Happy Thanksgiving from Political Mouthwash!

Greetings PMW Nation

We're all very tired from covering the election, very busy with our day jobs (or school or whatever it is that we do, be it acting or testing assault weapons), so no posts for awhile, probably through the holidays. But have a great Thanksgiving and eat a lot. And be sure to make this Thanksgiving PORK FREE. Eat turkey with no earmarks. (Wow, I guess I need a break to let my creativity come back to me...)

Cheers

The Waco Kid and PMW Staff

THE HOPE CABINET: What will change mean?

In the aftermath of the election, the big scoop in the MSM has been (aside from how the GOP will regroup) Obama’s cabinet. Rahm Emmanuel will be his Chief of Staff, which means (in case you don’t watch The West Wing) that he will run the office and just kind of…you know (why don’t you watch The West Wing???). Now, Hillary is getting lots of buzz for Secretary of State (Way to shatter that glass ceiling by becoming a secretary!!!) Obviously, PMW has been critical of Hillary, but this is different. Today, Obama announced Eric Holder will be his Attorney General and this is the direction the country needs to go in. This is the change we need!

We must have a Mustachioed Cabinet.

Eric Holder, Attorney General

Bill Richardson, Secretary of State

David Axelrod, Deputy Chief of Staff

Paul Krugman, Secretary of the Treasury (You’re off probation, buddy. I ain’t mad at ya!)

Hillary, if think you're up to being Secretary of State, you better step up!

***UPDATE

Obama has picked a clean-shaven Secretary of the Treasury, but he has picked Bill Richardson for Commerce (not State). Axelrod was made "Senior Advisor." Hillary accepted an offer for Secretary of State, but photos suggest she did NOT grow a mustache. Oh well...

Mr. Obama’s Neighborhood: Never Go There

Soon, President-Elect Obama will be moving to Washington D.C. and good for him because Hyde Park is a terrible place. Take it from me, another escapee of Hyde Park, the only thing nicer the scenery is when you get to leave. It’s a weird, stupid place that’s hard get to and even harder to leave. It’s not really a terrible place in and of itself, but it’s kind of boring, it’s far away from any cool neighborhoods and it's surrounded by neighborhoods which are sketchy or worse. Here is a map of Hyde Park showing where the crime spills into it (Waco nearly got mugged just west of Obama's house).

However, what this shows is that President Obama will have serious firsthand experience with poverty and crime and he will hopefully have a better idea of what communities need to rebuild (these areas were actually normal and even vibrant 10 years ago). It’s the Change Hyde Park Residents Need (to survive). So, let’s hope for the best. Few places need help more than the South Side.

Speaking of things which should be left alone, leave Sarah Palin alone! I hate to be the one to defend her, but good Lord! She’s not going to be president for at least four years and probably longer (or never, fingers crossed). Stop bothering her. She lost, she sucked, so who cares now? This is unfair to Sarah, Todd, Crisco, Trek, Snausage, and especially the newest Palin, Maverino.

Admin Update XIII: The Future of PMW

Greetings PMW Readers

We congratulate Barack Obama on his presidential victory. PMW had supported him since the primaries and Goofers endorsed him in our very first post (although Ron Paul would have made our jobs much easier). Anyway, onto the business of the day. We welcome the triumphant return (it’s for real this time) of our Executive Director and Editor-in-Chief Goofers McWaxalot. He has been plotting and scheming about the future of this fine blog (when he has a free minute). Nothing is set in stone, but I have heard about merchandising, a possible move to www.politicalmouthwash.com, and some level of expansion.

As we speak, our Senior Editor, The Waco Kid, is recruiting new staff members to write for us. Once again, any readers interested should submit guest posts. You may be given a regular job. We can’t pay you (YET), but it’s fun. And when we make it big, you may get paid and you’ll definitely have street cred (if not in the real world, at least here in the tubes.

Already, we have added a new member to the team. We welcome our new Associate Editor, Lance Murdock, to the PMW Staff. We expect he’ll bring lots of wit and wisdom to the table. And of course, thanks to all our awesome readers and commenters.

Cheers

PMW Staff

GUEST POST: The Least Popular Kid in the Class

Well it is official. The good men and women of America have officially decided that President Bush is the least popular president in the history of recording popularity. His disapproval rating has just topped 70%. To give you some perspective on just how unpopular this is, Richard Nixon after resigning the office of the presidency after Watergate had a disapproval rating of 66%. Harry Truman in January of 52 managed to hold the record for over fifty years at 67%. This means that people dislike Bush more then they were pissed about Vietnam in the 60’s, Hoover in the Great Depression, and again Nixon after he said that he STOLE the taxpayers money and lied to get into office.

There is an old saying that no one likes the smartest kid in the class. At least the smart kid is smart enough not to become the least popular kid in the class. While I am not ready to declare that the era of stupid politicians is over, I take some small amount of solace in the fact that we are getting there. The American people are weighing in that they want someone who knows that Africa is a continent and not a country in office. They want someone can bring respect back to the presidency. They want the office to mean something not just to them but to the rest of the world as well. They want to open the newspaper or watch The Daily Show and not see the leader of the free world dancing around like a buffoon or struggling to get through a complete sentence. They are sick of the president opening his mouth to reassure the American people that the economy is strong and then seeing the Dow drop hundreds of points. But mostly, they are just sick of believing that the government is unable to do anything at all to affect their lives for the better.

For the first time since WWII, people are saying that they actually want bigger government and believe that the government should help them with their lives. Well to those people I say this: “Help is on the way.” Obama has already inspired millions of people here and billions around the world that help is coming soon to a country near you January 20th. No longer do we have to live with the fear and frustration that our government can only be used as an instrument of apathy and talk. Action is not far behind and action converts hope into success. I look forward to the day where I can write a post saying that President Obama has broken the record for having the highest approval rating in history. In the meantime, I will take pleasure in the hope I have for this country and the world in times to come.

That is all.

-Lance Murdock

MSM’s ELECTION COVERAGE

For starters, I got to cover the election from Grant Park in Chicago for PMW, so that was pretty amazing. Due to a lack of merit-based ticketing, major networks had front row access, while I got to watch from afar on the Jumbo-Tron. I watched CNN’s coverage before and after, because the other networks were pretty much in the tank for their candidates. Here’s my report card.

HIGH POINTS

Roland Martin
Three cheers for his emotional speech on racial reconciliation and his assertion that allies of people of color should share the feeling of triumph. Classy work from one of the few rising stars of the MSM.

Campbell Brown and John King
John King reports news! It’s astonishing. He has no business on a major news network. There was no nonsense, no celebrity references. He was explaining important information! Wow! He had his “magic wall.” (CNN’s words, not mine, wtf Anderson Cooper?) And Campbell? Uh, she’s just hot and actually smart, too, making her more hot.

Low Points
Paul Begala

He continues to benefit from sitting next people to more lame than he is, thus preventing anyone from realizing how lame he is. Along with Alex Castellanos and Bill Bennett, he was less annoying than usual, but still contributed little.

CNN LOLograms
Help me, Wolf Blitzer, you’re my only hope. These were very cool for the first 30 seconds, but quickly proved to serve no purpose. Yet another technological gimmick from CNN. But No Bias No Bull correspondents appearing “via hologram” (lol?) is not as scary as what is to come. One day we’ll be voting for holograms. Our presidents will be phony, empty projections of some special interest. That would be scary.

In closing, I salute John McCain for a classy concession speech. Way to salvage some of your dignity, sir. You lost most of it in your complex political battle with W, but I can sense there’s still good in you. PMW calls for a ceasefire. No more attacks on you, for now.

Hind-wash: Why McCain lost in 2008

As we reach the end of the road in the 2008 Presidential Election, Obama has been crowned the victor. But most of us are on political overload at this point. Almost like LSD overdose, "you took too much man, too much." Hunter S Thompson might have summed up the Republican experience best. I changed the context of the quote to apply to the election rather than acid.

"The [Election] had shifted gears on [Them]. The next phase would probably be one of those hellishly intense introspective nightmares, followed by four [years] or so of catatonic despair."

-Dr. Hunter S Thompson

Let's get to it shall we? Begin the introspective nightmare! Why did it happen? Why was McCain a Loser?

REASON 1: He's a Fucking Cripple!

In this journalist/blogger's opinion what was the SOLE deciding factor in an Obama victory? Better policy, speaking ability, intelligence level, campaigner? None of the above! On November Fourth, America stood up and resoundingly told John McCain if you can't lift your arms above your shoulders, you shouldn't be president


"We will not go into that good night, with a man who will only be limited to low-fives for the rest of his presidency!"

- America

REASON 2: THE MAGICAL OBAMA GROUND GAME

Let's also give credit where it is due. McCain didn't lose due to his own incompetence and negligence alone. Obama brought to bare the most powerful ground game in an Election history. Just to give you some idea of the spectacle that was "The Obama-non ground game". Here is some real time footage of the campaign in action!

Things to watch for in this video:
1) Amazing organization skills: watch the Obama team "step in time"
2) Uniting of classes: Whether it be the rich woman in red or the lowly chimney sweeps everybody takes part.
3) Dodging the low blows from the old man: When McCain fires off shots from across the rooftops the Obama camp instinctively takes cover and quickly counter-punches.
4) Protecting the youth vote: The youth vote is vital to the Obama camp.
5) The old white people fear but eventually come to love the Obama campaign
6) Hillary Clinton makes an appearance in the very end with a "Votes for Women" sash. She proudly sacrifices her own presidential bid to march alongside the Obama supporters. Well done.


REASON 3: Sarah Palin is Probably Retarded...
I'm not sure how many people have been following this but in the most recent news, McCain staffers have acknowledged that Palin didn't know Africa was a continent, rather then just one big country and she couldn't name all the countries in North America. So I Actually think this is a legitimate claim. I know a lot of people are going to bitch and wine and say "Goofers...that's soooo un-PC of you." But i think she seriously has a mental disability. One of her kids has down syndrome for starters. I'm not sure if it's "Twix" or "Spatula" or whatever her fucking kids names are, it's one of them. Anyways, she probably passed it on to them. And, wait, seriously. Look at her kids names, could you imagine what's going to happen when she ends up in congress.

"Ok the house minority leader will now introduce Sarah Palin's new bill ....H.R. 100447 the Ok yeah Twix trig you betcha, go Alaska bill" (<-- dramatic interpretation) I leave you with this proof. But i warn it's quite painful to watch.

99 PROBLEMS BUT MCCAIN AIN’T ONE

PMW received the following statement from President-Elect Obama at 1:00 CT.














I got al Qaeda and other foes that nobody knows
And the insurgency in Iraq ain’t in its last throes
People wanna make sure their mortgage ain't foreclosed
Global warming’s melting the ice at the North Pole
Media critics say I got an elitist pose
I’m from the South Side, bitch, what type of facts are those
I coulda gone white collar if I had chose
Instead of community organizing for people without dough
I don’t know what you take me as
Or understand all the challenges Obama has
I’m from hopes to votes, cynics, I ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but McCain ain’t one
Hit me!

YES WE CAN! YES WE DID ! OBAMA

Election Eve: New Dirty Tricks from John McCain

PMW has recently discovered two flyers from the McCain campaign that discourage younger voters from making it out to the polls. A new low for the McCain camp.
(Click to Enlarge)

PMW NEWS FLASH: MSM Still Worthless and Confused

The MSM (previously Mostly Shitty Media, hereafter Mainly Schizo Media) clearly has no clue what’s going on in this election. One week, they tout a poll where Obama and McCain are in a dead heat. The next week, Obama’s up by double digits. Obviously, this makes for a great story, but come on! A single poll means nothing. So, let me predict the outcome of the election. I can do it better than any of those clowns (with few exceptions, and sorry, Krugman, you’re on probation, even with your Nobel).

Obama will win. It will be a bloodbath (think Saw VIII, or maybe Saw ’08). McCain will go home and take a well-deserved nap (lucky bastard). Obama will saunter into the White House victorious (although he’ll be sauntering into a shitstorm). Ludacris will write a song about how awesome it is. Kid Rock will tell Access Hollywood it’s a shame.

Maybe conservatives will emulate whiny liberals and threaten to move to…somewhere with no taxes (if they can stomach Spanish)…or maybe somewhere that’s ultra-conservative (Iran, North Korea, Russia?). Or maybe they’ll just all go to Alabama and lobby for more state’s rights. That could make for good legal trades between red and blue states! (We’ll give you abortion bans if you give us gay marriage. We’ll give you assault weapons, but we’re not paying for the federal subsidies you get anymore).

I don’t know what will happen, I hope I didn't jinx it, and I’m sure you learned nothing from this post, but dammit if I couldn’t do this for a living.