Admin Update VII: Son of Admin Update

Greetings Loyal PMW Readers

Welcome to another edition of Admin Update. Things are crazy as always here, but luckily things in the political world are probably about to settle down. As the last primaries are held on Tuesday, superdelegates are expected to be reined in soon and the Democrats might actually have an official nominee. This could mean nothing important happens till the convention in August.

As always we're busy outside of the blogosphere. Goofers is settling in at his new job with some financial consulting outfit (OBVIOUS C.I.A. FRONT, kudos Goofers!). I am immersed in final exams and will intern in Seattle this summer. And by intern, I mean be enslaved as I'll have more potential to make money here at PMW.

Thanks to all our wonderful readers and commenters. Especially Anonymous, who has written many wonderful/funny/strange things. Thanks, whomever you are (could be multiple people, one time it was me). We'll try to have T-shirts to sell one day, we're trying to recruit new writers or guest writers (submissions welcome!), and we're trying to move to www.politicalmouthwash.com.

Cheers

PMW Staff

What are you doing, Hillary? Part II

Hey, sorry about that brain tumor. Remember that time your brother got assassinated?

Hillary, what were you thinking? Now, maybe you can have the benefit of the doubt and we can accept Bill’s argument that you were only talking about the timeline (You’re pushing your luck, little man…). I cannot say that am truly offended (PMW is strongly opposed to the easily offended PC mindset). However, her timing is not the best with Teddy’s tumor. It was a dumb comment tactically and the kind she routinely pounces on when Obama makes one.

But worst of all, her main advantage against Obama in this campaign has been that she has more political experience in national spotlight and is the type of candidate who would make fewer gaffes than Obama. By saying something so stupid and then offering such a piss-poor apology for it, she invalidates biggest trump card against Obama. This is just like when McCain makes foreign policy blunders.

Hillary Clinton has more trouble than The Fonz admitting fault. We’ve already had eight years of that. And now she’s tacitly admitted she’s staying in the race because she…expects/thinks…something bad will happen to Obama. I’m saying she hopes, but is there really a right word to use here? Hillary, face it, you just admitted your candidacy is doomed, and in a stupid, stupid way. But that’s great because as long as you’re making the case that you should drop out, it saves everyone else the trouble. So thanks…

What are you doing, Hillary?

Well, Hillary’s staying in the race. And who could blame her at this point? She tarnished Obama’s impending victory with embarrassingly huge defeats in West Virginia and Kentucky. She’s dragged this race on for months. What’s another week? We might as well let the remaining states vote. It gives us an opportunity to pretend we actually care what Montana and South Dakota think.

Also, maybe if Puerto Rico goes too well for Hillary, the charge that “foreigners put her over the top” could cause a backlash that would destroy her once and for all (Ironic on so many levels!).

But as everyone’s been asking, what’s the endgame? Obviously, if she drops out next week, very few people will care and this will all blow over. We’re hoping that Hillary just fades away, but she’s making people nervous. There are horror stories being suggested about her advisors scheming ways to get to Florida and Michigan counted, allowing her to stake a claim to the popular vote (opening up the door for further nauseating arguments about voter disenfranchise and justice).

So, we wait. Is she just messing with us to look important? Is she scheming for a consolation prize? (VP, cabinet post, Supreme Court nomination, NY governor, continued attention) Or is she really positioning herself to lay down the gauntlet in Denver and land a knockout punch at the convention? We have no idea what’s going on (which has been typical). However, it’s one thing to have the confusion levels of the TV show Lost in this primary. What we really don’t need are the shocking, rollercoaster plot twists. Obama’s the nominee. Any scenario where he does not end up the nominee will result in the Democrats looking like…well like they pretty much always do. Don’t screw this up, Hillary. Come on!

Libertarian Revolution!

Are you a disgruntled Republican? Not the Mike Huckabee, the Power of Christ Compels You kind. Not the “In Your Face” Republican (as Erick Erickson of RedState calls them). You are the “Leave Me Alone” Republican (also Erickson). You are charmed by Barack Obama’s demeanor, but he won’t shrink government enough for you. You admire John McCain’s service to this country, but he also does not stand for a truly small government. Well we have a party for you!



Wikipedia defines Libertarians as “Republicans who pay attention” or “real conservatives” (www.PMWikipedia.org/fakewebsite-truefact). The GOP has made many Libertarian statements that it has never fulfilled (this tradition is called Reaganism). They have often promised limited government, humble foreign policy, and individual freedom. In particular, Bush promised all those things in his 2000 campaign, although his mindset changed after 9/11 (Luckily, his cabinet had that mindset from the beginning, so the situation worked itself out).

To stand up against this departure from conservatism, Bob Barr is running for president on the Libertarian ticket. This is a dream come true for Ron Paul and his supporters. Paul has stated publicly that he will not endorse Barr, but, speaking to PMW on a condition of anonymity, he said he supports Barr 100% (What are ya gonna do, Ron, sue us? Oh that’s right, you don’t believe in suing people. Well, suck it!).

For those that don’t know, Libertarians believe government is bad and people should be free. This idea was previously known as anarchy. Now it has been repackaged and 397,265 Americans bought into it in 2004.

In fairness, Libertarians have made some concessions toward government involvement. They support police, fire fighters, and the building of roads and infrastructure. However, I’m frankly disappointed that they caved in on those issues. The police serve no purpose. I live on the South Side of Chicago, near some very sketchy neighborhoods. But I know from experience that all you need is to do is own cheap stuff and you can easily convince muggers not to take it from you. Wait, I just heard a noise. Dammit, where are the cops when you need them? Well, I’m signing off for now. I have to go lock my door.

Newsflash: Democrat with Cajones

Extra, Extra! Read all about it! Democrat shows he has balls!

This is definitely a first for the Democrats. For years, they have been unfairly tagged as having a cowardly foreign policy because of their cowering style in the national debate. However, Joe Biden, (D-DE), chairman of the Judiciary Committee was already famous for his down-to-Earth and no-bullshit style (rare among Democrats), but he took it to a new level today. After President Bush accused Obama of engaging in the kind of appeasement that let the Nazis rise to power, Biden jumped to Obama’s defense. He used his usual speaking style (never-ending but simple and no-nonsense), except he took it further.

I turned on the TV today and the headline read, Democratic Response to Bush: “This is Bulls----.” Yes, you read that correctly. Now, I know at PMW we sometimes bend the truth (or even just make stuff up). But look it up. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this is brilliant. Until recently, the Republicans easily dominated the Democrats on foreign policy for years basically by implying that the Democrats were pansies. And honestly, no one really did anything to dispel that argument (uh, Howard Dean???) while able to control the volume of their voice (fair enough…). This is just what the Surrendercrats need.

So kudos to you, Joe Biden. You call ‘em as you see ‘em and PMW salutes you!

McBush: I’m Lovin’ It

Welcome to the McBush candidacy. May I take your order? No, I'm not talking about a vegetarian fast food restaurant or an Irish porno movie . This is the Republican candidate for President of the United States, John McCain. A man who once ran against President Bush. A man who constantly has criticized President Bush. A “Maverick” in contrast to Bush’s staunch conservatism. A man who probably did not even vote for Bush. And, surprise! John McCain and his mortal enemy George W. Bush are the same person!

Bush has been known for being a proud conservative, a solid Republican, and someone who holds the Republican base together. However, in many cases, he has ended up on his own, with even much of his base abandoning him. Here are some issues where he blazed his own trail. Look for the pattern:

Even after many Republicans got cold feet about the Iraq War, who was the strongest supporter of it? John McCain.

Bush had this crazy idea for guest visas for Mexicans and paths to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Most of the GOP thought it was nuts. What prominent Republican co-sponsored the Immigration Reform bill? John McCain.

Bush called for an end to earmarks. Congress saw a lost opportunity to bring home the bacon in their districts and most did not support it. Who applauded this during the State of Union? John McCain.

Bush is also famous for his tax cuts, which McCain famously opposed, infuriating the Republican base and cementing his Maverick image. However, McCain has recently decided that he supports making them permanent, cementing his status as the Phantom Maverick.

The two may hate each other (even though they pretend not to), but the fact is that whenever W bucks party orthodoxy, one man is standing behind him, ready to back him up: John McCain. McCain is a Bush Republican (and thus, very lonely). The only Maverick thing about him is that he’s willing to stand with George W. Bush when no one else will. That’s probably the bravest thing he has ever done (and he refused to be released from a Viet Cong prison camp after being tortured). So he gets points for that. But let’s face facts. If Bush had put more troops in Iraq, was older, and ended every sentence with “my friends,” you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between him and McCain. It’s McBush 2008. Have you had your (tax) break today?

The Oregon Trail (Clinton Edition)

As summer approaches, the days get longer and the nights inevitably are shorter. This gives Hillary Clinton pause, because less and less of her 24 hours can be invested in dreams that have absolutely nothing to do with losing to Barack Obama. As the Democratic primary begins to wind down, Hillary must make her inevitable trek into loserdom by traveling to Oregon. The last great prize (if you can believe) in terms of electoral votes. It' s funny because Oregon is really no great prize in any sense of the words (great or prize). A population of American civilization that's too nerdy/infantile to make it in California but not quite nerdy/infantile enough to make it in Washington.

As we all know, Barack Obama will declare his victory of the Democratic presidential nomination in Oregon. Hillary Clinton can only hope to quit with dignity. Much like how America had to quit vietnam with dignity (By loading a bunch of people into an overcrowded chopper while the US embassy was being lit on fire) . Even quitting the current Iraq war could be a possible metaphor for the future Clinton exit strategy (Havn't planned that one yet). Let's hope (for our sanity) that her exit strategy is a little more Vietnam and a little less Iraq war. If there's anything America doesn't need it's a 100 year long democratic primary. Regardless, Barack Obama can learn a lot from what Clinton decides to do with her own exit strategy. But whatever the outcome, she's done. Worlds rejoice.

Hopeless Situation, Futile Surge, No Exit Strategy

We are looking at a completely hopeless situation. To think we are truly making progress requires “a willing suspension of disbelief.” This recent surge has produced a few small victories, but in the big picture, we are seeing very little ground gained. To continue on blindly in the face of sure defeat, regardless of the consequences, would be ridiculous. Where is the exit strategy? When does it end? Will it go on forever? It is time to think about cutting our losses and going home. There are other battles to fight.

The argument above summarizes Hillary Clinton's rant against “General Delay Us,” but no one could blame you if you thought it was a description of Hillary Clinton’s campaign. As Slate’s John Dickerson brilliantly points out, Hillary’s view of Iraq is lining up with most people’s view of her candidacy (Slate is basically MSM, so kudos to them for engaging in real journalism!). For weeks, people have called on Hillary to drop out, citing that the Grand Comeback she had promised was unlikely. Well at this point, it has officially failed. Barring divine intervention (75% victories everywhere), Hillary will fall far short of beating Obama on pledged delegates.

This means her only hope is to go to the superdelegates and make her final argument to them. “American swing voters are…well, not racist, but…let’s just say they are really happy when their daughters’ boyfriends turns out to be white and they think having dark skin AND a foreign name is…kind of pushing it.” So maybe the Democratic leadership will screw everything up, but Obama can cross that bridge when he comes to it (lots of traffic on that bridge). For now, he is victorious and Hillary can only sit helplessly and pray for a miracle.

A Detailed Bashing of the Clinton Political Machine

It’s come to this. I was once a blogger of much substance (if only relative to the MSM). Today, I have nothing deeply analytical. Just an articulation of how I’m fed up with a certain political faction. Hey, at least I’ve resisted the urge to resort to racist and sexist jokes!


Hillary Clinton
Nicknames: Bill Part II, The Goldwater Girl
I think I’ve covered this here, here, and here. And here.

Bill Clinton
Nickname: Slick Willie
Bill Clinton destroyed much of his political reputation throughout this campaign, particularly in South Carolina. He shot his mouth off, lacking his usually political savvy, annoying many people in the process. He must have gotten rusty after all those years out of politics (I know I should include an oral sex joke, but…I got nothin, sorry). After George W. Bush, my memory of Bill’s presidency became quite romanticized. But luckily, Bill came along to remind me of what a bullshitter he is and how conflicted I felt about his time in office.

Mark Penn
Nicknames: Pig-Penn, Fat Sleazy Lobbyist
Somehow a lobbyist running an anti-lobbyist campaign didn’t faze Democratic voters (Come on guys, even Chris Matthews noticed!). However, the best part was when Pig-Penn got fired recently from the Hillary campaign for brokering a trade deal with Columbia while Hillary was trying to convince Ohioans she was more anti-trade than Obama. How rich!

Terry McAuliffe
Nickname: Terry McAwful
He was the “no-balls” DNC chair during the Democrats’ horrible Kerry ’04 campaign. As party leader and spokesman, he did nothing to speak out against the horrible policies of W, proving himself completely useless. However, he suddenly felt compelled to take a stand on Bush’s Vietnam draft-dodging, the least important issue of the entire campaign, but also a predictable Republican-style move by a Clinton crony. McAwful’s only accomplishment was good fundraising, yet somehow Obama’s beating Hillary on that front right now. Congratulations, Terry, you’re useless.

James Carville

Nickname: The Ragin Cajun
I used to enjoy the Ragin Cajun on Crossfire. He was a cooler and more interesting alternative to Paul Begala (see below). Lately, however, the more I hear him the more I wish he’d shut up. The first red flag popped up in 2006 when he tried to oust Howard Dean from the DNC chairmanship after the Democrats' huge midterm election victories. He said Dean showed “Rumsfeldian leadership.” Excuse me, but Donald Rumsfeld has never overseen something as successful as the ’06 elections. He also recently called Bill Richardson “Judas” after he decided to endorse Obama around Easter Sunday, saying the timing was ironic. In Carville’s defense, Hillary does think she’s a savior, so maybe the analogy works.

Paul Begala
Nickname: Grinning Imbecile
This man is a hack. There’s not much else to say. He’s kind of happy and amiable if you totally agree with everything he’s saying, but otherwise he’s just a smug putz. If he has ever looked good, it’s because he spent years debating Robert Novak (a warped, frustrated old man who outs American spies) and Mr. Bow-Tie (who is scientifically proven to be a “dick”).

George Stephanopoulos
Nickname: George Snuffleupagus
After that terrible debate with Charlie Gipped-Us, this weak This Week host lost any respect I may have had for him.

Admin Update VI

Greetings PMW readers. The PMW Staff would like to acknowledge some important dates. Yesterday was May Day, which...I don't know what that is (kind sounds like a pilot dying...depressing). Let's see. According to Wikipedia, it's like Labor Day for some countries. It also can be a "cross-quarter day" celebration, meaning it's halfway between the equinox and the solstice (I always celebrated Cinco de Mayo for that). Anyway, it's a holiday, so an excuse for you to get drunk and not got go to work. Hopefully your boss accepts that. We'll vouch for you.

Also, tomorrow is the Guam Primary. Four (4) delegates are at stake, which are almost guaranteed to be split, so...really exciting! Will this ever end? Anyway, The Waco Kid is really busy with midterms and interviews, so he may not be posting much lately, although he says that a lot (he stayed up till 5am writing a paper Tuesday, but still posted that night). Goofers is getting situated at his new job with the Gun Lobby, so he's out meeting people from the NRA. Hopefully, we'll manage to post eventually, though.

Thanks to all our loyal readers and commenters. We always appreciate your feedback, or at least your help running up our webcounter totals.

Cheers


PMW Staff