WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN?: Pennsylvania Postpones Primary

In an defiant act that left The Waco Kid with an aneurysm, The Keystone Light State decided to postpone its primary elections another four weeks. State Democratic Party officials saw this is move as being in the best interests of the people of Pennsylvania.






“Our economy is in the tank, but the relentless campaigning here has produced a turnaround,” decreed PA Governor Ed Rendell, a Hillary supporter. "If we hold this election now, our gains will be reversed and Pennsylvania’s economy will spiral downward with the rest of the Rustbelt States." He added, “Both my candidate and Obama have spent the last six weeks arguing over what’s best for the struggling, working people of this great state. Well, this is the answer: more campaigning.”




Senator Bob Casey, an Obama supporter, agreed that this was what the people of Pennsylvania needed. “The more campaigning we have here, the less pork I have to bring home in the Senate and the more I can focus on the issues I believe in. So please, if you want me to serve the country and not the special interests, we MUST delay this election!”






All other 49 states signed a petition in opposition to this course of action, making this the most nationally unpopular political act ever. This is the first time 49 states have agreed on anything since Walter Mondale ran against Reagan in 1984 (except for the Patriot Act, but that was the political equivalent of getting rufied). Howard Dean vowed to strip The Quaker Oats State of all its delegates. Gov. Rendell balked at the idea, mocking Dean. “You can’t stop us. What’re you gonna do? Scream?” So, sadly, we face four more weeks of campaigning here. Madness...



Disclaimer: Political Mouthwash did not receive compensation for its mention of Keystone © or Quaker Oats ® and this does not qualify as product placement. PMW does not officially endorse either product, although The Waco Kid highly recommends Quaker Oatmeal, but not Keystone Light. As a superior alternative to Keystone if you are in PA, I recommend Yuengling Lager or plunging off the Ben Franklin Bridge.