Mutiny on the Bounty: Republican Party Status Check II

The Republican Party remains hopelessly divided. The Admiral of their fleet has become a tired and frustrated old man (W stands for Weary and Withered). Now, even as people drop out, the Grand Coalition, as Romney has clearly identified, is now hopelessly split and must be reunited, or else the Grand Old Party will spend the next 8 years in what sports teams call a “rebuilding phase” and what Democrats call “The Reagan Years.” Well, actually it’s what Democrats call sitting adrift in the water and waiting for the Republican boat to sink in the face of mutiny. So who’s in this coalition?

1) Fiscal Conservatives/Libertarians

These people believe the government should be small enough to “drown in a bathtub,” which sounded enough like waterboarding to scare McCain away from them. Their captain is Ron Paul, although many see that he has no chance and have jumped ship or defected to the enemy. Almost all Republicans pledge allegiance to small government, but many do not actually support a government as passive and unengaged as Fred Thompson. Groups like…

2) The Christian Right

This is Huckabee’s crew, although it was a tough choice for them. With a Massachusetts Mormon, a thrice-married pro-choice New Yorker, and a man who called their heroes “agents of intolerance,” it took them awhile to decide on Huck. Since Huckabee is looking dead in the water, will his crew take orders from any of these heretics? Maybe they can be motivated by scary talk of terrorism from…

3) Neoconservatives

These people are rarely committed to moral sanctity or small government. In fact, they support a big government to fight terrorism and are willing to make many compromises along the way. Their man was Giuliani this time, but that didn’t turn out well either. They will probably follow their captain aboard the Straight Talk Express.

For those who stay loyal to the fleet, the final battle will take place between the Straight Talk Express and the USS Aristocrat Class Reconnaissance Interceptor and Multiple Assault Flip Flop Frigate, as Commodore Romney calls it for short. Romney has spent a lot of time in enemy waters, while McCain has engaged in many negotiations with enemy forces, making both distrusted in the GOP. Meanwhile, the Democrats will sit back and hope for a long, bloody GOP battle.