Rudy Giuliani: Hegemony of Failure

Can you spot the three failures in this picture? Yes, that's right, you're looking at the triple crown. America, The Yankees and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.It's not easy to admit you're a failure and it's damn near impossible when you're from New York. That's the sad truth America had to learn this week. As the GOP nomination for presidency is looking less and less like a certainty and more like an senior citizen retirement package for the former New York City mayor. There's a tried and true procedure for becoming president in the United States. Most people would refer to it as the "Primary System", where America's political parties get behind their desired candidate. Then, (as nearly all US citizen applicants & roughly 4% of WASL & IOWA test takers know) the two parties naturally get behind their candidate and have the "general election"; however, Mr.Giuliani had a better idea. Starting his campaign in Florida, because it held "a shit ton" (his words, not mine) of delegates. To this end PMW will attempt to understand the psychosis and political short-comings of the Rudy Giuliani campaign, much like how a psychologist examines that flawed self-absorbent logic of a child, or an FBI profiler tries to understand the insanity of a serial killer. So too, will we have to dive deep into his world. We will have to become the RUDY brand of crazy.

"It was a unique blend of buffoonery, eccentricity and Steve Forbes 'flaw-gic' that got us here" -Amy Dawson, Rudy Giuliani campaign volunteer, Age:24

A supposedly great President once said "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself", and according to a recent Zogby poll of GOP candidates, most Republicans feared the leadership skills of Rudy Giuliani more than any other candidate (excluding Ron Paul)

With FDR's famous words in mind, it would have been wise for Giuliani to second guess his own instincts. After all, the only thing the Giuliani had to fear was Giuliani himself. Little did Rudy know, his own antics would become a further burden throughout the campaign.

Strike One: The Rudy-Horror Picture Show

What most Republicans didn't know, was that besides a 9/11 gloating, terrorist bruising badass, the ex-mayor was also very fond of tiny pink Chanel dresses and Prada tote bags. That's right, Rudy Giuliani is/was an active member in the transvestite community of New York. While this lifestyle definitely reached out to the more obscure and openly gay "log cabin" republicans, it did more to offend the conservative christian base. To obscure the right-wing moral compass was strike 1 in the bottom of the 9th for the ex-mayor.

Strike Two: Florida (The Chocolate + Peanut Butter Strategy)

A great man once said "chocolate, peanut butter, individually they are both quite tasty, but put them together and they are almost TOO tasty!" I'm sure at some point, Mr. Giuliani was sitting in his high-rise Manhattan apartment, admiring his beautiful Steve Madden pumps with matching leather wrist accessories and thinking "do i really want to run for president, wouldn't it be much nicer to retire somewhere nice and warm, like Florida?" There comes a time when Plan A and Plan B are both quite good. Often times it's easy to get caught up in the process of combining them. Marie Antoinette called it "having your cake and eating it too", at PMW we call it Plan C (others call it bullcrap). At any rate, Plan C is fundamentally flawed because it assumes the best possible outcome for two nearly impossible tasks.

Other famous failed "Plan C's" include:

-The 3/5s Compromise

-The Star Wars Program

-Any conceivable Happy Days spin-off

-DDT

-The Vietnam "War"

-1980-1989

-Led Zeppelin Touring in 2008

Strike Three: Pick a Loser to Run the Show


Running for office in any branch of the federal government can be a tricky task. What's most important is that you know what you're doing. If you're S.O.L. in the "knows what I'm doing department" there's still hope yet. Political advisors can be valuable allies and team leaders; they've presumably been through the motions and won these kinds of tough elections...or have they?

Enter Steve Forbes (Epic Failure)

When the cat was out of the bag, and America found out that Big Rudy was going to make a run at the White House, his first thought, turn to a failure? Well apparently so. He tapped the famous billionaire loser Steve Forbes to manage his presidential campaign. Famous for being a straight talking, no-nonsense, weisenheimer with too much money to actually "feel" for the common man, Forbes' campaign broke down in the early stages of the 2000 election when rumors began to circulate that Mr. Forbes believed pain and hunger were tools that lazy migrant workers used to get out of mowing his 950 square acre estate. Planning was definitely not Mr. Forbes strong suite, his response adds actually targeted his own gardening and landscaping workers. This truly shameful act seems unreasonable, but with blunders like starting a primary campaign in Florida, it's no wonder that this whole scheme "makes sense" to Rudy.

Strike Three

You're Out

FOREVER