If you missed the debate, SPOILER: nothing happened all night. Obama scored some underwhelming, inevitable hits on Iraq. McCain scolded Obama as a naïve novice. Ultimately, it was not the “game changer,” the press was looking for. It actually got pretty boring after awhile. (But it was better than Gipped Us and Snuffleupagus harping on William Ayers and they didn't ask about McCain's houses)
Luckily, CNN – HD was there to entertain me. A panel of CNN correspondents was there to rate the candidates in real time alongside an audience tracker that had different colored moving lines that engaged viewers as shiny keys entertain a baby or small animal. CNN’s panel was perfectly balanced, with 2 Democratic hacks, 2 GOP hacks, and 2 non-partisan staffers sworn against taking sides.
CNN is clearly on a mission to become the No Bias No Bull Network, the independent alternative to Fox Noise and MS Now Bashing Conservatives. Most anchors convey as little emotion as possible (none better than Robotic Boob Wolf Blitzer) with the exception of personality-driven Lou Dobbs, with his Independent’s Convention (because let’s face it, both parties are failing this country when it comes to bashing immigrants).
Luckily, CNN – HD was there to entertain me. A panel of CNN correspondents was there to rate the candidates in real time alongside an audience tracker that had different colored moving lines that engaged viewers as shiny keys entertain a baby or small animal. CNN’s panel was perfectly balanced, with 2 Democratic hacks, 2 GOP hacks, and 2 non-partisan staffers sworn against taking sides.CNN is clearly on a mission to become the No Bias No Bull Network, the independent alternative to Fox Noise and MS Now Bashing Conservatives. Most anchors convey as little emotion as possible (none better than Robotic Boob Wolf Blitzer) with the exception of personality-driven Lou Dobbs, with his Independent’s Convention (because let’s face it, both parties are failing this country when it comes to bashing immigrants).
CNN Debate Scoring Panel, Formerly The Best Political News Team of All Time
Paul Begala: Democratic Hack, Clintonista, Crossfire Host (got owned by Jon Stewart)
Donna Brazile: Democratic Strategist. A smart woman, but she ran Al Gore’s presidential campaign, so she is a hack by default.
Alex Castellanos: Former Romney advisor, clearly he’s still on Romney’s payroll and Romney paid him $100 every time he marked his scorecard (he gave McCain a point while he and Obama were taking the stage!?!)
Bill Bennett: Republican Strategist. He gave McCain a victory on points halfway through and then stopped scoring. Most likely, he got bored and went out for a second dinner (actually, not a bad choice).
Gloria Borger: CNN No Bias No Bull Representative, said Obama won on points. She hilariously refrained from marking any points for the first 30 minutes of the debate, by far the most entertaining part of the night.
John King: CNN No Bias No Bull Rep, Respected and Distinguished MSM Correspondent (1 of 5 nationwide). I was waiting for him come out with his Giant Google Map and show us which counties thought Obama won the debate.
I have nothing to report on post-debate spin because my friends and I drank every time Castellanos marked his scorecard. I don’t remember anything after the debate except that Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade holds up surprisingly well on a second viewing. Commenters, feel free to elaborate on this (the post-debate coverage or Indiana Jones).
6 comments:
Castellanos is my arch-nemesis. I was sicker that night than when I drank a glass of Klauthzven with Worf at Ten-Forward.
--LeVar
Seriously, you and Worf really throw down.
History dictates that the debates were a time of great change in your electoral process. However after some one named after a bird, Dan Quale I believe, they simply never packed the same punch as they used to. We have a similar version of this person in the future. We call him Levar Burton. He may not be named after a bird, but he certainly does act like it at times. This CNN you speak of also becomes the Federation News Service in the year 2208 (which was a very good year for wine as it turns out). I would highly recommend it... well in a few hundred years or so. That is all.
Riker, if I may: 2208 was not a good vintage in certain parts of the galaxy. I submit as evidence the '08 Meritage from the Ketha lowlands I sampled on a diplomatic mission to Qo'noS in 2371. It had been in subspace storage for 163 years, but Worf assured me that wouldn't affect its quality.
Perhaps he was mistaken.
LeVar
You were drunk on that mission? I should have known. It is time to restrict you back to your hole in Engineering. No more drinking with the Klingons on away missions. Also never question my taste in wine in public again. Insubordination is not good with the ladies and you need all the help you can get. Just look at Sarah Palin and her continued insistence that John McCain is a maverick. She is loosing ladies votes left and right. If she just allows them to choose, she will get the ladies back. That is all.
Are you questioning the amount of liquor I can hold? Perhaps you could, as Waco Kid so eloquently put it, "throw down" with Worf at Ten Forward some time. Oh, wait, you're too busy drinking wine coolers with Troy.
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