WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN?: A New Hope

After winning the most votes, the most states, and the most pledged delegates, Barack Obama heads to the convention to claim his nomination. All superdelegates report in:

Ted Kennedy standing by.

John Kerry standing by.

Bill Richardson standing by.

Ted Kennedy moves in to declare Obama the nominee, when, from out of nowhere, Hillary and her superdelegates ambush them all.

Hillary moves in for the kill. Obama looks dead in the water.

Suddenly, Hillary's superdelegates get blown away.

Gore and Dean come in and save him. Obama claims the nomination and Hillary drifts away.

Blind Man's Bluff

Move over Barack Obama, American just might have found a politician that is a much better fit! Yes, it was shocking for a lot of Americans to deal with the fact that their next commander-in-chief might indeed be an African American. This of course blew over in a matter of moments when we as a country realized that even more unexpected was the fact that Mr. Obama treated his electorate with dignity and kindness and led his followers with a tone of encouragement. This was perhaps too much, for any one individual to truly be able to deal with.



"It's rare to see a black man in national politics, it's rarer still to see national politicians treat voters like grown-up human beings." - Anonymous Voter (Chicago)




Mr. Obama's lack of contempt for the voting populace, and his ability to articulate policy above a three-year-old level of understanding puts him high and alone on the pedistal of American politics. This "articulation" is truly the white elephant in the room that nobody is willing to mention.

Some conventional wisdom and some unconventional street polling led us to see the entire Obama affair in a whole different light.

The Question: Is America ready for Barack Obama?

"Southside" Jerome Watkins (professional dice player): Yeah, naw, the man is definately ready to run America, but we ain't ready for him. He's too much, too good and I don't see how we as a nation will be able to run if we dont' learn to crawl first. Also i'd hate to see a man as smart as Barack Obama be shot down. Electing a brother to office should be done with care. Let's let somebody a little less brainy in first, so we don't lose all of our best people!


Gerry Sanders (Star Trek Future History Pre-re-enactment Society): Obviously we can't have a commander and chief like Barack Obama running for president. Listen, things like these have procedure. In star trek we had captain Johnathan Archer, Captain Thomas Pike, James T. Kirk, Jean Luc Picard, Bejamen Cisco. Each captain brought a wide variety of new knowledge to the field of deep space exploration, which future captains would build off of. We can't just go from Johnathan Archer (George Bush) to Captain Benjamen Cisco (Barack Obama) like that over night. Especially if we've never even had a LT. commander Geordi Laforge working as a chief engineer!

Whistles LaBlonque (Professional Mime): Mr. LaBlonque's response to the question was answered completely in pantamime. For some reason he appeared to have a look of extreme agitation and frustration when he shat his own pants. He then began crying silently, all the while pretending to be stuck in an invisible box. PMW staff did their best to assure Mr Leblonque that it was all a figment of his over-active imagination.


This highly accurate and random sampling of American voters could easily be any one of PMW's millions of readers. Today we heard from just a few brave souls who believe that America is simply not ready for Obama. Perhaps A better candidate would be the newest blind/black governor of New York. His expression is aloof and his long-winded diatribes are ridiculous and nonsensical.

PMW says, vote this guy from President of the USA, Democratic Darkhorse 2008!

Chalk it up to Failure

The Democratic Party has all the right ingredients for a victory over the incumbent Republican Party next November...momentum, an economy on the verge of depression, a disasterous war in a country nobody cares about. Yet for some reason, with all the cards stacked in their favor, they stand poised on the brink of defeat.

The Democrats might be best known as the Red Sox of politics. A bunch of highly respected politicians who over the longest 8 years anybody can remember were effectively unable to "seal" the "deal". (as of 2004 the Democrats actually succeeded in becoming more disappointing than even the Red Sox when the sox were finally able to seal the deal against the St.Louis Cardinals.) Today the Red Sox remain one of the most feared franchises in baseball, and the Democrats; sadly, remain one of biggest "let down's" in politics EVER.

A quick run-down of the Democrats greatest "let downs"

Gary Hart: Character Assassinated

George McGovern: Character Assassinated

Robert Kennedy: Shot (in the hind parts)

John F. Kennedy: Shot (in the face)

Jesus H. Christ: Crucified (like a savior)

It's a long and painful history to be sure. I don't want any of you Democrats getting too excited over the prospect of having a great man like Barack Obama be your present next November. It's too big of a let down, and you've all been through so much hardship already, it's kind of like what Mark Wahlberg said in his movie Invincible.











"The Democratic Party can only take so much failure."


In short, i don't want you Democrats to become crestfallen when your idealistic golden-boy (or tar-baby depending on your geographic location) is not elected president. In the end you'll see these three faces and remember only one thing this november...FAILURE

Admin Update IV: PMW in Political Hibernation

Ignoring the pleas of PMW, per usual, the Democratic candidates have refused to go on Spring Break. Obama had his chance to go surfing and Hillary could have cheered for the Yankees with Rudy. However, they have continued to snipe at each other endlessly, mostly over complete minutia. We have tried to cover this, but considering the last two posts covered the same issue, things are clearly slow right now. So, taking a page from the McCain playbook, PMW has sunk into a deep slumber of boredom. We are in political hibernation because we can't take it anymore. The Democrats may not want a Spring Break, but we sure as hell do.

I have been covering the current Air Travel Fiasco, experiencing American and Delta's woes firsthand (and by that I mean getting trapped at O'Hare, JFK, and LaGuardia for 11 hours, leaving me no other choice than to single-handedly subsidize the airport bar industry). Goofers has surely been in his pajamas for the past two weeks, drinking beer and watching people shoot guns on the History channel 16 hours a day. PMW promises a comeback in April, for the Democrats' Final Showdown #5 in Pennsylvania. But until then, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Cheers

PMW Staff

The Wrong Rev. Wright Part II: Historic Speech, Historic Mistake

On Tuesday, March 18, 2008, Barack Obama showed he is far too idealistic to be president. He showed far too much integrity, too broad an understanding of issues and an understanding of too many points of view. This is the kind of speech Hillary is way too shrewd and intelligent to give. He must be fuller of hope than any previous political figure if he thinks this will work.

First of all, he was far too kind to his problematic pastor. In this position, a sensible politician would have thrown Rev. Wright under the bus and been done with him. A 20-year relationship with your spiritual mentor is nothing compared to eight years as president. Instead, Obama tried to paint Wright as a man with good and bad traits, like all of us. Big mistake! This reminded people that they have bad traits and that’s not what they look for in a president.

Reagan was smart enough to only bring up flaws pertaining to Democrats and Communists (or as he put it, Communists). Also, it is way too difficult to convince people to embrace and forgive a man who gave them a bad first impression. Obama should have just said, “That man is a monster!” and moved on.

Secondly, he started talking about how racism still exists in America. What a buzzkill! Seriously, that is not what voters want to hear about. We were so proud of ourselves for coming this close to a black president. The last thing we want to think about is racism. That’s just a recipe for a headache.

Then, he talked about how some white people are scared of black men walking down the street. Way to blow our cover, Barack. We’re still working with those people, but we need more time. We’ve tried so hard to keep this quiet, and now you broadcast it to the world. These ugly truths should not be brought up.

But not only did he force us to think about race, he didn’t even have the decency to clarify which side he was on. He tried to have it both ways, talking about his family’s mixed heritage. I don’t even if know he’s black anymore. He talked so much about his white relatives. It’s just confusing. Why does he always have to complicate things?

Don’t worry, Barack. You can get past this. Voters have short memories. Go back to the talking the points. You’ll be fine. Follow Hillary’s lead. She’s experienced enough to know what to do. Just make sure the only race you talk about is the race for the White House.

The Wrong Reverend Wright

The latest news story about Barack Obama is that his church is apparently bat-shit insane (MSM’s words, not mine). Rev. Jeremiah Wright is apparently Mr. Wrong as a political ally for Obama. The biggest issue is the following:

Obama praised Wright --->

Wright praised Louis Farrakhan --->

Farrakhan hates Jews.

Ergo, Barack Obama hates Jews (He’s only two degrees of separation from the Nazis!). That makes sense…

This sounds like a crazy feud between late-night talk shows. Maybe this Rev. Wright guy is a nut (Come on, who likes Louis Farrakhan?). But Obama has said repeatedly that he likes his pastor, but disagrees with him on many issues. That seems reasonable. I have friends who have crazy political beliefs (you know who you are, if you even read this blog…), but who cares? Clearly, Barack Obama does not hate Jews (as far Hillary knows...)

Furthermore, there are two types of people in this world who don’t understand the idea of disagreeing with your pastor: (A) People who have never been to church and (B) Scary Fundamentalists. If you are capable of independent thought, disagreements are unavoidable. I’ve even disagreed with God before! (I’m tellin' you man, Communion Beer! “This Red Ale is my blood, shed for you.” Come on!) Are we really scared to have a president who thinks for himself? Because imagine the alternative (Or just turn on the TV).

So let’s try to forget about this. We’re talking about organized religion here. Organized religion can get just as crazy as any other social institution. The problem is people. Anything people get involved in can turn crazy and individually, anyone can be called "crazy." Obama (likes Rev. Wright), Hillary (married to Bill), McCain (on the brink of senility), Huckabee (doubts evolution), Nader (thinks his presidential campaigns help the Liberal cause), all crazy. What else can I say? Everyone is insane.

Links:
Louis Farrakhan at wikipedia.org/wiki/bat-shit-insane

Jeremiah Wright at wikipedia.org/wiki/non-story

OH FUCKing me I'm drunk again LOLOL Roflmao

Well shit. I'm sorry team. It's another one of those kind of dayz, where i've become so enraged by the polocitical system i've decided to drink myself into a blinde rage. You think things mght have worked themselves out by now. It's been like what? 43 yuears since MLK had a dream. and Bobby Kennedy could have changed the world (except he got shot like a bitch :( ..........) Anywaysz, Things could be a whole lot better right now. The USA is on the verge of economic collapse, terroristas want to kill us and lindsey lohan is fucking HOT!.

LETS GO INTO A COUNTDOWN OF WHY I"VE BEEN DRIVEN TO DRINK MYSELF STUPID


#1 CNN BALLOT BOWL

THIS ISn't a fucking game Cnn. We stand on the brink of catastrophe CNN, and all you can do is make a circus of the malayse and dysfunction of the democratic party. The one thing that could save the entire free world from certain doom has been forgotten thanks to a god damn ratings war.............. :(


#2 American IDOL
Seriosly, why is this still a show? People are dying and America is dying yet this show somehow helps us forget it all. WE get to watch the innocense of America become brutalized by a british cuntface named simon. I hope you're happy america.


#3 LOST ...god why the fuck am i still watching this show...it's like they just make it up as they go along ..................seriously...............what is going on. Ever time i watch lost they answer nothing and raise 10 new questions. Jesus, i'm a glutton for punishment.


So let's get on with this shit. I feel like that guy from the war movie (tyhat i'm too drunk to remember) who kjnows he's going to be killed so he just yells "WELL GET ON WITH IT THEN" that's what america is like to me now. It's like a death sentance. Every day is another lesson inj how screwed i am . SO YEAH


YEAH


JUST GET ON WITH IT


PUT THE BULLET IN MY HEAD


:(

Geriatric America: How old is too old to vote?

If there is one demographic of Americans that gets off scott free the day after election season it's America's seniors. God knows, they won't be around long enough to to see the chaos and insanity wrought on us all when our new elected officially manages to build up a full head of steam.

PMW would like to urge all individuals who have reached the average life expectancy (77 years in men, 83 years in women) to please, PLEASE stop voting. We all have to deal with your horrible mistakes when you're dead and forgotten.

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the oposite direction." --George Carlin

[On a side note, if John McCain is reading this right now, please don't bother to continue your run for president. Hand off the reigns to Huckabee or Guilliani. We're all pretty sure you won't make it to next christmas - God Bless]

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN?: Democratic Party Declares Spring Break

After the Mississippi Primary on Tuesday, there will no primary elections until Pennsylvania on April 22nd. That’s March 12-April 21: no elections. For those of you who hate math (I’m right there with you), that’s 41 days (You’re welcome!). Think about that for a second. They’d still be on the campaign trail.

Obama would go out every day talking about Change and New Politics. Hillary would drone on about how she’s ready on Day One to answer that red phone (She thinks she’s running to be Batman!) and how Obama is full of empty speeches and no experience (but somehow, she totally wants him to be her VP).

John McCain would come out once a day to warn us that naïve hippies like Hillary and Obama want to surrender to the enemies of freedom. We hear all this constantly, although at least every week or so a couple states get to vote to mix things up. But 6 weeks of this nonsense and nothing else? Madness…

Luckily, Hillary and Obama figured this out and have announced they are calling a Spring Break for the primaries. They will spare voters by suspending all campaigning for 4 weeks. “It would be unfair to subject voters to 6 weeks of us debating,” an Obama spokesman told reporters. “There’s not enough to talk about. It would be torture for them and Senator Obama does not condone torture.” Hillary was also proud of the decision. “This is one thing Senator Obama and I agree on…besides all our policy positions.” Hours later, McCain endorsed the plan. “Let’s face it, my friends. I need to nap a lot. I’m an old man, my friends, and I would have fallen asleep on the campaign trail anyway. Now I can sleep at home. Good night, my friends.”

The People Have Spoken

First, let me start by saying watching these damn primaries has been like watching Lost. We don’t know what the hell is going on or where this is going. Week after week, we tune in looking for answers. Week after week, we learn very little and more questions are introduced than answered. The Democrats seem to know what they’re doing about as well as those poor schmucks marooned on the island. Both cases show groups split by a cynical pragmatist and a notional idealist. The suspense is killing us! And just as the villain on Lost warns the protagonists of impending doom, the Democrats have a mysterious, complicated disaster coming their way.

The People of Ohio and Texas had a clear choice on Tuesday, whether they realized it or not. Their choice was between Barack Obama and a Gigantic Circus at the Democratic National Convention. They have chosen the brokered convention, every journalist’s dream and the Democrats’ worst nightmare. Unless Obama rebounds quickly, a brokered convention looks very possible, which is bad for the party. If Obama still emerges victorious, Hillary's campaign can end on the same note it began and…well, really it’s kind of been a one-note campaign. See if you can identify the theme:

“Caucuses are unfair because they disenfranchise voters.” (She first realized this when Obama kicked her ass in all the caucuses)

“Nevada’s casino caucuses unfairly benefit cooks.” (After she unexpectedly lost the cullinary union’s endorsement)

“It’s a travesty that Michigan and Florida’s delegates don’t count.” (This became clear to her when she won those states, but was losing overall)

“Texas’s caucuses are unfair and I may sue.” (After Obama caught up to her in the Texas polls)

Hillary’s campaign theme is…Bitching about how unfair the system is (after it bites her in the ass). So she will save face by putting the party through an arduous ordeal in Denver.

But, what a minute! What if Hillary cuts some slimy, backdoor deal with the superdelegates and wins the nomination? Think about it. A powerful politician, on her last legs, her last shot at the presidency, and her ex-president husband calling in all their favors and using all their influence. Suddenly, things look bleak for Obama, even though he has more votes from the people.

The real problem here is that the Democrats have the dumbest primary rules you could possibly imagine. Texas had a primary and a caucus and you have to vote in the primary to participate in the caucus. Having so many superdelegates makes it impossible for anyone to win a close race before the convention. I mean, we all had extremely low expectations for the party, but this is a new low. Unfortunately, Obama needs to just suck it up. He can’t fall into Hillary’s bad habits of blaming a system she signed onto a year ago. He has to suck it up and win as many delegates as possible. If Obama wants to lead the Democratic Party, he had better get used to dealing with complete idiocy on a daily basis.

Admin Update III

As we enter our third month here at Political Mouthwash, things are a little crazy. Goofers is still on sabbatical, but he should be back before too long. I'm guessing he's applying for jobs in the MSM so he can sabotage them. That or he's at at a gun show testing out automatic weapons. I will be sort of on sabbatical in March (SPRING BREAK!!!), probably posting weekly. Hopefully we'll be back up to speed soon. As always, thanks to all our loyal supporters and readers. We appreciate your comments and feedback as well. And feel free to submit guest posts to Goofers or me anytime.

Happy Second PMW Month-a-versary!
Cheers,

PMW Staff

PETA: Perpetually Egregiously Terribly Asinine

Someone please tell me: When your cause is to protect cute, fuzzy animals, how can you alienate so many people? (And let’s not forgot PETA’s smokin’ hot ads) I was watching The Colbert Report on Thursday, and he had Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA, on the show (nice to see a female president not named Hillary). Now, I was very interested to hear what she had to say because I have heard many bad things about PETA.

This surprised me because I am a very passionate supporter of animal rights. I grew up with dogs and if anyone mistreated my dogs I would rip out their heart and feed it to them. Now, I firmly believe that animals should be treated very nicely from the moment they are born until the moment you cook them. I don’t like these factories where they treat animals badly, but what’s wrong with letting them live happy lives and then making good use of them afterwards? It would be terrible to waste all that delicious meat. If I tasted good, I would want to be eaten when I die.


So with that in mind, I watched the PETA lady. She immediately set me off with her statement, “We should all be vegetarian.” Excuse me? That’s the worst thing I have ever heard. Now, I know vegetarians. They’re good people, the ones that don’t preach to you anyway. I think if you’re vegetarian, that’s wonderful. Good for you. You’re missing out on so much wonderful food, but that’s you choice. What’s important isn’t whether or not you eat meat. It’s that you make that choice and then shut the hell up about it! So, I think it’s asinine for someone to tell me I should not eat meat.

She continued by saying they have proven meat is bad for you. Really? Because I have eaten meat my entire life and the doctor has always said I am very healthy. This is the case for millions of people. Now, surely lots of people eat too much meat, and that’s bad for you. Well, guess what? You know what else is bad for you when eat too much of it? EVERYTHING! I really don’t think in 100 years, we will look and back say, can you believe all those people who used to eat meat? What an egregious thing to do!

So I will perpetually stand by beliefs. We must treat animals well from birth until death and then, if they taste good, we can eat them. Unless you’re talking about eggs, in which case you eat them before they’re born, which is good because then you don’t have to kill them and it avoids an ethical dilemma! (Although, to paraphrase George Carlin, does an omelet count as an abortion?)