WHY CAN’T IT HAPPEN?: Who Should Replace the Candidates?

Mike Huckabee: Chuck Norris. Huckabee owes everything to Norris anyway. And honestly, who could you possibly trust to protect you more from enemy nations? What country would dare mess with President Chuck Norris, with his finger on the trigger of a Nuclear Roundhouse Kick?


Fred Thompson: A rotting corpse or a KFC Famous Bowl. (Explained in previous post)


Mitt Romney: John Kerry. They’re both rich, elite, aloof, Massachusetts flip-floppers. At least Kerry had a war record to run on. Lucky for the Republicans, Kerry is not on their side. Unfortunately, Romney is.


John McCain: John Rambo. Both are badass Vietnam vets who saw everyone turn their backs on them. Like Rambo, McCain is mounting an impressive comeback despite his age.





Ron Paul: Guy Fawkes. Paul even did a Guy Fawkes fundraiser! Both are insurgent activists advocating a revolution against a corrupt government. Remember, remember, this November, the Libertarian-cowboy-doctor. Except no one will...


Barack Obama: David Palmer. This is a no-brainer. Anyone who’s watched 24 knows no president could top Palmer. Hell, I’d take Dennis Haysbert. They both look exactly the same and it’s not like anyone pays attention to what the president says anyway. While Thompson has only played a lawyer on TV, Dennis Haysbert has at least played the president, making him the best choice. When you cast your vote this November, ask yourself: Are you in good hands?

Hillary Clinton: Bill Clinton. Everyone knows he could have won a 3rd term if it was legal and I think that’s what her candidacy is based on. More people want Bill to be “first laddie” (his words) than actually want the former lady to be president. If she’s elected, it’s Back to the Future, get in the D’Lorian and head back to 1992. She’ll preside over economic prosperity. She’ll let Bill make a disastrous attempt to reform healthcare. She’ll get impeached for having a hot-blooded lesbian revenge affair to spite Bill. Ken Starr will crawl out of whatever rock he’s under and go for Round 2 against his arch-nemeses. And we know when it’s over, Jeb will be there waiting in the wings for his chance to be president and keep it going.