Presidential Drink-Off 2008!

Every four years, America gets to relive something special. It's time to pick a new President, and that usually means a couple rich and highly privileged individuals (who went to Harvard..but sometimes Yale) get together and pretend to be something they're not.....normal. So some "brilliant" minds within the Hillary campaign stepped into the game with an idea. "Why not expose our presidential hopefuls to the great EQUALIZER". No no, I'm not talking about Smith & Wesson (although Mr. Obama also misunderstood this reference last week) I'm talking about Alcohol! What better way to see candidates perform at their best when they're bodies are at their worst?

If their brains were flags, we'd send them to half mast and see what happens! I know it's a gamble, but seriously, we don't have a whole lot of chances left here.... - Clinton Aid

Democrats have it tough this year. Usually the classic formula is a white privileged male pretending to be a middle class male (who is still arguably quite privileged)who endevours in some sort of charade to potentially fool America into believing that he is a part of the "common folk". The problem today is that no candidates can clearly fit the bill as "privileged white men". But Who Cares! LET THE DRINK OFF BEGIN!!!!!

Name: Barack Hussein Obama

Drinking name(s): Big-O

Drink of Choice: Vodka Martini

Profile: On one hand, Big-O is half-white and half-black. He's no product of privilege and has in fact worked very hard to earn himself a place within national politics. In real life he's a flawed man who smokes cigarettes and handles his liquor with gusto. He can throw back well bourbon and $2 pitchers of MGD with the rest of them, however prefers the quiet elegance of a neatly stirred dry martini. Is he a wealthy out of touch politician or a professional alcoholic who prefers only the most potent of vices?

Type of Drunk: Serious, Methodical

Name: Hillary Rodham Clinton
Drinking name(s): THE HILL, Billary, Hill-Bill(y)

Drink of Choice: Long Island Ice Tea

Profile: Probably fits of the bill of "Privileged White Man" better than any candidate Democrat or Republican. She grew up in a wealthy Illinois suburb, the daughter of a successful textile manufacturing owner. She studied at Yale, was a staunch conservative who supported Barry Goldwater and was a proud member of the Young Republicans; WTF why is she a Democrat? Because she got wasted on a school bus heading to Cabo San Lucas during the Lee Atwater Middle School 7th grade Spring Vacation! That's right, Bill's not the only wild one in the family. Topless photos were apparently leaked to the press but were largely ignored due to her husbands more illustrious affairs as president. No no...I wish that second part were true, but alas, Hillary Clinton does not strike anyone as a legitimate drinker. Watching her down shots of Crown was about as convincing as watching Paris Hilton learn how to repair tractor trailers on The Simple Life.

Type of Drunk: First Ladies Gone Wild!...?

Name: John McCain
Drinking name(s): Z's, Old Snorey, Grandpa Nap-time
Drink of Choice: A glass of wine (but only after 7:30)
Profile: John McCain our last contender, does not clearly fill the "white privilege" mold, in that he had the privilege thrust upon him, but chose to forgo his privileges in favor of service to the United States; ultimately, he was captured and spent 7 agonizing years tortured by the Vietcong. "Man" is also a stretch for John McCain because it really doesn't accurately describe him without certain prefixes like "old," "crotchety," "bitter old," "grumpy old," "senile old," "incontinent old" - Man. Usually when one or all of these prefixes apply, then we reach for the more gentle title of "grandpa". John McCain is the type of person that falls asleep after half a glass of Napa Wine. That's okay though, because he's really not supposed to be drinking since alcohol conflicts with his Alzheimer's medication. When he wakes up in 3 hours he'll be crying and wondering why he's not at home because the last thing he remembers was watching Matlock then getting up to go pee.
Type of Drunk: Featherweight Old-timer



While not necessarily run-of-the-mill, these three political elites are still not the "common man" by a long shot. Obama, is too good of a public speaker, too big of a dreamer and much larger than life to be like any one of us. Clinton is an Ivy League success story that seems to be everywhere at the right time. McCain has had one of the most incredible lives in the Senate; we're still waiting for the John McCain feature film damn it! Still, the winner of this years drink off has to go the Barack Obama. The vodka martini might be the "classy man's drink" but that's like 4 shots of straight vodka! Plus he's convincing as hell when he drinks it...like he wasn't always a Washington fat cat. Perhaps once, long long ago, he was just like one of us.

WINNER OBAMA!