We Live in a Moment that Doesn’t Exist

Welcome to the J.J. Abrams presidency. That insane ‘08 campaign was only the beginning. Does anyone know what is going on? The nation’s fate is utterly uncertain, like the folks running around on that island. Obama exudes a feeling of wonder, a sense that he could save the day at any second but strings you along like mid-season episodes of Lost.

The ambiguous tension, wandering, yelling, and constant twists yield no real game changes. No sense of resolution. (Health care reform passed, but doesn’t take effect for years, and the GOP is vowing to Repeal and Replace it.) Now we seem to have traveled back in time to 1994 (GOP poised to take back congress). The Others are running around swearing the end is near if we don’t change course (angry mobs and TEA Partiers).

So what now? The only way to top all this insanity would be a tie in 2012 presidential election…which would be a disaster. Imagine the 2000 Election mess, but amidst a gigantic recession. Imagine those Florida mobs, but the size of TEA Party mobs: Democrats being accused of a Nazi Socialist takeover, Republicans being called racists of a second confederacy. The entire country would start coming apart at the seams and descend into a civil war. Man, this always happens when elect skinny Illinois lawyers to the presidency!

Plus, we should note that congress decides a tie. So a Democratic congress would pick Obama. But if the GOP takes over congress, they could Repeal and Replace him with their candidate, who we’ll call Mitt McPalin Huckalenty, from Grand Old Tea Party Ticket. Madness…

Still, there are countless other possibilities, which brings me to the point of this meandering post. We live a moment that doesn’t exist. Day after day, America toils aimless through a 24-hour news cycle of hopeless absurdity. Democratic and Republican favorability shoots up and down in the polls like the stock market, while snake oil salesmen try desperately to make sense of it all and sell the story to you, usually hyper-analyzing fleeting fads and trends until something important (or at least scandalous) comes up.


None of it matters. An entire year of angry mobs berating congressmen about hypothetical health care bills felt like an eternity, but it will all be a footnote in history. And the public sees each footnote documented in detail on cable news and the internet. As we are flooded with information, we depend on the Mainstream Media to filter it for us, but they’re the ones saturating our brains with distractions and disinformation. Year and year, emotions build daily as partisan anchors educate their side on every piece of dirt they have on the other side, and non-partisan anchors stand back spinelessly, eager to split the difference. Viewers are then turned loose to have ill-informed debates with each other, or to cast ill-informed votes.

The point is that emotions are running high over things that hardly matter or are hardly understood. We are extremely informed yet essentially ignorant. I don’t know what the solution is. All I can say is take a deep breath and remember that, much like Lost, most of this madness is a mere interlude before we find out what really happens. The signing of the health care bill may turn out to be landmark event, but most of the time we live in a moment that doesn’t exist.

The Prayerbook, Reinvented

A Different kind of review of the iPad

The iPad is to technology what the prayerbook is to religion. It may not be the entire bible but it sure does quote it, and includes quite a few original verses as well. Can religion exist without prayerbooks? Absolutely. Is it better off because of them? Many would argue yes. Apple is occasionally viewed as a religion or a cult due to the zealous nature of its fans and its us or nothing approach to its ecosystem. However, you don't have to be a Catholic to appreciate the prayerbook they've created and you may even find something in it for you that you didn't expect.

Most reviews of the iPad all go the same way. It's an amazing piece of technology and engineering but it doesn't do Flash, has no USB ports and is basically a large iPod touch. They might spend time telling you that it has an Apple branded A4 processor and has 512 Megs of RAM. You may then, as others have, compare it to a computer you own and say that you'd never buy the iPad because 512 Megs of RAM isn't enough to do the things you do with a computer. I admit, I first thought back to my old IBM Thinkpad 600e with a 400 Meg PII and 512 megs of RAM from 1998 when I heard the specs. The hardest thing for technical people to do in this day and age is separate the specs from the actual experience.

For the past twenty-five years or so, we have used specs of this nature to define the computing experience. I personally remember when we made the switch from measuring processor speed from MHz to GHz. It meant we were going to enter a new age of computing performance. Everything is going to run lightning fast and we will have as many programs as we want up at once. But something rather interesting occurred. We realized that most of the things we did on the computer didn't change at all. Word processing, web browsing, IM didn't appear to run any faster and we stopped caring that it could run more apps at once because we already had the six or so ones we cared about open.

Then came the evolution of the display. Displays started to become much larger and resolutions became much greater. We noticed this, cause we could now see two documents on the screen, side by side. Aspect ratios changed from 4:3 to 16:9. But again, the experience remained static.

You simply can't compare the experience of using the iPad to other computers you've used before. You might then say, it uses the iPhone OS and I've used an iPhone before so it's the same thing except larger. This too is simply untrue. Perhaps my favorite, are the talking heads who state, never having used the device mind you, that while the device may be good at consuming content, it's terrible at creating it. We will deal with that one a bit later. Now that we've mentioned the common fallacies, what makes the iPad different? Why should I care? To get to the root of what makes the iPad a game changer, we have to start with the word I.

The iPad is a deeply personal experience. It is easily tailored to your needs and desires. Despite what people say about all the apps and the iWork suite, the iPad will be defined by what you decide to do with it. Yes, it is an ebook reader and an iPod and a word processor. However, like the preverbal tree in the woods, if you don't set it up that way, no one will hear it. In the end, it is very much like a computer in this regard.

Going back to the specs for a moment, the one stat that certainly matters is the battery life. Apple rated it at ten hours. I used my iPad nonstop for almost fourteen hours and still, had twenty-two percent left. You will easily be able to get a few real days of use out of it on a single change. A quick note on speed. Despite the specs mentioned earlier, the iPad is lightning fast. It performs all tasks with ease and never feels "bogged down" as computers sometimes feel. The other big knock is on multitasking. This unfortunately is rather true to an extent. You can have email fetching and music playing while performing any other task. In fact I have Bon Jovi blaring as I write this. However it would be nice to have IM running in the background while doing something different or streaming music while reading a magazine.

One minor issue with the word processor. There is no tab button on the keyboard. You need to turn the iPad vertically and pull tab out of a menu. It is surprisingly annoying. This issue can be mitigated with any Bluetooth keyboard. In general there are good work arounds for most issues and the issues it has can all be addressed later with software updates.

Almost ten years ago when wifi was becoming available to the general public, I boldly predicted that computers were going to be moving away from self contained modules and would become thin clients. This has basically come true. Our content is now stored in the "cloud" and we can now access it from multiple devices from anywhere. The iPad isn't the first device to do this but is the first device to take on the traditional PC. To address the content creation issue, this entire review was written on the iPad's virtual keyboard at roughly the same pace as a normal one. There are also apps that mimic a piano or give you an entire sketchbook. One last thing, the iPad can actually be used as a prayerbook and it may surprise you to learn that the most popular type of app in the store continues to be the Bible.

-Lance Murdock

OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE ULTIMATUM

President Obama has been demanding action on health care from a gridlocked congress. Today, he made a final ultimatum to those blocking his health care bill. PMW received this statement from the administration.

My fellow Americans, the time for partisanship and stalling tactics has long passed. It is time to pass this bill. It is time to serve the people. I have urged congress to act, but they have failed to do so. This will be the most important bill I will sign into law as president. If I cannot get this bill through while my party overwhelmingly controls both the House and the Senate, I do not see how I will accomplish anything as president. At that point, I might as well walk away.

That’s right, America. If congress does not pass health care reform THIS MONTH, I will resign as president of the United States. I quit. Why continue this charade?

Now, you all know what this means. If I quit, Biden is president. How do you like them apples? So, anyone who doesn’t want Joe Biden running this country had better call their representatives and demand that they vote for my health care bill.

It’s your choice, America. I’ve seen the poll numbers. I know you like me better than Joe. I know he scares you. What if he says some stupid shit to a nuclear power? Boom! One gaffe leaves America glowing with radiation for hundreds of years. He’ll take us on the next Amtrak train straight to hell.

Your call, folks. Health care for America now or President Biden for America now.

LET DOWN WITH REVEREND OLBERMANN

Good evening and welcome to Countdown. I’m Keith Olbermann. I am liberal and proud of it. I am also intelligent and well-educated, and slightly too proud of that. My first guest is a fellow intelligent liberal and we shall discuss how right we are about an issue and how wrong the Republicans are. There will be some real news, but we shall try to limit that.

Next, we shall discuss celebrity tabloid news. Hopefully, we will cover Paris Hilton tonight, as she is an easy person of which to make fun. This is beneath me, but it ensures higher ratings so that I can maintain this sweet gig. Now, back to the real news.

Coming up next: I am going to announce which right-wing asshole is currently enraging me the most. Could it be Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly? I could report on more real news, but admit it: it is so very fun to watch me roast these assholes. Also, you will not want to miss my Special Comment. Will I remain calm and make some good points? Or will I go on a ridiculous tirade and end up as fodder for the Daily Show? Find out later.

We’re back. I pick Bill O’LIE-ly from Fox Boos as today's biggest asshole, for the 687th time. I hope I have convinced you that he is a jerk.

Our top story tonight: Political Mouthwash blogger The Waco Kid, famed for his bad puns and low readership, has been referring to me as Reverend Olbermann, because my show is “little more than self-indulgent preaching to the liberal choir.” He offered me faux praise, saying my show “sucks less than most news shows.” I figured I would read that on my show so that more than two people might actually hear about it. I am quite pleased with that insult, lest you cannot tell from my smug grin.

That’s Countdown, on this, the 2,519th day since the “liberal” Mainstream Media actually let an openly liberal anchor have his own show. To all those searching for high quality news: good night and good luck.

Thrillabuster II: Land of the Dead

How do you kill something that is already dead? Our nation's politics have turned into a zombie movie (but not because the GOP lumbers around mumbling the same thing and attacking Dems, while the Dems flee helplessly). Congress is haunted by a superzombie. I tell you, the filibuster is dead, and yet is undead, as in WILL NOT DIE. Observe:

The filibuster was originally created in the nineteenth century to allow a senator to say his peace as long as he wanted (Senators can do basically whatever they want, whereas members of the House have to clean the bathrooms themselves). Over time, they made a rule that 67 Senators could close debate on issue and force a vote (aka CLOTURE), and then 60. But the idea was, it was an emergency barrier to one-in-a-blue-moon, dangerous policy.

This really was a non-issue until the Democrats decided that most of W's judicial nominations were nut-jobs and tried to filibuster them. The GOP reacted strongly saying they were shocked--SHOCKED--to see the Democrats abuse a beloved Senate tradition. When the Dems took back congress and the White House, the GOP, ever the model of consistency, proceeded to vote against cloture on every major issue they voted against.

Example: Health Care

You would expect votes on health care to follow party lines, with moderates feeling torn. You'd assume that some might decide to vote against it without seeing the need to play the filibuster card. And you would be wrong. The Senate Dems got everyone to vote for health care (even the Benator and Joementum, after buying them off). The GOP got everyone, even the Moderate Maine Maidens (who voted for the stimulus) and Chuck Grassley (Max Baucus's bromantic hetero life-mate) to vote for it. Not only did these people vote against it, they all voted against cloture. They went from, "maybe I could vote for this" to "I'm taking desperate measures to stop this."

The GOP has shown it will use emergency measures to block every bill it opposes. So everything the Democrats do is an emergency. But that means emergencies don't really exist anymore (like moderate Senate Republicans). The filibuster, as an emergency brake for legislation, is no more. What's left is an old rule that has strangely mutated into a requirement that only 60 votes can pass a bill (that...or a pair of testicles). The filibuster is dead, and yet must be killed. It is terrorizing the Senate, scaring the hell of out Democrats.

Will Baucus and Grassley’s bromance fall apart? Can the Mormon Mime find the courage to speak out and lead the Senate (or lose reelection in November)? Will Big O finally live up to the hype (or simply end up delivering the greatest concession speech in history)? Tune in next time on WTF is Wrong with our Country?

Thrillabuster! GOP Gains 41 Percent Majority

On Tuesday, the Republicans gained their coveted 41st seat to attain the plurality they were searching for. Facing a divided Democratic party (some fire-breathing liberals, some cowering liberals, a few Blue Dogs), the Republican obstructionist coalition now holds the most votes. This is a huge blow to President Obama, who is watching the bill he has vigorously defended with speeches and soundbytes slip away.

America has spoken and they have demanded that the Democrats adopt a more bi-partisan approach. This means they must move beyond compromise to discover a new way forward. This could include letting the Republicans write all legislation, yielding all debate time to the GOP, or even filibusters where the Democrats stand up and apologize for all the bad bills they have passed.

“We are so sorry,” said Sen. Max Baucus, a major player in the health care debate. “If we had known you would break our filibuster-proof majority, we would have taken health care off the table long ago.”

“The people of Massachusetts should be ashamed of themselves,” yelled Speaker Pelosi. "Their pathetic stupidity has destroyed our 60-vote crutch and all hope that we would enact any part of our agenda. Now we have to wait until we regain our supermajority before we can pass any bill."

“I really don’t care,” remarked fatalistic Super-Minority Leader Harry Reid. “I may lose my seat, too. At this point, a dark-skinned African American with a negro dialect could probably beat me.”

Farewell Dreary Oh’s: PMW Prediction Check

Thank God this last decade is over. The 2000s, the Ohs, the Aughts, the Naughties, the Zeroes, whatever you call it. I call it the Dreary Oh’s. I say bring on the Teens (not like that, sicko). So, here are some predictions for the next decade, but first, let’s take a look back on predictions from this blog, in honor of its Two-Year Wash-iversary. You know how annoying it is when a TV show does a “clip show.” This is like that, except no one’s getting paid (Buy merchandise please!) Let’s call it a Link Show. Here we go:

Correct predictions:
Obama wins primary and general.

Huckabee gets fat, Edwards has love child: I correctly predicted both these facts in a post on January 12, 2008.


Springsteen endorsement seals McCain’s fate: Unsubstantiated but trust me! Way to go Goofers.

Rise of the Tea Parties: I think this is the Libertarian Revolution I predicted.

McCain picks Palin: I called it…sort of.

Wrong Predictions:
Writer’s Strike Forces Good Shows Off Air: So many awesome shows on TV right now. But what the HELL is up with cancelling Conan? NBC is batshit insane.

Hillary Clinton contracts cholera: A genuine threat, but it didn't happen.

Obama picks me as his VP: Would have been a good idea though…

Obama Taps Doc Brown: Would have been a good idea though...

Howard Dean influencing primaries/getting HHS post (although he now works for CNBC and was prominent in the health care debate)

Frequent promises to increase posting on this blog…Hey, sorry…

Future Ones:
ObamaCare passes, but Cap’n Trade gets put out to sea and Immigration Bill gets deported.

Biden will make 2,010 gaffes in 2010.

Sarah Palin joins Fox News, calls Democrats unpatriotic, immoral Socialists. She will run for the GOP nomination and eventually lose badly. She’ll call the GOP sexist, and run as an independent.

Romney will run too, but everyone will have forgotten who he is. He’ll try to harness anti-ObamaCare sentiment but will drop out when he can’t explain how it’s different from RomneyCare.

The GOP wins a few Senate seats in 2010. Obama’s political stressors build up and seep into his personal life. He starts smoking again and has an affair with Hillary. It causes an uproar, but unites the liberal base and ultimately leads to his reelection.