EXAGGERATION THEATRE: The Blago Trial

The following is the (SLIGHTLY) exaggerated reenactment of Day One of the Impeachment Hearings of Governor Milorad Rutherford Blagojevich (D-Most Corrupt Place Ever).

[Cue up Law & Order theme now…actually the People’s Court theme would be even better, you choose]





BACKGROUND
Rod R. Blagojevich, D-MCPE (hereafter Blago) was a devoted public servant for 17 years until the evil establishment forces of Washington D.C. decided to bring him down. He started his career as Assistant Illinois State Attorney under the tutelage of mayor-to-be Richard M. Daley (who apparently taught him corruption but not discretion). He then got elected to Illinois congress (because his opponent pled guilty to mail fraud) campaigning as a crime fighter (a slam dunk in this town). In 2002, he expressed publicly his love for his country and devotion to fighting terrorism (by voting for the invasion of an unrelated country). He soon was elected governor of Illinois, with the help of Barack Obama and Rahm Emmanuel, who praised him as the most trustworthy politician in Illinois and stated that he inspired them to start Obama’s presidential run. (so they could get the hell out of Chicago politics)

Sadly, Blago was plagued by several trumped up “scandals” (and his own corruption charges Wikipedia entry!). Despite his 56% disapproval rating, he was still able to defeat a Republican challenger (LOL). He is being charged with demanding bribes from people in exchange for Obama’s Senate seat (and using foul language in a wiretapped conversation).

Despite these charges, he went ahead and nominated a replacement anyway, outraging the Senate. It seemed like getting his nominee confirmed would be impossible, but he brilliantly remembered that old rule of political appointments: If you nominate a black man to replace a black man, it always works no matter what (The Clarence Thomas Principle).

DAY ONE
So began the trial, Monday morning. It was the battle of Blago’s life, and he knew how to fight it. Taking a page from the Martin Luther King playbook, Blago boycotted the unjust court of Crusading Prosecutor Patrick Johannes Fitzgerald. Not only that, he went to the fairer courthouse of Daytime TV, where he gave rousing speeches comparing himself to great historical figures.

“Following in the footsteps of Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ, Mohandas Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr, I will fight this injustice to the bitter end. I'm not above doing anything to restore your faith if I can. Some people see through the eyes of the old before they ever get a look at the young. I'm only willing to hear you cry because I am an innocent man. And I almost appointed Oprah to the Senate.”

[Cue inspirational theme music for Blago]

Will the Illinois congress vote to impeach Blagojevich?

Will Blago be forced to attend the proceedings?

Will justice reign supreme?

Will Oprah hold a grudge?

Tune in next time on Exaggeration Theatre.

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN? Obama taps Doc Brown

As Barack Obama takes office, he realizes the challenges we face and the consequences of failure. However, he is unsure what to do, having only 4, or maybe 8, years to lead the country. If only he had more time! Then he realizes his only option.

He calls up Doc Brown and orders him to build him a time machine. Soon, they travel into the future to survey the extent of the recession. There, they open up the newspaper (an industry that inexplicably survives the recession) to find that our fine country is totally in shambles. As they read it, they are in utter shock.

Employment is incredibly low, inflation is incredibly high, and there is no hope. They learn that hope apparently died in the past when President Obama drove away in a DeLorean with a strange scientist and they were never seen again.

At that point, Joe Biden assumed the presidency and that was a disaster. In his inaugural address, Biden told the country, “Well I’ve looked at the numbers. We’re completely screwed.” At that point, the stock market plummeted and never recovered.

“We must do something,” Obama tells Doc Brown. So they travel back in time to 2009. Obama tells his story to congress and they agree to pass whatever legislation he wants. America gets a stimulus package and it eventually helps the economy recover. They also pass laws requiring that all workers get a special basketball break for every 8-hour shift and all White Sox games are televised nationally on a major network. Obama and Doc Brown pull out their papers just in time to see the headlines change...

PMW NEWS FLASH: Hippie Liberal Whiners

First of all, it's time to discuss a word: Recession. Don't let it overwhelm you. Sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down! Let's do that, shall we? Recess-ion: Think of it as recess. You get a break from work (could be a long one!). That bully that burned you in the past is gone, but you know he’s coming back one day (high gas prices?). And if we hit a Depression, think of it as…just being depressed? Bread lines are a great place to meet people...

Also, last week was the ex-president luncheon. It was funny to see them all together with Obama, who’s riding high from his recent election and high approval ratings. Clinton was a successful president, sort of. He at least got reelected. Now, Carter and Bush…did not, so they’re clearly failures as presidents. Could you be any more of a failure than that? Oh, look, it’s W!

Finally, to our main story. I want to talk about a hippie liberal whiner. This woman blames the struggles in her life on other people, rather than accepting responsibility for her standing in life. She is complaining that the media is sexist (even well after elections) and feels that she was held back based on her gender. Who is this radical feminist?

Yes, she’s STILL complaining about sexism in the media ruining the election for her as the Right attempts to recruit her for a 2012 run. I guess she must be a feminist infiltrating the Right and trying to get them to care about sexism. Still, I would not expect this from an Alaskan pioneer Maverick Republican such as herself. What happened to the party of “too bad,” “tough shit,” and “stop whining.” Can we please get Schwarzenegger to tell her to shut up? Just sayin'.

Admin Update 09: Washiversary

Greeting PMW Readers

Happy New Year! And more importantly, Happy Washiversary. We have been sucking less than the mainstream media for an entire year now. We are very proud to be a nonsense comedy site that still manages to provide somewhat legit news to our faithful, totally awesome readers.

What lies ahead is uncertain. We are trying to expand (for the 20th time, FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT GUEST POSTS) and trying to just find time to write. Waco and Goofers are both incredibly busy. But we appreciate those checking our site regularly (or leaving that to the RSS feed).

We appreciate your support as the nation navigates through these tough times (we may have to wait to sell merchandise till AFTER the recession). We also have Waco covering the Blago scandal in Chicago (impeachment! One step closer to jail, where he can actually meet other former IL governors!)

Happy New Year and Happy Inauguration to our candidate, Obama. Hopefully, he can smoothly guide the clowns running congress.

Cheers

PMW Staff