Last Thursday, Obama received the devastating news that he would now be forced to deal with the support of John Kerry, historic loser from the last presidential election. The unassuming Kerry was very excited to solidify his status as a has-been in presidential politics, amidst rampant allegations of being a never-was. Obama's aides were upbeat, contending that they can win back any votes they might lose due to this endorsement. They also believe Obama has enough charisma to reconcile the personality vacuum now standing beside him. “We doubt he’ll do any damage to our campaign. We just hope his radioactive insignificance won’t rub off on Barack.” Aides have started forcing the two to stand twenty feet apart at all times.
Recently, the Clinton camp issued a statement of condolence. Many people also weighed in on the issue. “Trust me, John Kerry won’t you win anything,” noted former running mate John Edwards, who indicated immense relief upon hearing the news. Mitt Romney agreed, saying “Elite, aristocratic Northeasterners from deep in Blue America will never have any impact on presidential politics.” Finally, Dennis Kucinich added, “Come on! This guy’s twice my size. He only gets attention because he towers over everyone. Imagine if I were that tall: I’d be running for reelection right now."
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