PMW ELECTION UPDATE! (election was over last month..nothing new to report)

DEAR JOHN...... MCCAIN! ,

HAH! (always wanted to right a Dear John letter)

I've got some terrible news for you and Red State America. I'd really like to tell you all that it was a long hard campaign and that both sides fought long and hard to secure their position as President of these United States; however, that is largely not the case. The Blue states will prevail in 2008. This is not just speculation, oh no! Such wild statements in any other political climate would be wild, reckless and negligent. But this is not any other climate. With the Dow behaving like a yo-yo on crack, nothing scares America more than 4 more years of America. I'm sorry McCain, you're an establishment candidate in the face of a change election. Obama almost didn't have to try. Perhaps the biggest loser in this election isn't you. Let's think of it this way (to make you feel better) Obama didn't have to try...but he did anyways. He raised more money in one month than you could raise in 6 months. As a point of fact, he's raised more money than any other Democratic candidate in US history. He didn't have to, what a waste of time. He could have spent the entire election in Hawaii sipping Mai Tai's and mocking an effigy of you from a distance (maybe stage a mock lynching?) It's hard to say what sort of bat-shit crazy fun he could've had if he wasn't making money and "campaigning" but it goes without saying, on an economic level his opportunity cost was much higher than yours.

So after you've completely blown this election, it's going to be difficult to keep yourself occupied. As the Executive Director of PMW I figured it was my responsibility to interview those who are mired in mediocrity kind of like yourself. Natural "losers" who will never amount to much (no offense) Let's listen to their comments! :

Tom Cruise (Reason for Losing - Scientology): Hi John, When my movie career was definitely at it's best I decided to join a cult full of wackos and halfwits. I think one reason that we are similar is that we were both good at what we originally did, that is being an appealing but un-memorable 2nd rate professional. Kind of like how you were a popular senator in Arizona about 8 years ago, I was a popular actor 18 years ago. Now that I'm not really an A-lister anymore i spend my time reading about Scientology and spending my money from Top Gun royalties on the books. Did you know it costs $3,000,000 to buy the books for OT8? OMG i love this religion, poor ass suckers will never be god like me :D


1986 Boston Red Sox (Reason for Losing - Bill Buckner): Wrong time, wrong place, why did we keep Buckner in? I think his ankle was broken right? So really John, we're nothing like you. While you are almost entirely flawed, our team had only one critically flawed component. So what should you do now that your Presidential bid is over? How about commissioner of baseball? Oh wait, no, even better. I think the Yankees need a new coach?


Balki from Perfect Strangers (Reason for Losing - Balki from Perfect Strangers): Hello John McCain!!! I love America and I love you! USA! I want to talk that your campaign has been most sexy..errr...affectionate...wait? My English is not so good yet i do believe we have much in common, yes no? Please excuse my erection of English incorrection. We are both who we are, and that is very wonderful men. We could make sweet times together? My number is 206-321-4870. Be my love.

There you have it John McCain. This is the best we could do here at PMW. While it's not much, I know you read this blog daily and i think it will do, for now. We really never supported you from the beginning but we admire the fact the you are losing in the quickest and most graceful way possible. PMW hopes that your transition into mediocrity is painless and unfulfilliing.


Sincerely
(Suck it),

Goofers McWaxalot