GOP POWER RANKINGS

After years of lying dominant, it has finally returned. Not Political Mouthwash, well, that too, but I mean the GOP Presidential Primaries. Primaries are much easier to write and joke about. I am much prouder of the work I did lambasting kooky candidates than my mockery of movements, like the Tea Party, or actual policy. Let’s be honest, I was getting bitchy and wonky at the same time, so onward! Here is my ranking of 2012 primary contenders by how likely they will earn the nomination.

Front Runner: Tim "Good n' Pawlenty"
aka T-Paw aka Early Front Runner (usually a bad sign)
He’s boring, but every candidate has a fatal flaw. His path to victory should follow McCain’s in 2008. Be the boring, not crazy, candidate, take an early lead, don’t appeal to the fringe too much, run a lame campaign, fall behind, watch the crazy people destroy each other, win randomly in the last week, laugh at everyone. Then pick a random and inexperienced but super-hot, super-conservative running mate: Christine O’Donnell, this could be your comeback!

2. Mitt from the Mitt
One part of the John McCain playbook T-Paw can’t achieve is that “Next in Line” vibe that rarely fails in GOP primaries from Reagan to McCain. Here, Romney shines. He was runner-up to McCain in 2008 just as McCain was runner-up to Bush in 2000. Still, he was governor of Taxachusetts. I dunno, maybe the GOP will respond to this stump speech:“ObamaCare will destroy our economy, and while I signed into law almost the same program for Massachusetts, I believe in states’ rights, so what I did was fine. And Massachusetts is already a doomed, Liberal dystopia anyhow. How many of you Republicans care that I destroyed Massachusetts? That’s right. None of you. I did you a favor. You’re welcome.”Still, I think they’ll just ask him to run for governor of Vermont instead.

3. Newt Gingrich aka Fig Newton
America wants to forget the last decade, but Newt can with win Nineties Nostalgia! Step back, Mitt, Newt’s next in line, not you. You oppose Obama for passing nation-wide RomneyCare, but Newt was decrying Bill Clinton’s adultery even while he was cheating on his own wife. Also, he’s smarter, somehow less sleazy, and shrewd enough not to tell black babies, “Hey, you got some bling-bling.” Watch out, Mitt.

4. Michele Bachmann
aka Bachmann Turner Overbearing
Well, Sarah, there’s only room for one Mama Grizzly in this primary. You snooze, you lose. If you wish Sarah Palin was less charming and spent less time on talk shows and more time finishing out her terms in office, Michele Bachmann is your candidate. Does Palin even want to run? Too late, Bachmann definitely wants to. Sorry, Sarah, Michele is Looking Out for Number 1. You’ll have to Let it Ride. She is already Takin’ Care of Business. You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet. Also, it’s fitting that she spells Michele with only one L because she’s one ‘ell of a lunatic.
5. Ron “my son outranks me now” PaulHe’s still running. He still opposes a large, active military. He’ll divide the true Tea Partiers and the generic Republicans trying to ride the wave, which is exactly how to lose a primary. He’s a real longshot, but he’ll make things much more entertaining.

6. Rick “Google Me Right Now” Santorum
Don’t do it. Definitely stop reading at “frothy.”

7. Huck
He may not even run, but he could. He has more charm than anyone in the field. Most of all, I think Chuck Norris wants this to happen, and if he campaigns for Huck again, Huck could win easily.

8. Sarah Palin aka Sarah P the Pharisee
See Bachmann. Also, what a relief that the media is finally getting bored of her.

9. Trump aka Wait, WHAT?
Campaign Strategy: Obama? Fired.
On the Issues: Terrorists? Fired. Recession? Fired. Taxes? Fired. Debt? Fired. High gas prices? I’m proud to introduce new Trump Gas Stations. Best gas stations in the world. Period! They’ll solve the gas crisis. Guranteed!
Finally, a very special season of Vice Presidential Apprentice. It’s gonna be huge!