And the Walls Came Tumbling Down

History is about to be made. Unfortunately, (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) it is not being done here. Rumors are starting to circulate that William Shatner, yes William Shatner (Captain Kirk himself) is eyeing the top spot in Canada's Government, Prime Minister. A few weeks ago he declined the role of Governor General because he thought he would be more effective in the role of Prime Minister. This is one of those rare cases where the sheer beauty of the world we live in gets thrust into reality and thus becomes a better place.

Prime Minister's Log, Supplemental: The mounties... Began ... to rebel against the orders... I gave. Must... Call in the national guard. Red Alert, eh. The Montana ... hunters ... are approaching the border... Can't ... Quite ... Give the order ... for the retreat ... of the mounties and get them oooot, eh.

Price Line Negotiator: Have you ever wanted a discount on your taxes? Are you tired of national healthcare? PRICE LINE NEGOTIATOR: Ask for 10% off your taxes. Most countries charge a fortune for these services. Canada shops the lowest possible rates so you don't have to and passes on the savings to you the people.

On behalf of all of us, I would like to express my sincere hope and desire that this comes to pass. It would become open season for news outlets who need a new filler to focus on now that Bush is gone. Remember that if this comes to pass, you saw it here first... Unless you happened to read this article. That is all.

-Lance Murdock

Repression: An Economic Brunch

It’s not quite Recession, not quite Depression. We’re in a Repression, an economic brunch. Hear that? We’re going out to brunch! What a wonderful thing for Obama to include in the stimulus package (I’ve had brunch down the street from Obama’s house in Hyde Park!)

A Repression sounds like being in denial and we’re all in denial about the economy anyway. Congressional Democrats were putting things like CONDOMS in the bill, which are good, but not related to the stimulus (of the economy…). Congressional Republicans are blocking the plan without really having a better plan and clearly are in denial about losing more seats in 2010.

Obama is in denial about the fact that his friend/enforcer/chief of staff, Rahm Emmanuel, has failed to provide him with adequate vetting services, or anything worthwhile. Can we just have Rahmbo go on TV and cuss out Bill O’Reilly? That’d be more fun. Per the Fairness Doctrine, he can cuss out Keith Olbermann too. Finally, we all know Blago’s in denial, even as his appointee, Sen. Burris, is being asked to resign.

ERIC HOLDER IS RIGHT! He wins the Cajones Awards. In the tradition of Joe Biden, he bucks the Democratic trend of pussyfooting around the issues. He was also awarded the No Bias No Bull Award by Anchorhottie Campbell Brown.

Just because we elected Obama doesn’t mean we’ve solved all race problems. He didn’t say white people HATE black people, or even that they don’t RESPECT black people. He said they don’t talk about race and they don’t mix with black people. That seems reasonable (and largely very true!)

Conservatives bashed liberals and black people for supporting Obama just cuz he was black, since race shouldn’t matter, and now they’re saying electing him was a historic event of racial reconciliation, which now means race shouldn’t matter. See the pattern? No matter what happens, the Republicans try to avoid talking about race. What’s a word for some who always avoids stuff? Oh yeah...coward!

In fairness, New York Times columnist Charles M. Blow is right as usual. (another decent journalist infiltrated the MSM!) “Cowards” is kind of harsh and divisive, if true.

PMW contacted both Black Republicans regarding Holder’s comments and neither was available for comment.

Admin Update 2009: Recession hits PMW

Greetings PMW Nation!

Time are tough, but now they are really hitting PMW hard. Already running on a shoestring budget, we have struggled to operate with a volunteer workforce. We have tried to recruit more people, but Goofers and Waco have been getting busier and busier. Our Editor Emeritus Viceroy Fizzlebottom has been M.I.A. for months. Despite the fine work of our new editor, Murdock, and a good post by our friend Nick, it looks like we're not gonna make it.

We needed a bailout. We asked Obama for a favor and, once again, he turned us down. Neither Goofers' nor Waco's endorsement meant anything to him! Luckily a more prosperous business has offered to buy us out. Everything here will operate as before, but our new corporate ownership will take on any and all profits from this website (suckers!) From this point forward, we shall be officially known as ShamWow!®-Political Mouthwash.

ShamWOW!®-Political Mouthwash! Works against Democrats AND Republicans.

Easily removes political correctness
Absorbs all bullshit
WILL scratch the surface of any issue (unlike the Mainstream Media)
Lasts ten years (hey, we can last as long as a stupid towel)

RATED #1 by Blog Commenter LeVar Burton! GUARANTEED to distract you at work OR YOUR MONEY BACK. Sorry, creepy guy with headset NOT included.

ShamWOW!®-Political Mouthwash: You’ll Say WOW, that was hilarious AND insightful EVERYTIME!

Thanks always to all our readers!

PMW Staff

GUEST POST: Total Shortfall

A $42 BILLION DEFICIT BROUGHT THEM TOGETHER. NOW THEY WILL HAVE THEIR REVENGE!

Governor Schwarzenegger (R-Hollywood) slashes the state’s budget for state parks and other government programs to make up for the state’s growing debt. It seems like a good move, but it will come back to burn him.

Pretty soon they're gonna cut forest firefighting equipment out of the budget and they won't be able to afford to import any more water and the whole state will be engulfed in flames. The rich Hollywoodites will be donating $10 a bottle VOSS water to the cause, but it'll be no use as the firefighters will have already been laid off.

Arnold will set off to try and arm-wrestle the fire for control of the state, but will only end up army rolling out of his Hummer when he drives it off an enormous washout on the 1, sending the car flying off the cliff and into the ocean.

Mel Gibson will walk over from his heavily modified 1973 Mustang in a leather jacket asking for gas. They'll look across the washout to see their best friend Billy Baldwin setting up a ramp to jump over to them. When he tries to get back into his car he'll be complaining about the door handle being too hot to touch, and despite his friends' cries of protest, Billy will decide to kick in the window so that he can attempt to jump the washout.

But when he does he's hit with a huge backdraft exploding outward catching his leg and shirt on fire. Frantically Billy tries the drop and roll strategy forgetting where he is and rolls right off the cliff. Arnold will let out a guttural scream, tear off his shirt and grab the nearest claymore while Mel will quietly brood and grab the nearest sawed off shotgun. The pair will embark into the depths of the forest fire on a revenge story for the ages.

-Nick

Math: The Solution to the Stimulus

I am the first to admit that math is not the first place I generally look for solutions to pretty much anything let alone giant economic boondoggles. When you start actually adding stuff my eyes get glossy and I just see Barney (the purple dinosaur) singing 2+2=4 over and over again. However, it is very hard to refute basic math.

Currently Congress is debating whether or not to pass an 800 Billion dollar stimulus package. Just to be clear that is the following number:

$800,000,000,000

Currently there are roughly 280 million people in the United States. That is the following number:

280,000,000

Now, unless I have the disease called Inacalculium (the inability to perform arithmetic functions) and my calculator is broken (must be from China), we have the ability to give the following amount of money DIRECTLY to each person living in the United States:

800,000,000,000 / 280,000,000 = $2,857,142

That is not a typo. Each of us could simply be given a check for $2,857,142 and we could all retire to Yemen. All this being said, I have a very simple question. Raise your hand if you don't want a check for that amount? Do we think poor people would be less poor if they had that kind of money? Do we think the bank bailout would be necessary? We certainly wouldn't have to worry about unfreezing the credit markets.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand that this is all with money we don't have etc and inflation would be insane etc. But why not give everyone making less then a certain amount a very small fraction of that, say $50k? That would certainly cause relief. In most people's cases, it would be an enormous relief and cost us a mere ten billion ($10,000,000,000) assuming only 200,000,000(or almost 2/3) people would need or qualify for $50,000. I am not suggesting we just hand people that money at once but even over five years or so it is still an enormous amount of money for most people. Furthermore, it would only be a tiny fraction of the proposed stimulus bill. Can you imagine how many people would use that money to save their homes? Buy an American car? Buy STUFF which is the main reason for the recession, depression, sadression, stupidession, douche bagession, well you get the ideassion, in the first place?

I never thought I would see the day where our problems could actually be solved with simple math. You will notice below that one of Blaygo's future jobs was not mathematician. I guess we now know why. That is all.

-Lance Murdock

***UPDATE: Thanks to PMW guest poster and Resident Mathematician, Nick, for pointing out this math is wrong ($2,000/person not $2 million). But the joke's on you, Nick. This isn't a math blog. This is AMERICA, you math nazi biatch! Main point still stands. This is lots of money. How are we spending it?

***UPDATE:  LANCE MURDOCK OFFICIALLY APOLOGIZES FOR THE INACCURACY OF THIS POST AND DUE TO HIS COMMITMENT TO JOURNALISTIC EXCELLENCE, WELL OK, JOURNALISTIC MEDIOCRITY, WILL HEREBY PROMIS TO WORK NIGHTS TO LEARN BASIC ARITHMETIC.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SELF HELP GUIDES OR PERHAPS A SECOND GRADE MATH TEXTBOOK, PLEASE MAIL THEM TO NICK.  THAT IS ALL.

MICHAEL PHELPS: National Disgrace

While the nation grapples with a serious recession, apparently gold medal-winner and former national hero, Michael Fred Phelps (this time I’m using a real middle name!) is squandering his riches on illegal drugs. As a country goes hungry, desperate for a chicken in every pot, apparently the Michael Phelps solution is some pot in every pot. This is serious. We need to strip him of his medals. The International Olympic Committee strictly forbids athletes from smoking marijuana as it clearly enhances their ability to perform (apparently the IOC smokes a lot of weed too!).

I submit the comment section of this post as a petition to strip Phelps of all his medals (and nothing else, ladies, don’t get confused!) as well as a space for PMW Nation to express their outrage at his use of an illicit drug. My only hope is that we influence him to quit before he overdoses.

In case Mr. Phelps reads this, the ideas expressed here are solely those of The Waco Kid (I-Blogosphere) and are not necessarily the views of Political Mouthwash or the PMW Staff. Also, if you have any weed or know where to find it, please contact Goofers McWaxalot, Lance Murdock, and/or Viceroy Fizzlebottom.

DASCHLE HASSLE

Before we begin, BLAGO UPDATE!
Still an idiot! Still bat-shit insane! Still fighting. Still going down in flames. And he's clinging to his Bible.

Now, to our main story. A huge disappointment this week (No, not the Sixburgh Steelers winning the Super Bowl…again). Thomas Augustus Daschle was Obama’s Health and Human Services nominee, but he has decided to withdraw (even though science has proven this technique ineffective, and as Obama’s Health guy, he should know that!). Apparently, Democrats don’t know how to pay taxes. I really thought Obama would prove Will Rogers wrong, but I guess they’re not an organized political party after all.

So, now we need a replacement. I don’t have any suggestions, but I will say this.

BYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

But Rahmbo doesn’t like him, so probably Bill Bradley. He…plays basketball, so he’s healthy? If either one is picked, I will gloat about my powers of prediction.

Blago to the Future

To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield. These were the words that our boy Blago quoted on his final press conference as IL's Governor. Perhaps what he should have said was "To seek, to strive, to find... a new job." So you may be asking yourself, what is Blago possibly going to do now that he has found himself unemployed? I am glad you asked. Here is a list of careers which he is now considering:

1. Game Show Host: Win Shit with Blago! Blago hosts a show where you have to try to buy various items from him and he gets to say lines like this: "This car is a fucking valuable thing, I am not going to give it away for fucking nothing."

2. New Host of American Idol: "Thank you contestant number four hundred thousand, twenty six but your hair just isn't cutting it for me. If you can put me on the board of directors for your company and get a job for my wife then I will think of letting you through to Hollywood."

3. Poet Laureate Rod: In his famous interview with Campbell Brown (please refer to list of hot news woman mentioned below), he said the following which make him well qualified for this post: "Well, here, let me set the record straight. I don't know a lot of poetry. There's a couple of poems I learned ever since I was a little kid..."

4. President of Emily's List: People talk rough. "If I had known there were ladies listening, I never would have talked like that."

5. Supreme Court Justice: "The constitution is fundamental that everyone has a right to contest false accusations and to confront accusers and they're simply denying these outright, but it's bigger then me and that's why I am taking to a national audience."

6. Civil Rights Activist: "I thought about my wife I was leaving behind and I tried to find some inspiration from historical figures who had similar experiences because that gives you inspiration and I thought of Mandela and Gandhi..." "I am not comparing myself to Dr. King but he had a saying 'In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

7. Director of the FBI: "I want to have every taped conversation of the wiretapped phone involved, heard in the process. I am in many ways the anti-Richard Nixon, who worked very hard in Watergate to keep those tapes from being heard."

8. Prophet: "This is about the office of the governor, and if they're successful, which I suspect they will be, with these rules and removing me from office, then it's going to be difficult for my successors and any other government in future impeachments to be in a position where they can properly defend themselves, because this is the precedent that's being set on the removal of an officer elected by the people by a legislative branch that's not elected by all the people." He foresaw his own fate...

To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield. Well he certainly got the last part right. That is all.

-Lance Murdock