WALL STREET CRISIS: Rich people forced to care about recession

Amidst all this economic turmoil, congress is now fervently debating the best way to bail out all these corporations. Some of them, like Lehman Brothers, apparently are not that important and can be forced to suffer for their stupidity. However, others, like AIG, are vital to our economy and must be saved. The fate of all working people depends on the survival of a corporation. (Hey, Bush can’t be wrong every time!)

I interviewed different politicians to hear their ideas about this crisis.

Sarah Palin: The hard working people of America are now the victims of a terrible crime: Greed. Greed on Wall Street has taken advantage of the people and we will offer all the help we can. I propose a special kit for all those who got screwed by a corporation. Unfortunately, it’s crucial that they pay for their own kits.

Joe Biden: John McCain is trying to blame this on the Democrats! He must think the voters are complete idiots! Come on, people! Wake up!

Barack Obama: I will the bring the change we need to Washington. I will change our policies and fight for working families. Specifics? Well, I’ll put end to the generally excessive de-regulation and enact policies which involve a sensible amount of regulation. Yes, I know, that’s vague, but the voters will choose vague over obviously wrong. The voters know McCain knows nothing about the economy. How? Because he told them explicitly. I’m sorry, what does true-shay mean? Oh…that’s funny I guess. No, I never vetted you, you’d have gotten a call. Look, I have to go, Waco.

John McCain: My friend, you have to remember, when I was a P.O.W. in Vietnam, I didn’t have a financial crisis. I didn’t have a bank, stocks, insurance. All I had was my patriotism, my faith in God, and my maverick sensibilities. I’m sorry what did you say? Two of three what now? Look, Waco, I’m not a numbers guy, but I made it out of Vietnam, so we can make it through this crisis.

Hillary Clinton: I’m exhausted and pissed off. Leave me alone. I’ve told you people a thousand times the solution is to elect Barack Obama. I’m not voting for McCain, even with the Moose Huntress as his VP. What am I, stupid?

Ted Stevens was in court and could not be reached for comment, but we imagine he would have yelled at us.

George W. Bush: Congress needs to pass this legislation now! Our economy must remain strong. If congress does not pass legislation this instant, I will continue to make empty threats. This is bullshit, no one even listens to me anymore. I should make Dick finish out my term.

Bob Barr and Ralph Nader (Joint Statement): This financial crisis is just another example of how both parties are failures. And the media has failed us, too. Bush is getting more attention than both of us combined.

PMW Poll: Who do you trust most to handle the economy?

David Palmer: 30%
Matthew Santos: 30%
Barack Obama: 25%
John McCain: 12%
Barr or Nader: 2%
Ron Paul: 1%**

**?????