You Gotta Fight…Pastor Wright…For Your PARTY!

Your primary’s going long, man, Hillary needs to go
Everyone asks her please but she still says NO!
You thought you dodged a scandal but it just didn’t work
Cuz your preacher preaches crap like he’s some kinda jerk.

You Gotta Fight…Pastor Wright…For Your PARTY!

PMW awards the Least Gracious Idiot prize to the Wrong Reverend Jeremiah Wright. After Obama kindly put up with his crazy rants, he has continued to make controversial statements. Hopefully, this will help Obama, as it diversifies Rev. Wright’s Greatest Hits, which previously included such gems as “G.D. America” (apparently he’s still learning the Ten Commandments) and “Louis Farrakhan epitomizes greatness” (apparently he is bat-shit insane). While he recently showed a softer side, a sense of humor, and some reasonable beliefs, he also saw fit to reemphasize his belief that the government created AIDS to kill black people.

So this forced Obama to cut this wacko loose. If he’s lucky, it gives him the one-two punch of initially showing gutsy compassion for his pastor in a time of need, but ultimately demonstrating that he will only tolerate so much and is not a pushover. If he’s unlucky, he takes on the Flip Flopper Label. If you know your political chemistry, you know that Elitism + Flipping ---> John Kerry. This perfect storm would destroy him.

What will happen to Obama? Will Wright ever shut up? Will people care? Tune in next week for the answer and for the sequel, which covers John McCain’s campaign: “No Sleep Till the Cameras Turn Off.”

PROFILES OF REAL ISSUES: Education

I’m not too impressed with the average person’s body of knowledge. I’m not gonna lie; I think many people are dumb (or at least wouldn’t have known to put a semicolon there). That probably makes me an elitist (although for the record, I do not read books per se and I haven’t memorized any literary passages, so does that count for anything?). Bob Herbert noted last week in the New York Times (The Elitist’s Bible) that:

“A recent survey of teenagers…found that a quarter could not identify Adolf Hitler, a third did not know that the Bill of Rights guaranteed freedom of speech and religion, and fewer than half knew that the Civil War took place between 1850 and 1900.”

Solution: Education. That means reading the news, going back to school, and being informed, rather than voting for the candidate who gives the best speeches or who you’re familiar with or seems tough. I know, I know, that sounds unpleasant (did I mention I don’t read books per se?). As a lazy person, I sympathize with you. I only read the news to avoid studying or doing chores…so, wait a minute, let’s try something else. To have our cake and eat it too, we have to revitalize our democracy without doing the work ourselves.

We need to make America's children do it. Pass the responsibility on to future generations! Who’s with me? We’re a lost cause anyhow. At this point, we’ve all become entrenched in our place in this democracy of (1) being judgmental, (2) singing Kumbayah, or (3) drinking our indifference away (I am torn between singing and drinking and prefer to just combine the two).

The children are our future. They could turn it around. Put them to work! Make them figure things out. Teach them how to use their minds. When they start calling us out for being idiots, we’ll know we’ve done our job. And really, they’ll have done most of the work.

Education: Our democracy saved. Our children prepared. We do nothing. Win-win-win!

GUEST POST by GENE SHALIT

Today, PMW has received its first prestigious guest post from NBC’s Gene Shalit. He is known as one of the punniest move critics in the nation and he rocks that crazy handlebar mustache.

This general election was set up to be No Country for Old Men. McCain had no chance. But now the primaries are getting ugly and after this Philadelphia Story, let me tell you, There Will Be Blood.

Hillary is hoping to survive until the Colorado convention, where she and the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels who advise her will try to steal the nomination. Obama’s candidacy could go from the Man Who Would Be King to Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead.

Mr. Shalit went on like this, but we decided to cut him off here. His became progressively less funny until he started actually reviewing movies that recently came out.

Barack Obama may want to forget Hillary Clinton, but no one will be Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This movie is hilarious! I have a handlebar mustache!

We attempted to salvage his post by steering him toward political movies. He had no puns for us, but he shared a few interesting thoughts. He loved the movie SiCKO, saying Michael Moore made him feel thin. He then apologized for the poor quality of his post, as politics is "not his thing," but he was the best celebrity PMW could get.

Super Tuesday Redux: I’m Exhausted

Just like on Super Tuesday and every damn big primary Tuesday since, we had another election night that could have been written by J. J. Abrams. These elections are more hyped than any Lost episode and reveal far less. Here is the breakdown of the numbers:

Clinton’s Margin of Victory and Outcome

Less than 4 Clinton drops out

4-6 Clinton stays in, but no one cares

7-10 Uncertain, The Waco Kid slams his head into wall repeatedly

More than 10 Clinton regains a shred of credibility

Yes, the survey says 10% victory for Hillary. Once again, tonight we learn nothing! We continue to go in circles. Hillary’s victory seems impossible, but her elimination seems impossible, too. Her ghost will haunt Obama from the convention to the presidential debates. So, I am frustrated and exhausted.

This is terrible for me. It’s my job to cover this election (An angry commenter once told me, “Don’t quit your day job,” but I’m currently unable to find a day job). I can’t write anymore about this worthless rivalry. They agree on the issues almost entirely. I’ve already made jokes about potential endings, the endlessness of it all, and how bad the media coverage is. At this point, I may have to rely heavily on racist and sexist humor or else simply post papers I’ve written for school. This is like Chinese water torture. I can’t go on. I’m exhausted.

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN?: Pennsylvania Postpones Primary

In an defiant act that left The Waco Kid with an aneurysm, The Keystone Light State decided to postpone its primary elections another four weeks. State Democratic Party officials saw this is move as being in the best interests of the people of Pennsylvania.






“Our economy is in the tank, but the relentless campaigning here has produced a turnaround,” decreed PA Governor Ed Rendell, a Hillary supporter. "If we hold this election now, our gains will be reversed and Pennsylvania’s economy will spiral downward with the rest of the Rustbelt States." He added, “Both my candidate and Obama have spent the last six weeks arguing over what’s best for the struggling, working people of this great state. Well, this is the answer: more campaigning.”




Senator Bob Casey, an Obama supporter, agreed that this was what the people of Pennsylvania needed. “The more campaigning we have here, the less pork I have to bring home in the Senate and the more I can focus on the issues I believe in. So please, if you want me to serve the country and not the special interests, we MUST delay this election!”






All other 49 states signed a petition in opposition to this course of action, making this the most nationally unpopular political act ever. This is the first time 49 states have agreed on anything since Walter Mondale ran against Reagan in 1984 (except for the Patriot Act, but that was the political equivalent of getting rufied). Howard Dean vowed to strip The Quaker Oats State of all its delegates. Gov. Rendell balked at the idea, mocking Dean. “You can’t stop us. What’re you gonna do? Scream?” So, sadly, we face four more weeks of campaigning here. Madness...



Disclaimer: Political Mouthwash did not receive compensation for its mention of Keystone © or Quaker Oats ® and this does not qualify as product placement. PMW does not officially endorse either product, although The Waco Kid highly recommends Quaker Oatmeal, but not Keystone Light. As a superior alternative to Keystone if you are in PA, I recommend Yuengling Lager or plunging off the Ben Franklin Bridge.

PROFILES OF REAL ISSUES: Health Care

HILLARYCARE 2.0
Campaign Strategy: “This is my plan, it’s the BEST. And dammit, we’re gonna do it, no matter what the Republicans say.”
Coverage Claims: 100% of Americans vs. Obama’s 90% (that’s still an A where I come from)
Actual Coverage: 98-99% vs. 97-98% (Sorry, Paul Krugman, her plan is not perfect)
Benefits: Mandates are likely to increase coverage.
Pitfalls: Mandates are not a guarantee. Also, they make it easier to portray her program as Socialist.



OBAMEDICARE©
Campaign Strategy: “People don’t want to be forced to buy insurance, but they’ll probably just buy it anyway if you make it cheap enough.”
Coverage Claims: “Uh…both are probably very good, but mine cuts costs more.”
Actual Coverage: Hillary’s is likely a bit higher (see above).
Benefits: It may do more to reduce costs. Mandates backfire if costs are not reduced enough (Some people in Massachusetts actually pay fines rather than obey health care mandates)
Pitfalls: Hillary is probably right in this case that mandates generally increase coverage. (Even a clock that’s stopped is right twice a day!)




McHEALTHCARE
(Has a name fit for a McDonald’s menu and coincidentally sounds like a cheap, unhealthy product)
Campaign Strategy: “Hey, at least it’s not socialized medicine. Leave that to the Dumbocrats.”
Coverage Claims: “We really should focus on Foreign Policy. If we leave Iraq, the terrorists will follow us home, so really we save lives by staying in Iraq.”
Actual Coverage: Undetermined. Although, the longer we stay in Iraq, the more we can classify our health care spending as military spending! That could work, I mean, those military hospitals have offered our troops good care, right?
Benefits: Allows McCain to focus on the issues he’s more comfortable with. It’s also not ambitious at all, which greatly reduces the chances of failure.
Pitfalls: Reveals McCain’s discomfort with domestic issues. Also, his lack of interest in this issue suggests he is not expecting to make it through 8 years in the Oval Office.



WINNER: UNDETERMINED. Depends on how shallow, vapid, and worthless the media coverage of this issue will be.


The above campaign quotes are not direct quotes, but they are flawless interpretations of campaign platforms.

Obamedicare ® is a copyright of Political Mouthwash. If you steal it, you’ll only increase our blog’s credibility.

THANK YOU, COLIN POWELL!

As John McCain and Barack Obama battle it out for the title of Most Beloved by Independents, we now remember that no one has captured the love of Independents and Moderates than Colin Powell. Many people single-handedly credit him with giving Bush’s case for war credibility. “Oh well, Powell was for the war, I mean, how could I say no to him?” Much like McNamara in Vietnam, this former Secretary of State and voice of reason fell quickly from grace. Unlike McNamara, Powell is trying to fix his mistake now.

On Thursday, Powell, echoing PMW criticisms of the war, said that troop levels must be reduced during the next presidency. This is a huge blow to McCain, who Powell has frequently praised, as McCain is known for emphasizing a need for US troops to stay in Iraq and has not offered support for any possible troop cuts.

The question is: If the darling of the Middle has abandoned McCain on this issue, will this finally destroy his Maverick image? Obama has stolen his mantle of being fresh, anti-Washington, pro-change, and “more in-touch with the people” and McCain’s age will certainly be an issue. If the public sides with Powell on Iraq, he’s dead in the water. If he abandons his signature issue, he’ll look like an idiot, and will be left only with the economy, which he admits to knowing nothing about. If he sticks with it, he’ll have no chance. So if this works, opponents of the war owe Colin Powell a huge THANK YOU.

But wait, there’s more! Obama consults Powell on foreign affairs, so if you think about it, it's not totally impossible for…Obama/Powell 2008. That would be a powerhouse ticket. Also, imagine what that does to the prospects of Obama being assassinated. Shoot the black president, what do you get? ANOTHER BLACK PRESIDENT! Take that, racists!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!: Springsteen endorses Obama...ELECTION (essentially) OVER!

Wouldn't it be amazing if there were certain people who had the power to decide the entire presidential election with their own choice. The Democrats of course have "superdelegates", individuals who's votes matter more than the rest of us. But what about the general election? Is there anybody in a general election (besides the electoral college members) who have the power to overthrow the will of the common man?

The answer comes in two parts. 1) Yes, the Founding Fathers (namely the Federalists) believed that the "common man" was not suitable to actually decide to the fate of the presidency alone. For this reason they instated two safeguards to protect the "common man" from his own will. The first of course being the Electoral College. A large group of political elites from each state who would decide the outcome of the election after the WE THE PEOPLE had cast our inconsequential and largely ceremonial vote. But what we all fail to realize that there was a second safeguard that the Founding Fathers in their infinite wisdom decided would further protect us from ourselves. That of course, being the ultimate BOSS.....Bruce Springsteen. So as we all know, today "The Boss" endorsed Barack Obama. That means that of course, he must win, because "The Boss" has willed it. He's the ultimate stop gap, and the Founding Fathers have mandated him.

Obama Wins!

Some dudes ask Hillary and Obama about some stuff…

The Greeks invented democracy, so you can imagine it would take a Greek to destroy it. And dammit if George Stephanopoulos didn’t step right up to the plate. He, along with the mostly tolerable Charlie Gibson, grilled the candidates about the key issues facing us today, including:

1. Whether the US government should take military action against Reverend Wright and whether Obama should be charged with treason for his ties to Wright
2. The investigation into the shots allegedly fired at Hillary Clinton during her trip to Bosnia, specifically who fired them, whether they were real, why it’s worth discussing (which Hillary answered definitively**)
3. The Common People v. Barack Obama, the case before the Supreme Court that will determine if elitism is covered in free speech.
4. The candidates’ views on the troubling new study revealing that 53% of voters have figured out that Hillary is not “honest and trustworthy.”
5. Whether or not they would wake McCain if he fell asleep while debating them.
6. Will the upcoming surge in TV sales help turn the economy around? (caused by people watching the debate who become so frustrated that they destroy their TV sets)

**Hillary proved the relevance of the Sniper Fire question with her response, which was the most dumbfounding response to a question since her husband used the word “is” to ask for a clarification of the meaning of the word “is.” Her response: "I said some things that weren't in keeping with what I knew to be the case." Wow, that’s…I mean if you’re paying attention and you speak English, that sounds like a needlessly fancy way of saying “I said things some things which were not really the truth.” (Who’s the elitist now?) That is commonly known as…lying. I’ve never heard someone admit to lying so casually, while at the same time trying to use words which would, like, make her seem far too erudite to have committed such an affront to verity.

They did eventually discuss a few meaningless issues like dependence on foreign oil and payroll taxes, but they mostly stuck to the issues that are truly important to the people (of the Mainstream Media).

Don’t worry, America. Next week, we’ll finally have another primary to break up the monotony. We can make it!

Presidential Drink-Off 2008!

Every four years, America gets to relive something special. It's time to pick a new President, and that usually means a couple rich and highly privileged individuals (who went to Harvard..but sometimes Yale) get together and pretend to be something they're not.....normal. So some "brilliant" minds within the Hillary campaign stepped into the game with an idea. "Why not expose our presidential hopefuls to the great EQUALIZER". No no, I'm not talking about Smith & Wesson (although Mr. Obama also misunderstood this reference last week) I'm talking about Alcohol! What better way to see candidates perform at their best when they're bodies are at their worst?

If their brains were flags, we'd send them to half mast and see what happens! I know it's a gamble, but seriously, we don't have a whole lot of chances left here.... - Clinton Aid

Democrats have it tough this year. Usually the classic formula is a white privileged male pretending to be a middle class male (who is still arguably quite privileged)who endevours in some sort of charade to potentially fool America into believing that he is a part of the "common folk". The problem today is that no candidates can clearly fit the bill as "privileged white men". But Who Cares! LET THE DRINK OFF BEGIN!!!!!

Name: Barack Hussein Obama

Drinking name(s): Big-O

Drink of Choice: Vodka Martini

Profile: On one hand, Big-O is half-white and half-black. He's no product of privilege and has in fact worked very hard to earn himself a place within national politics. In real life he's a flawed man who smokes cigarettes and handles his liquor with gusto. He can throw back well bourbon and $2 pitchers of MGD with the rest of them, however prefers the quiet elegance of a neatly stirred dry martini. Is he a wealthy out of touch politician or a professional alcoholic who prefers only the most potent of vices?

Type of Drunk: Serious, Methodical

Name: Hillary Rodham Clinton
Drinking name(s): THE HILL, Billary, Hill-Bill(y)

Drink of Choice: Long Island Ice Tea

Profile: Probably fits of the bill of "Privileged White Man" better than any candidate Democrat or Republican. She grew up in a wealthy Illinois suburb, the daughter of a successful textile manufacturing owner. She studied at Yale, was a staunch conservative who supported Barry Goldwater and was a proud member of the Young Republicans; WTF why is she a Democrat? Because she got wasted on a school bus heading to Cabo San Lucas during the Lee Atwater Middle School 7th grade Spring Vacation! That's right, Bill's not the only wild one in the family. Topless photos were apparently leaked to the press but were largely ignored due to her husbands more illustrious affairs as president. No no...I wish that second part were true, but alas, Hillary Clinton does not strike anyone as a legitimate drinker. Watching her down shots of Crown was about as convincing as watching Paris Hilton learn how to repair tractor trailers on The Simple Life.

Type of Drunk: First Ladies Gone Wild!...?

Name: John McCain
Drinking name(s): Z's, Old Snorey, Grandpa Nap-time
Drink of Choice: A glass of wine (but only after 7:30)
Profile: John McCain our last contender, does not clearly fill the "white privilege" mold, in that he had the privilege thrust upon him, but chose to forgo his privileges in favor of service to the United States; ultimately, he was captured and spent 7 agonizing years tortured by the Vietcong. "Man" is also a stretch for John McCain because it really doesn't accurately describe him without certain prefixes like "old," "crotchety," "bitter old," "grumpy old," "senile old," "incontinent old" - Man. Usually when one or all of these prefixes apply, then we reach for the more gentle title of "grandpa". John McCain is the type of person that falls asleep after half a glass of Napa Wine. That's okay though, because he's really not supposed to be drinking since alcohol conflicts with his Alzheimer's medication. When he wakes up in 3 hours he'll be crying and wondering why he's not at home because the last thing he remembers was watching Matlock then getting up to go pee.
Type of Drunk: Featherweight Old-timer



While not necessarily run-of-the-mill, these three political elites are still not the "common man" by a long shot. Obama, is too good of a public speaker, too big of a dreamer and much larger than life to be like any one of us. Clinton is an Ivy League success story that seems to be everywhere at the right time. McCain has had one of the most incredible lives in the Senate; we're still waiting for the John McCain feature film damn it! Still, the winner of this years drink off has to go the Barack Obama. The vodka martini might be the "classy man's drink" but that's like 4 shots of straight vodka! Plus he's convincing as hell when he drinks it...like he wasn't always a Washington fat cat. Perhaps once, long long ago, he was just like one of us.

WINNER OBAMA!

I’m Bitter

Well, I tried to ignore the issue, but I couldn’t resist. Obama said working class people are “bitter” because times can get bad and the system is unresponsive to them. “They cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Now, I suppose this could come off as elitist (which doesn’t make it false) and it may hurt Obama. However, I have to say that I find this issue, like other issues that the MSM reports on…dumb and meaningless. Now Hillary is selling “I’m Not Bitter” stickers to show what an elitist Obama is. Last time I checked, 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. So…maybe they’re not bitter. Maybe they’re taking it in stride!

So in response to Hillary’s silly campaign tactic #52, PMW offers you free I’m Bitter signs. We don’t have stickers to sell (like we’ve ever gotten around to selling merchandise...), but for now, enjoy these signs.

Finish Her!

I can’t wait for Pennsylvania. Really, I’m losing my mind. Nothing seems important anymore. Obama said voters are “bitter.” Hillary said, “How dare you?” Boo hoo. I feel like someone left my Zune on repeat while I was falling asleep and I have to listen to the same song over and over again. I can’t take it. Seriously. It is more frustrating because Hillary’s chances are so small. She has to distribute “I’m not bitter” stickers because she’s so desperate. We’re being subjected to this Six Week Snooze Fest because Hillary decided to play Electoral Roulette. “I’m putting the party’s unity on Blue 22!” Apparently, she has learned to enjoy losing.

Hillary is down, but not out. She probably cannot win, but the fact of the matter is one person must take responsibility for her continued presence in the race. His name is Barack Obama. This is a contest where you must defeat your opponent. Opponents may not go down easily. Hillary has compared herself to a heroic boxer from Philadelphia: Rocky (although the Obama camp pointed out that Rocky lost to a black guy). Obama needs to knock her out and he needs to do it soon. Finish her!

General Delay Us

You certainly cannot count on the media to report on the Petraeus testimony. The MSM’s job can be done by a 3-year-old. Real analysis sometimes pops up, but rarely. So allow PMW to give you the rundown.

This week, General David “Betray Us” was back in Washington (unfortunately, MoveOn.org was not prepared with fresh slander against him, leaving the media with little idea of what to report on). He was there with his sidekick, Ambassador Betty “Ryan” Crocker. It seems like the administration has, through some clerical error, placed two people who sort of know what’s going on in key positions, although they didn’t give any huge answers to the Foreign Relations Committee. The main story was General Petraeus’s request for 45-Day Evaluation Period. All fighting will stop and everyone will fill out questionnaires.

Iraq War Surge Evaluation Questionnaire
My role in the war is…
c US Soldier
c Sunni Soldier
c Shi’a Soldier
c Kurdish Soldier
c Innocent Bystander
c Al Qaeda
c Aiding the enemy by advocating withdrawal

Please rate the results of the surge in your area
c Conditions are less horrendous
c Conditions are equally horrendous
c Conditions are more horrendous
c I have been in the hospital/Not Sure

As a commander/ally/opponent, Gen. Petraeus has…
c Exceeded Expectations
c Met Expectations
c Failed to Meet Expectations

I believe US forces should
c Remain in Iraq
c Be Increased
c Surrender
c Attack Iran Instead
c Are Damned if They Do and Damned if They Don’t

Overall, this survey…
c Was Unnecessary
c Confirmed the Obvious
c Will Not Influence US Policy
c Bought Bush Some Time

Well, good thinking, General. He is basically calling time out, like when the referees aren't paying attention and need to discuss what the call should be. However, in this case, it’s more like when the TV networks make the refs call time out for some commercials.

“We interrupt this war for a word from our sponsors. Man, the economy is bad. But what if I said you have won $600. That’s right, Uncle Sam understands these are tough times and he has some cash for you. Go buy yourself something pretty. Don’t spend it on something immoral and unpatriotic like drugs or credit card debt. Back to you, Chairman Biden.”

So back in the Committee hearings, Petraeus says things are better, but we still don’t know when we will able to leave. It’s not Petraeus’s fault, but did we need a committee hearing to learn that things are unpredictable and uncertain? Meanwhile McCain is going on about how we’ll stay there for years and years, somehow finding troops, supplies, and money for that without raising taxes, lowering standards, or having a draft. Senator Dole—I mean McCain—insisted that things could still improve dramatically, which is…I mean…He basically thinks, to paraphrase Ross Perot (as played by Dana Carvey), that he can pee into a Mr. Coffee and get Taster’s Choice. Although at his age, McCain would be lucky to make it to the Mr. Coffee in time.

Let’s Come Back Down to Earth, People

First of all, April Fools to all our readers! Who actually believed I died? Come on! You can't kill The Kid. Pimps don't die they multiply! But let's get back to business...

My support for Barack Obama has been no secret for quite sometime. He’s a great speaker, very intelligent, and as far as I can tell, the best candidate of those who ran for president this year. I THINK he would be a very good president. I THINK he would actually enact change and be a departure from the conventional politics people constantly complaint about.

But let’s come back down to Earth, people. He is not the Messiah. He is not a sure thing. It is my BEST GUESS that he is so great (largely based on the fact that he’s left-handed). It may be your best guess. However, Obama is a wildcard. As much as the importance of experience is exaggerated (and the amount of experience Hillary actually has is exaggerated), anytime you pick someone without much of a record, they are a wildcard.

This is largely how people got conned into electing a Compassionate Conservative who preached a “humble foreign policy.” George W. Bush has not really been compassionate, conservative, or humble at point in his presidency. On the Democratic side, JFK was a wildcard who most people would say lived up to the hype, but Jimmy Carter, who similarly called for change, is largely viewed as a failure. So, please, keep this in mind and don’t overhype him.

Let me be frank. Some of you Obamaniacs (or whatever the hip journalists call you), are frightening people. You like him too much. There are stories of people fainting when they see him. The Obama girl was a funny (and smokin hot!) internet joke, but this has gotten out of hand.

I have witnessed firsthand how crazy supporters can be a drag for their candidate. I went to a Howard Dean rally in Seattle once (The Department of Homeland Security found out and they put me on their No Fly List). While we all waited for Dean to make a pragmatic speech about how the war was a tactical error and Bush was a bad leader, we somehow were treated to some pre-show nonsense.

A bunch of hippies came out singing all these happy, peace-loving, utopian songs. It was nauseating. Many “Deaniacs” were just Kucinich supporters who were sick of losing and willing to compromise. All these obnoxious, unhygienic vegans made Dr. Dean, a preppy from Park Avenue, look like a Communist. So please, keep loving Barack Obama, but remember he’s just a man. If you keep hyping him so much, you’ll just set him up for failure.

Admin Update V: We shall fight no more FOREVER

Today, tragedy has fallen upon Political Mouthwash staffers. This morning at precisely 9:53 Eastern Standard time, in the Year of our Lord (Jesus H. Christ, D-Heaven) Two Thousand and Ought Seven, our beloved friend and good fellow "The Waco Kid" was tragically gunned down in the mean streets of Chicago, by a band of wild terrorists hellbent on causing political instability and emotional distress for the many millions of readers who frequent this fine political mouthpiece. This violent and senseless act has still not settled in on the vast majority of America, but this tragic assassination will undoubtedly be remembered among the throws of other "greats" who were mercilessly gunned down in the prime of their lives. Those individuals include but are not limited to:

Jesus H. Christ (D-Heaven), Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy (President, D-Mass), Malcolm X, Medgar Evars, John Lennon (D-The Beatles).

Today "Waco Kid", our heart goes out to your heavenly soul in it's non-corporeal form. We wish you the best, and understand that your loss is the unfortunate byproduct of a free society. In order to honor your memory there will be a moment of silence at precisely 10:00pm eastern standard time for no more and no less than 1 minute. To further honor the memory of "The Kid" all PMW employees will limit their viewing of online pornographic material to 45 minutes (absolutely no one shall be permitted to "finish"...The Waco Kid can see us all now, and we should at least give him one day of respect!)

Finally, as a show of respect to the last will and testament of The Waco Kid, world leaders have been pouring in their kind respects. Posted are just a few of those excerpts which we have received.

George Bush (Worst President, R-Texas): Gosh, I can't say that I'm sorry to see the Waco kid's writing gone. He was so witty and his word play was sooo biting. He was a real thorn in the side of all Republicans, but I must say, He had great taste in food. See, we both love tacos. Tacos rule :) I'll miss you Waco Kid *tear*



Three Six Mafia (Greatest Fictional President(s)): Awwww shit, damn kid had to get got by some terrorists. Well shit, the game is what it is. We lost a brave soldier today, so it's time to do how a man do, and take this to the bin Laden bitches. Right after we finish kicking some ass in Iraq, and fixing Katrina, and the power vacuum in Afghanistan, and the economy, and the energy crisis, and then we smoke these blunts.....light them trees!......STAY HIGH Till I DIE!!!!! ...once that's all done, WATCH OUT BIN LADEN!

Hillary Clinton (Whiny Bitch, D-New York): The tragic death of The Wacky Kid is another great example of why I am the only choice for democratic nominee in 2008. I'm ready to lead on day one and kill the terrorists. When that red phone rings, and Al Qaeda have crucified and publicly sodomized up your new born babies and cuddly pets I'll be there to smoke them out with the full might of the United States Army. I'm no stranger to war, just take a look at my video from Bosnia!

Aunt Jemima (Racist Marketing Pawn): The Waco Kid was a tireless champion for the poor and underclass of America. He was almost as effective at turning wealthy white folks (who run America) on to Barack Obama as I was at selling pancakes to them! Honestly child, have you tried these pancakes? Take a bite while I sing an old plantation song for you and dance a jig!

Anyways, The Waco Kid is dead today. Of course it is becoming nearly impossible to write these blogs with him dead and gone. Many have pointed out that stopping Political Mouthwash would be just what the terrorists wanted, and of course the obligatory "You can't let the terrorists win". Well fuck that, the terrorists win. As of April 1st 2008 PMW is no more. GOOD DAY!