The following is the (SLIGHTLY) exaggerated reenactment of Day One of the Impeachment Hearings of Governor Milorad Rutherford Blagojevich (D-Most Corrupt Place Ever).[Cue up Law & Order theme now…actually the People’s Court theme would be even better, you choose]
BACKGROUND
Rod R. Blagojevich, D-MCPE (hereafter Blago) was a devoted public servant for 17 years until the evil establishment forces of Washington D.C. decided to bring him down. He started his career as Assistant Illinois State Attorney under the tutelage of mayor-to-be Richard M. Daley (who apparently taught him corruption but not discretion). He then got elected to Illinois congress (because his opponent pled guilty to mail fraud) campaigning as a crime fighter (a slam dunk in this town). In 2002, he expressed publicly his love for his country and devotion to fighting terrorism (by voting for the invasion of an unrelated country). He soon was elected governor of Illinois, with the help of Barack Obama and Rahm Emmanuel, who praised him as the most trustworthy politician in Illinois and stated that he inspired them to start Obama’s presidential run. (so they could get the hell out of Chicago politics)
Sadly, Blago was plagued by several trumped up “scandals” (and his own corruption charges Wikipedia entry!). Despite his 56% disapproval rating, he was still able to defeat a Republican challenger (LOL). He is being charged with demanding bribes from people in exchange for Obama’s Senate seat (and using foul language in a wiretapped conversation).
Despite these charges, he went ahead and nominated a replacement anyway, outraging the Senate. It seemed like getting his nominee confirmed would be impossible, but he brilliantly remembered that old rule of political appointments: If you nominate a black man to replace a black man, it always works no matter what (The Clarence Thomas Principle).
DAY ONE
So began the trial, Monday morning. It was the battle of Blago’s life, and he knew how to fight it. Taking a page from the Martin Luther King playbook, Blago boycotted the unjust court of Crusading Prosecutor Patrick Johannes Fitzgerald. Not only that, he went to the fairer courthouse of Daytime TV, where he gave rousing speeches comparing himself to great historical figures.
“Following in the footsteps of Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ, Mohandas Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr, I will fight this injustice to the bitter end. I'm not above doing anything to restore your faith if I can. Some people see through the eyes of the old before they ever get a look at the young. I'm only willing to hear you cry because I am an innocent man. And I almost appointed Oprah to the Senate.”
[Cue inspirational theme music for Blago]
Will the Illinois congress vote to impeach Blagojevich?
Despite these charges, he went ahead and nominated a replacement anyway, outraging the Senate. It seemed like getting his nominee confirmed would be impossible, but he brilliantly remembered that old rule of political appointments: If you nominate a black man to replace a black man, it always works no matter what (The Clarence Thomas Principle).
DAY ONESo began the trial, Monday morning. It was the battle of Blago’s life, and he knew how to fight it. Taking a page from the Martin Luther King playbook, Blago boycotted the unjust court of Crusading Prosecutor Patrick Johannes Fitzgerald. Not only that, he went to the fairer courthouse of Daytime TV, where he gave rousing speeches comparing himself to great historical figures.
“Following in the footsteps of Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ, Mohandas Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr, I will fight this injustice to the bitter end. I'm not above doing anything to restore your faith if I can. Some people see through the eyes of the old before they ever get a look at the young. I'm only willing to hear you cry because I am an innocent man. And I almost appointed Oprah to the Senate.”[Cue inspirational theme music for Blago]
Will the Illinois congress vote to impeach Blagojevich?
Will Blago be forced to attend the proceedings?
Will justice reign supreme?
Will Oprah hold a grudge?
Tune in next time on Exaggeration Theatre.
2 comments:
Oprah won't hold a grudge. I don't think Blago ever seriously considered her. He's making whatever waves he can (i.e., awful haircuts, considering Oprah) to divert attention from his shakedown of the Tribune, sale of the Senate seat and numerous recorded F-bombs. And hey, if Wikipedia has an article on the Brown Note (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_note) then I'm not surprised the governor gets his own corruption page.
Astute observers will note more than a few similarities to DS9's "Tacking Into the Wind" (season 7) where Worf seemed willing to instate anybody into the House of Martok. Pretty despicable, if you ask me.
LeVar
Brown note, wtf? Good points. I agree with you.
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