That 70s Party: The Grand Old Has-Beens

The times they are a-changing, but the Republican Party is not. They are an elegant Rolex in a Digital Age. The Reagan Coalition is crumbling because the Reagan Years are long gone. Without a New Reagan, Republicans have turned to John McCain, a traditional man, but a media darling with a hip, relaxed image. Unfortunately for the GOP, McCain is the New Reagan, coming eight years too late. In 2000, they had the perfect candidate. He was a hero to Independents, and even liked among Democrats. McCain would have coasted to victory covering all his political bases: Experience, Likeability, and Bi-Partisan support, not to mention his Straight Talker reputation. There would have been no Florida fiasco.

But suddenly, someone who will remain nameless (let’s call him Karl R., no that’s too obvious, we’ll say K. Rove) called primary voters and told them McCain had an illegitimate black child (Oh my, he cheated on his wife! With a colored woman, even worse!). In fact, he and his wife had adopted a Bangladeshi girl (No good deed goes unpunished). So the Straight Talker lost to a politically cynical man who smirks every time he utters a sentence without stuttering.

McCain learned a valuable lesson from his defeat. He slowly abandoned his maverick approach and began towing the party line (becoming the Phantom Maverick). It took him awhile, but by 2004, he was turning into an articulate version of George W. Bush, a guaranteed winner for 08. By 2006, he was so loyal to Bush that in a presidential straw poll, he asked his supporters to cast their vote for Bush. Maybe he wanted them to know there was no difference. Maybe he had become so loyal he would campaign for a third term (technically, W did not win in 2000, so he should be eligible to run right now). Now, John McCain represents a 70s solution that was popular in the 80s and could have worked in 2000, but now is outdated. He’s a re-run!

Welcome to the Ronald Reagan Show. Your guest host John McCain will address welfare queens, defeat the Red Menace, reduce regulation of the economy, and cut your taxes dramatically. Wait? That was already done? Uh, more tax cuts? Even less regulation? Iraq could be our new Menace...We can still talk about lazy people even after broad welfare reform, right?

Suddenly, Ronald Reagan has turned into Bob Dole. Our unstoppable hero has turned into a cranky, out-of-touch, old codger. He sounds like a broken record in an era where CDs could soon become obsolete. This is the best luck the Democrats have had since Rove bailed them out by beating McCain. The question now is: Just as in 2000, how will the Democrats find a way to squander this? Ohio, we’re looking in your direction.