Bill Clinton stripped of “First Black President” title

During Saturday’s South Carolina primary, when Barack Obama destroyed Hillary Clinton by a 2-1 margin, South Carolina stripped Bill of his “First Black President” mantle. “Obama is the first black president, bitch,” exclaimed SC, with 91% of the precincts reporting. “What have you done for us lately?” SC saw an overwhelming turnout of black voters, many of whom expressed a desire for Bill Clinton to “shut up” in the wake of his political attacks against Obama.

“Listen, Bill,” SC lectured. “The time black voters spent with you was special. We will never forget it. It felt so good to defeat the Republicans after 12 years of that damn Teflon Reagan and his awkward sidekick who couldn’t decide if he was a nerd or a hick. But now we are moving on. It was just a fling, a one-night stand. Now, just like with your other affair, go back to your wife and leave us be. Get over it, pal. We had a good run together. We came out and voted for you. And it was good. You had nice comments on affirmative action, although we got sick of seeing the token black woman next to you every time you gave a speech on welfare reform, but whatever. The point is, let’s remember the nineties as a wonderful time and go our separate ways.”

In a related story John Edwards was also stripped Native Son status in SC. He was once their hometown hero, but South Carolinians official classified him as faded from their memories with his third place finish. When asked to elaborate on the downfall of John Edwards here, SC replied, “John who?”