Obama vs. Dobson: Standoff of Biblical Proportions

Last week, James Dobson (leader of the most conservative Christians) and Barack Obama (leader of the least stupid Democrats) have been sniping at each other over the Bible. Obama suggested that some issues not central to the Christian Right’s talking points are crucial to the Bible’s message. Dobson said Obama’s an idiot with “fruitcake” ideas, marking the first time in 50 years that someone used the term “fruitcake” in a serious conservation.

The Bible is not some open book with multiple interpretations. There is only one and James Dobson knows what it is. Everyone knows the Bible is against gay people, abortion, divorce, premarital sex, and you know…all the other stuff…and that’s pretty much it. Obama tries to act like hunger and poverty should be key issues, but they don’t really come up in the Bible (except in Luke 1:53, Isaiah 58:10, Luke 18:22, James 2:15-17, Mark 10:25, Exodus 23:6, and Job 29:12, but I’m sure that’s it).

Clearly, Obama did not read or misread the part about how it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. The point is: they still make it to heaven because rich people can do anything! You can’t stop them! So clearly, it’s a metaphor for achieving the impossible and a challenge to the poor. That’s the meaning of the story. Let there be no other interpretations.

In other news, The Waco Kid is celebrating his birthday this week. (A week is necessary to give people more time to be included in the ceremonies). For those unable to attend, he still appreciates their birthday wishes, but hopes they have a good excuse for missing out on the fun.

A Serious Note: R.I.P. George Carlin

Most of our posts here at PMW are light-hearted and tough-in-cheek, but today I post on a completely serious subject. This Sunday, George Carlin passed away at 71. He was a funny man whose humor I admired and whom I quoted on this site. George lampooned political correctness, which we like to do on the site (hopefully 1/10th as well as he did). Rest in peace, George. You were a king among men.

The Waco Kid and PMW Staff

PROFILES OF REAL ISSUES: Gas Prices

Gas has now finally reached unbelievable heights. Prices have risen to a national average of 3 beers per gallon (so thankfully, those who drink and drive can no longer have their cake and eat it too). However, people are reacting in terrible ways. Some car companies have actually started paying for people’s gas. That’s like drug dealers “comping” your drugs till you can afford to buy them again, in order to keep you addicted. PMW recognizes the importance of this issue and interviewed the public for more information.

Sarah Saddler, student at Sunny Heights Private School, Irvine, CA:
We need public transportation. Cars are destroying the Earth. I have to go. My mom is driving me to school. No I don’t take the bus. I am not a peasant!

Ross Schwartz, farmer from somewhere in the Okanogan region of Washington State:

Lots of people are moving closer to businesses, but I live in an isolated, agricultural region, so I don’t have that option. Seeing that gas has risen to 3 beers a gallon, I just spend the money on beer. It distracts me from how much my life sucks more than McCain’s gas tax holiday would have. Also, I get the hangover, not the planet. I wish I had as much hope as my Milwaukee’s Best has taste.

McCain’s chief economic advisor could not be reached for comment because he is in Massachusetts waiting for McCain to offer him the VP spot

Milton Reynolds from Albany, NY:

The rising gas prices are great because they punish people for being lazy. Either work hard and make enough money for gas or take the subway with the commoners. It’s social Darwinism. My car gets 20 miles to the gallon (highway) and I can afford to fill the whole tank every week. I hope they get higher than Europe’s prices and the lazy liberals can all move to Europe, which they always threaten to do anyway!

PMW - NEWS FLASH!

For all of our readers who watch ABC's LOST and follow'd the 2008 Democratic Nomination (you're probably confused about which is a bigger waste of time.)

As we've alluded in the past, both are/were fairly pointless. I hope we can bring those two worlds of failure and mediocrity together in order to make your life a bit more enjoyable.

http://thisismydestiny.ytmnd.com/

ENJOY :)

Goofers McWaxalot & PMW Staff

(P.S. As a side note - my next post will most likely concern socially retarded man-children who watch star trek and follow politics too closely. If this stereotype in any way applies to you have fun playing scrabble with mom on friday night and never getting laid EVER.)

Hail, Barack, the Wicked Witch is Dead!

On Saturday, the Obamaniacs (or whatever the press is calling them now) and Republican Party found themselves strangely sharing in a joyous moment. Hillary was going to drop out and endorse Obama. The stake has finally gone through her heart. The death march ends!

Everyone was wondering why she decided to make a non-concession speech Tuesday and then later announced Saturday’s speech because if you’re looking to shed a spiteful, scheming, self-centered image, a delayed endorsement is not the best way to accomplish that goal. But I digress. Hillary scheduled her speech for Saturday morning and the news networks offered full coverage with their anchors for all the political nerds who were willing to wake up on Saturday morning to watch a concession speech. I covered it for PMW, but it turns out I learned nothing interesting (except that I am apparently one of the political nerds; the bastards tricked me!).

She was half an hour late to her speech and I started to get extremely nervous. Oh my God, she’s not gonna do it! Oh no! I knew the Democrats would never pick someone I endorsed. They never listen to me. Is she getting cold feet? What is this?

Well, finally, she got there (and it looked like reporters were staking out her house and following her to the event, I don’t know, but hopefully The Daily Show will look deeper into that). Then she proceeded to speak for six minutes about how awesome she was and how her supporters love her so much and this girl decided to go campaign for Hillary in Pennsylvania instead of going to Disneyland (NERD ALERT!) and a bunch of touching stories about the Great Hillary Clinton.

Then she started talking about Obama and how the Democrats need to elect him. I can’t say she looked natural doing it, but she made a serious case with good arguments. She said “Yes, We Can,” talked about how bad Bush has been, and how the screwed the Democrats are if they lose this year. She didn’t seem happy, but she did seem to mean what she said (which is rare for her).

The question now is whether Hillary supporters will flock to Obama in the general election. According to polls, many of them won’t, but polls also indicated that Kerry would beat Bush in 2004, Obama would easily win the New Hampshire Primary and that Titanic was a great movie. So decide for yourself if this poll means anything at all.

In conclusion Political Mouthwash forgives Hillary Clinton for all the stupid things she did (and thanks her for giving us lots of material to work with). However, if McBush beats Obama, we still reserve the right to blame her.

DON’T CALL IT A COMEBARACK

Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Barack Obama is the Democrats’ nominee for president. This is a historic moment, as he is the first black nominee of a majority party. But what’s more historic is that the Democrats actually seem to almost, kind of, sort of know what they’re doing right now. Not since JFK have the Democrats picked someone who appears to be both capable and marketable. Obama has succeeded in these primaries, defeating a key member of the party establishment despite many obstacles. Obama has claimed the nomination and Hillary will drop out and endorse him.

Now, the question is: who will be his VP? (Please not Hillary, please not Hillary, please not Hillary!) I encourage readers to post suggestions for whom he could add to the ticket, serious or funny. Here are some obvious choices:

Obama Edwards, the ultimate change ticket?

Obama Webb, military credentials anyone?

Obama Richardson, foreign policy credentials? (And let’s face it, we could use some facial on hair on the ticket)

Obama Sebelius, female representation (without the baggage and zero appeal to Independents)

WTF NEWS: Rachael Ray called a Terrorist???

It’s just a Dunkin Donuts commercial. It’s just a scarf. What problem could Michelle Malkin possibly have with it? Apparently, it’s a terrorist scarf! Riiiiiiiiiight. Malkin is just jealous because Rachael Ray indulges in a donut every once in awhile and cooks herself good food, which gives her that voluptuous figure, while Malkin is a shriveled, anorexic failure (I rarely stoop so low, but I'm sorry, this time it's necessary, just this once).

Now, as I’ve said before, I live in Chicago. This may blow over in other places, but not here. First of all, Chicagoans love their Dunkin Donuts over here. No Starbucks for them, thank you very much (they don’t know anything about coffee, but that’s okay). Even messing with a commercial for Dunkin Donuts puts her on Chicago’s Shit List. Malkin better stay out of the Windy City (also the winds would blow her away). Speaking of which, Chicagoans don’t care for skinny people either. This is not L.A. We have 2 Dunkin Donuts, an ice cream shop, and five steakhouses for every gym. Not too mention how liberal Chicago is. When some skinny conservative gets in the way of a buxom cook selling donuts, Mayor Daley gets ready to pardon anyone that assaults her. So, stay outta Chicago, Malkin. Stay out of our donut-eating terrorist-scarf community!