PMW - NEWS FLASH!

For all of our readers who watch ABC's LOST and follow'd the 2008 Democratic Nomination (you're probably confused about which is a bigger waste of time.)

As we've alluded in the past, both are/were fairly pointless. I hope we can bring those two worlds of failure and mediocrity together in order to make your life a bit more enjoyable.

http://thisismydestiny.ytmnd.com/

ENJOY :)

Goofers McWaxalot & PMW Staff

(P.S. As a side note - my next post will most likely concern socially retarded man-children who watch star trek and follow politics too closely. If this stereotype in any way applies to you have fun playing scrabble with mom on friday night and never getting laid EVER.)

Hail, Barack, the Wicked Witch is Dead!

On Saturday, the Obamaniacs (or whatever the press is calling them now) and Republican Party found themselves strangely sharing in a joyous moment. Hillary was going to drop out and endorse Obama. The stake has finally gone through her heart. The death march ends!

Everyone was wondering why she decided to make a non-concession speech Tuesday and then later announced Saturday’s speech because if you’re looking to shed a spiteful, scheming, self-centered image, a delayed endorsement is not the best way to accomplish that goal. But I digress. Hillary scheduled her speech for Saturday morning and the news networks offered full coverage with their anchors for all the political nerds who were willing to wake up on Saturday morning to watch a concession speech. I covered it for PMW, but it turns out I learned nothing interesting (except that I am apparently one of the political nerds; the bastards tricked me!).

She was half an hour late to her speech and I started to get extremely nervous. Oh my God, she’s not gonna do it! Oh no! I knew the Democrats would never pick someone I endorsed. They never listen to me. Is she getting cold feet? What is this?

Well, finally, she got there (and it looked like reporters were staking out her house and following her to the event, I don’t know, but hopefully The Daily Show will look deeper into that). Then she proceeded to speak for six minutes about how awesome she was and how her supporters love her so much and this girl decided to go campaign for Hillary in Pennsylvania instead of going to Disneyland (NERD ALERT!) and a bunch of touching stories about the Great Hillary Clinton.

Then she started talking about Obama and how the Democrats need to elect him. I can’t say she looked natural doing it, but she made a serious case with good arguments. She said “Yes, We Can,” talked about how bad Bush has been, and how the screwed the Democrats are if they lose this year. She didn’t seem happy, but she did seem to mean what she said (which is rare for her).

The question now is whether Hillary supporters will flock to Obama in the general election. According to polls, many of them won’t, but polls also indicated that Kerry would beat Bush in 2004, Obama would easily win the New Hampshire Primary and that Titanic was a great movie. So decide for yourself if this poll means anything at all.

In conclusion Political Mouthwash forgives Hillary Clinton for all the stupid things she did (and thanks her for giving us lots of material to work with). However, if McBush beats Obama, we still reserve the right to blame her.

DON’T CALL IT A COMEBARACK

Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Barack Obama is the Democrats’ nominee for president. This is a historic moment, as he is the first black nominee of a majority party. But what’s more historic is that the Democrats actually seem to almost, kind of, sort of know what they’re doing right now. Not since JFK have the Democrats picked someone who appears to be both capable and marketable. Obama has succeeded in these primaries, defeating a key member of the party establishment despite many obstacles. Obama has claimed the nomination and Hillary will drop out and endorse him.

Now, the question is: who will be his VP? (Please not Hillary, please not Hillary, please not Hillary!) I encourage readers to post suggestions for whom he could add to the ticket, serious or funny. Here are some obvious choices:

Obama Edwards, the ultimate change ticket?

Obama Webb, military credentials anyone?

Obama Richardson, foreign policy credentials? (And let’s face it, we could use some facial on hair on the ticket)

Obama Sebelius, female representation (without the baggage and zero appeal to Independents)

WTF NEWS: Rachael Ray called a Terrorist???

It’s just a Dunkin Donuts commercial. It’s just a scarf. What problem could Michelle Malkin possibly have with it? Apparently, it’s a terrorist scarf! Riiiiiiiiiight. Malkin is just jealous because Rachael Ray indulges in a donut every once in awhile and cooks herself good food, which gives her that voluptuous figure, while Malkin is a shriveled, anorexic failure (I rarely stoop so low, but I'm sorry, this time it's necessary, just this once).

Now, as I’ve said before, I live in Chicago. This may blow over in other places, but not here. First of all, Chicagoans love their Dunkin Donuts over here. No Starbucks for them, thank you very much (they don’t know anything about coffee, but that’s okay). Even messing with a commercial for Dunkin Donuts puts her on Chicago’s Shit List. Malkin better stay out of the Windy City (also the winds would blow her away). Speaking of which, Chicagoans don’t care for skinny people either. This is not L.A. We have 2 Dunkin Donuts, an ice cream shop, and five steakhouses for every gym. Not too mention how liberal Chicago is. When some skinny conservative gets in the way of a buxom cook selling donuts, Mayor Daley gets ready to pardon anyone that assaults her. So, stay outta Chicago, Malkin. Stay out of our donut-eating terrorist-scarf community!

Admin Update VII: Son of Admin Update

Greetings Loyal PMW Readers

Welcome to another edition of Admin Update. Things are crazy as always here, but luckily things in the political world are probably about to settle down. As the last primaries are held on Tuesday, superdelegates are expected to be reined in soon and the Democrats might actually have an official nominee. This could mean nothing important happens till the convention in August.

As always we're busy outside of the blogosphere. Goofers is settling in at his new job with some financial consulting outfit (OBVIOUS C.I.A. FRONT, kudos Goofers!). I am immersed in final exams and will intern in Seattle this summer. And by intern, I mean be enslaved as I'll have more potential to make money here at PMW.

Thanks to all our wonderful readers and commenters. Especially Anonymous, who has written many wonderful/funny/strange things. Thanks, whomever you are (could be multiple people, one time it was me). We'll try to have T-shirts to sell one day, we're trying to recruit new writers or guest writers (submissions welcome!), and we're trying to move to www.politicalmouthwash.com.

Cheers

PMW Staff

What are you doing, Hillary? Part II

Hey, sorry about that brain tumor. Remember that time your brother got assassinated?

Hillary, what were you thinking? Now, maybe you can have the benefit of the doubt and we can accept Bill’s argument that you were only talking about the timeline (You’re pushing your luck, little man…). I cannot say that am truly offended (PMW is strongly opposed to the easily offended PC mindset). However, her timing is not the best with Teddy’s tumor. It was a dumb comment tactically and the kind she routinely pounces on when Obama makes one.

But worst of all, her main advantage against Obama in this campaign has been that she has more political experience in national spotlight and is the type of candidate who would make fewer gaffes than Obama. By saying something so stupid and then offering such a piss-poor apology for it, she invalidates biggest trump card against Obama. This is just like when McCain makes foreign policy blunders.

Hillary Clinton has more trouble than The Fonz admitting fault. We’ve already had eight years of that. And now she’s tacitly admitted she’s staying in the race because she…expects/thinks…something bad will happen to Obama. I’m saying she hopes, but is there really a right word to use here? Hillary, face it, you just admitted your candidacy is doomed, and in a stupid, stupid way. But that’s great because as long as you’re making the case that you should drop out, it saves everyone else the trouble. So thanks…

What are you doing, Hillary?

Well, Hillary’s staying in the race. And who could blame her at this point? She tarnished Obama’s impending victory with embarrassingly huge defeats in West Virginia and Kentucky. She’s dragged this race on for months. What’s another week? We might as well let the remaining states vote. It gives us an opportunity to pretend we actually care what Montana and South Dakota think.

Also, maybe if Puerto Rico goes too well for Hillary, the charge that “foreigners put her over the top” could cause a backlash that would destroy her once and for all (Ironic on so many levels!).

But as everyone’s been asking, what’s the endgame? Obviously, if she drops out next week, very few people will care and this will all blow over. We’re hoping that Hillary just fades away, but she’s making people nervous. There are horror stories being suggested about her advisors scheming ways to get to Florida and Michigan counted, allowing her to stake a claim to the popular vote (opening up the door for further nauseating arguments about voter disenfranchise and justice).

So, we wait. Is she just messing with us to look important? Is she scheming for a consolation prize? (VP, cabinet post, Supreme Court nomination, NY governor, continued attention) Or is she really positioning herself to lay down the gauntlet in Denver and land a knockout punch at the convention? We have no idea what’s going on (which has been typical). However, it’s one thing to have the confusion levels of the TV show Lost in this primary. What we really don’t need are the shocking, rollercoaster plot twists. Obama’s the nominee. Any scenario where he does not end up the nominee will result in the Democrats looking like…well like they pretty much always do. Don’t screw this up, Hillary. Come on!