MADAME FAILURE: Nancy Pelosi sucks at life

It was nice to see a lady elected speaker of the house in 2006 (congress is SUCH a Sausagefest), but despite her party having both houses since 2006 she seems incapable of accomplishing anything. Yes, until recently, Bush could veto everything in his final two years of lame duckery, but she didn’t even make him veto many bills. He bullied with her with his “don’t waste America’s time with legislation I’ll veto” line, so she just ran the clock out on his presidency. If congress has to wait for a Democratic president to get elected, then it is useless and powerless.

Nancy, it’s your job to find ways to assert congress’s authority as a co-equal branch of government (or at least pretend congress has power). The word we use for people who can’t do their job is FAILURE!

Now, Pelosi is caught in this C.I.A scandal. Basically, the story is…well, I forget, it’s stupid and I’m tired of hearing about it. The point is, I don’t think she did anything wrong, I think she’s just an idiot. Frankly, the Democrats should hope that she gets censured and has to step down as Speaker, and then hope that her replacement sucks less.

THIS JUST IN: Mike Huckabee (R-Fox News) has written a poem about Nancy Pelosi called “Fancy Nancy,” about how much she sucks. Excerpt:

She sat in briefings and knew about enhanced interrogation
But claims she wasn't there, and can't give an explanation.
She disparages the CIA and says they are a bunch of liars
Even the press aren't buying it and they're stoking their fires.

Well I wrote a poem for Mike Huckbee

Rose are red
Violets are blue
I suck at poetry
But I’m better than you


Anyways…

LESSON TO BE LEARNED: Stop putting people from the most liberal parts of the nation in party leadership roles. They don’t know how to do anything. To get elected in San Francisco by a bunch of hippies, Nancy Pelosi doesn’t have to do shit. Most of the San Francisco electorate is stoned during any election. They all show up and pull the lever for the “D” candidate (hoping it stands for “DIME BAG,” but they always accept the outcome later).

Similarly, John Kerry was awful at campaigning because he came from Massachusetts, where nobody cares how liberal you are or asks you tough questions. This is the state where Republican Mitt Romney said he was a stronger supporter of gay rights than Ted Kennedy. According to a PMW/Daily Planet poll, when asked their stance on gay rights, Bostonians answered:

8%: I stand proudly for homosexual rights

5%: I’m watching Glenn Beck, don’t bother me.

87%: I’m watchin’ the Sox. Piss off!

But, I can hear you asking, what about Barack Obama? He comes from Chicago, as blue as San Francisco or Massachusetts. Excellent question. Obama defied logic here for many reasons. First, he has magical powers, or at least we hope he does. Face it, as the economy goes deeper and deeper into the shitter, you’re hopin’ like hell that he’s the Messiah (Make it stop, Lord, please!).

Second, having lived in Chicago (aka the Most Corrupt Place Ever), let me tell you: Politics is not dominated by Democrats or Liberals or Hippies or Commies. It’s dominated by Corruption. Mayor Daley built a corrupt empire, then mentored Rod Blagojevich, now an infamous example of the Windy City (which is actually named for its politicians’ hot air, although the wind will also knock you on your ass from time to time).

Finally, Obama grew up on the South Side of Chicago. If you can survive that, you can do anything. I used to think a black man getting elected president would be very difficult, but having lived on the South Side, I realize the hardest day as president will be a piece of cake for Obama. No matter what happens, he has secret service. On the South Side, you can be shot in the face at any moment (skipping obvious Dick Cheney joke). This is like an easy retirement for Barack, and I say he deserves it. He should be able to get a lot done as president, as long as the bumbling Speaker of the House stays out of his way!