OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE ULTIMATUM

President Obama has been demanding action on health care from a gridlocked congress. Today, he made a final ultimatum to those blocking his health care bill. PMW received this statement from the administration.

My fellow Americans, the time for partisanship and stalling tactics has long passed. It is time to pass this bill. It is time to serve the people. I have urged congress to act, but they have failed to do so. This will be the most important bill I will sign into law as president. If I cannot get this bill through while my party overwhelmingly controls both the House and the Senate, I do not see how I will accomplish anything as president. At that point, I might as well walk away.

That’s right, America. If congress does not pass health care reform THIS MONTH, I will resign as president of the United States. I quit. Why continue this charade?

Now, you all know what this means. If I quit, Biden is president. How do you like them apples? So, anyone who doesn’t want Joe Biden running this country had better call their representatives and demand that they vote for my health care bill.

It’s your choice, America. I’ve seen the poll numbers. I know you like me better than Joe. I know he scares you. What if he says some stupid shit to a nuclear power? Boom! One gaffe leaves America glowing with radiation for hundreds of years. He’ll take us on the next Amtrak train straight to hell.

Your call, folks. Health care for America now or President Biden for America now.

LET DOWN WITH REVEREND OLBERMANN

Good evening and welcome to Countdown. I’m Keith Olbermann. I am liberal and proud of it. I am also intelligent and well-educated, and slightly too proud of that. My first guest is a fellow intelligent liberal and we shall discuss how right we are about an issue and how wrong the Republicans are. There will be some real news, but we shall try to limit that.

Next, we shall discuss celebrity tabloid news. Hopefully, we will cover Paris Hilton tonight, as she is an easy person of which to make fun. This is beneath me, but it ensures higher ratings so that I can maintain this sweet gig. Now, back to the real news.

Coming up next: I am going to announce which right-wing asshole is currently enraging me the most. Could it be Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly? I could report on more real news, but admit it: it is so very fun to watch me roast these assholes. Also, you will not want to miss my Special Comment. Will I remain calm and make some good points? Or will I go on a ridiculous tirade and end up as fodder for the Daily Show? Find out later.

We’re back. I pick Bill O’LIE-ly from Fox Boos as today's biggest asshole, for the 687th time. I hope I have convinced you that he is a jerk.

Our top story tonight: Political Mouthwash blogger The Waco Kid, famed for his bad puns and low readership, has been referring to me as Reverend Olbermann, because my show is “little more than self-indulgent preaching to the liberal choir.” He offered me faux praise, saying my show “sucks less than most news shows.” I figured I would read that on my show so that more than two people might actually hear about it. I am quite pleased with that insult, lest you cannot tell from my smug grin.

That’s Countdown, on this, the 2,519th day since the “liberal” Mainstream Media actually let an openly liberal anchor have his own show. To all those searching for high quality news: good night and good luck.

Thrillabuster II: Land of the Dead

How do you kill something that is already dead? Our nation's politics have turned into a zombie movie (but not because the GOP lumbers around mumbling the same thing and attacking Dems, while the Dems flee helplessly). Congress is haunted by a superzombie. I tell you, the filibuster is dead, and yet is undead, as in WILL NOT DIE. Observe:

The filibuster was originally created in the nineteenth century to allow a senator to say his peace as long as he wanted (Senators can do basically whatever they want, whereas members of the House have to clean the bathrooms themselves). Over time, they made a rule that 67 Senators could close debate on issue and force a vote (aka CLOTURE), and then 60. But the idea was, it was an emergency barrier to one-in-a-blue-moon, dangerous policy.

This really was a non-issue until the Democrats decided that most of W's judicial nominations were nut-jobs and tried to filibuster them. The GOP reacted strongly saying they were shocked--SHOCKED--to see the Democrats abuse a beloved Senate tradition. When the Dems took back congress and the White House, the GOP, ever the model of consistency, proceeded to vote against cloture on every major issue they voted against.

Example: Health Care

You would expect votes on health care to follow party lines, with moderates feeling torn. You'd assume that some might decide to vote against it without seeing the need to play the filibuster card. And you would be wrong. The Senate Dems got everyone to vote for health care (even the Benator and Joementum, after buying them off). The GOP got everyone, even the Moderate Maine Maidens (who voted for the stimulus) and Chuck Grassley (Max Baucus's bromantic hetero life-mate) to vote for it. Not only did these people vote against it, they all voted against cloture. They went from, "maybe I could vote for this" to "I'm taking desperate measures to stop this."

The GOP has shown it will use emergency measures to block every bill it opposes. So everything the Democrats do is an emergency. But that means emergencies don't really exist anymore (like moderate Senate Republicans). The filibuster, as an emergency brake for legislation, is no more. What's left is an old rule that has strangely mutated into a requirement that only 60 votes can pass a bill (that...or a pair of testicles). The filibuster is dead, and yet must be killed. It is terrorizing the Senate, scaring the hell of out Democrats.

Will Baucus and Grassley’s bromance fall apart? Can the Mormon Mime find the courage to speak out and lead the Senate (or lose reelection in November)? Will Big O finally live up to the hype (or simply end up delivering the greatest concession speech in history)? Tune in next time on WTF is Wrong with our Country?

Thrillabuster! GOP Gains 41 Percent Majority

On Tuesday, the Republicans gained their coveted 41st seat to attain the plurality they were searching for. Facing a divided Democratic party (some fire-breathing liberals, some cowering liberals, a few Blue Dogs), the Republican obstructionist coalition now holds the most votes. This is a huge blow to President Obama, who is watching the bill he has vigorously defended with speeches and soundbytes slip away.

America has spoken and they have demanded that the Democrats adopt a more bi-partisan approach. This means they must move beyond compromise to discover a new way forward. This could include letting the Republicans write all legislation, yielding all debate time to the GOP, or even filibusters where the Democrats stand up and apologize for all the bad bills they have passed.

“We are so sorry,” said Sen. Max Baucus, a major player in the health care debate. “If we had known you would break our filibuster-proof majority, we would have taken health care off the table long ago.”

“The people of Massachusetts should be ashamed of themselves,” yelled Speaker Pelosi. "Their pathetic stupidity has destroyed our 60-vote crutch and all hope that we would enact any part of our agenda. Now we have to wait until we regain our supermajority before we can pass any bill."

“I really don’t care,” remarked fatalistic Super-Minority Leader Harry Reid. “I may lose my seat, too. At this point, a dark-skinned African American with a negro dialect could probably beat me.”

Farewell Dreary Oh’s: PMW Prediction Check

Thank God this last decade is over. The 2000s, the Ohs, the Aughts, the Naughties, the Zeroes, whatever you call it. I call it the Dreary Oh’s. I say bring on the Teens (not like that, sicko). So, here are some predictions for the next decade, but first, let’s take a look back on predictions from this blog, in honor of its Two-Year Wash-iversary. You know how annoying it is when a TV show does a “clip show.” This is like that, except no one’s getting paid (Buy merchandise please!) Let’s call it a Link Show. Here we go:

Correct predictions:
Obama wins primary and general.

Huckabee gets fat, Edwards has love child: I correctly predicted both these facts in a post on January 12, 2008.


Springsteen endorsement seals McCain’s fate: Unsubstantiated but trust me! Way to go Goofers.

Rise of the Tea Parties: I think this is the Libertarian Revolution I predicted.

McCain picks Palin: I called it…sort of.

Wrong Predictions:
Writer’s Strike Forces Good Shows Off Air: So many awesome shows on TV right now. But what the HELL is up with cancelling Conan? NBC is batshit insane.

Hillary Clinton contracts cholera: A genuine threat, but it didn't happen.

Obama picks me as his VP: Would have been a good idea though…

Obama Taps Doc Brown: Would have been a good idea though...

Howard Dean influencing primaries/getting HHS post (although he now works for CNBC and was prominent in the health care debate)

Frequent promises to increase posting on this blog…Hey, sorry…

Future Ones:
ObamaCare passes, but Cap’n Trade gets put out to sea and Immigration Bill gets deported.

Biden will make 2,010 gaffes in 2010.

Sarah Palin joins Fox News, calls Democrats unpatriotic, immoral Socialists. She will run for the GOP nomination and eventually lose badly. She’ll call the GOP sexist, and run as an independent.

Romney will run too, but everyone will have forgotten who he is. He’ll try to harness anti-ObamaCare sentiment but will drop out when he can’t explain how it’s different from RomneyCare.

The GOP wins a few Senate seats in 2010. Obama’s political stressors build up and seep into his personal life. He starts smoking again and has an affair with Hillary. It causes an uproar, but unites the liberal base and ultimately leads to his reelection.

99 PROBLEMS BUT HEALTH CARE REFORM AIN’T ONE

PMW received the following statement from Barack Obama, entitled Verse 2:

(See Verse 1 here)














The year is ’09 and our health care’s flawed
On the Senator floor is a bill from Senator Dodd
Congress has two choices, they can give up or
Bounce to the bill, put the bill on the floor
Now I know that this is a really tough case
It’ll cost a few dollars but will cut much waste
So, I pull over on Capitol Hill
I hear “Obama, do you know why we’re opposin this bill?”
Cuz, you think I’m a Socialist, Elitist still?
You think that the country doesn’t have the will?
You think I’m gonna mess up just like Bill?
"Well you forgettin' that there's no bill that we can't kill
Take out the public option or we’ll filibuster
We opposin’ this bill with all the strength we can muster”
Fine, take it out and leave everything else in.
And it looks like we can buy off Senator Nelson.
“Well aren't you clever, looks like you got even.
You’re crafty like a lawyer, but is this change we can believe in?”
I did pass the bar and I know a little bit
I know that congress is gonna pass this shit
“Well, we’ll see how smart you are when the immigration bill comes”
I got 99 problems but health care ain’t one
Hit me!

2010: The Year We Make Contract

Sorry I’ve been posting so rarely. My life has been really busy, now that I have a day job. Also, I’ve felt mostly humorless about politics lately. So here is a list of recent stuff that bothered me in this foul year of our lord 2009 that I hope changes (Please Obama, give us that change you promised right now!). In the spirit of PMW’s Contract for America, designed by Goofers, I submit to you, Resolutions for America in 2010.

Stop hoping or expecting the most successful athletes/actors/politicians will be the most moral citizens. You don’t rise to the top by being the nicest. You do it by being confident and driven, boldly pursuing what you want, and not taking “no” for an answer. Those are not the characteristics of saints and family man. If anything, we should view famous people as MORE likely to cheat. You don’t have to be HAPPY Tiger cheated, but at the very least, don’t be SURPRISED or HURT. He did not cheat on the public. It’s not our business if he cheats, unless it’s on the golf course (or unless he bangs another woman on the golf course during a tournament). In 2010, expect more Charlie Sheen and less Tom Hanks.

Stop acting like there was an obvious course of action in Afghanistan. (Yeah, I took a shot at Goofers. It happens sometimes) Obama had to decide among a set of less terrible options. I have no idea if he’s doing the right thing and anyone who is sure either way frightens me. This surge could easily turn into Vietnam Part II, but leaving could increase the chances of an Af-Pak Nuclear Free-For-All. Obama is walking a fine line and it may turn out that he’s doing brilliantly. He may also be trying too hard to please everyone and may end up failing miserably and incurring everyone's wrath. Is this 8 years overdue or 8 years too late? In 2010, we may find out.

Stop acting like Mike Huckabee is on the hook for the murder of those Tacoma cops. This went down in my state, so it definitely matters to me. There are many people partly to blame, and Huck is one of them, but he pardoned a teenager sent to jail for approximately 100 years for armed robbery. If you think that was a fair punishment, you’re insane. However, I will enjoy watching to see what far-right stance Huck will soon take to try to win back the conservative base. In 2010, Huck-Haters need to find legit reasons to attack Huck, or at least make fun of him getting fat again.

Stop making hopelessly inconsistent arguments. Republican leaders say Obama/Pelosi/Reid never worked in the private sector, so they can't run the economy well. So...I’ll be expecting resignations in 2010 from those of them who have not served in the military, since they can't keep us safe, as well as resignations from those who haven't worked in the non-profit sector, since they can't solve our social problems. In 2010, I don’t expect politicians to change, but I hope the public will tire of their bullshit.

Stop letting the GOP bully you, Democrats. Stand up for yourselves. The GOP is using the filibuster in historically unprecedented ways. It was always used relatively rarely, then the Democrats used it to stop many of Bush’s judges, and now the GOP uses it to stop any bill they dislike. Basically, the Democrats now need 60 votes to pass anything (the GOP needs fewer votes because the Dems are cowards). While some delight in this cautious approach to governance, it means that nothing ever happens in congress (and my jokes about Democratic cowardice are getting stale, so it also deprives me of new material). If a party scores huge victories in elections, they should be allowed to govern, and then if the public disapproves of their governance, they should vote them out next time. It doesn't matter which party is in power. The public deserves the government they put in power, even if you think it’s bad. I say, bust out the nukes! Nuclear Option! Kill the filibuster! In 2010, the Democrats should pass the Harkin Plan or something like it.

Stop acting like the world is ending. You don’t need to hoard gold or guns. We’re gonna make it. In 2010, things will get better. Trust me.