2010: The Year We Make Contract

Sorry I’ve been posting so rarely. My life has been really busy, now that I have a day job. Also, I’ve felt mostly humorless about politics lately. So here is a list of recent stuff that bothered me in this foul year of our lord 2009 that I hope changes (Please Obama, give us that change you promised right now!). In the spirit of PMW’s Contract for America, designed by Goofers, I submit to you, Resolutions for America in 2010.

Stop hoping or expecting the most successful athletes/actors/politicians will be the most moral citizens. You don’t rise to the top by being the nicest. You do it by being confident and driven, boldly pursuing what you want, and not taking “no” for an answer. Those are not the characteristics of saints and family man. If anything, we should view famous people as MORE likely to cheat. You don’t have to be HAPPY Tiger cheated, but at the very least, don’t be SURPRISED or HURT. He did not cheat on the public. It’s not our business if he cheats, unless it’s on the golf course (or unless he bangs another woman on the golf course during a tournament). In 2010, expect more Charlie Sheen and less Tom Hanks.

Stop acting like there was an obvious course of action in Afghanistan. (Yeah, I took a shot at Goofers. It happens sometimes) Obama had to decide among a set of less terrible options. I have no idea if he’s doing the right thing and anyone who is sure either way frightens me. This surge could easily turn into Vietnam Part II, but leaving could increase the chances of an Af-Pak Nuclear Free-For-All. Obama is walking a fine line and it may turn out that he’s doing brilliantly. He may also be trying too hard to please everyone and may end up failing miserably and incurring everyone's wrath. Is this 8 years overdue or 8 years too late? In 2010, we may find out.

Stop acting like Mike Huckabee is on the hook for the murder of those Tacoma cops. This went down in my state, so it definitely matters to me. There are many people partly to blame, and Huck is one of them, but he pardoned a teenager sent to jail for approximately 100 years for armed robbery. If you think that was a fair punishment, you’re insane. However, I will enjoy watching to see what far-right stance Huck will soon take to try to win back the conservative base. In 2010, Huck-Haters need to find legit reasons to attack Huck, or at least make fun of him getting fat again.

Stop making hopelessly inconsistent arguments. Republican leaders say Obama/Pelosi/Reid never worked in the private sector, so they can't run the economy well. So...I’ll be expecting resignations in 2010 from those of them who have not served in the military, since they can't keep us safe, as well as resignations from those who haven't worked in the non-profit sector, since they can't solve our social problems. In 2010, I don’t expect politicians to change, but I hope the public will tire of their bullshit.

Stop letting the GOP bully you, Democrats. Stand up for yourselves. The GOP is using the filibuster in historically unprecedented ways. It was always used relatively rarely, then the Democrats used it to stop many of Bush’s judges, and now the GOP uses it to stop any bill they dislike. Basically, the Democrats now need 60 votes to pass anything (the GOP needs fewer votes because the Dems are cowards). While some delight in this cautious approach to governance, it means that nothing ever happens in congress (and my jokes about Democratic cowardice are getting stale, so it also deprives me of new material). If a party scores huge victories in elections, they should be allowed to govern, and then if the public disapproves of their governance, they should vote them out next time. It doesn't matter which party is in power. The public deserves the government they put in power, even if you think it’s bad. I say, bust out the nukes! Nuclear Option! Kill the filibuster! In 2010, the Democrats should pass the Harkin Plan or something like it.

Stop acting like the world is ending. You don’t need to hoard gold or guns. We’re gonna make it. In 2010, things will get better. Trust me.

Congressional Cripple Fight

Disclaimer: If you are offended by jokes about the disabled, or casual use of the word “cripple,” please stop reading now, because this isn’t gonna be pretty. But first, let me argue that whether you call them Specially-Abled Persons or Crippety Crips shouldn’t matter. PC labels do not cure them of their disability nor do labels help them garner the respect they deserve. We should accept people’s flaws rather than pretend that we don’t see them. These people are not worthless even if their legs are. Unless, their legs can be cured with medical treatment, which brings us to today’s subject.

Cripple fight in Congress! Have you ever seen two more ineffectual groups battle and bicker with each other in such a hopeless stalemate? It’s like Jimmy and Timmy on South Park. You have Timmy, who spouts the same thing over and over again, and Jimmy, talks more but still struggles.

“So we should have a…a, you know, a public option. To compete with the private companies, so they--.”

“SOCIALISM!”

“Well, okay…how ‘bout a, a, a, a weak public option, so that the private companies can, uh, do better than the public option and then it’s definitely not a socialist kinda--”

“SOCIALISM!”

“So then we can, like, make a like, a like, private plan, but, like, call it a public plan and the government would, like, you know, look at it from time to time, and be like--”

“SOCIALISM!”

The Republicans are making amazing use of what little power a 40-seat opposition has, but all they can do is stall. And they can’t win public support because they have no coherent vision, just contradictory reasons why the Democrats’ ideas are dangerous (But the one perk of being in the minority is you can do that all day long).

For example, there are two main problems with the Democrats’ health care reform: First, it will cost too much. Second, it will have death panels that will pull the plug on Grandma because they'll be SO concerned about keeping costs down, but at the same time costs will be SO high that Uncle Sam will go bankrupt or need to tax all your money.

The public option is also a huge problem. The worst part about the public option is that it will be terrible for everyone who has it. The second worst thing is that this terrible government health plan will attract everyone to it and put the good health plans out of business. People will voluntarily choose inferior, evil government health plans, putting all the good plans out of business. Americans will make these unbelievably dumb decisions, even though they are smart enough that they don't need the government to make decisions for them. Don't hurt yourself trying to understand this, especially if you have bad insurance.

Finally, the GOP is proposing an amendment requiring that all members of congress enroll in the public option. If it's so good, why don't you try it, the GOP asks, channeling the first grader in all of us. This is the second best argument the GOP has made, only surpassed by their argument that socialized medicine is bad and consumers should have choices, but should not be able to choose a public option. So, we established before that the biggest threat from the public option is that if it crowds out the private sector, people will be FORCED into it. And no one should be forced into the public plan. Except congress. (Al Franken is up for it anyway).

So the Democrats are facing an opposition which just spouts complete nonsense and is less powerful than the opposition the Republicans faced during the Bush years, but they have been unable to convince the public and are too afraid to stand up to a filibuster. The Blue Dogs are also proving difficult to convince, but it looks like after a bunch of fuss, most or all of them may come around (they’re all bark and no bite), but only after Democrats made huge compromises on the bill. Still, it’s been a helluva thing to witness. The Republicans haven’t had a leg to stand on and the Democrats have been paralyzed by fear. Looks like a cripple fight from here.

PMW UPDATE: UPDATE!

We've got t-shirts people! They're going for $30.00 + S&H. We need all the help we can get from your pockets since most of us are unemployed or working at minimum wage jobs.





We have two tshirt styles currently available which we will be transfering into a "Merch" section once we figure out how to do it. Both styles can be delivered in Men's or Women's t-shirt cuts and sizes.







Style 1: PMW Main Logo

Style 2: PMW Update Logo

Send T-Shirt Requests to PoliticalMouthWash@gmail.com, please be sure to specify size, design and color.

Regards,

Goofers

PMW Update: Oh my god is this blog still here? I am SOOooo sorry..

I want to send out a heartfelt public apology to all the readers of this blog (all six of you). I had an unfortunate job working for the Dark Lord Kromdar over the last 8 months and he gave me little if any time to blog or use my soul in any way other than to fuel his dark dominion in the undercaverns of Mt. Doom. I know, it's really no excuse to let you down and I felt that in order to maintain our credibility with the readership we needed to establish some sort of trust bond or safety blanket type thingy so that you aren't left in this kind of situation again.

If this wasn't a digital sort of pledge I'm sure we'd all spend a day together doing trust falls backward into each others arms and re-enacting our birth from the womb of forgiveness but since this is a blog, and i'm pretty sure that kind of stuff is all clap trap anyways, Let's do this... I'd like to offer you the same kind of bullshit pillow talk that the Republican party offered us way back in 1994.

I present to you:

THE POLITICAL MOUTHWASH CONTRACT WITH AMERICA!!

The Deadbeat Bloggers and Journalists at PMW declare the following:

1. We shall post every week (rain or shine) twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday.

2. We will do our best to rely less on facts (which are easy to get wrong) and try to write articles based solely on opinion and conjecture.

3. We promise to use smaller words and keep all text at a maximum of a 6th grade reading level

4. We will decrease the amount of drunk/high blog postings by 50% over the next 10 months.

5. If anybody still wants a PMW T-shirt they are officially on sale today for $30, email me for details and i can get them to you within 17 business days.

Thanks everybody for your understanding...stay weird!