Blago to the Future

To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield. These were the words that our boy Blago quoted on his final press conference as IL's Governor. Perhaps what he should have said was "To seek, to strive, to find... a new job." So you may be asking yourself, what is Blago possibly going to do now that he has found himself unemployed? I am glad you asked. Here is a list of careers which he is now considering:

1. Game Show Host: Win Shit with Blago! Blago hosts a show where you have to try to buy various items from him and he gets to say lines like this: "This car is a fucking valuable thing, I am not going to give it away for fucking nothing."

2. New Host of American Idol: "Thank you contestant number four hundred thousand, twenty six but your hair just isn't cutting it for me. If you can put me on the board of directors for your company and get a job for my wife then I will think of letting you through to Hollywood."

3. Poet Laureate Rod: In his famous interview with Campbell Brown (please refer to list of hot news woman mentioned below), he said the following which make him well qualified for this post: "Well, here, let me set the record straight. I don't know a lot of poetry. There's a couple of poems I learned ever since I was a little kid..."

4. President of Emily's List: People talk rough. "If I had known there were ladies listening, I never would have talked like that."

5. Supreme Court Justice: "The constitution is fundamental that everyone has a right to contest false accusations and to confront accusers and they're simply denying these outright, but it's bigger then me and that's why I am taking to a national audience."

6. Civil Rights Activist: "I thought about my wife I was leaving behind and I tried to find some inspiration from historical figures who had similar experiences because that gives you inspiration and I thought of Mandela and Gandhi..." "I am not comparing myself to Dr. King but he had a saying 'In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

7. Director of the FBI: "I want to have every taped conversation of the wiretapped phone involved, heard in the process. I am in many ways the anti-Richard Nixon, who worked very hard in Watergate to keep those tapes from being heard."

8. Prophet: "This is about the office of the governor, and if they're successful, which I suspect they will be, with these rules and removing me from office, then it's going to be difficult for my successors and any other government in future impeachments to be in a position where they can properly defend themselves, because this is the precedent that's being set on the removal of an officer elected by the people by a legislative branch that's not elected by all the people." He foresaw his own fate...

To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield. Well he certainly got the last part right. That is all.

-Lance Murdock

EXAGGERATION THEATRE: The Blago Trial

The following is the (SLIGHTLY) exaggerated reenactment of Day One of the Impeachment Hearings of Governor Milorad Rutherford Blagojevich (D-Most Corrupt Place Ever).

[Cue up Law & Order theme now…actually the People’s Court theme would be even better, you choose]





BACKGROUND
Rod R. Blagojevich, D-MCPE (hereafter Blago) was a devoted public servant for 17 years until the evil establishment forces of Washington D.C. decided to bring him down. He started his career as Assistant Illinois State Attorney under the tutelage of mayor-to-be Richard M. Daley (who apparently taught him corruption but not discretion). He then got elected to Illinois congress (because his opponent pled guilty to mail fraud) campaigning as a crime fighter (a slam dunk in this town). In 2002, he expressed publicly his love for his country and devotion to fighting terrorism (by voting for the invasion of an unrelated country). He soon was elected governor of Illinois, with the help of Barack Obama and Rahm Emmanuel, who praised him as the most trustworthy politician in Illinois and stated that he inspired them to start Obama’s presidential run. (so they could get the hell out of Chicago politics)

Sadly, Blago was plagued by several trumped up “scandals” (and his own corruption charges Wikipedia entry!). Despite his 56% disapproval rating, he was still able to defeat a Republican challenger (LOL). He is being charged with demanding bribes from people in exchange for Obama’s Senate seat (and using foul language in a wiretapped conversation).

Despite these charges, he went ahead and nominated a replacement anyway, outraging the Senate. It seemed like getting his nominee confirmed would be impossible, but he brilliantly remembered that old rule of political appointments: If you nominate a black man to replace a black man, it always works no matter what (The Clarence Thomas Principle).

DAY ONE
So began the trial, Monday morning. It was the battle of Blago’s life, and he knew how to fight it. Taking a page from the Martin Luther King playbook, Blago boycotted the unjust court of Crusading Prosecutor Patrick Johannes Fitzgerald. Not only that, he went to the fairer courthouse of Daytime TV, where he gave rousing speeches comparing himself to great historical figures.

“Following in the footsteps of Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ, Mohandas Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr, I will fight this injustice to the bitter end. I'm not above doing anything to restore your faith if I can. Some people see through the eyes of the old before they ever get a look at the young. I'm only willing to hear you cry because I am an innocent man. And I almost appointed Oprah to the Senate.”

[Cue inspirational theme music for Blago]

Will the Illinois congress vote to impeach Blagojevich?

Will Blago be forced to attend the proceedings?

Will justice reign supreme?

Will Oprah hold a grudge?

Tune in next time on Exaggeration Theatre.

WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN? Obama taps Doc Brown

As Barack Obama takes office, he realizes the challenges we face and the consequences of failure. However, he is unsure what to do, having only 4, or maybe 8, years to lead the country. If only he had more time! Then he realizes his only option.

He calls up Doc Brown and orders him to build him a time machine. Soon, they travel into the future to survey the extent of the recession. There, they open up the newspaper (an industry that inexplicably survives the recession) to find that our fine country is totally in shambles. As they read it, they are in utter shock.

Employment is incredibly low, inflation is incredibly high, and there is no hope. They learn that hope apparently died in the past when President Obama drove away in a DeLorean with a strange scientist and they were never seen again.

At that point, Joe Biden assumed the presidency and that was a disaster. In his inaugural address, Biden told the country, “Well I’ve looked at the numbers. We’re completely screwed.” At that point, the stock market plummeted and never recovered.

“We must do something,” Obama tells Doc Brown. So they travel back in time to 2009. Obama tells his story to congress and they agree to pass whatever legislation he wants. America gets a stimulus package and it eventually helps the economy recover. They also pass laws requiring that all workers get a special basketball break for every 8-hour shift and all White Sox games are televised nationally on a major network. Obama and Doc Brown pull out their papers just in time to see the headlines change...

PMW NEWS FLASH: Hippie Liberal Whiners

First of all, it's time to discuss a word: Recession. Don't let it overwhelm you. Sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down! Let's do that, shall we? Recess-ion: Think of it as recess. You get a break from work (could be a long one!). That bully that burned you in the past is gone, but you know he’s coming back one day (high gas prices?). And if we hit a Depression, think of it as…just being depressed? Bread lines are a great place to meet people...

Also, last week was the ex-president luncheon. It was funny to see them all together with Obama, who’s riding high from his recent election and high approval ratings. Clinton was a successful president, sort of. He at least got reelected. Now, Carter and Bush…did not, so they’re clearly failures as presidents. Could you be any more of a failure than that? Oh, look, it’s W!

Finally, to our main story. I want to talk about a hippie liberal whiner. This woman blames the struggles in her life on other people, rather than accepting responsibility for her standing in life. She is complaining that the media is sexist (even well after elections) and feels that she was held back based on her gender. Who is this radical feminist?

Yes, she’s STILL complaining about sexism in the media ruining the election for her as the Right attempts to recruit her for a 2012 run. I guess she must be a feminist infiltrating the Right and trying to get them to care about sexism. Still, I would not expect this from an Alaskan pioneer Maverick Republican such as herself. What happened to the party of “too bad,” “tough shit,” and “stop whining.” Can we please get Schwarzenegger to tell her to shut up? Just sayin'.

Admin Update 09: Washiversary

Greeting PMW Readers

Happy New Year! And more importantly, Happy Washiversary. We have been sucking less than the mainstream media for an entire year now. We are very proud to be a nonsense comedy site that still manages to provide somewhat legit news to our faithful, totally awesome readers.

What lies ahead is uncertain. We are trying to expand (for the 20th time, FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT GUEST POSTS) and trying to just find time to write. Waco and Goofers are both incredibly busy. But we appreciate those checking our site regularly (or leaving that to the RSS feed).

We appreciate your support as the nation navigates through these tough times (we may have to wait to sell merchandise till AFTER the recession). We also have Waco covering the Blago scandal in Chicago (impeachment! One step closer to jail, where he can actually meet other former IL governors!)

Happy New Year and Happy Inauguration to our candidate, Obama. Hopefully, he can smoothly guide the clowns running congress.

Cheers

PMW Staff

Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays: Battle to the Death

First of all, I must point out how weird Christmas is as a “religious” holiday, as Laura Miller points out. It’s kind of ubiquitous in America, because of both our Christian majority and the fact that even some atheists celebrate it, so it’s a strange issue. Also, in the interests of full disclosure, I celebrate Christmas, so maybe I’m biased, but whatever. There is a battle raging between the PC Left and the Traditionalist Right about how to appropriately wish people well during, uh, these upcoming days of December. There are two schools of thought on the issue:

MERRY CHRISTMAS: Some people may view this phrase as politically incorrect, but it’s one of the nicest phrases in the English language. Even if you are not celebrating on December 25th, I still hope your day is…merry. What’s wrong with that? I can’t say Happy Holidays with a straight face. A faceless corporation can wish a multi-cultural audience Happy Holidays, but from one individual to another, it feels like an empty slogan. Also, even if you want to be PC, call a spade a spade. Anyone putting up Christmas trees, etc. and calling them “Holiday Trees” is just dumb and that simply insults people on both sides of the debate.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS: On the other hand, there is no War on Christmas (sorry, Bill O’Reilly). It’s more like a forgettable skirmish that doesn’t deserve news coverage, despite what Christmas activists may tell you. And they need to shut up, because, seriously, the only thing worse than hearing a group whine about something is hearing a majority group whine about something. Christianity is the dominant religion in this country. Can’t Christmas activists be satisfied with that? Come on! Furthermore, while I personally do not wish people Happy Holidays (unless I know they prefer that phrase), referring to Christmas and New Years as “the holidays” is perfectly reasonable, since…you know, when you have one holiday plus one more holiday, you have (drum roll please)…HOLIDAYS. This bothers many of the anti-PC right wingers, but it’s their fault all the PC-niks came out of the woodwork in the first place.

VERDICT: IT DOESN’T MATTER! You say potato, I say potato. (Wow, not only does that joke not work in print, but I initially typed “potatoe,” after years of mocking Dan Quayle). So I wish the PMW Nation Merry Holidays, Christmas and otherwise. I hope you enjoy yourselves and avoid this pointless, Yule-tide dilemma.

Blago Mistako and the Obama Revolution

PMW has now developed the ability to predict the future. We can now project that Gov. Rod Blagoya-whatever (D-Most Corrupt Place Ever), will be arrested. To your left, you can see his FBI MUG SHOT. Blago decided to auction off Obama’s vacant Senate seat and he got caught. He will serve time in prison (hopefully).

What an idiot! This is your classic stupid criminal. Mayor Richard M. Daley, (D-Most Corrupt Place Ever) has done so much worse shit, but he’s way too smart to get caught (sadly!). The Dick-tator of Chi-town is probably laughing his off at Blago right now. I don’t know what Blago was thinking. I guess he thought he could hide behind all that hair.

But the corruption won’t stop there. PMW predicts that Obama will set off a terrible Liberal Revolution. The world will descend into a moral cesspool. I can’t describe it conventionally. I can only share it with you in the form of the next book published by A. A. Milne (cliffnotes version):


Winnie the Pooh and The Obama Revolution


NO ROO: First of all, don’t expect to see the cutest member of the Hundred Acre Wood because, in this story, KANGA HAD AN ABORTION! Abortions for everyone under Obama!

POOH AND PIGLET ARE GAY MARRIED: Yes, more like Winnie the Poof. Not that either of them were very butch to begin with, but now both of them are gayin’ up Pooh Corner. Marriages everywhere are falling apart because of their sinful and deeds.













TIGGER IS SOLICITING PROSTITUTION: This always rebellious creature has reached new lows. He’s roaming the Hundred Acre Wood yelling obscene things to the ladies like: “Hey babe, want to join the Hundred Acre Club?” “Once you’ve had Tigger, you’ll never have bigger.” “Check out MY Hundred Acre Wood!” Disgusting! But he never gets busted, because Obama has legalized prostitution.

EEYORE IS ON WELFARE: This donkey lounges lazily outside all day and always complains about how hard his life is. Get a job, you ass! Despite years of Donkey Affirmative Action, he has squandered every opportunity in his life and lives off Obama’s handouts.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN IS A DRUNK: Obama lowers the drinking age to 6 and Christopher Robin hasn’t been sober since.

RABBIT AND OWL ARE MISERABLE: They are the only responsible, morally sound members of the community and everyone takes advantage of them.

THE END

***P.S. Did you see that still-president Bush was attacked by Random Task from the Austin Powers movies?