing moves Rudy Giuliani into the Top 10 List of Most Heartless Men in America. He was so close for so long as the bed-hopping, wife-switching star of the Family Values Party. Congrats, man!

P.P.S. PresidentBushSucks offers a follow-up to the post I previously linked, and echoes my resentment of mocking Obama's time spent serving the communities of the South Side.

First MILF VP candidate: Different Takes

Below are links to articles and posts about McCain’s VP choice. I find it startling reminiscent of 1984 (just as the Bush Administration was startling reminiscent of 1984). Charismatic candidate runs with experienced VP. Boring candidate with no choice of winning picks a woman. I’m guessing the results will be the same.

Recent Photo of Palin (lol)

The Leftish anti-Bush blog PresidentBushSucks offers a scathing take on McPalin.

Gail Collins is insulted.

Matthew Continetti thinks she’s the best VP to create a Reformer Image for McCain.

Maureen Dowd thinks it sounds like a plot to a Lifetime Original Movie.

***UPDATE

Some funny ytmnd's here, here, and here.