Mutiny on the Bounty: Republican Party Status Check II

The Republican Party remains hopelessly divided. The Admiral of their fleet has become a tired and frustrated old man (W stands for Weary and Withered). Now, even as people drop out, the Grand Coalition, as Romney has clearly identified, is now hopelessly split and must be reunited, or else the Grand Old Party will spend the next 8 years in what sports teams call a “rebuilding phase” and what Democrats call “The Reagan Years.” Well, actually it’s what Democrats call sitting adrift in the water and waiting for the Republican boat to sink in the face of mutiny. So who’s in this coalition?

1) Fiscal Conservatives/Libertarians

These people believe the government should be small enough to “drown in a bathtub,” which sounded enough like waterboarding to scare McCain away from them. Their captain is Ron Paul, although many see that he has no chance and have jumped ship or defected to the enemy. Almost all Republicans pledge allegiance to small government, but many do not actually support a government as passive and unengaged as Fred Thompson. Groups like…

2) The Christian Right

This is Huckabee’s crew, although it was a tough choice for them. With a Massachusetts Mormon, a thrice-married pro-choice New Yorker, and a man who called their heroes “agents of intolerance,” it took them awhile to decide on Huck. Since Huckabee is looking dead in the water, will his crew take orders from any of these heretics? Maybe they can be motivated by scary talk of terrorism from…

3) Neoconservatives

These people are rarely committed to moral sanctity or small government. In fact, they support a big government to fight terrorism and are willing to make many compromises along the way. Their man was Giuliani this time, but that didn’t turn out well either. They will probably follow their captain aboard the Straight Talk Express.

For those who stay loyal to the fleet, the final battle will take place between the Straight Talk Express and the USS Aristocrat Class Reconnaissance Interceptor and Multiple Assault Flip Flop Frigate, as Commodore Romney calls it for short. Romney has spent a lot of time in enemy waters, while McCain has engaged in many negotiations with enemy forces, making both distrusted in the GOP. Meanwhile, the Democrats will sit back and hope for a long, bloody GOP battle.

ADMIN UPDATE II

Today is the celebration of Political Mouthwash's first ever Month-a-versary!!! Thanks to all our supporters and readers for your viewership and wonderful (and often times thoughtful feeback) Those of you who constantly give us shit (you know who you are!) thanks too, we mostly write just to piss you off ;)

Anyways, all systems nominal at PMW, everything is running full steam dead ahead, merchandise will be on the way as promised...please please be patient on that front.

So as celebration for PMW's monthaversary i've made a special list of my favorite top 10 YTMND concerning the primary race. I hope you enjoy these as much as i do :D

10) Mitt Romney Gets off on America

(http://mittromneylovesamerica.ytmnd.com/)

9) Barack Vs Hillary:

(http://democraticbattle.ytmnd.com/)

8) McCain goes oldschool:

(http://mccainisoldschool.ytmnd.com/)

7) I'm not really sure what the fuck this is, LOL:

(http://ronpaulstarwars.ytmnd.com/)

6) Rudy Guiliana's most famous speeches in 1min

(http://wakemeupwhen911ends.ytmnd.com/)

5) Unfortunate New Hampshire Primary

(http://demokratikprimary.ytmnd.com/)

4) Obama after Kerry Endorsement

(http://obamakerryflyflyaway.ytmnd.com/)

3) Barack Obama War Policy:

(http://obamafunk.ytmnd.com/)

2) South Carolina Democratic Primary Outcome

(http://schasspoken.ytmnd.com/)

1) The last 8 years of american politics broadcast into

the starwars universe on Acid...by far the best.

(http://hehdean.ytmnd.com/)

CHEERS,

P.M.W. STAFF

A.D.D. AMERICA: Iraq War, what were they thinking?

PART1. A Unique History Lesson:
IRAQ, it's really a very painful part of America's past and present. Iraq has been a sensitive topic for Americans ever since the critically acclaimed Gulf War I. When a broad U.N. backed coalition raised a massive Army to crush the well equiped and highly unmotivated Iraqi Army. "Those were the days" according to some, when America was shinning bright and beautiful. We were backed by a true multi-lateral alliance, with the wind in our hair and a gleam in our collective eyes. The President was not necessarily great or even good, but he was reasonable (at the time, reasonable was something taken for granted). In the end, our glory was manifested by annihilating a 25 mile column of tanks and soldiers attempting to surrender and/or retreat(depending on who you believe). While this was a glorious victory for America there was always one unfortunate problem, Saddam Hussein was never ousted.

Fast forward to 2003, in the wake of 9/11 and our leaders really haven't been able to make ANY successful attempt to find those responsible who killed 3,000 American's at the world trade center. We're still fighting a war with Iraq and things aren't looking great. A.D.D. America isn't necessarily a reference to our citizens but also the wild and irrational choices of our leaders.

The whole process went something like this:
1) WTC (aka the double buildings) got blowed' up
2) Go to Afghanistan to kill Osama Bin Laden + Taliban (aka people responsible)
3) Seek council of Travis Stevens, a freshman from CAL (pictured below)

4) Attack Iraq!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok ok...so it didn't go EXACTLY like that. But do you really want to know the harsh reality of what our leaders were thinking? It would be impossible to know exactly what the Bush people had running through their twisted heads but it definately didn't make a whole lot of sense. Our best answer from him "after 9/11 things changed". This supposedly meaning that we would no longer tolerate other countries holding potential stockpiles of weapons to be used against us. A rational form of reasoning on first inspection, but think about it. Did terrorists use atom bombs to blow up the WTC? Did they use ricin gas to annihilate the western wall of the pentagon? There terrorists in their simplistically brilliant wisdom used the one weapon that we'd never see coming! Of course the solution would be to make a direct about-face and mobilize all troops to the center of the country providing these awful weapons to terrorists! A shock and awe campgaign killing off a quick 6,000 civilians would probably do the trick. So what are these diabolical weapons? Who makes them? And what country do we get to bomb next???

WEAPON: UTILITY KNIFE

DISTRIBUTER: THE HOME DEPOT

LOCATION: Vinings, Georgia, USA

NOTES: While headquartered in georgia, "the home depot" is known to run 1,000s of sleeper cells across the United States and Canada. In fact, The Home Depot is playing so fast and loose with it's massive quality of highly dangerous utility knives it's stockpiles are overflowing - observe!


There you have it. It was a simple error, anybody could have made it. WMD's were not the issue, it was those damn box cutters. Now convincing the President to bomb Georgia might not be as wild of an idea as one might think. Technically he's already done it with New Orleans, by proxy....

PART2. Boots on the Ground

The sad fact is, that my own brilliant plan to bomb the south is slightly overshadowed by the American occupation that is already taking place in war-torn Iraq. The country itself is in shambles, nearly 85,000 civilians have been killed in total. Iraq itself is exhibiting all the telltale signs of instability: death squads, bombings, insurgency, you name it. While the troop surge that was recently touted may have helped American soldiers protect other American soldiers, death rates among iraqi civilians is still "walking" (a statistical term usually used for exchange rates...but now we're talking about bodies) at the same level it always has.

Of course a lot of the reporting we've been seeing from MSM and the President Himself tout serious changes in Iraq thanks to the recent troop surge. After watching a good four hours of Fox News and MSNBC (they touched on Iraq for all of 5 minutes) I came to believe the situation in Iraq looked something the picture below.

Normally the dispondent father pushing his gravely injured son (injured in an insurgent mortar attack) would make me feel terrible about how the US led occupation has caused the injuries and deaths of so many innocent civilians. But this troop surge really seems to be doing the trick!

Thanks again MSM & President Bush for keeping my spirits up!

War's going A-okay :D

Edwards: The Latest Casualty of MSM Election Coverage

The John Edwards campaign never took off despite having a near-perfect recipe for winning the Democratic nomination. He’s a White Southern Male, he played to the base, and he had a signature issue. He launched his campaign from New Orleans, highlighting his signature issue against Bush’s signature failure (If only he had Kanye’s endorsement).

However, the Edwards campaign was not perfect. Edwards came four years late and four bucks short with his message and approach, which would have come in handy in his 04 run. (If only he could have gone back in time and beaten Kerry.) He also had the bad luck of getting out-shined by Barack Obama, who had comparable experience, even more charisma, and did not have the “loser” baggage of a failed presidential run and being a failed presidential ticket (He hitched his wagon to the wrong Horse-face). This also allowed Obama to be the “fresh face,” Hillary to the “experienced hand,” and Edwards to be the odd man out, an old face with a thin resume. Despite this, I have to blame the mainstream media for shutting Edwards out (and for pretty much everything). Why didn’t they give him a chance?

Edwards had celebrity endorsements, but he failed to become a celebrity himself. He was running against two giants in the most exciting primary in US History. Hillary is the first viable female candidate, but also a famous, controversial figure and a household name. Obama is the first viable Black candidate, but the first viable candidate to be the Democrats’ next JFK, something the Dems have been sorely lacking. This is an exciting story about interesting famous people, but void of any substance or real effect on everyday life in America, so of course, the media rushed to cover it. It’s the People Magazine primary, and Edwards lost badly.

Edwards, to his credit, has kept this campaign focused on issues better than anyone. He stays on message and never strays from substance (except to remind everyone that he’s the son of a mill worker). Nothing could be MORE BORING that talking about the issues, (except watching Deal or No Deal). When Edwards actually was reported on, it was his haircut or his mansion or anything that the press could dig up that was insignificant enough to meet their reporting standards.

Good try, John. Don't feel bad. Maybe you'll get a cabinet post.

Here I Am - Barack You Like a Hurricane!

The Dream
It's morning again in America. The Democrats have something here. They have an exciting candidate. For once in the miserable existence of the Democratic party, they have a person so exciting, so engaging and so inspiring; Republicans around the country have been calling him The Democrats Ronald Reagan. This, of course, is an unfortunate mischaracterization of the Democratic presidential contender. He's far more than JUST a Ronald Regan. Ol' cowboy Ronnie remains the beating (undead) heart of the American conservative agenda; but, the election of Barack Obama means so much more than just ideological supremacy. The symbolism of the first black president brings the story of racism in America full circle. When Africans were first brought to America as slaves they were considered sub-human with the least power and rights of any class of people. From slave ships, the underground railroad, the 3/5ths compromise, Missouri Compromise, the Civil War, 13th & 14th amendment, Jim Crow, Marbury V. Madison, Military desegregation, Thurgood Marshall & Brown V. Board of Education, Dr. Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Black Panther Party, COINTELPRO, Cory Booker, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice. The last 200+ years of American history has been a bitter struggle for power, recognition and self-determination for Black America. Finally, as Mr. Obama often alludes "this is the moment" when the first black man in History could be awarded the most powerful position in the most powerful country in the world.



Why it (probably) Won't Work
It's a beautiful dream, but unfortunately there are some major problems in the way.

1. White People Suck
White people still make up the majority of America. They also make up the majority of registered voters and are more likely to vote then any other racial group. If there's one thing that White people hate, it's hearing about how much they suck (oh and they do suck). For centuries the asshole tendencies of America's whites have caused pain and suffering four countless American minorities. (case and point Figure 1.1)

The above example is clear cut case of open "in your face racism" (commonly referred to as In your FACeISM) 9 out of 10 whites will say "hey I'm not a Klan member, I'm not oppressing anybody! Maybe black people should learn to work harder and wash my dishes faster, then they could afford a house or a moderately priced condo in an up and coming, openly gay suburb?" This argument is inherently flawed. With little or no working infrastructure in place to help the working poor "rise up" this is nearly impossible. These issues are at the core of WHAT IS WRONG with America. The American Dream is dead and America is dying (*tear*). Mr. Obama's only hope thus far has been to avoid the issue entirely. Anybody who has raised "the issue" (e.g. Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, Martin Luther King etc.) is certain to receive either:

A) character assassination.

B) real-life assassination.

(*Note* Reverend Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson both participate in ugly and corrupted political machines like almost ALL politicians do.)

2. Women (not paying attention)

I'm going to tread lightly here, because women are brilliant, smart, sharp etc...all that stuff, when they want to be. Pound for Pound (of brains) I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that could school me in any logical discourse; empirically however, women tend to vote far less often than men do. Secondly, women tend to be less informed than men on a wide range of issues. Young women are in fact the least informed of all groups of voters (sorry ladies), if you're a young (or older) woman reading this right now, ask yourself "which amendment granted me the right to vote?". If there is one demographic that Barack Obama needs on his side to win the Democratic Primary, it's more support for America's women. An overwhelming majority of American women support Hillary Clinton for President. Aside from the obvious fact that she is the only woman running for president, further inspections shows that her record in the Senate and political ideology are quite conservative. Which brings me to my next point of contention...

3 The Mainstream Media

The Mainstream Media (MSM) is quite possibly our favorite punching bag at PMW. More reliable and longer lasting than President George W. Bush, the MSM tends to let Americans down more consistently than any other individual or organization.

( *NOTE* except for General-Mills. We're still waiting for you to bring back our fucking Count Chocula cereal ASSHOLES!...every minute you wait to re-release that cereal is a dagger in my heart! You thought Yummy-Mummy back in 1988 would make up for it? Guess again!)

The MSM repeatedly fails to bring us "real" issues that candidates stand for. Instead of voting on issues and executive policy that might actually be used in *gasp* REAL LIFE, political discourse as presented by the MSM usually takes on "tough questions" concerning how likable and presidential our candidates look and feel. So really we aren't talking about a presidential race at all...this is a brand war. A breakfast cereal bake-off, if you will.

As you can see we have two desirable General Mills cereal. One is pretty impressive. It has an obese cow on the front. If you pour in milk it makes straw-berry milk! But on the other hand you have a cereal that is LEGENDARY. Count Chocula is empirically the greatest cereal known to man. Is this the way presidential elections should work, who knows? But that's the way they do it.

Expect it to end anytime soon? Highly doubtful. Get ready for 2012

Writers Strike, Viewers Bawl

After weeks of the Writers Strike, many viewers have been deprived of their weekly shots of TV enjoyment (or, in the case of Late Night shows, daily doses). On one hand, I personally support the writers (I tried to grow a solidarity beard like Conan and Letterman, but it looked really patchy and pathetic). At the same time, I am furious at them for depriving me of Jack Bauer, John Locke, Michael Scott, Dr. Cox, Liz Lemon, and Horn-Rimmed Glasses Dude and his hot daughter. I may need to get HBO so I can watch The Wire. What if they had done this when The Simpsons and Family Guy were still funny? What if they had done this when Seinfeld was on??? Madness…

Thinking about this, I now realize how many shows there are on TV that I like and that are somewhat intelligently written, despite all my bitching about the amount of garbage on TV (although I admit, if you’re really stressed out with school or work, watching some mindless show like Jerry Springer can be awesome). This surprising collection of quality shows (in some cases quality is a relative term, but still) indicates that the writers are giving us alternatives to the nonsense of “Reality” TV.

With sit-coms and dramas on hiatus or cutting their seasons short, the networks are scrambling to fill Prime Time slots. The new trend has been game shows, for those of you saw Howie Mendel talk to bankers on the phone for 20 minutes a week and wanted more! Now they are doing this crazy game show with a lie detector and other lowest-common-denominator programs. My concern now is that, in the midst this TV Renaissance, the strike will force these good shows off the air. Will people gradually accept the crap that’s replacing the old shows? How long until Reality TV has us watching a two-hour montage of celebrities taking a dump, live on national television? In the immortal words of Robin Williams, “it’s not the end of civilization, but you can see it from here.” He said that before the strike…

Rudy Giuliani: Hegemony of Failure

Can you spot the three failures in this picture? Yes, that's right, you're looking at the triple crown. America, The Yankees and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.It's not easy to admit you're a failure and it's damn near impossible when you're from New York. That's the sad truth America had to learn this week. As the GOP nomination for presidency is looking less and less like a certainty and more like an senior citizen retirement package for the former New York City mayor. There's a tried and true procedure for becoming president in the United States. Most people would refer to it as the "Primary System", where America's political parties get behind their desired candidate. Then, (as nearly all US citizen applicants & roughly 4% of WASL & IOWA test takers know) the two parties naturally get behind their candidate and have the "general election"; however, Mr.Giuliani had a better idea. Starting his campaign in Florida, because it held "a shit ton" (his words, not mine) of delegates. To this end PMW will attempt to understand the psychosis and political short-comings of the Rudy Giuliani campaign, much like how a psychologist examines that flawed self-absorbent logic of a child, or an FBI profiler tries to understand the insanity of a serial killer. So too, will we have to dive deep into his world. We will have to become the RUDY brand of crazy.

"It was a unique blend of buffoonery, eccentricity and Steve Forbes 'flaw-gic' that got us here" -Amy Dawson, Rudy Giuliani campaign volunteer, Age:24

A supposedly great President once said "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself", and according to a recent Zogby poll of GOP candidates, most Republicans feared the leadership skills of Rudy Giuliani more than any other candidate (excluding Ron Paul)

With FDR's famous words in mind, it would have been wise for Giuliani to second guess his own instincts. After all, the only thing the Giuliani had to fear was Giuliani himself. Little did Rudy know, his own antics would become a further burden throughout the campaign.

Strike One: The Rudy-Horror Picture Show

What most Republicans didn't know, was that besides a 9/11 gloating, terrorist bruising badass, the ex-mayor was also very fond of tiny pink Chanel dresses and Prada tote bags. That's right, Rudy Giuliani is/was an active member in the transvestite community of New York. While this lifestyle definitely reached out to the more obscure and openly gay "log cabin" republicans, it did more to offend the conservative christian base. To obscure the right-wing moral compass was strike 1 in the bottom of the 9th for the ex-mayor.

Strike Two: Florida (The Chocolate + Peanut Butter Strategy)

A great man once said "chocolate, peanut butter, individually they are both quite tasty, but put them together and they are almost TOO tasty!" I'm sure at some point, Mr. Giuliani was sitting in his high-rise Manhattan apartment, admiring his beautiful Steve Madden pumps with matching leather wrist accessories and thinking "do i really want to run for president, wouldn't it be much nicer to retire somewhere nice and warm, like Florida?" There comes a time when Plan A and Plan B are both quite good. Often times it's easy to get caught up in the process of combining them. Marie Antoinette called it "having your cake and eating it too", at PMW we call it Plan C (others call it bullcrap). At any rate, Plan C is fundamentally flawed because it assumes the best possible outcome for two nearly impossible tasks.

Other famous failed "Plan C's" include:

-The 3/5s Compromise

-The Star Wars Program

-Any conceivable Happy Days spin-off

-DDT

-The Vietnam "War"

-1980-1989

-Led Zeppelin Touring in 2008

Strike Three: Pick a Loser to Run the Show


Running for office in any branch of the federal government can be a tricky task. What's most important is that you know what you're doing. If you're S.O.L. in the "knows what I'm doing department" there's still hope yet. Political advisors can be valuable allies and team leaders; they've presumably been through the motions and won these kinds of tough elections...or have they?

Enter Steve Forbes (Epic Failure)

When the cat was out of the bag, and America found out that Big Rudy was going to make a run at the White House, his first thought, turn to a failure? Well apparently so. He tapped the famous billionaire loser Steve Forbes to manage his presidential campaign. Famous for being a straight talking, no-nonsense, weisenheimer with too much money to actually "feel" for the common man, Forbes' campaign broke down in the early stages of the 2000 election when rumors began to circulate that Mr. Forbes believed pain and hunger were tools that lazy migrant workers used to get out of mowing his 950 square acre estate. Planning was definitely not Mr. Forbes strong suite, his response adds actually targeted his own gardening and landscaping workers. This truly shameful act seems unreasonable, but with blunders like starting a primary campaign in Florida, it's no wonder that this whole scheme "makes sense" to Rudy.

Strike Three

You're Out

FOREVER

Bill Clinton stripped of “First Black President” title

During Saturday’s South Carolina primary, when Barack Obama destroyed Hillary Clinton by a 2-1 margin, South Carolina stripped Bill of his “First Black President” mantle. “Obama is the first black president, bitch,” exclaimed SC, with 91% of the precincts reporting. “What have you done for us lately?” SC saw an overwhelming turnout of black voters, many of whom expressed a desire for Bill Clinton to “shut up” in the wake of his political attacks against Obama.

“Listen, Bill,” SC lectured. “The time black voters spent with you was special. We will never forget it. It felt so good to defeat the Republicans after 12 years of that damn Teflon Reagan and his awkward sidekick who couldn’t decide if he was a nerd or a hick. But now we are moving on. It was just a fling, a one-night stand. Now, just like with your other affair, go back to your wife and leave us be. Get over it, pal. We had a good run together. We came out and voted for you. And it was good. You had nice comments on affirmative action, although we got sick of seeing the token black woman next to you every time you gave a speech on welfare reform, but whatever. The point is, let’s remember the nineties as a wonderful time and go our separate ways.”

In a related story John Edwards was also stripped Native Son status in SC. He was once their hometown hero, but South Carolinians official classified him as faded from their memories with his third place finish. When asked to elaborate on the downfall of John Edwards here, SC replied, “John who?”

Get out the Geezer Vote, Barack!

The senior vote is always a winner, especially as the baby boom generation reaches its senior years. Seniors always vote and they pretty much have to. They have to manage their medical plans, they usually have money to protect, death stalks them at every turn, and they worry about their kids or grandchildren (or even themselves if the time is approaching for them to move into an old folks’ home). They generally have nothing to do and feel a sense of civic duty to vote. Moreover, they get paid to sit in a rocking chair all day and they stay politically involved in order to maintain that scenario. Most of all, they are easily scandalized, so they can easily be drawn to the polls over shocking issues. I mean, no senior has viewed that vile 2girls1cup video without having a heart attack, although only five seniors in the country were tech-savvy enough to find it (I didn’t mean to forward that to you, Uncle Jimmy, I swear).

The youth vote is the epitome of a crapshoot because younger people have stuff to do. They are more likely to miss the vote because of work, sleep, or bar hopping and clubbing at night (or recovering in the morning). They are not paid to sit in a rocking chair (they need money until that wonderful day comes), and they are too apathetic to feel the government has anything to offer them. They also feel like they are immortal, so don’t feel a need to worry about anything. Unlike the elderly, most of them have no kids and their parents can support them in an emergency, and most don’t have to worry about medical bills. Most of all, it is impossible to use a scandal to scare them into voting because nothing shocks them. For example, they’ve all seen the 2girls1cup video and most didn’t even throw up (I almost did).

So Hillary, as the Geezer Candidate, has a huge advantage over Barack because her votes are a sure thing. Obama is left to depend on soon-to-be and current yuppie programmers, hippie activists, and materialistic bimbos. These people would rather be writing in Q-Basic/C sharp/HTML (Hyper…Techies are Majorly Lame…), eating organic vegan soy vegetable extract at a Dennis Kucinich rally, or sitting at home watching Celebrity Cribs and taking vigorous notes. Make a solid appeal to the senior voters, Barack, or start writing your concession speech.

(Never) Give the People What they Want

America is a freedom-loving country of rugged individualists that despise big government. Obviously the Democrats are known for supporting big government with their tax hikes and large social programs. However, the Republicans have been surpassing them lately, running up large deficits, limiting civil liberties, and supporting religious-based laws. This creates a political void and no candidate would seem more perfect to fill it than the rebellious Libertarian doctor from The Execution State. Sadly, Ron Paul’s candidacy is going nowhere, but why? The problem is Paul gives the people want they want. He is offering them everything they have ever asked for and that is always a huge mistake. People do not have the foggiest idea of what they want. Allow me to offer a History lesson.


After people had decried the shifty dishonesty of politicians for years, Dr. Howard Dean burst on the scene full of candid honesty. However, people decided they did not like his bedside manner after all (Screaming at his patients was also counterproductive, it turns out).

In 2000, everyone was bitching about having to vote for the lesser of two evils, when along came Ralph Nader, who harnessed this sentiment and…got 3% of the popular vote. The lesson learned: More than anything, people want to vote for a winner, and Nader obviously was a total loser. (But at least his campaign accomplished…uh…)

Finally, in 1992, as the once-Grand Old Party continued to clumsily evolve away from its traditional values under the clumsy leadership of our Putz-President George H. W. Bush, Ross Perot emerged with policy positions that Americans seemed to be clamoring for in the wake of the election. What we learned that year was that policy means very little to voters and what people really want is a president who looks good on television (Those gigantic objects attached to his head were not helping his cause).

So, politicians succeed by looking good, sticking with the establishment, and telling people what they want to hear, but not going through with it when it has costs. Reagan preached small government, but limited it to tax cuts, while actually expanding the government. In the end, he was smart enough to know that people didn’t want government programs cut. They just wanted a smiling face to tell them government was shrinking (Note the direct correlation between how much people pay in taxes and how much they pay attention). So smile and be vague, Dr. Paul. It’s your only hope. Don’t make the voters think too much and whatever you do, never give the people they want. You’re better off just giving them the finger.

Don’t Call it a Comeback

He fought off Huck’s evangelical insurgency and parried Chuck’s roundhouse kick. He sent Fred back to syndication. He silenced the Ron Paul Revolution. He sent Giuliani back to 9/11. He sent Romney back to…where is Romney gonna go? They don’t like him back in Boston. Mac is back, not that he was ever gone. Without Bush and Rove to spread rumors about his illegitimate black child, no one could stand in his way. He even weathered attacks from Ross Perot that he supported a conspiracy to cover up abandoned P.O.W.’s.

McCain is becoming a juggernaut in the primaries. The path for victory is laid out like dominoes. His South Carolina win has put the Thompson and Huckabee campaigns in their last throes. Romney has yet to win a state that anyone cares about and isn’t getting the press he needs. McCain will probably enter Florida with Fred and Huck’s supporter gravitating toward him as he takes on Giuliani in Florida. If he knocks out Giuliani in the Senior State, that sets him up to annihilate Romney on Super-Duper-Anderson Cooper Tuesday.

That could set up for a historic moment in American history: Our first McPresident, besides McKinley, who got shot by a man who did not appreciate having a McPresident. Imagine the message it would send to Ireland when they we elect a president named McCain. And they said the GOP field lacked diversity!

In all seriousness, this is a huge blow to Hillary’s Experience Campaign. My guess is, while running against McCain, Hillary would say "We don't need somebody who can play the game better…We need somebody to put an end to the game plan… A long resume doesn't mean good judgment… [People who] have been in Washington too long…led us into the worst foreign policy disaster in a generation.” Hmmm, sounds familiar.*


*Quotes from Barack Obama

The News Died Today

Listen I don't want to make a big thing out of it, but seriously...the news died today. We know the news has been on it's way out for a while now. Today on CNN.com i logged in to try and figure out how the primary race might be shaping up.



Instead i got this on the front page...

In case you can't read this deplorable smut, it says " JANUARY 21: SADDEST DAY OF THE YEAR?" .................sweet Jesus...ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? And to make it worse there's a picture of some emo cry baby with a teddy bear! So basically after i saw this article I shit my own pants and passed out in front of my computer. For some reason my brain just short circuited on the amount of stupid coming from CNN.com today. Again, thanks a lot mainstream media, there's 2 wars, global warming, an election and this was your choice for front page news.....I'll just go kill myself now.

A Salute to the Ever-Consistent Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton has long been known for his indisputable consistency. From navigating scandal damage control to restating policy positions, he stays the course. To this day, he continues to parse the definition of the “is.” On Saturday, the Democrats ventured into the Wild West to caucus in Nevada. Largely regarded as an unimportant caucus, (even to Nevadans themselves), the press predictably has turned this into a steel cage match. An epic, three-way showdown between the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (decide for yourself who is who).

Recently, Bill Clinton was publicly reprimanding reporters and supporting a lawsuit against the Nevada Democratic Party for holding caucuses in casinos, which benefits the Culinary Workers Union. The union endorsed Obama, and the cooks work mostly in the casinos. In contrast, Nevada teachers tend to support Hillary and live further away, so this is not good for Hillary. Shockingly, the Clintons had no problem with this situation before the cooks unexpectedly backed Obama.

Bill further argued that voter suppression was taking place in Nevada, an egregious injustice that disrupted the democratic process here and made the results unfair and invalid. Oh wait! Hillary just defeated Obama in the Happy Ending State. This begs the question: were Obama voters suppressed? Is Hillary’s victory tainted and illegitimate? Is Bill just totally full of shit?

Political Mouthwash can’t say for sure that Obama wouldn’t have pulled the same shenanigans in Bill’s place, but we are definitely tired of watching Bill spoon-feed the nation this bullshit and we strongly would like, at the very least, to see the bullshit come from a new face. We feel that Barack Obama may be the best person to stand before the country and bullshit us. He at least can do it calmly and pleasantly, unlike the cranky Bill Clinton, who is clearly frustrated from going hours without sex. If Hillary is too busy, she needs to send Huma in.

Hypocrisy 2008: The Gun Issue

Yessss!!! it's the Sears catalog from 1968. Today at PMW we're going to turn back the clock for a few minutes. Look and these smiling white folks and their high powered fire-arms! Yep...that's how it used to be. Back in the "good ol' days" of LBJ, Wilt Chamberlain and what looks to be gender-ambiguous haircuts. Boy I'm sure Tommy, Billy and Petie are having a SWELL Christmas with their high powered rifles! We've come a lot of way since those days. There was less government, there were less rules and black people had a lot less freedom. No no...i know what you're thinking. This isn't Ron Paul's wet dream, this was ACTUALLY America, some 40 years ago. Believe it or not the 60's were a liberal's paradise. Free Love, rampant drug use and some musical acts that haven't necessarily been topped yet. So is this just another conservative family, providing their children the necessary means to fend off the deranged hippie masses? Perhaps a local hippie population has over-dosed on LSD. Their zombified corpses wandering aimlessly through the streets droning on about free love and communism? (GASP) they must be killed! No No, i offer you a scenario much more unbelievable then any Zombie gore fest you can possibly imagine!

This is a (you better sit down for this...)

LIBERAL family!

"Bullshit!" you say, "I can spot a liberal family from a mile away!" Well allow me to weave together for you, a tapestry of truth and opinion. Long ago, when the lines between "conservative" and "liberal" were a little bit more grey, so called "liberals" did a lot of things that conservatives today naturally call their own. Hunting, shooting, fishing, fighting wars.....these are all activities that involve fire-arms. I know I know, you're thinking "bullshit, people don't fish with guns" ....well you couldn't be more wrong.

All the arguing aside, liberals indeed have a long and dedicated past regarding the advancement of the fire-arm. While it was conservatives (Nazis) who actually invented the assault rifle, it was really liberals (Communists) who were responsible with it's sophistication and advanced production. All told, liberals created the most widely used and what many have claimed "the best assault rifle ever made". Any guesses as to what that might be? Yep, you got it. The AK-47. Pictured below is an elite soviet soldier with an AK-47.

So today, after examining history I think it's time we take a step back. No, liberals aren't anti-gun. For those of you who are NRA members, nobody has had done more to give the "common man" real firepower like liberals have. There are an estimated 70 million AK-47s circulating worldwide. That's why it's been called "the world's favorite killing machine." THANKS LIBERALS. Since 1947 they've been doing a darn good job of arming the world ;)

(Pictured above, famous liberal journalist Hunter S. Thompson)

Remember that time the media didn’t suck? Me neither.

Many people disagree about why the MSM (Mainstream Media, hereafter Mainly Shitty Media) sucks. However, most people agree that it does indeed suck. In the immortal words of Homer, they are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Conservatives have long complained that the media has a liberal bias, citing the its excessive sympathy for underprivileged groups and pundits' awkward cluelessness about religion. Liberals have recently decried a conservative bias in the media, evident in its favoritism of Bush over Gore in 2000 and its early support for the Iraq War.

In actuality, "liberal" and "conservative" are both poor labels for describing the media, but it does, in fact, suffer from a bias toward being absolutely abysmal. Dating back to Reagan, the media has consistently sided with the candidate with the coolest personality in elections, regardless of political party. Obviously Clinton and W were favored over Bush Sr. (everyone’s lovable but out-of-touch grandpa), Dole (everyone’s creepy, cranky, Viagra-fiend grandpa), Gore (everyone’s lecturing, buzz-kill teacher), and Kerry (everyone’s…what the fuck were the Democrats thinking? What a bad choice). The exception was Bush vs. Dukakis, when the press remaining neutral because both were putzes.

On the Iraq War, they simply showed an epic amount of gutlessness, following popular opinion every step of the way. And as far as sympathy for underprivileged groups, they offer little real discussion of policies. They just weave together footage of people whose lives suck in hopes of bringing viewers to tears. Not so they will support social programs, but so that the news can get higher ratings. Worst of all, the media seems incapable of answering basic, crucial questions correctly, such as:

What stories qualify as “news”?

You said…Britney Spears’ parental blunders, Lindsey Lohan’s relentless partying, Sanjaya’s mystique, 24 hour Lacy Peterson coverage, and how Martha Stewart spent her house arrest.

Survey says…[X!] No. I’m sorry. Next question:

What are the policy differences between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama?

You said…Hillary cries when she talks about her policies and her policies are based on experience, while Obama is black when he talks about his policies and they are based on change.

Survey says…[XX!] Ooh, nice try…sort of. Not really. Final question:

When people watch the news, what do they look for?

You said… Mindless, emotionally-charged entertainment that focuses on celebrities, drugs, murders and abductions of pretty white women, controversial statements by people no one cares about, and sex scandals.

What. Does. The Survey Saaaayyyy…[DING DING DING!] Fuck…

FOCUS '08: Wage Slaves || Share-cropping in the 21st Century

"R.I.P. American Dream, We hardly knew ye."

- Abraham Lincoln 1789

In an effort to further understand the plight of the electorate this voting season, PMW is taking steps bring their pain directly to YOU! Our new FOCUS '08 segment will do exactly that. Today we take a long hard look at America's working class. Minimum wage earners trying survive.

Our journey begins at a Wal-Mart super center in downtown Galveston, Texas.

Name: Harriet Andrews

Age: 33

Occupation: Wal-Mart Greeter

Life Status: Miserable / African American






Political Mouthwash: "Hi, what is your name Ma'am?"


Harriet Andrews: "Thanks for shopping at Wal-Mart, my name his Harriet Andrews"


Political Mouthwash: "May we ask you some questions about your employment here?"


Harriet Andrews: [Under her breath]: Meet me out back in 15 minutes, I'll have a 10 minute smoke break, we can talk all about it.


- 15 Minutes Later -


Harriet Andrews: Hey sorry 'bout that. It's company policy that we can't talk about employment while we're on the job, i guess it's bad press or something. Anyways, I can't get fired any more this week. I've already been fired twice this month.


Political Mouthwash: From the same store? How is that possible?


Harriet Andrews: Oh heavens, i don't know. Turnover is so high, they practically higher anybody with a pulse. The only catch is once you get fired and hired back on, you have to start at the base salary of $8.23 an hour.


Political Mouthwash: Ouch!


Harriet Andrews: Oh, that's not the worst of it honey. You lose all your full-time benefits to. It can take years without getting fired to get those back. So far I've only been able to go six months at most before getting fired. It's kind of surprising because I have one of the better employment records here at the store.


Political Mouthwash: So the reason we're here actually is to ask you a little about your job, just basic questions. You're kind of our random sample. Maybe you can tell us a bit about where you live, your family and your annual savings?


Harriet Andrews: I live about 3 blocks down the street, in those apartments over there, The Beachview with my 3 sons (Tatum, Jerome and Nathan). My husband left us after our third child was born. I haven't seen that ass-hole for maybe five years now? As for savings, yeah i know it's some shameful shit, but I ain't got a fucking scrap. In fact, I'm in about $25,000 worth of credit card debt right now. The only way I'm keeping this ship floating is payday loans and a serious fucking coupon collection.


Political Mouthwash: Is this how you pictured your life maybe 10 or 15 years ago when you were younger? What aspirations did you have then?


Harriet Andrews: Yeah, this is about right. Well actually, I was really hoping to work at Target: Greatland because they give a better employee discount. Wal-mart supercenter was my next choice, it's still pretty good. We get 10% off their already low prices. It's a good deal.


Political Mouthwash: I find it hard to believe you've never had any higher ambitions than Wal-Mart or Target, is this where you shop for all your household needs?


Harriet Andrews: Well shit, it ain't like we've had a whole lot of "opportunity" 'round here. There just ain't the jobs here like there used to be. My dad and his dad both had jobs working at the steel mill. That's been shut down for some time. Nowadays you need some kind of education to get out of this line of work...either that or sell some crack, personally I can't stomach doing either. Between the two I'd probably sell rocks. I mean shit, school is too expensive and i wasn't never much for education anyways, my teachers always told me I was bad with school kinds of stuff.


Political Mouthwash: OMG! How much does it suck to be you right now!?!?


Harriet Andrews: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Hey, listen, we don't have glamorous lives here at Wal-mart, but I'm proud of my life and my family.


Political Mouthwash: Astonishing!

To be continued.........

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN?: Who Should Replace the Candidates?

Mike Huckabee: Chuck Norris. Huckabee owes everything to Norris anyway. And honestly, who could you possibly trust to protect you more from enemy nations? What country would dare mess with President Chuck Norris, with his finger on the trigger of a Nuclear Roundhouse Kick?


Fred Thompson: A rotting corpse or a KFC Famous Bowl. (Explained in previous post)


Mitt Romney: John Kerry. They’re both rich, elite, aloof, Massachusetts flip-floppers. At least Kerry had a war record to run on. Lucky for the Republicans, Kerry is not on their side. Unfortunately, Romney is.


John McCain: John Rambo. Both are badass Vietnam vets who saw everyone turn their backs on them. Like Rambo, McCain is mounting an impressive comeback despite his age.





Ron Paul: Guy Fawkes. Paul even did a Guy Fawkes fundraiser! Both are insurgent activists advocating a revolution against a corrupt government. Remember, remember, this November, the Libertarian-cowboy-doctor. Except no one will...


Barack Obama: David Palmer. This is a no-brainer. Anyone who’s watched 24 knows no president could top Palmer. Hell, I’d take Dennis Haysbert. They both look exactly the same and it’s not like anyone pays attention to what the president says anyway. While Thompson has only played a lawyer on TV, Dennis Haysbert has at least played the president, making him the best choice. When you cast your vote this November, ask yourself: Are you in good hands?

Hillary Clinton: Bill Clinton. Everyone knows he could have won a 3rd term if it was legal and I think that’s what her candidacy is based on. More people want Bill to be “first laddie” (his words) than actually want the former lady to be president. If she’s elected, it’s Back to the Future, get in the D’Lorian and head back to 1992. She’ll preside over economic prosperity. She’ll let Bill make a disastrous attempt to reform healthcare. She’ll get impeached for having a hot-blooded lesbian revenge affair to spite Bill. Ken Starr will crawl out of whatever rock he’s under and go for Round 2 against his arch-nemeses. And we know when it’s over, Jeb will be there waiting in the wings for his chance to be president and keep it going.

Huma Abedin: Hillary’s body person…in more ways than one?

In covering electoral politics, journalists encounter many rumors about different candidates. However, in the name of journalistic integrity, Political Mouthwash does not sink to the level of reporting on mere rumors. All the rumors about Hillary on sites like Drudge Report are ridiculous and we will completely ignore them. Except this one.

Pictured above, next to Hillary, is Huma Abedin, Hillary’s “body person.” This needlessly provocative title basically means that she is Hillary’s close advisor and personal assistant. Huma follows Hillary around all day and she actually wakes Hillary up and tucks her in. It’s a like a slumber party. A secret, hot, lesbian slumber party. I wonder if Bill has gotten in on that. Rumor has it that the two are engaged in a lesbian affair. But can you blame Hillary if it’s true? I mean whether she’s a lesbian or not, how could you resist that? I certainly couldn’t.

Even stranger are the stories surrounding Huma, who is well-known to political insiders. She has been called a genius and supposedly doesn’t sweat a drop even in intense heat. Public-radio broadcaster Katia Dunn believes “she has special powers.” There are conflicting reports on how old she is, ranging from 29 to 39, but the overwhelming consensus is that she’s old enough. Regardless, if Hillary’s not tapping that, she should at least have the class to pass Huma on to Bill. I mean, we might as well get Bill’s sex scandal out of the way early, so we can move on as a nation.

Admin Update!

Well here is the first Admin Update EVER here at PMW. We'd like to thank all of our readers for the overwhelming support and compliments. As part of our never-ending struggle to bring you the most biting political commentary in the history of biting political commentary, we will be introducing a number of new changes to PMW in the near future.

1) Ad Space. Yes, sadly, gone are the days of blank wall space on PMW. Starting sometime in the next two weeks, you will be seeing add space on our site. Don't worry it won't be those annoying "swat the fly" kind of interactive adds (i fucking hate those), moreover, we need the added revenue to make this site even better with things like........

2) Merchandise! yes, in the spirit of selling out PMW will be selling t-shirts, coffee mugs, and maybe even thongs (wait no..especially thongs!) Keep your eyes peel'd in the coming months. Many changes are in store.

Thanks,

Political Mouthwash Staff

WHY CAN'T IT HAPPEN?: Three Six Mafia for President 2012

Four years after the first black president is elected (and tragically assassinated) and the dreams of Martin Luther King are crushed like so many of America's powerful black leaders, the white American aristocracy transcends from the shell-shock of minority rule, and a new political consciousness has emerged in America. Thanks to a woefully inadequate standard of excellence in main-stream media, the public's requirements for an effective president have devolved to a point where nearly anybody with "electability" is eligible for the presidency. Gone are the days when voters were stiffled with trivialities like "issues" and "ethics". The modern pollster understands that a politicians success or failure in this new political landscape hinges solely on a candidates likability and commitment to his/her own core ideals or "values", whatever they might be.

Enter: Three Six Mafia

The Three Six Mafia resume, is a essentially a "how to" list on presidential election.

Everything seemed good for Three Six Mafia; however, as America has learned with other things like Communism, Ford Pinto's and John Kerry, things often look better on paper then they do in real life. Aside from their stellar pre-election credentials, how would they respond to questions from the "common" man?

TOWN MEETING TONIGHT - Special Guest: Three Six Mafia

QUESTION 1:

Travis Nedry (Age 71): What will the Three Six Mafia do to ensure that the 150,00 seniors who are living in poverty in America are able to afford the medication that they desperately need?

Three Six Mafia: Any O.G. who need some kind of drug, whether it be that kush, perp, oxy cotton, yay...we hustle that, ya feel me?

Question 2:

Danny Epstein (Age 37): I hear a lot from your campaign about fixing the "so-called" problems in our poor communities, and trying to change the fight against something you call "in-equity". Honestly, i'm not sure I buy into your whole fairy tale, where minorities are somehow treated unfairly. Perhaps we should try teaching them the value of hard work? Honestly, where do you stand on issues that matter to me, like the war on terror?

Three Six Mafia: [Smacks Mr. Epstein in the face with a piece of decorative bread] You see that Danny boy? When you act like a bitch, you get smacked up like a bitch. Now to get to your faggot-ass question. Little bitches like danny boy don't understand the "fairy tale" that's going on in our cities 'cuz, they ain't never been up in our cities. And to be trill wit' ya, you'd be dead in five minutes if you came to my hood. To answer your home-land security question, i'd be lyin' to say i ain't handled mine. 9's , 45's whatever the job take. High risk, high profit, I fuck wit' dat.


Question 3:
Lisa Mcpherson (Age 33): Where do you stand on a woman's right to chose? I havn't heard your camp make clear preference toward pro-life or pro-choice and to be blunt, your NARAL ranking is less than stellar. Can you give me your word that you'll work to preserve the woman's right to choose?

Three Six Mafia: To answer your question Ho'..err..Ma'am, we don't necessarily support a woman's right to choose anything; however, if we decide to run that train on ya', and any of us is a baby daddy, you best be gettin' to that clinic.



It's not necessarily pretty, but the Three Six Mafia has the essentials that American voters have shown they so desire in a candidate. They're electable and they show a blind devotion to an ideology we can never possibly understand. They are Winners...in 2012