Opt Out of America

Many people argue tirelessly that the federal government is the problem, not the solution. The question is, do any of them mean it? Conservatives have lamented the Obama administration's excessive spending and regulating, some going as far as bringing up secession.

I think it's time we called their bluff! Let them secede! The fact is none of these states have the balls to secede, and Texas and Florida are the only states that have a prayer of surviving on their own. Red States survive because they are highly subsidized primarily by the Blue States and by big cities, which tend to be more liberal. Basically, for all their complaining about welfare, most of Red America is leeching off a giant welfare system. If they don't like federal spending, let's see how long they can survive without federal subsidies. I bet they come crawlin' back real fast!

As we ask ourselves which corporations are too big to fail, we should ask, is the United States of America too big to succeed? Did the Health Care Fiasco of 2009, with all those town halls and protests and Tea Parties, prove that Democracy doesn't work for a country of 300 million? Can we agree on anything? There's sort of agreement that the Obama has been a disappointment, but why? (hint: ridiculous expectations) Some say he's catering to the liberal base and changing things too much. Some say he sold out his base and is too conservative. Some say he's a weak, naive dreamer. Some say he's just another corrupt Chicago politician. Our nation encompasses so many viewpoints, regions, climates, and demographics. We have people from thousands of miles away telling New Yorkers where they should build a mosque.

What holds us together? In the wake of the Civil War, we were sharply divided, North and South. Now, we're fragmented, divided in muliple ways on a multitude of issues. What do New York and Texas have in common? Florida and Washington (DC or State)? Really, the only thing similarity is that the British wanted all this land for themselves.

Many people say that what makes America great is our diversity. Not just the Black History Month kind of diversity. Also, that we have the "Left Coast," the Libertarian West, Texas, the Midwest, The Deep South, and the East Coast all in one country. That we have Gun Nuts and Soccer Moms, Hippies and Socialites, Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck, John Stewart and Dr Phil (well, maybe not Dr. Phil). And I agree. This is part of what makes this country so great. It's like the Beatles. They were great because they had John Lennon and Paul McCartney, two great musicians with very different approaches. John thought Paul was pretentious, Paul thought John was a hippie, but they made it work, and they were one of the greatest groups of their time.

It's worth noting that the Beatles broke up after 10 years. Other bands lasted much longer, but should have broken up sooner (see Led Zeppelin; U2; Weezer). It's pretty amazing that the Beatles lasted 10 years. The same goes for the USA. Maybe it's time to break up. We have discussed whether states would be able to opt out of health care reforms. They should be able to opt out of America!

Let some states do those solo projects they wanted to do, like that Free Market Paradise, where the government is small enough to drown in a bathtub (it'll flop, I guarantee it!). Then we can have a reunion tour in a couple decades, when states are bankrupt or recovering from drug problems, assuming that none of them ends up like John Lennon.

License to Spill

PMW received this statement from Tony Heyward and BP, with apologies to the Beastie Boys.

Now, here’s a little story I got to tell
About a big corporation you know too well
It started way back in history
With Barack, Sarah Palin, and us, BP

Sarah said...it’s time to drill baby drill
Barack hesitated, but said yes we will
Drilling in the soil, getting lots of oil
Till we sprung a leak and caused lots of turmoil

Our name is BP, we got a license to drill
I think you know what time is, it’s time to stop the spill
Now what do we have here? America shouldn’t fear
We’ll clean this land, you understand. We’ve made ourselves clear

So we tried the top hat, we tried the hot tap
We tried the junk shot and a huge dome cap
We even tried a system that was called top kill
But no matter what we did, oil continued to spill

We were in a tough boat, the GOP began to gloat
And right about now we need Obama to emote
The King Barack; that is my name
And I know you’re all mad but I won’t take the blame

Sarah Palin said, you know, this only goes to prove
We gotta drill on land, where it’s easier to move
She says, this is bad, the outlook ain’t sunny
But I’m writing a new book and I’m about to get money

We at BP know we’ve lost some respect
But to keep making profits is what we expect

Sarah got the money, Barack’s down in the polls
We’re facing many criminal charges, that’s cold

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN? CULTURE WARS END IN COMPROMISE

What we have here, AS USUAL, is a failure to communicate. But it's really bad this time. The culture wars are coming back and I fear they'll be worse than ever.

- The Waco Kid, previous post

Yes, here come the culture wars again. Here come ugly, nasty debates. The Amoral, Naïve Liberals vs. the Intolerant, Holier-Than-Thou Conservatives. These are issues that polarize America, that get people out in the street marching, and mostly importantly, make lots of money for political candidates.


So, I’m fed up. I want these issues to go away. They suck. So, here is my modest proposal to end the culture wars in America, so we can go back to the good old days when Obama was called an Atheist, Socialist Elitist rather than a Muslim Spy.

LET’S START WITH GAY MARRIAGE. Face it, people. Gay marriage is happening. Older folks are much more likely to be against it, so here's the deal. We're going to legalize gay marriage, but we're phasing it in slowly.

For Blue States, gay marriage will take affect in 8 years. For Swing States, 10 years. Red States, 12 years. States can ban gay marriage before then, but all bans expire at the deadline. That way, far fewer of you old folks will have to endure it and we can move on and stop debating this issue.

Also, we’re starting with Lesbian Marriage. A recent Political Mouthwash/Deadwood Pioneer poll shows that while only 50% of the country supports gay marriage, 70% support Lesbian Marriage. 80% of males opposing gay marriage in this poll agreed with the following statement: “When I said I opposed gay marriage, I was thinking of two dudes, and now that I think about it, two chicks getting married sounds hot.” This will help people warm up to the idea of gay marriage.

This plan has been approved by the Supreme Court. The Scalito Four predictably voted against it. Justice Breyer and the Liberal Ladies obviously voted for it. The plan was ruled grrrreat by "Tony the Tie Breaker" (aka Anthony Kennedy), giving it 5-4 victory.

So, gay marriage? Solved. Ground Zero Muslim Center? Immigration? Abortion? I'll get back to you...

I Quit

Am I leaving this blog? No. Not yet. This blog is may be on its last legs. I'm hoping that midterm elections inspire me to write a little, then the Grand Old Primary will begin immediately, and that could destroy my writer's block. Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Good n' Pawlenty, and Mitt from the Mitt all ripping each other to shreds for the opportunity to finish the job Old Man McCain couldn't and then take on the hardest job ever.

But right now, nothing is funny. It's all super-charged, pissy, joyless bickering. A large portion of the public is offended by the building of a mosque at Ground Zero. Remember the people who said the government's recent efforts to provide people with health care or other necessities of life were a gross infringement on our freedom? They are now demanding that the government meddle in affairs regarding private property to prevent a religious group from worshipping anywhere it wants.

That's the punchline. That's it. There's nothing funny about this. People are upset and have decided the wounds of 9/11 have overpowered their will to think rationally. This is irrational, plain and simple. Everyone's entitled to their opinions, but that doesn't mean they are logical. So the anti-Mosque folks say this is too painful for 9/11 families to endure and maybe an Islamic takeover. The pro-Mosque crowd says the anti-Mosque-itos are racists. I don't have the energy to process this anymore. Have we deteriorated to a level of dumb beasts? Is there no communication is this country?

What we have here, AS USUAL, is a failure to communicate. But it's really bad this time. The culture wars are coming back and I fear they'll be worse than ever. Already, this country is broke, many more than usual are out of work, there's no end in sight, and there's no consenus on a single policy that could help. Yet, these cultural issues are coming back already.

In addition to this mosque uproar, now illegal immigration is coming to the forefront. The job market is so bad that fewer and fewer illegals can even come here, yet somehow this issue is gaining traction again. It's another issue that devolves into yelling and name-calling. If you wanna deport all the illegals, you're a racist. If you don't, you're a naive fool who doesn't care about national security or law enforcement.

These are loaded issues where civil, productive discussion is difficult. With Mr. Post-Partisan, Let's Just Have a Beer and Tone it Down a Notch as president, if HE can't get us to chill out, no one can and it'll only be a matter of time before there's full-blown civil war.

There I go sensationalizing. That rant could well land me a job in the Mainstream Media. I'm sorry, I just care about my country's ability to have civil debates, and I fear for it. I'm gonna go turn on Glenn Beck and cry with him.

EXODUS REDUX

The world is ending! The oceans run black with oil, there’s flooding everywhere, hurricanes, melting ice, rising temperatures, widespread war. Clearly, this a repeat of Exodus, the Ten Plagues of Egypt. The Lord is raining down terror upon us, but why? Falwell and Robertson have already tried to blame the gays, or any lack of Christian morality, that’s played out. Let’s be creative. Why is God angry at America?


Marijuana is illegal:

Old cheap beers dying out:

Crackdowns on illegal immigration:

Not telling Christian zealots when they’ve gone too far:

Any other ideas?

DEAR OBAMA: Letter from America

To: President Barack “Big O” Obama
Cc: Uncle Sam, Joe “Big Mouth” Biden,
The Waco Kid, Goofers McWaxalot

Greetings. It’s the America Public. We are really tired and frustrated and pissed off. The economy’s in the shitter. There aren’t even jobs for immigrants to take from us. We’re at war in two places…right? We’ve stopped caring about that, but it still kinda sucks.

You spent a ton of money changing our health care system. We don’t really know how that’s gonna work out. You got those Wall Street laws going into place, we guess that’s good. But now we got that unstoppable oil spill, and it is making you look bad. It’s not your fault, we know, but we have to blame someone. We could blame BP, and we kinda do, but we don’t really know them. Turns out they’re British and we’re tired of blaming foreigners for stuff. We need to blame someone right here in America. You’re in charge, we gotta blame you. Don’t take it personally. We even found shit to unfairly blame on Bush.

Most of all, the economy’s doing badly and we need help. Health care and financial reform may help in the future, but we need something right now. But, not another Stimulus. We don’t like that. That cost a lot of money and didn’t really affect us directly. In fact, no more government programs. The Republicans keep saying the government makes things worse and we’re inclined to agree. But you still need to do something, so…you’re gonna have to help us without expanding government.

How ‘bout tax cuts? We like those. Except you can’t cut our programs, we like those, too. And you can't increase the debt. That’s bad too. So, you’re going to have to find Fat somewhere in the budget to cut. There must some kind of pork project you can cut that’s expensive and unnecessary. Not from my state, though. My state’s programs our crucial. You can’t cut them. Cut something from West Virginia, no one likes them.

If you could cast a magic spell on Small Businesses, that might be good. If this is too much to ask, we’ll vote Copperfield Blaine in 2012 cuz they have already promised to do this. Or maybe get the Pope to go on tour blessing all Small Businesses. At the very least, say you did something to help small businesses. That would make us happy.

Maybe this is all impossible. You better hope not, cuz we want it. And if you don’t get it, we’ll vote for someone who promises it to us. Again, this isn’t your fault, it’s just tough shit. Don’t take it personally. We re-elected W. And Nixon. Nixon! We HATED the bastard and still re-elected him.

So, at least we’re consistent about what we want, even if what we want is full of inconsistencies. Sorry, we don’t care. Honestly, try scraping to survive and then worrying about consistency at the end of the day.

You signed on for this, Mr. President. Think of something. You went to Harvard, you’re a lawyer. You’re smart. You organized on the South Side of Chicago, so you have experience working in Total Economic Clusterfucks. Figure this out. We like you. We don’t want to elect another asshole, but we will.

Laters, Big O. You’re the Best!

John Q. Public and Co.

P.S. If you can find any way to blame this on Biden, do it!

The More Things Change

Have you heard what the GOP is saying about ObamaCare?

Via Dana Milbank

"This is the largest tax bill in history," the Republican leader fumed. The reform "is unjust, unworkable, stupidly drafted and wastefully financed."

And that wasn't all. This "cruel hoax," he said, this "folly" of "bungling and waste," compared poorly to the "much less expensive" and "practical measures" favored by the Republicans.

"We must repeal," the GOP leader argued. "The Republican Party is pledged to do this."

Wait, no that was about Social Security in the 1930s.

If we pass this, "one of these days, you and I are going to spend our sunset years telling our children, and our children's children, what it once was like in America when men were free."

Wait, no that was Ronald Reagan talking about Medicare.

Here’s what they’re saying about the Immigration.

We have in the United States today hardcore, indigestible blocs which have not become integrated into the American way of life, but which, on the contrary are its deadly enemies. Today, as never before, untold millions are storming our gates for admission and those gates are cracking under the strain. The solution of the problems of [Mexico] will not come through a transplanting of those problems en masse to the United States.

No, I’m sorry, actually that was Senator Pat McCarran talking about Eastern European immigrants.

All I’m saying is Republicans need some new material. Or, if they are correct, and Big Government and Immigrants are destroying America, at least be consistent and say this has been happening for 70 years, with FDR’s Social Security and Truman’s veto of the McCarran Act, and LBJ’s Medicare. Either way, Obama has not orchestrated a sudden Socialist takeover.

T.E.A. Party like it’s 1799

Thursday was Tax Day, the day when we are all TEA partiers. But Friday I went back to thinking the tea partiers are crazy. Why?

They are the hippies of our time, except they are Right Wing hippies.

They are a Silent Majority that is neither silent nor a majority.

It stands for Taxed Enough Already. They must have come here in a DeLorean.

Back in the good ol' days, Ronald Reagan would never have raised taxes, right?

If taxes are too high for you here, move to a country with lower taxes. For lower personal and corporate taxes, your choices are Iceland, Australia, Ireland, New Zealand, Mexico, Korea, or a third-world country. I’m guessing you want to avoid learning a new language and you’re looking for somewhere sunny like Cost Rica, that narrows it down to Australia. Bon voyage, mate!

These people believe health care reform that lacks even a Public Option is a “government takeover.” If they have a problem with it, they should move with Rush Limbaugh to Costa Rica, where they can see what a government takeover of health care really looks like.

These people decided to show their concern about sky-rocketing spending and deficits after George W. Bush left office. Probably because the new president happens to be a Democrat, or maybe because he is black or has a funny name like Barack Obama, but for some reason, they suddenly decided their country was falling apart. I never thought I’d say this, but give Lou Dobbs credit. He was harassing Bush on these issues as well, so at least he is consistent.

Why don’t you write a letter to the editor stating exactly why Obama’s policies will be ineffective, rather than drawing Hitler mustaches on him or praying that the Ghost of Reagan will smite him?

It’s fine to criticize the president. I could write an entire post about things he has done wrong (I just haven't thought of a way to make it funny, and my posts have been humorless enough lately). But you have two choices, Tea Party.

Option A: Stop being ridiculously nostalgic about the past. The time’s they are a-changin’ so too bad. Whether you’re upset that the president has a funny name, or that he’s black, or simply that he’s changing things, get over it. 53% of the country voted for a president who said “Change” more than Giuliani said 9/11. You can say individual changes are bad, but you seem to be simply against Change. The whole Tea Party image is about romanticizing the past. You think you’re all little Paul Reveres, saving the country from King George (you missed your chance, that was the last president). Don’t tell me what the Founding Fathers would do. Like they would understand the internet or al Qaeda or derivatives. Don’t tell me what Reagan would do (you already guessed Never Raise Taxes and you got that wrong, folks, thanks for playing). Stop living in the past (one that you remember inaccurately). Let it go.

Option B: Get back in your DeLorean and travel back to the past. Say hi to the Gipper for me!

We Live in a Moment that Doesn’t Exist

Welcome to the J.J. Abrams presidency. That insane ‘08 campaign was only the beginning. Does anyone know what is going on? The nation’s fate is utterly uncertain, like the folks running around on that island. Obama exudes a feeling of wonder, a sense that he could save the day at any second but strings you along like mid-season episodes of Lost.

The ambiguous tension, wandering, yelling, and constant twists yield no real game changes. No sense of resolution. (Health care reform passed, but doesn’t take effect for years, and the GOP is vowing to Repeal and Replace it.) Now we seem to have traveled back in time to 1994 (GOP poised to take back congress). The Others are running around swearing the end is near if we don’t change course (angry mobs and TEA Partiers).

So what now? The only way to top all this insanity would be a tie in 2012 presidential election…which would be a disaster. Imagine the 2000 Election mess, but amidst a gigantic recession. Imagine those Florida mobs, but the size of TEA Party mobs: Democrats being accused of a Nazi Socialist takeover, Republicans being called racists of a second confederacy. The entire country would start coming apart at the seams and descend into a civil war. Man, this always happens when elect skinny Illinois lawyers to the presidency!

Plus, we should note that congress decides a tie. So a Democratic congress would pick Obama. But if the GOP takes over congress, they could Repeal and Replace him with their candidate, who we’ll call Mitt McPalin Huckalenty, from Grand Old Tea Party Ticket. Madness…

Still, there are countless other possibilities, which brings me to the point of this meandering post. We live a moment that doesn’t exist. Day after day, America toils aimless through a 24-hour news cycle of hopeless absurdity. Democratic and Republican favorability shoots up and down in the polls like the stock market, while snake oil salesmen try desperately to make sense of it all and sell the story to you, usually hyper-analyzing fleeting fads and trends until something important (or at least scandalous) comes up.


None of it matters. An entire year of angry mobs berating congressmen about hypothetical health care bills felt like an eternity, but it will all be a footnote in history. And the public sees each footnote documented in detail on cable news and the internet. As we are flooded with information, we depend on the Mainstream Media to filter it for us, but they’re the ones saturating our brains with distractions and disinformation. Year and year, emotions build daily as partisan anchors educate their side on every piece of dirt they have on the other side, and non-partisan anchors stand back spinelessly, eager to split the difference. Viewers are then turned loose to have ill-informed debates with each other, or to cast ill-informed votes.

The point is that emotions are running high over things that hardly matter or are hardly understood. We are extremely informed yet essentially ignorant. I don’t know what the solution is. All I can say is take a deep breath and remember that, much like Lost, most of this madness is a mere interlude before we find out what really happens. The signing of the health care bill may turn out to be landmark event, but most of the time we live in a moment that doesn’t exist.

The Prayerbook, Reinvented

A Different kind of review of the iPad

The iPad is to technology what the prayerbook is to religion. It may not be the entire bible but it sure does quote it, and includes quite a few original verses as well. Can religion exist without prayerbooks? Absolutely. Is it better off because of them? Many would argue yes. Apple is occasionally viewed as a religion or a cult due to the zealous nature of its fans and its us or nothing approach to its ecosystem. However, you don't have to be a Catholic to appreciate the prayerbook they've created and you may even find something in it for you that you didn't expect.

Most reviews of the iPad all go the same way. It's an amazing piece of technology and engineering but it doesn't do Flash, has no USB ports and is basically a large iPod touch. They might spend time telling you that it has an Apple branded A4 processor and has 512 Megs of RAM. You may then, as others have, compare it to a computer you own and say that you'd never buy the iPad because 512 Megs of RAM isn't enough to do the things you do with a computer. I admit, I first thought back to my old IBM Thinkpad 600e with a 400 Meg PII and 512 megs of RAM from 1998 when I heard the specs. The hardest thing for technical people to do in this day and age is separate the specs from the actual experience.

For the past twenty-five years or so, we have used specs of this nature to define the computing experience. I personally remember when we made the switch from measuring processor speed from MHz to GHz. It meant we were going to enter a new age of computing performance. Everything is going to run lightning fast and we will have as many programs as we want up at once. But something rather interesting occurred. We realized that most of the things we did on the computer didn't change at all. Word processing, web browsing, IM didn't appear to run any faster and we stopped caring that it could run more apps at once because we already had the six or so ones we cared about open.

Then came the evolution of the display. Displays started to become much larger and resolutions became much greater. We noticed this, cause we could now see two documents on the screen, side by side. Aspect ratios changed from 4:3 to 16:9. But again, the experience remained static.

You simply can't compare the experience of using the iPad to other computers you've used before. You might then say, it uses the iPhone OS and I've used an iPhone before so it's the same thing except larger. This too is simply untrue. Perhaps my favorite, are the talking heads who state, never having used the device mind you, that while the device may be good at consuming content, it's terrible at creating it. We will deal with that one a bit later. Now that we've mentioned the common fallacies, what makes the iPad different? Why should I care? To get to the root of what makes the iPad a game changer, we have to start with the word I.

The iPad is a deeply personal experience. It is easily tailored to your needs and desires. Despite what people say about all the apps and the iWork suite, the iPad will be defined by what you decide to do with it. Yes, it is an ebook reader and an iPod and a word processor. However, like the preverbal tree in the woods, if you don't set it up that way, no one will hear it. In the end, it is very much like a computer in this regard.

Going back to the specs for a moment, the one stat that certainly matters is the battery life. Apple rated it at ten hours. I used my iPad nonstop for almost fourteen hours and still, had twenty-two percent left. You will easily be able to get a few real days of use out of it on a single change. A quick note on speed. Despite the specs mentioned earlier, the iPad is lightning fast. It performs all tasks with ease and never feels "bogged down" as computers sometimes feel. The other big knock is on multitasking. This unfortunately is rather true to an extent. You can have email fetching and music playing while performing any other task. In fact I have Bon Jovi blaring as I write this. However it would be nice to have IM running in the background while doing something different or streaming music while reading a magazine.

One minor issue with the word processor. There is no tab button on the keyboard. You need to turn the iPad vertically and pull tab out of a menu. It is surprisingly annoying. This issue can be mitigated with any Bluetooth keyboard. In general there are good work arounds for most issues and the issues it has can all be addressed later with software updates.

Almost ten years ago when wifi was becoming available to the general public, I boldly predicted that computers were going to be moving away from self contained modules and would become thin clients. This has basically come true. Our content is now stored in the "cloud" and we can now access it from multiple devices from anywhere. The iPad isn't the first device to do this but is the first device to take on the traditional PC. To address the content creation issue, this entire review was written on the iPad's virtual keyboard at roughly the same pace as a normal one. There are also apps that mimic a piano or give you an entire sketchbook. One last thing, the iPad can actually be used as a prayerbook and it may surprise you to learn that the most popular type of app in the store continues to be the Bible.

-Lance Murdock

OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE ULTIMATUM

President Obama has been demanding action on health care from a gridlocked congress. Today, he made a final ultimatum to those blocking his health care bill. PMW received this statement from the administration.

My fellow Americans, the time for partisanship and stalling tactics has long passed. It is time to pass this bill. It is time to serve the people. I have urged congress to act, but they have failed to do so. This will be the most important bill I will sign into law as president. If I cannot get this bill through while my party overwhelmingly controls both the House and the Senate, I do not see how I will accomplish anything as president. At that point, I might as well walk away.

That’s right, America. If congress does not pass health care reform THIS MONTH, I will resign as president of the United States. I quit. Why continue this charade?

Now, you all know what this means. If I quit, Biden is president. How do you like them apples? So, anyone who doesn’t want Joe Biden running this country had better call their representatives and demand that they vote for my health care bill.

It’s your choice, America. I’ve seen the poll numbers. I know you like me better than Joe. I know he scares you. What if he says some stupid shit to a nuclear power? Boom! One gaffe leaves America glowing with radiation for hundreds of years. He’ll take us on the next Amtrak train straight to hell.

Your call, folks. Health care for America now or President Biden for America now.

LET DOWN WITH REVEREND OLBERMANN

Good evening and welcome to Countdown. I’m Keith Olbermann. I am liberal and proud of it. I am also intelligent and well-educated, and slightly too proud of that. My first guest is a fellow intelligent liberal and we shall discuss how right we are about an issue and how wrong the Republicans are. There will be some real news, but we shall try to limit that.

Next, we shall discuss celebrity tabloid news. Hopefully, we will cover Paris Hilton tonight, as she is an easy person of which to make fun. This is beneath me, but it ensures higher ratings so that I can maintain this sweet gig. Now, back to the real news.

Coming up next: I am going to announce which right-wing asshole is currently enraging me the most. Could it be Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly? I could report on more real news, but admit it: it is so very fun to watch me roast these assholes. Also, you will not want to miss my Special Comment. Will I remain calm and make some good points? Or will I go on a ridiculous tirade and end up as fodder for the Daily Show? Find out later.

We’re back. I pick Bill O’LIE-ly from Fox Boos as today's biggest asshole, for the 687th time. I hope I have convinced you that he is a jerk.

Our top story tonight: Political Mouthwash blogger The Waco Kid, famed for his bad puns and low readership, has been referring to me as Reverend Olbermann, because my show is “little more than self-indulgent preaching to the liberal choir.” He offered me faux praise, saying my show “sucks less than most news shows.” I figured I would read that on my show so that more than two people might actually hear about it. I am quite pleased with that insult, lest you cannot tell from my smug grin.

That’s Countdown, on this, the 2,519th day since the “liberal” Mainstream Media actually let an openly liberal anchor have his own show. To all those searching for high quality news: good night and good luck.

Thrillabuster II: Land of the Dead

How do you kill something that is already dead? Our nation's politics have turned into a zombie movie (but not because the GOP lumbers around mumbling the same thing and attacking Dems, while the Dems flee helplessly). Congress is haunted by a superzombie. I tell you, the filibuster is dead, and yet is undead, as in WILL NOT DIE. Observe:

The filibuster was originally created in the nineteenth century to allow a senator to say his peace as long as he wanted (Senators can do basically whatever they want, whereas members of the House have to clean the bathrooms themselves). Over time, they made a rule that 67 Senators could close debate on issue and force a vote (aka CLOTURE), and then 60. But the idea was, it was an emergency barrier to one-in-a-blue-moon, dangerous policy.

This really was a non-issue until the Democrats decided that most of W's judicial nominations were nut-jobs and tried to filibuster them. The GOP reacted strongly saying they were shocked--SHOCKED--to see the Democrats abuse a beloved Senate tradition. When the Dems took back congress and the White House, the GOP, ever the model of consistency, proceeded to vote against cloture on every major issue they voted against.

Example: Health Care

You would expect votes on health care to follow party lines, with moderates feeling torn. You'd assume that some might decide to vote against it without seeing the need to play the filibuster card. And you would be wrong. The Senate Dems got everyone to vote for health care (even the Benator and Joementum, after buying them off). The GOP got everyone, even the Moderate Maine Maidens (who voted for the stimulus) and Chuck Grassley (Max Baucus's bromantic hetero life-mate) to vote for it. Not only did these people vote against it, they all voted against cloture. They went from, "maybe I could vote for this" to "I'm taking desperate measures to stop this."

The GOP has shown it will use emergency measures to block every bill it opposes. So everything the Democrats do is an emergency. But that means emergencies don't really exist anymore (like moderate Senate Republicans). The filibuster, as an emergency brake for legislation, is no more. What's left is an old rule that has strangely mutated into a requirement that only 60 votes can pass a bill (that...or a pair of testicles). The filibuster is dead, and yet must be killed. It is terrorizing the Senate, scaring the hell of out Democrats.

Will Baucus and Grassley’s bromance fall apart? Can the Mormon Mime find the courage to speak out and lead the Senate (or lose reelection in November)? Will Big O finally live up to the hype (or simply end up delivering the greatest concession speech in history)? Tune in next time on WTF is Wrong with our Country?

Thrillabuster! GOP Gains 41 Percent Majority

On Tuesday, the Republicans gained their coveted 41st seat to attain the plurality they were searching for. Facing a divided Democratic party (some fire-breathing liberals, some cowering liberals, a few Blue Dogs), the Republican obstructionist coalition now holds the most votes. This is a huge blow to President Obama, who is watching the bill he has vigorously defended with speeches and soundbytes slip away.

America has spoken and they have demanded that the Democrats adopt a more bi-partisan approach. This means they must move beyond compromise to discover a new way forward. This could include letting the Republicans write all legislation, yielding all debate time to the GOP, or even filibusters where the Democrats stand up and apologize for all the bad bills they have passed.

“We are so sorry,” said Sen. Max Baucus, a major player in the health care debate. “If we had known you would break our filibuster-proof majority, we would have taken health care off the table long ago.”

“The people of Massachusetts should be ashamed of themselves,” yelled Speaker Pelosi. "Their pathetic stupidity has destroyed our 60-vote crutch and all hope that we would enact any part of our agenda. Now we have to wait until we regain our supermajority before we can pass any bill."

“I really don’t care,” remarked fatalistic Super-Minority Leader Harry Reid. “I may lose my seat, too. At this point, a dark-skinned African American with a negro dialect could probably beat me.”

Farewell Dreary Oh’s: PMW Prediction Check

Thank God this last decade is over. The 2000s, the Ohs, the Aughts, the Naughties, the Zeroes, whatever you call it. I call it the Dreary Oh’s. I say bring on the Teens (not like that, sicko). So, here are some predictions for the next decade, but first, let’s take a look back on predictions from this blog, in honor of its Two-Year Wash-iversary. You know how annoying it is when a TV show does a “clip show.” This is like that, except no one’s getting paid (Buy merchandise please!) Let’s call it a Link Show. Here we go:

Correct predictions:
Obama wins primary and general.

Huckabee gets fat, Edwards has love child: I correctly predicted both these facts in a post on January 12, 2008.


Springsteen endorsement seals McCain’s fate: Unsubstantiated but trust me! Way to go Goofers.

Rise of the Tea Parties: I think this is the Libertarian Revolution I predicted.

McCain picks Palin: I called it…sort of.

Wrong Predictions:
Writer’s Strike Forces Good Shows Off Air: So many awesome shows on TV right now. But what the HELL is up with cancelling Conan? NBC is batshit insane.

Hillary Clinton contracts cholera: A genuine threat, but it didn't happen.

Obama picks me as his VP: Would have been a good idea though…

Obama Taps Doc Brown: Would have been a good idea though...

Howard Dean influencing primaries/getting HHS post (although he now works for CNBC and was prominent in the health care debate)

Frequent promises to increase posting on this blog…Hey, sorry…

Future Ones:
ObamaCare passes, but Cap’n Trade gets put out to sea and Immigration Bill gets deported.

Biden will make 2,010 gaffes in 2010.

Sarah Palin joins Fox News, calls Democrats unpatriotic, immoral Socialists. She will run for the GOP nomination and eventually lose badly. She’ll call the GOP sexist, and run as an independent.

Romney will run too, but everyone will have forgotten who he is. He’ll try to harness anti-ObamaCare sentiment but will drop out when he can’t explain how it’s different from RomneyCare.

The GOP wins a few Senate seats in 2010. Obama’s political stressors build up and seep into his personal life. He starts smoking again and has an affair with Hillary. It causes an uproar, but unites the liberal base and ultimately leads to his reelection.

99 PROBLEMS BUT HEALTH CARE REFORM AIN’T ONE

PMW received the following statement from Barack Obama, entitled Verse 2:

(See Verse 1 here)














The year is ’09 and our health care’s flawed
On the Senator floor is a bill from Senator Dodd
Congress has two choices, they can give up or
Bounce to the bill, put the bill on the floor
Now I know that this is a really tough case
It’ll cost a few dollars but will cut much waste
So, I pull over on Capitol Hill
I hear “Obama, do you know why we’re opposin this bill?”
Cuz, you think I’m a Socialist, Elitist still?
You think that the country doesn’t have the will?
You think I’m gonna mess up just like Bill?
"Well you forgettin' that there's no bill that we can't kill
Take out the public option or we’ll filibuster
We opposin’ this bill with all the strength we can muster”
Fine, take it out and leave everything else in.
And it looks like we can buy off Senator Nelson.
“Well aren't you clever, looks like you got even.
You’re crafty like a lawyer, but is this change we can believe in?”
I did pass the bar and I know a little bit
I know that congress is gonna pass this shit
“Well, we’ll see how smart you are when the immigration bill comes”
I got 99 problems but health care ain’t one
Hit me!