Math: The Solution to the Stimulus

I am the first to admit that math is not the first place I generally look for solutions to pretty much anything let alone giant economic boondoggles. When you start actually adding stuff my eyes get glossy and I just see Barney (the purple dinosaur) singing 2+2=4 over and over again. However, it is very hard to refute basic math.

Currently Congress is debating whether or not to pass an 800 Billion dollar stimulus package. Just to be clear that is the following number:

$800,000,000,000

Currently there are roughly 280 million people in the United States. That is the following number:

280,000,000

Now, unless I have the disease called Inacalculium (the inability to perform arithmetic functions) and my calculator is broken (must be from China), we have the ability to give the following amount of money DIRECTLY to each person living in the United States:

800,000,000,000 / 280,000,000 = $2,857,142

That is not a typo. Each of us could simply be given a check for $2,857,142 and we could all retire to Yemen. All this being said, I have a very simple question. Raise your hand if you don't want a check for that amount? Do we think poor people would be less poor if they had that kind of money? Do we think the bank bailout would be necessary? We certainly wouldn't have to worry about unfreezing the credit markets.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand that this is all with money we don't have etc and inflation would be insane etc. But why not give everyone making less then a certain amount a very small fraction of that, say $50k? That would certainly cause relief. In most people's cases, it would be an enormous relief and cost us a mere ten billion ($10,000,000,000) assuming only 200,000,000(or almost 2/3) people would need or qualify for $50,000. I am not suggesting we just hand people that money at once but even over five years or so it is still an enormous amount of money for most people. Furthermore, it would only be a tiny fraction of the proposed stimulus bill. Can you imagine how many people would use that money to save their homes? Buy an American car? Buy STUFF which is the main reason for the recession, depression, sadression, stupidession, douche bagession, well you get the ideassion, in the first place?

I never thought I would see the day where our problems could actually be solved with simple math. You will notice below that one of Blaygo's future jobs was not mathematician. I guess we now know why. That is all.

-Lance Murdock

***UPDATE: Thanks to PMW guest poster and Resident Mathematician, Nick, for pointing out this math is wrong ($2,000/person not $2 million). But the joke's on you, Nick. This isn't a math blog. This is AMERICA, you math nazi biatch! Main point still stands. This is lots of money. How are we spending it?

***UPDATE:  LANCE MURDOCK OFFICIALLY APOLOGIZES FOR THE INACCURACY OF THIS POST AND DUE TO HIS COMMITMENT TO JOURNALISTIC EXCELLENCE, WELL OK, JOURNALISTIC MEDIOCRITY, WILL HEREBY PROMIS TO WORK NIGHTS TO LEARN BASIC ARITHMETIC.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SELF HELP GUIDES OR PERHAPS A SECOND GRADE MATH TEXTBOOK, PLEASE MAIL THEM TO NICK.  THAT IS ALL.